Making Up is Hard to Do
Chapter 7
Early the next morning Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres sat in Ensign Freddy Aubrey's quarters drinking coffee. She was surprised that the woman had no qualms about meeting on short notice to speak with her and was actually glad that she did.
Aubrey poured out some more coffee. "Lieutenant Torres, how are you feeling after the incident?"
"You mean after an attempted rape? How should I be feeling?" Angry thoughts flooded back about Murphy and also Steth and how he tricked and seduced her after taking over Tom's body. B'Elanna was in no mood to mince words especially with Ensign Aubrey.
Aubrey looked dejected. "I'm sorry. I was just asking. Sorry."
B'Elanna calmed down. She was right to ask about her welfare. There had been nothing sexual between her and Tom. "I'm sorry also. Call me B'Elanna for now since it's just us girls here. I've been assaulted before but I handled it. Steth, that pig. I doubt Murphy will try it again if he values his life." She managed a smile. I'll break his neck.
Freddy agreed. "I doubt it too. He's in the brig right now and they have a restraining device inside of him so he can't come near you without tremendous pain and alarms going off. And if you don't kill him if he tries something again, Tom will. I never saw a man move that fast, out of the Holodeck I mean. When he heard your comm message he was like an enraged beast."
B'Elanna felt so very warm and loved. They drank some more coffee.
Torres asked Aubrey about Tom and his mental state.
Aubrey spoke almost solemnly. "B'Elanna, Tom is in serious trouble. He is ill mentally. Not crazy but deeply depressed."
Torres understood. She was upset also but clearly Tom was worse off than her.
"I need to explain what he is going to undertake today. It is called 'pagh Ih'tanu.' Literally it means 'soul ceremony.' Tom is going to explore his soul to find out what is holding him back from you when you want to get really close to him emotionally. Or perhaps even closer?"
The chief engineer considered that statement. "But I have been depressed also. And I also push him away at times. So why not me as well?"
Freddy looked at her. "Correction, you used to push him away like when you broke up. But you have recently resolved it. You now know what has been bothering you. He doesn't get it yet."
"How do you know that about me?" Torres was confused.
The situation had to be handled carefully. B'Elanna had yet to recover fully from her recent trauma. "I know a few things about Klingon mating rituals from my study and talking with Klingons. You mated with Tom in the past, didn't you?"
B'Elanna stared at her. "Yes. But again, how do you know? Was he baring his soul to you as well?" She was irritated.
The molecular biologist and psychiatrist looked at her. "It is obvious because he carries your bite mark. He could have erased it but he hasn't. He is yours and you are his. But not yet completely because you have not taken the key step and bonded. Tom told me that much. You have not spoken the ritual, either human or Klingon, and claimed each other."
She paused. "We all saw your relationship build over the years on Voyager. But now one of you is ready to bond. And we both know who that person is, don't we?"
The chief engineer smirked. Time to confess. "Yes, it's me." She blushed, which was not easy for her to do.
Aubrey grabbed the half-Klingon's arm. "Look B'Elanna. There is nothing here to be embarrassed about. That Tom is willing to go through this ritual as dangerous as it can be says that he is nearly there. But he needs to push himself to find himself. And he will be better because of it. And so will you and your relationship together."
"But how can you be so sure, Freddy? I mean, you said it's dangerous."
"Yes, it is. He could go insane or even die."
B'Elanna stared. "What do you mean?"
"He can go crazy or die if he is not strong enough. But I know he can do this successfully for two reasons. One is that the danger to Tom will be mitigated because of his deep-seated love for you. He told me a few weeks ago that he has been 'ass over applecart' in love with you since after the Vidiian prison experience. He knew it on Sakari IV. Do you know what he meant?"
B'Elanna giggled. "Of course!" Tom had told her that old Earth saying about an applecart many times. The Vidiian prison was where she began to develop feelings for him. And Sakari IV, well, they almost did it there. She had bit him and mated.
"You said there were two reasons, Freddy?"
She nodded. "The second is that I went through it myself seven years ago. It helped me face my own demons. I am not as strong as Tom is but I survived it."
B'Elanna was stunned. "You underwent the ritual? But why?"
Freddy's eyes started to well up with tears. "B'Elanna, when I was a plebe at Starfleet Academy eleven years ago I met John Anderson. He was also a plebe. We started dating and grew closer over time, much like you two. We fell in love by the end of second year. After graduation we got married." She paused as emotions flooded over her. But she could now face what she was about to reveal.
"Three weeks later we came back from our honeymoon in Tahiti. We found an apartment in San Francisco and started decorating. We wanted children and I got pregnant right away. But Johnny was soon sent out on a routine checkout flight of a small cruiser. He was the engineer. Something happened and the warp core breached near Rigel X."
B'Elanna's mouth opened. "I know about that ship. The USS Ringgold. Oh my God!"
