*Blink* Wow. Look who's here! Firstly don't ask why the bloody long time to update. I may change my profile and explain why, rather then boring you all on here. Secondly *cracks fingers* its been a while since I wrote this. There have been a few fics about, that I haven't updated and so inspired by a rather low period in my bi-polaryness and reading suicidal Gundam Wing fiction. I have been inspired! Ok. So lets go! NOTE – BTW I noticed for some bizarre reason in the last chappie the whole thing had been posted twice. When I update this I'll be sure to change it.
Same disclaimers apply as before and flames as usual will be used to toast bread. If anyone wants to buy me jam to put on said toast? *puppy eyes*
"Hiro… I don't think I'm up to this."
I groaned as we slowly neared the familiar building before us. Three weeks on, after being released from the hospital and moving into yet another new apartment nearer to Ng so that K could also 'take care' of me. To be honest I feel like hes probably sitting on the roof of the opposite building with his sniper rifle aimed on me in case anything happened.
Today Hiro had managed to convince me, or rather sweet talk me into making one of the biggest steps to my supposedly recovery. I couldn't even being to conceive what would happen to me today. With each step I found my stomach doing flops, bile rising in my throat and an overwhelming sense of dread had crept into me. Damn I really wasn't ready for this, and here I was walking hand in hand with the guitarist beside me towards the NG studio building. A building of so many memories. Good and bad alike, memories of laughter aswel as tears. It felt as though I was a lamb being lead to the slaughter. Right now all I wanted was just for the floor to swallow me up. Or perhaps for a certain crimson Ferrari to have an accident, plough of the road in these icy conditions and kill me, splattering my guts all over the side walk. But you can only wish right? Or atleast have a vivid imagination, to hope such a thing.
"Just try, please Shu. You might feel better once you get in there. And I promise that we wont have to stay for long. I just need to pick some paper work up ok? If you get really bad then we can leave." He looked down at me. His eyes expecting something and an encouraging yet slight smile plastered to his face.
He had sprung the whole idea on me really, knowing that it would be hard for me to argue against it. We were only supposed to be out for an early morning walk before the world became a torrent of Tokyo professionals on their way to work on this icy Monday morning. The roads and sidewalks would soon be filled with the hustle and bustle of busy city life. I hated crowded places, it made me feel like an insect of sorts, one that could be so easily stepped on. Not only that but I also didn't want people to see the state that I was in right now. And it was best like this anyway, lest anyone see my face, recognize it and report it to the press. Shuichi Shindou spotted in Tokyo! Though it wasn't as if my face would be known now. After all I am out of the proverbial lime light, as it were. Although in the six weeks after my release from the institute, I was starting to look somewhat… I wouldn't say more normal but atleast a smidgin more healthier. Probably from being outside far more then usual. And the fresh air had certainly helped bring colour to my cheeks. I had even put on some weight from the decent, tasty and nutritious food that Hiro fed into me. He even let me indulge on strawberry pocky. The hospital food I was on was so disgusting that even if I had felt like eating I wouldn't want to and in my stay there, my weight had fallen so dramatically that the doctors had thought that my body was going to collapse in on its self. Now I had probably put only a stone on. Even though it wasn't nearly enough but it may have contributed to the fact that I didn't feel nearly as crappy as I used to. Though it may have just been from being able to sleep soundly for a while, in the arms of the one person in the world that mattered to me.
I squeezed the hand in mine, grateful for the warmth. The leaves had fallen from the trees and the first signs of a harsh and cold winter were beginning to rear their heads. And I couldn't help but shudder as the cold wind brushed against my face, stinging and stealing away the heat. I sank further into the thick coat I was wearing. "I just don't think that I'm ready yet…"
The brunette next to me drew us to a halt, drawing me close to gaze into my eyes. Damn those eyes. They could make me do anything, I knew every single part of them, each shade and every golden hue. I knew every expression that they had to offer. And right now he was clearly disappointed. He sighed, steam escaping from his parted lips. He obviously did not want to push me into anything that would halt the progress that I had apparently been making. At least he kept reminding me that I had gotten so much better all the time. Even K seemed to think that I had. Especially in the last three weeks. Of course I didn't hurt myself -that much- anymore. Noticeably anyway. And it was hard not to fall back into my old habits whenever I felt like it was all getting just a bit too much. So what if you couldn't see the suffering on the outside by what I would do to myself. It doesn't mean that I am still not suffering on the inside.
