Courage is not the absence of Fear
Ch 4: A New Start
Thankfully, James did not mention the incident in the common room at all for the next couple of days. Lily had caught him sending worried glances in her direction throughout their lesson. This had left her with an almost permanent blush staining her cheeks. Marlene had politely asked her if she had been sun burnt in the recent good weather.
The dreams continued to plague her nights, although Lily had stopped waking up in panic after a couple of nights. In short, after six and a half extremely long years, Lily finally admitted to herself that perhaps, maybe she liked James Potter...a little.
Just as she realised this, another realisation swept over her, James had not asked her out all year.
She spent another day sleeplessly racking her brain to remember the last time he had.
It had been on the way back to London at the end of sixth year. James, and by extension Sirius had strutted into their compartment.
'Get out,' Lily said coldly, staring at James.
'Huh,' he snorted, 'Perhaps we didn't come to see you, Evans.' Lily raised her eyebrow at him, 'Go out with me, please?'
Lily stared incredulously at him for nearly a whole minute, 'GET OUT!' As they left, Lily distinctly heard Sirius' voice.
'You know Prongs, that time, she didn't technically say no.'
'Black,' Lily shouted threateningly. 'I will not go out with him!' She screamed, sticking her head out of the compartment door.
The two boys simultaneously broke into a run, guffawing with laughter. James even had the audacity to turn and wink at her before disappearing into his compartment...
Chuckling, she flung her self into the seat beside Marlene. One advantage of not speaking to the Marauders was that Lily finally got to spend some quality time with her best friend.
'You look awful' she informed, glancing up from the newspaper she was reading.
'Thank you' Lily said with a grimace, brushing her fingers over the deep bags under her eyes, 'I just haven't been sleeping well.' She glanced at Marlene, who was patiently waiting for her to say more. Lily took a deep breath.
'Marly..I..IthinkIlikePotterLikeLIKEhim' she blurted out, burying her face in Marlene's shoulder. When Marlene didn't reply, she peeked at her and was surprised to find her smiling.
'Finally' she said simply.
The two girls sat curled up on Lily's bed with a stack of chocolate frogs between them. Marlene was finally letting the news sink in, in a rather stunned silence.
'When-'
'I don't know.'
'What made you-'
'I don't know.'
'But how-'
'Oh Marlene,' sighed Lily, flopping onto her back on the bed, 'I really don't know why I like him, when I realised I like him, why it happened. Does it even matter?'
Marlene chewed her lip, 'I guess not. One last question though, what is stopping you storming down, right now, and snogging his face off?'
Lily let out a reluctant laugh; Marlene was not known to beat around the bush. She answered simply.
'Fear,' Marlene stared at her like she had suddenly turned into a piece of cheese.
'Of what?'
'Rejection, Marlene,' snapped Lily, 'It's not as easy as marching down and 'snogging his face off'.'
'Rejection?', Marlene repeated. Lily could see her trying very hard not to roll her eyes, 'From Potter? Are we still talking about the boy who has been pursuing you for the past four years?'
'What about this year?' Lily persisted, 'He hasn't asked me out all year.'
'Lily,' Marlene sighed, 'I can't tell you what to do, but if you really think that what you feel for James is strong enough, you should tell him. He would want to know.'
'...But all year.' Lily sighed, picking at the edge of her duvet.
'Oh my god, Evans,' cried Marlene, 'All I know is that if you have liked someone for three year straight, you are not going to stop having any feeling for them in two months over the summer.'
'But-' Lily was quietened by Marlene literally stuffing a chocolate frog in her mouth. Spluttering and coughing, Lily spat it out and whacked Marlene playfully on her arm; green eyes streaming with tears.
'I didn't think you would choke!' Marlene laughed, 'Honestly Lils, look, I can fit...ahg...whol...chocla...fo-' Marlene stuffed an entire frog in her mouth and looked at Lily proudly, mouth clamped shut.
