Ed's thing – As Mel knows, I had a little bit of a drama with this… I LOST half of it much to my despair. Much swearing and alcohol later I retyped the rest and fer some reason its so much longer. I think its my longest chapter at over 2,500 words. I changed the ending so I cant use the chapter 9 that I wrote in bed last night, so that's going to be coming later then anticipated but I've pretty much got the prologue sorted and I have a surprise fer you lot and only my beta tester knows what it is and when you do find out what it is please for the love of smeg don't flame me… Just hit me instead, I don't care if you have to fly to the UK, I do not handle emotional stress well. NOTE – Lookie for the great one liner that seems to make all my mates giggle. NOTE NOTE – When I say alcohol, if anyone wants to get me a glass of red wine it would be much appreciated. Or yagermiester ; )
Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her. Anyway Maki Murakami owns them.
It has been nearly a whole week since my 'accident', though I wouldn't call it an accident per say it was more like a desperate attempt to carve and obliterate a certain person from my memory… just with a very sharp knife. But everyone else including Hiro called it that… it had been just another one of my demented episodes. Not sure how it was an accident though. Perhaps I just tripped and fell onto a very sharp knife over and over again.
I had later learned that during the two days that I was out, I had had surgery on my right arm. Apparently I had sliced straight through a tendon in my arm, completely severing it and as a result I had lost all movement in my right hand, for now at least. Not like I was ever going to again but my mind flashed across memories of holding my precious microphone, my musical tool. One of the few tools through which I could release my pent up emotion and hurt along with all my joy. I remembered one time I had, or rather Yuki had broken my wrist. He had pulled me back as I was running away and as he had doe so I heard a spine shuddering snap. And the next day at work, I just told everyone that I had slipped on the ice on the way home from work the night before and I had stuck my hand out to catch myself, spending the majority of that night at the hospital. It wasn't a major break and they had just strapped it up. They had all found it dreadfully amusing those few months as I tried to hold the mic. My hand in a cast and I'm practically useless with my left hand so I kept dropping the mic. Finally Fujisaki and Hiro had held me down while K had tried to cellotape it to my hand. I looked ridiculous and felt as much when I was singing at some of my concerts. The fans had pitted me though, all desperate to sign my cast. Some of the girls had left their phone numbers on it.
I groaned leaning over to the bedside table and taking a sip of water through a straw, thankful that my arms were now free. Although K had ordered that there always be someone in the room to make sure I didn't do anything drastic or in his words 'dangerous'. But Hiro had insisted that they were freed. Its surprising how much confidence that he has in me even though I have betrayed his trust time and time again.
"Hey Shuichi!" came a voice from the doorway.
I blinked, looking up to see a giant pink rabbit standing in the door way. I blinked in surprise and shock. Then I found myself half smiling and half grimacing with the unwanted company. I greeted the singer, who then walked over and sat by the bed. "K-San said you weren't feeling very well so me and Kuma-chan thought that we'd come and visit you and make you feel all better." Said Ryuichi pulling out a small Kumagoro bunny dressed in a cute little nurse outfit that K more then likely had grudgingly made for the occasion . "Cause Kuma is magic you know. He makes me feel better all the time."
Nodding weakly, I sighed and closed my eyes lying back heavily into the plush cushions. I barley heard the whisper that came from my rivals lips. "Were all worried about your Shuichi. I know your probably sick of hearing it but we are. I want my old pal Shuichi back," he pouted.
I held out my hand, again any movement for me was weak with the drugs running through my system, constantly topped up by the orderly at my door. "There really is no need Sakuma-san. Honestly I'm fine I've never been better."
The stuffed bunny, gently patted it, like a mother scalding her child after it had done wrong. "Liar. You always were a bad liar you need to make your lies sparkle Shuichi!" He sat there pondering for a moment. "Like me and Kumagoro had smushy sex with Hugh Laurie last night and his Kumagoro beam was sooooo long that I…"
"Don't you have somewhere to be Sakuma-san?" came a voice from the door. Hiro was there, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. His hair tied into a messy pony tail. And boy was he looking yummy. I don't think I had ever seen him in such a sexy turtleneck. I didn't even know he had one. It was black and left very little to the imagination. I felt the heat began to mar my cheeks in a blush. And my crotch twitched. I'm supposed to be sweet and innocent not sexually corrupt! Then again a life time of servicing a bastard like Yuki Eiri will do that to you.
"But I don't want to see a dead…" came the retort from the singer beside me, definitely in a voice that was un-Ryuichi like in both his hyper apparition and his actual tone. "A dead fr- person." Automatically one of the bunny's ears had migrated to his mouth and was being sucked on veraciously.
"Well Seguchi-san is looking for you and I wouldn't want him to leave with out you. He must be so worried and Shuichi needs his rest. I'm sure Shuichi will be feeling better soon. You might even see him around NG next week Sakuma-san," said Hiro with a mischievous wink directed at me.
What? I didn't even think I'd be out of the hospital until next month at least!
"Really! Really Shu-chan," he turned to me holding out his pink bunny and giving me the most adorable puppy eyes I had ever seen, they had glossed over and I could see every shade of chocolate brown in them. I guess now that Hiro had gotten his hopes up, there was no way that I was going to let them down. I remember what happened last time someone had promised something to Ryuichi that didn't come true. Thoma had promised that NG's next tour would be along with Bad Luck and I had fallen ill with a cold and instead of changing the whole tour to fit around my unforeseeable illness, it was decided that NG would tour with another band. And Ryuichi had bawled his eyes out in the middle of the reception at NG, sobbing at the top of his lungs. The news reporters had seen it and there had been a media drama with headlines such as 'Ryuichi to leave Nittle Grasper' and 'Trouble in paradise'.