"Okay, how about this. You just wait in the foyer, while I go upstairs to get this stuff off Sakano-san? That way if you get nervous you can just go outside or something, and I'll come find you?"
The thought played on my mind for a moment before nodding slowly. It was an idea and one that I could escape from if I needed to. It took every inch of my will power to make that nod. God I was scared, so terrified in fact that it felt as though I was frozen to the spot. "Ill try Hiro…" Puffs of vapor spewed from my lips as I spoke as even its heat was stolen. It just seemed like a miserable day anyway and now I had a sinking gut feeling that it was only about to get worse,
"All I ask is that you try Shu, okay? Though I would like to see you still there when I get back." He smiled, his confidence in me renewed. And he leaned over to place one of his addictive sugary kisses of my lips, and they drank at the warmth they gave. "And maybe next time you'll come in a bit further?" He asked hopefully as he took his hands from mine and snaked his arms around my waist. It was a public gesture of his love and adoration for me that scared me somewhat. Even some of the early workers, who were on their way to work, gave us questionable glances but nothing more. Because of the time or because we were both male I don't know but it made my stomach churn. I sank into myself, fearing the public scrutiny. I almost went to pull away from his embrace but those fiery hazel eyes kept me glued to the spot and under his enchanting spell. It was only when he began to mention the people that I used to regard at my friends and colleges that I managed to tear my eyes from his, lest he see the small tear drops that were beginning to form at the edges of my eyes, turning into crystals as I refused to let them fall. Right now the wall across the street seemed incredibly fascinating and all I wanted to do, was be somewhere else right now, anywhere. And talking about anything but this.
"You know, they really do miss you Shu. You shouldn't be afraid of them. They care and they want to help you, just as much as I do, you know. Their your friends."
I found myself nodding again. It was all I could do not to let the emotions; fear, anguish and my nerves, spill out of me, betraying the calmness that I wished to portray. Though I did not want to disappoint him after all the time and energy that he had put into taking care of me, trying to make me better and I wanted to give something back, but my chest tightened painfully, as it always did, as I tried to explain what I was feeling. "I just… I feel like…" I knew what I wanted to say but perhaps it was the fear or the complete desperation that I felt, that was making me incapable to express my emotions as I wanted to. You couldn't help but envy the people in the world that found talking about what they felt so easy. To me it was like walking over burning coals.
"You're afraid. I know you are Shu." My eyes met his yet again, staring into them, straining to see what it really was that the guitarist saw in me. Hiro had developed this talent for understanding every thought that was racing though my mind even if I didn't myself. "You're afraid of what they feel towards you after everything that has happened. But you have nothing to be scared of." Damn, am I really that transparent? "They accept you, for you, Shu. Just as they accepted you when you told them that you were inclined to people in the same locker room." He blushed, perhaps from the cold, or the embarrassment of describing mine and his own homosexual tendencies like that. "They have learnt to deal with it, yours and mine. So what if your way of dealing with things is frowned upon by society, there are plenty of things like that. And everyone has different methods of dealing with the same emotions that you feel, right? Some go and get drunk, some cry and some bottle everything they feel up forever. They know that now, they accept it and more then anything they miss you and really do want to see you again. They love you. Theres no time like the present right? And… It will be warm in there!" He plastered a sheepish grin onto his face, trying to bring humor and lighten the mood. For some reason it just radiated confidence into me and I felt… like I could do this. His pep talk had sunk in and right now I could do this. Hopefully. Though five minutes from now, I may sink right back into the hole that I had been in all day. But right now I felt a little bit more normal, if there is such a thing but not only did I feel better I also felt a bit devious as well. More like the Shuichi Shindou that I used to know.
I grinned, showing the optimism that surprisingly I felt for once and went to kiss him. And he dropped his head to return the gesture, his lips to meet mine. And it was then that I attacked. Jumping on to my tip toes to reach that little bit farther to lick his nose just as a gust of icy wind blew towards us.
Hiro practically screamed in surprise and shock, as the cold air groped at and burned the wetness on his nose and he immediately released me from his grasp as his hands flew up to protect his nose from the onslaught of nature. That's when I made my move, just when he wasn't expecting it.