Freddy was crying now. "John ejected the warp core but the ship lost atmosphere and had to be abandoned. There were no other ships nearby for three days. He like everyone else was in his EV suit floating in space for a day before he ran out of oxygen. He died alone in space, as they all did." The pain was still there but much less than before the ritual.
B'Elanna knew that feeling of dying in space. It had almost happened to her and Tom. When she declared her love for him nearly three years ago their spacesuits were running out of oxygen.
"And then I lost the baby. I wanted to die. I became suicidal."
B'Elanna did not know what to say but took Freddy's hand in hers.
"Johnny left a Holovid for me that he took while he was floating there. I have it here on my PADD." She composed herself. "I want to show you something from it."
B'Elanna was hesitant. "Look, this is so personal. I don't think…."
"No, no. You need to see it! It is really important so you know why Tom is doing this."
She pulled up two pictures, her deceased husband and Tom Paris. She zoomed in on both sets of eyes and placed them one on top of the other.
She held up her PADD. "B'Elanna, what do you see?"
Torres looked at the pictures. A set of hazel eyes. Her husband, obviously. A set of blue ones. Tom. Other than the color, they looked identical in what they showed. "What the…?"
Freddy choked it out. This was so hard even after the ritual had helped her to achieve closure. "The eyes on top are from my husband, as he spoke his last words to me. They are filled with love but also panic and impending death. The bottom ones are Tom Paris."
B'Elanna began to understand just as Freddy spoke again. "They look the same. B'Elanna, I took that picture of Tom yesterday on the Holodeck. Now you know why he is going to do this. He is dying."
The magnitude of what she said hit B'Elanna like a spanner thrown at warp speed. Her eyes flooded with tears. "Oh my God! My Tommy!"
"He has to do this, B'Elanna. Something is destroying him and the breakup accelerated it. For some reason, reconciling did not stop it. But it would have come to this eventually. Don't blame yourself."
B'Elanna's face was in her hands. She was shaking.
Freddy moved and put her arm around B'Elanna's shoulders. "The good news is that Tom wants to live for you. For him. He is resilient enough to get through it because he has you. You are his lifeline, B'Elanna." She paused to compose herself. "You are…his lifeline. Never forget that."
Of course she was. B'Elanna knew that for years. That is part of why she desperately wanted to comfort Tom months ago. He needed her as much as she needed him. It had taken her and him so long to admit it but they had come to embrace it. She never should have pushed him so hard.
Aubrey sighed. "This may sound trite but I have never seen a man love a woman as much as he loves you. You are so fortunate."
The tears ran down her cheeks now. "I had to bury my husband and my baby way too soon but you have Tom. And he is so special."
B'Elanna was overcome. She knew Tom was special. She did not tell him that enough. But once this was over he would never have any doubts again. Ever.
A now composed B'Elanna sat very still and spoke in a soft voice. "Thank you, Freddy. I know that was so hard to tell me." She added, "I am proud to call you friend."
"Thanks, that means a lot."
Freddy wiped her eyes with a tissue and blew her nose. "B'Elanna, when he goes through this please make sure you are doing your normal routine. Nothing different; nothing out of the ordinary. The ritual will take twenty-four-hours or less. He can come out of it at any time."
B'Elanna nodded.
"When it is over he will start doing things to prepare to meet you. He will then seek you out because he loves you. You will be like a homing beacon and he won't be denied. In my case I went to the cemetery first to just scream and cry at my husband's vault. I then went straight to my mother and sobbed for hours until I felt whole again."
B'Elanna touched Freddy's arm. "I'm so sorry. What do I do? What do I say?"
The molecular biologist looked at her. "This is very important. This ritual can be overwhelming. Tom is going to go through hell. In rare cases the person going through it will reach out mentally to someone they love. Given that you are mated with him you may sense something. If it happens, DO NOT go to him physically. If you disturb the ritual he will surely die. Do you understand?"
A pained nod acknowledged that Torres comprehended.
"No matter what he tells you when he sees you once the ritual is over, no matter what he asks of you, you must do it. Speak with him normally. At some point he will bare his soul to you and you will see and hear the real Tom Paris for the first time. And you must encourage him and love him. If not, the ritual will fail and he will continue to degenerate and die. He can only go through this once."
Torres nodded. "I understand. I am there for him no matter what." Then she added, "For the rest of my life."
A curious thought came to mind. So Tom says to me let's make love in engineering! Hope he does not ask for that but what a show! She smiled at the thought.
"One last thing, B'Elanna. Prepare yourself. You may or may not like what you hear."
/
Hours later Captain Janeway sat in sickbay with the EMH, Chakotay, and Ensign Aubrey. "Is he ready?"
Aubrey looked pensive. "Yes, Ma'am. He has gone through the pre-ritual and it is now up to him."
Janeway nodded. "Come back alive, Tom Paris."