Chapter Sixteen – Surrender

BPOV

I feel the warmth spread all over my body like a blanket as I wake up. The sun filters in through the partially open curtains and fills the room with a faint light. I groan and stretch my tightened muscles, smiling comfortably as they loosen. I've just had the most wonderful dream. It was like my every wish had been realized. Edward and I were together, free from the restraints of the real world. In my dream he wasn't my boss, he wasn't married, he wasn't off limits. He was mine. We made love and, as far as dreams go, it was everything I'd ever imagined it could be.

My smile falters as my groggy eyes adjust and everything comes into focus. I'm not ready to leave the perfect bubble created by my dream. In the hours after I've fallen asleep, I'm free to imagine a world where everything I want is within my grasp. A world where a life with him is in the realm of possibilities. Waking up has become the hardest part of my days recently.

As my vision becomes clearer, I feel my heart stop when I realize that I'm not in my room. In fact, it's as if someone took my room and made a mirror image of it. The bed is against the opposite wall of my own, the kitchen on the opposite side of the room and so on. Where am I? And what the hell is going on?

That's when I hear it – the unmistakable sound of someone breathing next to me.

Reality hits me like a bucket of ice water poured over my head. I'm suddenly extremely aware of my lack of clothing, of the strong arm draped over my body. I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the sight away, but when I open them nothing has changed. I count to ten slowly before I'm able to work up the courage to look at who the person I'm lying next to is, although I have a pretty good idea.

Could it be that everything I've assumed was a dream was entirely real?

The feeling of his lips ghosting over my skin. The sensation his touch brought when he ran his hands along the curves of my body. The indescribable love, the pleasure, the sense of completion when our bodies came together; could it all have been real? I take a breath and open my eyes back up.

Edward.

My eyes go wide and my breath catches in my throat. What have I done? Have I completely lost my mind? Everything, the entire night, was real. We were together – together, together. Edward and I did something I thought was only possible in a dream. We let our guard down and took a turn down a dangerous road. What happens now? God, what happens when he wakes up? How could I let this happen? I should have known better, I should have just stayed put in my own room. This was a mistake…

But then, if it was such a mistake, why doesn't it feel like it? I look up at him, still fast asleep, and my heart and stomach flutter in perfect synchronization. He's beautiful like this – calm and serene. He's everything I've ever wanted, he has been since the moment I met him, and finally, for just one night, he was mine. Can I really say that I regret what happened? It was quite literally, my dream come true. The details come back in flashes. He was so gentle, so sweet and attentive, worshipping every square inch of my body like he was born to love me and only me. And when I think about the feelings, the tenderness, the touch, the kisses… I can't possibly regret something so beautiful. Can I?

Suddenly, it's too much. It's too much to take in, to process, at one time. I need a chance to breathe. I need to clear my head before I can wrap it around what has happened.

I hold my breath and slowly, carefully, free myself from his grasp, leaving my pillow behind in my place. I look around for my dress on the floor; suddenly feel overly exposed in the morning light. Instead I find Edward's dress shirt and slip it on, buttoning it down the front. I've already gone this far, what can it hurt to wear his clothes? I tiptoe away from the bed and into the kitchen where I pour myself a glass of water and lean over the counter with my head in my hands.

The more I think about the amazing man in that bed, his bottom half wrapped loosely in the white sheets, the more I realize that I can't regret last night. I've never felt anything like that. No matter what happens next, I'll live the rest of my life knowing that I've experience true pleasure and happiness at least once. I can live with that. What I can't live with will be the look on Edward's face if he wakes up regretting the whole thing.

Of course he'll regret it. He's married.

I sneer at the voice of reason echoing through my head. I don't think I'm ready to accept the very high possibility that Edward's going to wake up and instantly regret everything that's happened. In five or ten or twenty minutes, Edward could wake up and single handedly crush my perfect bubble. The worst part is, he has every right to. He has no obligation to me, but he does have one to his wife. Am I really prepared to spend the rest of my life as Edward's biggest mistake? No, it'll kill me.

What did I expect? That he and I would ride off into the sunset together? Pathetic. I try to recall what exactly was running through my head when I made the decision to come in here last night, but I'm drawing a blank. It was the spur of the moment decision. A spur of the moment decision that may have just cost me everything.