The girls burst into laughter, which ended up with a lot of mashed chocolate frog spraying Lily's bed.
The next morning, their happy blissfulness crashed as more vicious news hit them from the outside world.
Marlene and Lily had just entered the Great Hall for breakfast. Professor McGonagall had descended upon them the minute she saw them.
'Miss Rivers, Miss Evans, pleases come with me,' she said, her jaw set in gritty way. Lily's blood ran cold. Something was terribly wrong.
Once they were seated in professor McGonagall office, Marlene caught her eye, each girl trembling, tears already sitting in their eyes.
'Marlene,' the professor began in a gentle voice, 'I'm so sorry. Your cousin, Clarissa and her fiancé, Robert –'
'No...'wailed Marlene, 'No. No. No. What has happened to them? Are they alright? Are they in Mungo's?' Tears were falling fast from her eyes.
'Marlene, they are de-...we were too late,' McGonagall sighed and dashed at her eyes as Marlene slumped into Lily, sobbing. Lily didn't brush away the tears that fell from her eyes either. She had known Clarissa. She often visited in the summer when Lily was there. Marlene and she were very close despite a seven year age gap.
Lily, unconsciously let out a small breath of relief. Not that she would ever, ever wish this on her friend, but she was so relieved that it wasn't her, slumped on Marlene. She cursed herself. How could she be so selfish?
They spent the day together, Marlene, hiccupping and sobbing while Lily soothingly held her hand or helped her pack a few essentials to take home for a few days.
Marlene flooed from their head of houses' fireplace, at eight o'clock that night; her eyes red and swollen, Lily headed for the one place she went to seek solace and comfort, the lake.
Although dusk was approaching, signalling curfew, she slumped on the base of a tree and rested her head on her knees, thankfully for the cool breeze wafting around her.
Life is so fickle, she thought sadly. Clarissa was only twenty five, about to be married, and it was all whisked away. No one knew what this 'Voldemort' was thinking anymore. No one was safe, pure, half or muggleborn.
She'll have to go to Petunia's wedding, she thought resolutely. Whether Petunia liked it or not, Lily was her sister. What if Lily died and never saw her family again. She brushed at the tears which formed; she didn't think she would have many left.
Lily heard footsteps approaching and knew who it was without even turning. James sat next to her and they were both silent for a while.
'How are you?' James asked, his voice, low and soft like on the night in the common room.
Lily nodded, 'Marlene's cousin-'
'I heard.'
Lily shivered at his voice; it was so tempting to sink into his shoulder. She thought about poor Clarissa and Robert. They were meant to marry and have a long happy life together. At least they had had what little time they could together.
This is war Lily; it's either now or never. Who knows, tomorrow may never come. She turned her head slightly, so that James was in her line of vision. She took a deep breath, controlling the almost constant, nowadays, fear in her stomach.
'James,' he looked at her; his hazel eyes piercing, 'Why?' she cast her eyes around wildly, was she really doing this now! 'Why don't you ask me out anymore?'
James stared at her, his mouth falling open, comically. She blushed furiously and began to apologise profusely.
'I think,' he interrupted her; 'It was because I didn't want our prefects to feel uncomfortable, and because it was what they expected so I thought I'd confuse them, for laughs. And, of course, I didn't want you to hex my ear off again. I am quite fond of them.'
Lily let out a small snort of laughter, something she didn't think she would do for a long time this morning. She hadn't really meant to hex his ears off; she had performed some accidental magic in their third year when she caught James eavesdropping on her conversation.
They fell into silence again, and then James suddenly remembered her question.
'Why did you want to know though?'
'Well,' Lily stammered, 'I really need a...a date for my sister's wedding.'
I thought that we may have forgotten about the war so you know...poor Marlene (n.b yeah her second name is Rivers. Trust I know where I'm going with this, ok?)
I hope you likey...Please Read and Review whether you did or did not because I really do want to improve...
ps. A new start was my longest chapter yet. huzzah!