AARON & JACKSON

-1912: The Aftermath-

"There Is A Tide In The Affairs Of Men"

Over time Aaron's legs could hold their own and there was no need for crutches which delighted Aaron. The last few weeks had calmed down; Chas wasn't watching Aaron as much now. The lads were sleeping together again, slowly getting on track once again, so she saw no reason to. However for Aaron Mark was still on his mind, he wanted him, and slowly during his recovery he realised he was involved with two men, it happened in straight relationships, just like it was in his and he couldn't control it and he didn't try, why try and avoid thinking or doing something that he wanted to do? When he first met Jackson Aaron envisioned a happy, uncomplicated life with him, he still wanted that and the excitement that Jackson gave him but he wanted to discover what excitement and new things Mark could give too. Aaron was fully aware of what he was doing and he knew by doing so he was sacrificing the happy life that he did indeed want.

Aaron paced around the living room, pinching his bottom lip in between his fingers as he processed the thoughts going through his mind. He was alone in the house. Jackson was at work and Chas had gone shopping. He was at a loose end, he wanted to find Mark, he grabbed his jacket and walked to the door and left the house, locking it first before leaving, he started walking off to Mark's house, he'd try there first.

A few seconds after knocking on the door Mark opened it and smiled. "Haven't seen you in a while"

"Yeah well you know…things at home and all that; I can go if you want?"

"N-No…no…"

"You alone?"

Mark frowned and scoffed. "Yeah, I live alone…"

Aaron rolled his eyes. "But someone could be round…"

"No you're fine…come in" Mark said with a smirk as he stepped back to allow Aaron in. Mark closed the door and turned to face Aaron. "Manage to escape then?"

"Mum's out, Jackson's at work" Aaron sighed. "I wanted to see you"

Mark nodded. "Go through, it's not as fancy as your house, but make yourself at home, I'll get us a drink"

"It doesn't matter; I'm used to this…" Aaron replied as he looked around the small living room. Simple basic items made the room a little less sparse than it would be without them. The furnishings were old and the wallpaper discoloured and damaged. He removed his jacket and sat down on the two seated sofa and waited until Mark walked through a few minutes later with their drinks, he placed them down and sat next to Aaron.

"Listen Aaron while you've been recovering I've had time to think"

"Me too"

"And I realise how calculated I was, I guess that was wrong of me but I couldn't help it I see you and I want you" he shrugged. "It was just that simple for me"

Aaron nodded, he understood his words. "And when you kissed me down in the mine…"

"You didn't move away"

Aaron agreed. "Because I didn't want too despite what I said at the time and I know that this can't possibly happen and by being here I'm contradicting that and I'm betraying Jackson in the worst way possible way but…" he let out a deep breath. "There are two men in my life that I want and I'm fully aware of what I'm doing"

"So…" Mark frowned. "What you saying?"

"I'm saying that I want you, Mark…y-y-you intrigue me…I'm not doing this because of how you went about things before now, you haven't made me do this, I'm doing it because I want too…and…" a smile crept on his lips. "You're more than just fine" Aaron blushed.

Mark remembered that comment Aaron made back to him in the pub flippantly before warning him they could just be friends. "You turn me on so much you have no idea, you're very sexy…you know with your moody look going on and the attitude…" Mark told him with a smirk.

Aaron laughed "Shut up" he blushed as he whacked him on the arm playfully but as Aaron pulled his arm back Mark gently took hold of his hand, upon the touch it was like a surge of electricity zipped through his body, he quickly faced him, no words were spoken.

They looked into each other's eyes, deeply. Aaron's heart was pounding and by some hidden signal both men lunged for each other, their lips clashed as they began to remove each other's clothes. Aaron felt Mark tugging at the bottom of his t-shirt, he pulled away to allow it to come over his head, while separated Aaron took the opportunity to remove Mark's and when his upper body was bare, Aaron stared at the subtle defined lines, the hair on his chest that was just the right amount, and then the trail of hair down his middle to his belly button then continuing in a line to the as yet unseen area. Aaron's hands explored it, his skin was soft, but his muscles beneath, firm.

"Aaron…kissing is one thing…but if we do this…"

Aaron nodded. "I know, well and truly crossed the line…but to me…I already had weeks ago when I started feeling things for you"

Mark remained silent and moved closer as did Aaron and they kissed again, passionately. Aaron placed his hand around his neck to pull him close. Their tongues swiped and fought quickly as they tasted each other. As they kissed Mark tugged at the buttons on Aaron's pants and he loosened them.