Why couldn't I have just kept myself in check? I was getting along fine keeping my feelings to myself. Sure, it's been hard to pretend that I feel nothing for him. And sure, I've spent every waking moment, and plenty of nights in my dreams, thinking about him. It's been difficult, but that all seems like nothing now that I've had him and am faced with the fact that I'll likely never be so lucky again. I traded one night of pure bliss for what's shaping up to be a lifetime of shame and disappointment.

Because he's going to regret it, there's just no other possible scenario.

Maybe I can sneak out, buy myself a little time before everything comes crashing down on me. I could head back into my room before he wakes up and prolong the inevitable. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll get a spontaneous case of amnesia or wake up and think the whole thing was a dream like I had at first. If only I could be so lucky.

"Good morning."

I jump and nearly knock the glass of water off the counter. I squeeze my eyes shut and curse my crappy luck before I turn around to face him.

He looks sinfully good, ironic considering the situation. His hair is a rumpled mess, in a more pronounced version of its usual disarray. The sheet is slung low around his hips and he's squinting slightly as his eyes adjust to the light. He must have literally just rolled out of bed.

"Morning," I mumble.

"Do you think I could have a sip of that?" he asks pointing my half empty glass of water. I hand it to him and he takes a few gulps to clear the gravel from his voice. To say things are awkward would be the understatement of the century. I try not to look at him directly, using my peripheral vision to gauge his actions. He starts toward me a few times, but hesitates, thinking better of it at the last minute. The tension is thick in the air and I can feel my heart pounding in my ears.

"Bella look—"

I cut him off before he can deliver the debilitating blow. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I swear I'm an idiot. I just, I wasn't thinking and everything was so overwhelming. I should have had more sense than to do, well, what we did. I understand what a mistake I've made and I completely understand if you expect me to leave the firm. I couldn't imagine sticking around after doing something like this anyway honestly. I just, I should have been more responsible. I know you regret it. I know—"

"Bella, stop," he says cutting off my scatterbrained apology.

"You're right," I sigh. "I should just go," I say making my way out of the kitchen. I've barely gone two steps when he reaches out and grabs my arm.

"Bella, will you just listen to me please? First of all, you're not the only one to blame here. I'm just as much at fault. Believe me, it takes two people to make the decision we made, not one. Which brings me to my second point: you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sure as hell not sorry."

What?

Did he really just say that? He can't mean it. He can't honestly expect me to believe that he's okay with what happened, can he?

"What do you mean you're not sorry?" I ask.

"Bella, you have to understand. Last night meant everything to me, even before you found your way in here. Things could have ended at the club and I would have been ecstatic. When we kissed in the elevator something woke up inside of me. I meant what I said. I know I shouldn't have said it, but that doesn't make it untrue. I love you. Last night… Hell, Bella, I haven't felt this alive in a very long time. I'm not sorry that it happened, not in the least. The only regret I have is putting you in a tough spot."

My rational side sneers that describing our situation as a "tough spot" has to be the understatement of the century, but the majority of me focuses on the rest of Edward's admission. When he said that he loved me last night after our kiss, I thought he was just caught in the moment. Could he really have meant it? I can't imagine the Edward I know taking the time to tell me again, to reassure me, if he didn't. All this time I've been in agony, imaging something I was sure would never be possible, but now I know that he feels the same. Our connection isn't imaginary, it never was. But we can't really do this, can we? I feel the weight of our choices weighing down on me, making it harder to breathe.

"So what do we do now?" I ask hesitantly.

"I'm not sure," he sighs.

I think of all the books I've read, movies and television shows I've seen. They all end the same way, with the person in my position as a, well, a mistress of some sort. Is that what Edward's hoping for? Can I even agree to that? I've stooped low, sleeping with a married man, but can I really disrespect myself enough to become that? He says he loves me, a concept I'm struggling to accept, but how can we possibly be more than a shady affair behind closed doors? I don't think we can.

"You have to know, Edward. I feel the same way about you, but… I don't want to just be your mistress. I mean, if that's what you're looking for—"

"Bella, no! God, no," he says taking a step closer to me. He takes my hand in his and I look up, losing myself in his green eyes. "You know me, true it hasn't been very long, but you know me, Bella. I would never think of you that way. Ever."