Nearly jumping from his reach I ran. And I was heading right towards NG. For once I wasn't afraid of what the future was holding for me. And for the first moment since my release I was laughing out loud and genuinly smiling as I watched Hiro begin his chase after me, cursing under his breath. We were both running and laughing, just like we had done when we were young. And for a second I felt like it aswel. None of this had ever happened. We hadn't been signed. And there was no blonde angel waiting for me at home.
It wasn't until I reached the main entrance of the studios that I stopped, leaning against a wall by the door and panting due to the foreign exertion on my muscles. As brave as I was feeling, I didn't feel like I was ready to face my fear and go in the building alone.
Only moments later Hiro arrived by my side. Bent over resting himself on his knees, he to was panting and his face was ruby from exercise. He grinned at me as he composed himself. More then likely making a mental note to get revenge at some point. His nose was running slightly from the reaction from the cold.
I rolled my eyes playfully, grabbing his hand as I turned to face the plexi glass doors. It was now or never I suppose. As much as I didn't want this to happen, at the same time I did, why I'm not sure. Maybe the words that Hiro had echoed only moments earlier were hollow and meaningless. Part of me shuddered in anticipation and I forced myself to go on, pushing the doors open to reveal the NG reception.
Heat burned onto my face from the air conditioning unit above the door and I found myself again unable to move as a nauseating wave of memories flooded over me. My breath hitched and I saw things that I wished so hard that I could forget. I was dressed in my sisters school uniform trying to convince Yuki that he wanted me. It seemed like I was always trying to do something like that. He had marched out of the same doors and onto the street that day and of course I had followed him, pestering him for his attention. But all he ever did was ignore me. I should have seen the signs really. He didn't love me. He was only using me for sex. Until he could find another tight little virgin hole for him to fuck. Oh and he did. Suddenly I was so afraid that I might run into Seguchi and any inkling that I had about going further into the building were banished
Sighing, I tried to shake the memories from me head. Trying desperately to dislodge them and fill the void with happy thoughts. Such as kittens, summer and of course Pocky.
Hiro lead me slowly towards the desk that took up the center of the room. It was such a huge, light and airy room and all I wanted was to find a dark hole to go and hollow up in until this dream was over. I was so sure of myself before and now I was second guessing everything. Perhaps Hiro's pep talk had warn off. And I wanted some of his cheery optimism to transfer through our joined hands and into my soul.
The Bad Luck guitarist looked down at me. Concern flooding his features. An all too familiar expression on his beautiful face these days.
"I'm fine." I lied. Every inch of my skin was itching. Needing a blade to cut through it. To release the pressure that was building up inside of me, threatening to explode.
We went through the mundane task of filling in the visitor book. I had never seen this receptionist before and assumed that she must have been employed in my absence, for she didn't seem to recognize me at all.
"You waiting here Shu, or do you want to come with me?" Hiro asked hopefully. And for the first time today I found myself shaking my head. Score one point for myself for being able to make my mind up on my own. I had managed to say no to the love of my life, rather then my heart being tugged along by the guitarist.
"I'll just wait here. Promise you wont be long Hiro." A stereotypical puppy dog expression graced my own features. And I felt relieved when he leant down to kiss me. His lips lingering on mine. I could feel the acceptance and pride radiating of him.
"I promise Shu. Five mins tops okay?" I nodded, watching him as he left me, moving towards the elevator to the fifth floor studios.
Scrutinizing the room, I found the waiting area with vending machines, chairs and a few plasma TVs attached to the walls. I fell heavily onto a plush velvety settee and turned my attention onto the nearest tv that was showing the news. Some celebrety had comitted suicide or something. Shot himself in the head. Damn, how come I could never escape guns and death.
It had been some bigshot novelist with blond hair and piercing amber eyes.
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but why? I didn't recognize the person on the screen before me. Did I? He seemed so familiar. Like I knew every inch of skin under the clothes in the photo.
And as the realisation hit me, I screamed.
If you have any of those why did you kill Yuki off comments, or what the hell were you thinking reviews. Please do not bother. In my next and last chapter. Everything will be cleared up. Questions people have given me, like why did Yuki come round before will be answered. Ok. And I know the next chapter is going to be a very stereo typical ending but I don't care. There is no where else in my mind that I can take this story and I have another little ficlet that I want to post too.
Anyway please R&R!