Breathless, Aaron lay down on the sofa lifting his backside to pull down his pants in the process. Mark pulled at them until they were completely off. He placed his hand on Aaron's underwear and repeated the same squeezing and rubbing movements from that night after the pub. As he felt Aaron he lay over him and continued their kissing. It didn't take long for Aaron to become hard; lost in the moment Mark slipped his hand underneath his underwear and held Aaron's fully erect penis in his hand and began to jerk it. Moans came from Aaron, the pleasure was amazing. After a little bit of time things moved on and escalated to a completely different level, Aaron was taking Mark inside him. Mark was fucking Aaron deep, fast and hard, during the sensual, passionate love making…Aaron was his. Mark didn't consider Jackson; neither did Aaron - not yet anyway.

Aaron was standing in the middle of the living room putting his clothes back on as Mark watched as he lay on the sofa, exhausted from their love making. "You can keep them off"

Aaron smirked. "I wish, but I better get back before anyone realises I'm gone"

"Aaron, you're not a prisoner"

"Yeah I know but people can't know, this is the only way"

"Hmm, you're right"

Aaron was dressed and he leaned down and kissed him passionately. "Tomorrow?"

"You bet" Mark grinned. Aaron smiled as he walked away. "Hey Aaron"

Aaron stopped in the doorway and looked back towards him.

"T-that was amazing…it was more you know" Mark told him with a thoughtful look in his eyes, something Aaron had never seen from him before and frankly it surprised him a hell of a lot.

"Are you being deep?" he teased.

Mark laughed. "Suppose I' am…yeah"

Aaron smiled and gave a small nod before walking away and out of the house.

As the bitter cold air and the harsh light of day were all around him, he was hit hard by severe waves of guilt. At one point on his way back home he had to run off down a side street and vomit, it was quick but it didn't expel the guilt – of course it didn't, he had to suffer after what he'd done! He wiped his mouth and cleared his watery eyes and made his way back onto the main street and carry on to home. It seemed that when he was with Mark it all made sense and nothing mattered but when he was alone or with Jackson, it didn't make sense and everything mattered.

As the thought of sitting in the house with him and his mum pretending surfaced…well it made him angry, not them though, he made himself angry by what he'd just done, a hole that seemed to dig itself just that little deeper every day.

He hated himself, he was cruel, the nastiest piece of work going and selfish, completely damned selfish! He knew he was and he'd ruined any chance of having a life with Jackson because he knew he wouldn't be able to sit and play happy families forever or for however long it all lasted with Mark and then to continue having sex with Jackson in their bed after only a matter of hours after he'd been fucked by another man.

The guilt would be his own undoing, but after all of it, after everything he'd done in his life so far, maybe he deserved to be back at the very bottom. "I should have died on that fucking ship!" he growled angrily then punched a wall and hissed in pain as the skin split immediately as he heard a crack. He shook his hand for a second but carried on, if it was broken…well it was broken…just like the rest of him.

Aaron walked quickly as the anger forced him on and the dark thoughts ravaged his mind, a thought came back that he had told Jackson a while back, he scoffed, there were better people on board that ship that died who should be alive rather than himself, they deserved life, and in his anger he believed he didn't. No, in fact he knew he didn't…

He felt the blood running down his fingers; he pulled his nose up at it, he really did not care. How he was going to survive the night ahead without letting his mouth run away with it self and in doing so revealing the explicit events of his afternoon was beyond him. It would take all of his strength not too. It was sheer guilt and the possibility to salvage whatever, if anything of what he and Jackson had versus a forbidden lover that he wanted to keep secret - which was it? He was not making that decision, he couldn't…he wanted both…but at the expense of the way it made him feel?

Arriving at the house, he didn't see it as his own anymore, he didn't deserve it! It was Jackson's home. He forced his key into the hole and unlocked the door and forced it open to the extreme that it hit off the wall and slammed shut behind him. Once inside a tirade of tears fell from his eyes as he flung himself onto the stairs and a hearty painful cry left him as he shook uncontrollably and his shoulders jerked up and down with each heaving cry.

Aaron didn't know how long he'd been sat on the stairs, staring into space in the silence, he felt no anger now just a numbness that encompassed his mind and all of his body. Tear trails were still evident on his cheeks as they peaked from time to time and fell from his eyes as he was sat lost in his own world.

He remembered the conversation he and his mum had after she surprised him. Aaron knew what he had done, he'd never forgotten and he really didn't need reminding, but his mum was right he could deceive if and when he needed too he'd done that brilliantly in the past. It was only his mum who saw through it one day and found out his darkest secret. Something he was sure, she wished she had never come to know.

It made him wonder if it caused her to hate him, to feel sick at the sight of him, to feel guilty knowing she gave birth to a monster…they say a mother's love is unconditional but what if some things a child does in later life goes beyond a mothers capability of giving that love? What if she simply couldn't anymore? He wouldn't blame her.