Maybe I'm insane, or stupid, or both, but I believe him. He's right, I do know him. I've gotten to know him better than anyone these past months. Something in his voice, the intensity, the way he says the words with such conviction; I know that he's telling the truth. I can see it in him. He really does care about me. Regardless of the conventional terms for what we're discussing, he would never think of me that way. I'll always be Bella to him.

Still, this is dangerous territory we're treading on. If we were to have some kind of relationship and it was to get out, it could ruin everything for both of us. His career, his marriage, our reputations, my chance at a future in the journalism world, it could all go up in flames in an instant. I don't want that for either of us. Especially not him, he's worked so hard for everything he's accomplished and I haven't even really had a chance to get started. He was worried about his father getting the wrong impression just two nights ago. What would happen if there really was something for people to discover?

But then I look at him. I look at him and see in him everything I've ever imagined in a man. He's intelligent, passionate, sweet, funny, driven… the list goes on and on. I've tried so hard to convince myself to back down, to stay away from temptation and instead I've walked right into it. He talks about something waking up inside of him and I realize that I know the feeling. Something shifted last night and now I'm not sure I can go back to the way things were before. I don't know if it's even possible.

"Look, Bella," he begins. "I can't tell you what might happen. I can't promise that everything will be okay and I sure as hell know this isn't an easy thing we're dancing around here. I would never push you into anything you don't want. We don't have to define ourselves or what this is. Maybe there isn't even a way to define it. All I know is that I love you and I don't think I can stay away from you anymore. Not now, not after last night. Is that enough for now?"

I surprise myself when I barely hesitate to answer. "Yes. I don't think I can stay away from you anymore either. I've tried for a long time now and I don't think I have it in me anymore."

"Then let's agree to just be. We won't fight it. We'll just be ourselves and take it a day at a time. Does that sound okay?"

I nod and he smiles as he closes the gap between us and pulls me into his arms. I'm almost shocked by how right it feels. Almost. He pulls back to look down at me and I can't help the grin that tugs at the corners of my lips. He chuckles and leans down to meet his lips with mine. It's a chaste peck, but damn if I can't feel the electricity buzzing between us. What starts out as innocent quickly turns more passionate as I lose myself in the sensation of his lips on mine. I nip at his bottom lip, taking it lightly between my teeth and he groans, opening his mouth to crash his tongue with mine.

He picks me up and I squeal, laughing as he carries me over to the bed, tossing me lightly on the mattress. He takes my left foot in his hand and kisses his way up my leg, slowly crawling his way up the bed toward me. He hovers over me when we're finally face to face, taking a moment just to look at me. I feel the blush rise in my cheeks under the intensity of his stare and turn my head down, looking away. He lets me get away with it only for a moment before he softly takes my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him.

"You're beautiful, you know that don't you?"

"I recall someone telling me that last night," I tease.

"I could refresh your memory on a few things that happened last night," he laughs.

"Is that a threat?"

"No, Bella, that's a promise," he says as he dips down to kiss the crook of my neck. I arch into him as his hands wander, slowly undoing the buttons of his shirt until I'm completely exposed to him. He lost the sheet long ago and now it's just the two of us, naked and bared to each other in the most intimate ways. His lips make their way back to my own as he palms my breast, running the pads of his thumb over my nipple. I suck in a breath through my teeth, the feeling of his warm hands on my skin incredible. He takes his time, worshipping every inch of my body.

We spend the entire afternoon like that. Just me and him, exploring each other's bodies in way neither of us ever thought was possible. We bring each other over the edge of passion again and again. Our bodies come together in perfect unison, like we were made for each other. When we aren't kissing and touching, we just lay together in the bed, talking about our lives, what the past few months have been like, anything really. Sometimes we fall into comfortable silence, just enjoying each other's company. It's perfect, almost too perfect.

It's easy to pretend that everything's simple in our little bubble. In this room it's just the two of us. There are no real world complications to get in the way. There's no danger, wives, expectations, nothing. We're just two ordinary people who have fallen for one another. He's Edward and I'm Bella, simple as that.

I think what amazes me most is the sense of freedom I feel. I'm light as air, feeling as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my chest. I've been beating myself up for months, exhausting myself trying to fight what I was feeling and it feels good to just let that go. I know the consequences of the choice we're making. I know that it's wrong, wrong on so many levels. But, ironically, I haven't felt this right in a long time. It's effortless, as easy as breathing. It's always been that way with Edward, but now I'm experiencing it on an entirely new level. We can do no wrong here.