I smiled at the elder man before me. I guess it was a possibility wasn't it? Its strange that I can feel more mature then a man nearly twice my age. "Maybe Sakuma-san. I don't know, I might still be ill but even still, I want to come visit you. I miss your singing. Cant make any promises though." He seemed satisfied enough with that and he plastered his joker happy smile back into place.
"You get better Shuichi okay?" He beamed at me before pouncing on me whispering into my ear. "Get better Shuichi, please get better." He gave me the tightest hug that he possibly could without disturbing the tentacle like leads coming from my body and without touching my bandaged arms. I gently pulled my free hand and draped it over his back reassuringly. "Remember, come visit Shu!" And with that he grabbed his nurse clad bunny and bounded for the door. Giving me a wave and making Kumagoro do the same.
Hiro rolled his eyes and walked across the room to where Ryuichi had sat moments before. "You feeling better Shu?"
I nodded some, tired from the sudden ejection of energy from the room. "Still feel a bit numb but that's probably from the meds that I'm on…" We sat there in contented silence for quite a while, I have no idea how long it was. I was happy that Hiro was there, I thought that he would have abandoned me after I promised that I would never cut again and after K's many death threats. And I suppose Hiro was just content in knowing that I was still there. Breathing and next to him, the memory enforced by the constant irritating beep from the many medical appertains beside my bed.
"Did you mean what you said Hiro?" He raised one of his eyebrows slightly in confuzzelment. "You said I was going back to NG. You don't think that its too soon do you?"
He smiled taking my unpadded hand in his. "No… I think that you'll be fine Shu-chan. But yea, you'll going home tomorrow. I thought it was best to be honest, I don't like you being here. Then again were not really going home, well back to my apartment." He broke his gaze from mine, to watch a pair of sparrows singing in the tree by my window. "K would only really let you out if we moved closer to work, where he could keep an eye on you. Then again its probably a good thing." I shrugged. More then likely Hiro was having trouble coping on his own and because K pretty much lived at NG then he would always be near in case I had another 'accident'. "That's why I was late coming today." I hadn't really noticed to be honest. The days sort of merged into one when you were bound to a hospital room. "I was moving our stuff." He said that like a married couple. "You know that nice new housing complex across the road from NG? Were moving into there. You always said you liked it Shu." He turned to me, trying to find out what I was thinking. He always had trouble with that and he always worried that he was saying something wrong. Something that might upset me.
"That's fine. I don't really care as long as I'm out of here."
"You're not going to… to do that again are you Shu?" Tears had begun to burn at his eyes. They always did whenever he thought of my disgusting little habit. Though when you call it that, it seems no different then smoking. God I missed that stale smell of Tobacco. The taste of countess cigarettes smoked before a passionate kiss.
"I didn't mean for it to go so far Hiro. I only meant for it... I'm sorry." I looked down into my lap. God I was worthless, now I was lying to the one person that I had left in my life. The one person who trusted me. I had meant it to go 'that far' honestly. Deep down I knew that death would be my only release, though I was always afraid but then again I was afraid of my lovers gaze burned into my mind, judging me, pitying me. Yes even now I call him my lover. No matter what he did or what Hiro did I would still love him. Always and forever. I was drawn to him. It was like gravity, he was my first, and he was the only person that had ever taken me. That had made me feel alive even if I knew that through the haze of pain that he had given me, emotionally and physically. I have the scars. All this time after everything that had happened, even after the shooting. After the time that he had forced himself upon me, drunk and filled with that carnal lust and desire. More then probable he had been to the bar where he had spent many a night and had seen some hot totty that had then avoided the drunken and violent blonde. So he had come home to fuck me… To rape me, and he had made me scream not in ecstasy but in pain. He had taken me rough, sometimes I begged for it like that but he had never been this violent. Sometimes id let him do what he wanted to me and on the rare occasions afterwards even when I hadn't been pleasured he would let me lie next to him. Savoring the only passionate contact and warmth that he would ever give me, through his unconscious. But he would always kick me out if he awoke during his sleep.
My arms were itching again. I wanted to scratch at them, though my nails had been bitten the painful hilt I wanted a razor blade. I needed to feel the pain that Yuki wasn't giving me. I needed his pain, I needed my own pain to survive. To make sense of the situation. I bit down on the inside of my cheek enjoying the metallic taste flooding through me to clear my senses.
"No Shu its me I'm sorry. Its all my fault it has always been my fault!" Tears fell with rage and his grip on my hand tightened.
"How is it your fault Hiro? You weren't the one who ever beat me or raped me. Have you ever shot me Hiro? You have nothing to be sorry for." Although I loved the pain that Yuki gave me, I also hated him for breaking me and turning me into such a weak pathetic whelp that needed the pain to survive.
He buried his face into my chest. "But if I had told you how I felt sooner, you would have left that bastard, if I had forced a confession from you. Made you tell me everything that he had done to you. Jesus Shu he shot you! You don't deserve that. You never have!"
"Hiro I would have hated you." My voice was clear and numb, betraying what the volcano of emotions that were erupting inside of me. "I would have hated you for trying to take me from him. I love him Hiro. Even now I love him and yet I love you…" I sighed leaning back into the plush pillows, closing my eyes. "Just leave me alone. Please Hiro… I want to be alone."
And that night I sobbed into my pillow. The desperate screams muffled and echoing in my mind.