Aaron left for America because it wasn't the same any longer when they were around each other, not that there relationship had ever been perfect but it was okay; okay enough to withstand many things, but maybe what he did couldn't withstand that. And with that thought he left, he left her and Emmerdale behind, but he missed her as soon as he was away. Then as he began to get involved with Jackson he began to forget why he left and concocted 'the better life' excuse, well why not? That's what everyone was leaving for.

Then suddenly things started to go wrong again, the sinking scarred him on top of his scars that were already present but hidden away by choice, then his relationship with Jackson became strained afterward, his new found friends created a massive chasm between his boyfriend which widened as their distance between one another increased, physically and emotionally. Mark came into the equation, an instant attraction, and then feelings, the explosion in the mine scarred him again and now this. Now sex with him, this day was quickly becoming the second worst day of his life.

Aaron was rocking back and forth, drained from his thoughts, his memories and his feelings. He dropped his head in his hands and dug his palms into his eyes in anger. He gasped and forced them away angrily and began to see white dots in his vision caused by the pressure from his hands. Aaron stood up and ran upstairs to his and Jackson's bedroom and at speed he removed his clothes, they were dirty and so was he.

Now naked, he stormed into the bathroom slamming the door behind him and he put the plug in the base of the bath and turned the hot water tap on. He sat on the cold edge of the bath and waited for it to fill. When it was filled to his liking he turned the tap off and stepped in, it was red hot just how he liked it and he lowered himself down, he didn't hear the front door closing, he was still void of any sense of reality.

Staring over at the taps he let his eyes close and he pushed himself slowly under the water. Once settled he opened his eyes in the water and looked up, he could see the shimmering of the lights on the surface of the water, he could hear the drop of water falling into the bath from the tap, other than that there was silence. He closed his eyes again and stayed under. More dark thoughts came to him; he thought that him being underwater should have happened all those months ago only then though he wouldn't have had the ability to rise up out of it. Aaron expelled his breath as he came out from under the water.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Jackson asking after him. Aaron closed his eyes and sighed. The guilt was constant but when things like hearing his voice happened, it spiked. "Yeah?" Aaron replied.

Jackson opened the door and popped his head in seeing Aaron in the bath. The way the bath was Aaron was laying facing away from him. "You alright?"

"Not really"

Jackson then walked in and propped himself onto the edge of the bath and looked down at him, he looked pale. "Why?"

"Just don't feel so good, thought a bath might you know…help" he said with a quick raise of his eyebrows.

Jackson smiled sympathetically at him. "It might…when did this come on?"

"A few hours ago I think"

"You want me to call the doctor?"

Aaron shook his head. "No don't be daft, it's probably just a virus or something, I'll be fine"

"Alright, well then can I stay with you?"

Aaron nodded.

"Aww you really aren't well are you?" Jackson spoke like one would to a baby as he placed his hand on his cheek.

Aaron's usual expressions were none existent as he shook his head. No, no he wasn't well. Wasn't well in the head!

"Come on sit up, I'll wash your back for you"

Aaron as if on auto pilot just did as Jackson said and lifted himself up so he was sitting. He stared blankly as the world around him carried on without him, at least until he snapped out of it when the sensation of Jackson's hand on his shoulder was felt, then another sensation, soap. Soap that was guided by his other hand; after Jackson had made circular movements with the soap to lather it up all over his back he put the bar down and with both hands he began to gently massage Aaron's back.

Aaron closed his eyes and tears fell silently, Jackson was being so gentle, considerate and loving. Aaron's guilt was hidden for now because Jackson simply couldn't see. Aaron's face was scrunched up as the tears fell. Why did I do it?

Almost instantly stopped himself and scooped up some water in his hands and rinsed his face, to which then Jackson caught sight of the cut and bruise over two of his knuckles. He frowned. "Aaron? What did you do?"

"Hmm?"

"Your hand"

"O-Oh I erm…" Aaron frowned, thinking fast. "I erm I tripped when I took the rubbish out, hit the pavement, hand took the brunt of it"

"Ah, what you like eh?" Jackson said with a smile. "I'll get a bandage when you get out, keep it covered"

Aaron simply nodded.

…

As Jackson and Chas settled for the night in the living room with a drink, Aaron was far from settled; he sat on the sofa next to Jackson with his drink in bandage wrapped hand. He hadn't uttered a single word really after he'd gotten out of the bath but Jackson didn't seem to be worried, probably because he told him he wasn't feeling well. Aaron listened to their chatter, Chas was astounded by the shops around, it didn't surprise Aaron she loved shopping. They talked about the rest of their days.