I know that entering back into the real world will be a different story, but for now, I can't bring myself to care.

"I'm going to make a kitchen run," Edward announces. "Anything I can get you?"

"I could go for a glass of wine."

"Your wish is my command, love," he says kissing my forehead before he gets up.

I shamelessly ogle his naked body as he walks to the kitchen, his muscular back and forearms, the planes of his chest, his chiseled thighs and ass. Damn. He catches me staring and winks, sending me into a fit of laughter. I like this side of Edward, this playful, light-as-air, man. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Then I hear his phone ring. Not so lucky.

"Can you see who that is, Bella?" he calls.

"Sure," I respond. I reach over to the end table and pick up the phone, checking the display for a name or number. I feel my entire body go cold at the sight of the name on the screen. My face goes blank, all traces of happiness drained. Tanya. I guess I wasn't expecting the real world to rear its ugly head so soon.

Edward comes back and furrows his brown at the sight of me. "Who is it?"

"It's uh—it's…" I just hand him the phone.

He looks at the screen and cringes. "Shit, I didn't even think… I'm sorry, Bella. Let me get this okay? I'll be right back. Hello, dear," he says answering the call. He walks back toward the kitchen, trying to keep his voice down so I don't have to listen to the conversation.

It's like a bucket of cold water has been poured on me. We can spout the bullshit about not being able to stay away from each other all we want, but at the end of the day we'll never have a real relationship. I'll never have what I want and it hurts. It's stupid, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt.

I believe him. I truly believe that he loves me, but what does it matter? If I'm being honest with myself, I love him too. I'm just not ready to admit it out loud. I have no right to admit it. The woman on the phone with him? She has that right, not me. How could I be so stupid? We've barely been at this, whatever this is, for a day and already the universe is screaming at me that this is wrong. I don't want to stay away from him, but how can this work? It's glaringly obvious that it can't.

I feel trapped. I just need to get away for a while and clear my head. It's hard to think with Edward in the room, clouding my judgment. When he turns his back to me I get up from the bed and throw his shirt back on before making my way to my room. I shut our joined door as quietly as I can manage before sinking to the floor, my head in my hands.

This is a mess. This whole fucked up situation is a huge mess.

How in the hell did I go from an innocent small town nobody to the potential mistress of a well known big city attorney?

There's that word again. Mistress. Is it even possible for me to be anything else to him?

It's all so confusing, my feelings for him, what we're considering starting, what we may have already started… shit. I should walk away right now. That would be the smart thing to do, the decent thing. I would save us both a world of heartache if I can just cut my losses and get out. I can be rational and ignore my feelings for him, can't I?

Apparently not, since you've already slept with him.

I hear the door open next to me and close my eyes, not wanting to face him just yet.

"Bella?" he calls out before looking down and spotting me on the floor beside him. He kneels down next to me and hesitates, wanting to touch me, but knowing better.

"How's the missus?" I ask.

"Shit, Bella. I can't even tell you how sorry I am. If I'd had half a brain cell I never would have had you check my phone? I should have let it go to voicemail or something."

"What does it matter, Edward? She's your wife. She was going to make an appearance at some point."

"Don't tell me you're going to let this change things," he starts.

"How can I not? We're idiots, both of us. You're married, Edward. What am I supposed to do? Screw around with you and then wait around while you go back to bed with your wife at the end of the night? I can't do that."

"First of all, I told you already that this means so much more to me than that. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't insult yourself or me by claiming otherwise," he sneers. "Secondly, I understand that I'm married. I'm not blind, Bella. I know exactly what we're getting ourselves into and I know that at some point a decisions going to have to be made. You need to understand that, although I have obligations as a husband, they don't matter nearly as much to me as you do. I haven't even had any sort of sexual relationship with my wife since the day you came into my office for that damned interview. Yes, for now I have to go to the house I share with her at the end of the day. But it's just that, a house, because since you've come around, you're the only home I could ever imagine for myself. I would change this situation it in a heartbeat if I could, but it's going to take time."

"Yeah and what happens if someone finds out about us while we're figuring this out, Edward? This could ruin everything for both of us."

"Then we'll be careful. I'm not stupid, I know the consequences if this were to get out, but I wouldn't be ashamed. I could never be ashamed of you. If my career goes up in flames, then to hell with it, I can start over. I would start over for you. The only person I would be worried about in that situation would be you and your well-being. But you better believe I would do everything in my power to protect you from whatever shit storm came of it."