"And when I got in, I found this one" Jackson began and looked at Aaron with a smile. "Having a bath"

"Yeah" Chas frowned; she instantly assumed something wasn't right. "Don't look well at all"

Aaron looked at her and nodded. Then as Jackson shuffled closer, Aaron's eyes darted around as he began to panic, then as Jackson moved his arm and placed it around him Aaron flinched ever so slightly. Jackson didn't see because he was placing his drink down as he did so, but Chas did however see and her eyes narrowed as she began to come to conclusions. "Well whatever's wrong with you; it's come on quick hasn't it? I mean you were fine yesterday"

"Yeah well" Aaron glared at her; he knew what she was doing. "I can't control when I get ill, mum"

"No" she flashed a smile. "Of course not"

"Just ride it out, be gone in a day or two" Jackson smiled as he made circular movements on his back with his fingers.

At the end of the evening Aaron and Jackson stood in their bedroom. Aaron stood at the end of the bed staring at it while Jackson got undressed, he didn't want to get in it.

Once Jackson was undressed he pulled back the covers. "You going to undress or what?" he asked with a smirk.

Aaron jumped back to reality. "O-Oh yeah…" he smiled slightly and began to remove his pants and then his t-shirt, leaving him in his boxers and he walked to his side of the bed.

Jackson watched him as he lay propped up on his side. "And they can come off" he told him with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Aaron frowned. "What?"

"No boxers, not tonight…" Jackson spoke softly.

Aaron's stomach was in throat, he dreaded this and now it was happening. "Oh yeah…course" he breathed calmly and reached down and pulled the boxers down off his legs leaving him standing naked.

Jackson grinned, he loved Aaron's body and he patted the mattress next to him beckoning Aaron to join him. Aaron forced a smile as he climbed into bed. "I don't want you getting ill too" he said half-heartedly.

Jackson pulled up his nose at Aaron's words. "I don't care; I just want you right now that's all that matters" he told him and he sat up and pulled Aaron down so he could kiss him.

Aaron kissed back because he did love Jackson, and loved their intimate moments but he wasn't fully giving himself to Jackson. Jackson did feel some resistance but he put it down to Aaron feeling unwell, no one was at their best all the time and he certainly didn't mind doing all the work. He lay Aaron down and Jackson's love making to him began, because that's what it was, one sided. Jackson's head was resting at the side of his own, buried in his shoulder and Aaron's arm was wrapped around his neck loosely. Jackson's warm panting breath against his skin as he grinded deeper inside him made him hate himself once again. As Jackson reached his climax, Aaron felt his load filling him and he closed his eyes tightly, he was disgusted at himself.

He watched as Jackson rolled off him, he smiled at Jackson and Jackson moved in to kiss him. "I love you Aaron"

The sensation of burning was felt in his eyes at Jackson's words, he wanted to cry, but he stopped it. "I love you too" he told him with a small smile. Out of everything, those words to Jackson were the only truthful words he'd spoken in a long time and would continue to be.

Aaron couldn't sleep, hell he didn't expect himself too and as he looked at the clock in the darkness he could make out that it was almost four am. With Jackson sound asleep next to him he pushed away the duvet carefully and enough so that he could slip out, he grabbed his dressing gown and once on the landing he closed the door then made his way downstairs. It was cold and the wooden floor was even colder and sent shivers through his body. He walked into the kitchen and flicked on the light. His eyes instantly closed, he'd been in darkness for hours the brightness of the light was too much straight away.

Squinting, he made his way to the kettle and filled it with water. When he turned back to put it on to boil he jumped when his mum was stood in the doorway.

"Jesus mum! You almost gave me a heart attack" he told her as he put the kettle down.

Chas didn't say a word and sat herself at the table and just watched him with folded arms.

"What?" he frowned. "Are you just going to sit there in silence? O-oh or are you sleep walking?"

"No. I'm not sleep walking. I'm very much awake"

"Oh alright then" he said with the scrunch of his face as he pottered around preparing his cup of tea. "Do you want one?"

"No"

"Okay then" he said with a sigh. He felt like an animal in a zoo being watched by visitors.

"You've slept with him haven't you?"

Aaron quickly shot his head round in her direction. "What? No!"

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes!" he hissed. "I haven't seen him, things are better here now, you know that" it seemed he could still deceive her, but it wouldn't last long.

"Yeah that's what bothers me…"

"Erm why would it?"

"Because it can act as your cover…"

Aaron scoffed. "Don't be stupid!" all the while knowing she was right.

"Yeah well…whatever you're doing…I don't have proof yet…and when I do"

"You won't" he said as he sighed loudly.

"And when I do" she repeated louder. "I'll make sure you're stopped, you aren't hurting that lad up there who is absolutely oblivious"

"Oblivious? Mum, I'm not doing anything"

"You bloody better not be Aaron" she told him as he was finished making his drink. "Oh and I'll have a tea actually" she smiled.

Aaron rolled his eyes and sighed and moved to get another mug out of the cupboard.

TBC…