"I wouldn't want it to come to that," I mumble as I feel tears fall from my eyes. The whole thing is just so frustrating.

Edward sits on the ground and takes my hand in his. "I really don't think it'll come to that, Bella. I'm not going to push you though. If you want to walk away now, tomorrow, a month from now, whenever, you can and I won't hold it against you. I'm asking a lot, I understand that. If there were an easier way, I would choose it in heartbeat, love. For now, this is all we've got. I love you, Bella."

"I'm just afraid," I admit.

"I am too. I'm scared shitless, actually. But I just can't shake the feeling that this will all work out in the end."

"You really think that?"

"It's impossible not to think that way when I look at you. I've made a lot of mistakes. I married too young and for all the wrong reasons. Tanya felt like the right choice at the time, but it's so clear to me now that she could never be the person I'll love the rest of my life."

"Why's that?"

"Because that person can't be anyone but you," he says simply.

Despite the chaos in my head, I manage a small smile at his words. He takes my face in his hands and my eyes meet his. I can see the determination in his gaze. I can see the love, and most of all, that he truly does believe this can work… somehow. I hope he's right, that things won't go wrong, but I know that he means it when he says he'll protect me if they do. He leans forward slowly until his lips are touching mine and I'm lost. I'm lost in the intensity of the kiss and the way he silently tells me what even his words can't convey.

He won't leave his wife tomorrow or the next day. It may be a while before that decision is made and acted upon. It may be a long time before I can hold his hand or kiss him or just be with him openly. It may take months or a year. Maybe we'll be in this less than ideal situation for a long time, but one thing is clear.

He's with me for the long run, no matter what happens.

What's even more important than that, I'll wait for him. I'll wait as long as it takes because I can feel it right there in his kiss that he's who I want. He's taking my breath away with a simple touch of his lips and I can't imagine another man ever making me feel that way. It'll be hard, so hard, to know that I'm not the only woman in his life, but I'll always have the knowledge that I'm the one who matters where it counts, his heart. I'm sure there will be pain and difficulties because, how could there not be? But I have to believe that it's worth it because I honestly don't know if I have what it takes to be strong and stay away from him.

I'm going to hell, but I'm going with all my heart.

"I love you," he says when he pulls away.

"I love you, too."

His mouth pops open slightly as he looks at me, making sure he's really heard what I've just said. A small smile plays at the corner of my lips at the sight of him. I lean forward and kiss the wrinkles at his brow, chuckling as I pull back.

"You don't have to say that, you know," he says quietly.

"I know that. I said it because I mean it. I wouldn't be here, doing this, if I didn't," I assure him.

"I can't promise that this will be easy, Bella."

"I know that, too," I sigh. "We'll take it a day at a time, just like you said."

He smiles and rests his forehead against mine. "I wish I'd met you years ago," he says quietly.

"I don't," I admit. "Who's to say we'd be here together right now if things had gone differently. We were two different people then, it could have ended with us apart."

"I doubt it," he snorts. "I don't care who I was years ago, you'd still be my dream girl."

I don't have a response for that. Part of me feels like he's right. I could have met Edward when I was thirteen and known he was the one for me. There's just no point in dwelling on how things may have turned out under different circumstances. We're here now, together as impossible as it seems, and for that I'm thankful. If things are meant to work out, then it was supposed to happen this way. It's just a part of what I'm foolishly hoping will become our story.

Edward takes my hand and pulls me against him, falling back on the pillows. I lay my head on his chest and snuggle into his side, closing my eyes and feeling warmth spread through my body. It's not relief, not yet, because it's going to be a difficult road. There's still a level of guilt to what we're doing. It's more like contentment. I'm content to have him in whatever way I can for now. There's no more tension, no more elephant in the room. We've surrendered. We've gotten everything out in the air and now all that's left to do is sit back and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully, they'll fall in my favor.

I smile at the thought as I drift off to sleep.

Hope you all enjoy the chapter! We're officially halfway-ish through the story now! Things will be moving fairly quickly from here in on. Hope you enjoy the ride ;)

Thank you all once again for the reviews and keep them coming. I love hearing your thoughts and predictions on what's happening.

Until next time!