A/N: Sorry it took a week to finally update :( Thank you for your encouraging reviews, I'm always happy to read your thoughts, so don't hesitate to share them :D
Muito obrigada pelos comentarios :) sou sempre feliz em lê-los
Chapter 13 : There's a big hole in my heart
Nick and I took turns with Kelly during the night. It is fair to say we haven't had a full night sleep since our son's birth, but he is by far the only reason we manage to smile instead of drowning in despair. Today is going to be particularly tough on me, but I try to keep the reason of my torment in the back of my head, concentrating instead on other tasks.
When I woke up this morning, Nick was already gone. With Kelly still asleep, I decide to check my emails right after breakfast. I haven't done it in a while and I'm sure my inbox is quite full of advertisement emails along with work related ones, but I really need to keep my brain occupied, to prevent it from over-thinking. As I proceed to check my inbox, a particular e-mail gets my full attention. It's the latest one and …
It's from Sean
My heart leaps, I know what to expect. I know what it's going to be about, yet, I can't help it when I click, both eager and terrified to discover its content. When it opens, it doesn't have any text, except for a link on which I click. A video opens, covering my entire phone screen. A beautiful young girl smiles at the camera while opening what must be a present. It's my Diana.
"Happy birthday, Sweetheart" I recognize Sean's voice
Ocean blue eyes stare back at the camera with a happy grin "Thank you, Daddy"
Few days ago, I met with Henrietta begging her to deliver my birthday present to Diana, but she looked at me apologetically saying that she couldn't risk it. Last time she helped me, Sean discovered it and he went berserk. The genuine regret that filled her beautiful chocolate eyes prevented me from insisting. Instead, I carried the weight of my angst and left.
"I'm sending this video to mommy, want to tell her something?" his happy scowl sets goose bumps on my skin
"No" she starts to turn away "I don't have a mommy" she sniffs, voice breaking and my heart cracks "She left me for a new family"
The camera becomes unstable as I hear for the first time alarm in Sean's voice "Hey, Sweety, I…"
The screen goes blank
My hand flies to my mouth as I try to stop myself from screaming. Pain is crawling on my skin like razor blades, cutting so deep that I can barely manage to breathe. Sean told her…He's hurt our daughter just to get to me in the process…This heartless monster stops at nothing…
Reaching for the phone I inadvertently dropped to the floor, I dial Martin's number. It's been few days since I last talked to him and I need to know if the FBI has registered any progress regarding the BC case. With my daughter away, I can never feel happy or complete. Every day that passes by is just one more reminder of my prisoner-like life. I'm a puppet in my master's hands.
"Martin Meisner" he answers in his usual severe tone
I inhale deeply "Meisner, it's Adalind. Sean contacted me" I proceed to tell him about the video link and Diana's birthday. All along, he listens intently before asking me to forward the link so that a team of experts studies it.
"We have created a special division dedicated to bringing down BC" Meisner starts to explain "We've picked the best and more reliable agents in the FBI. It's a secret division within the FBI though, we don't trust anybody with the BC case given their connections and how well rooted they are in all strategic places. Bringing them down is not going to be an easy task, but it's the top and sole priority of this new team"
However, when I press him to tell me more about it, Meisner dismisses me saying it's confidential and that he's already told more than he should. When I hang up, I feel slightly relieved knowing that the Bureau has decided to put in place such a division, but the knowledge doesn't attenuate my torment.
I can't wait for today to be over
Kelly's cries bring me back to reality as I hurry to his crib and collect him in my arms. After that, I fall into our new baby/momma routine; cleaning, feeding, pampering and playing. My ringtone interrupts our play time.
"Hey, it's me, Nick" I decide not to point out that I already know given that he is in my contact list "How is Kelly?"
Controlling my emotional turmoil, I breathe "He's fine"
Silence
He must want to add something else, but he seems to hesitate, so I intervene "Do…you need something?"
"Actually, yeah" I hear determination in his voice, while he adopts his all business attitude "I left a file on the kitchen counter and right now I can't leave the precint…it's kind of urgent"
"You want me to bring it over" I finish for him
"Would you mind?"
Considering that I have absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to be right this moment, I'd say NO. Besides, I wouldn't mind the change of scenery, this fortress of a loft is taking the best of my sanity. Turning toward the bedroom, I proceed to get Kelly's baby bag ready.
"I'll be there in fifteen"
I hear a sigh of relief through the receiver "Thank you"
While Kelly is in his crib, waiting patiently for Mommy to get ready, I stuck thin towels in my breastfeeding bra, because you never know when your boobs will turn into milk fountains, they seem to enjoy doing it in public (Couple of show offs), I grab a pair of dark blue jeans and a shapeless baby blue blouse that hides my slightly still swelled tummy. Although I don't mind the new size of my breasts, my belly is another story, but it's not anything I'd worry about. With everything I've gone through during the pregnancy, I haven't gained much weight.
I barely inspect my reflection in the mirror before I leave, a red headband is keeping my bangs back. My bare face stares back at me in the bathroom mirror, not a long time ago, I would never leave the house before applying some mascara and lip stick. Now, it seems like a waste of time. I'm neither in the mood to indulge myself, nor interested in impressing anybody. My ocean blue eyes pop out, reminding me they've always been my best attribute. With Kelly in one arm and the baby bag on the shoulder, I grab the car keys and file before hopping in the elevator.
Exactly sixteen minutes later, Kelly and I make our way into the precint. It's quite big and crowded. Police officers come and go, some wearing a uniform, others not, only their badges giving away their profession. I clutch Kelly tightly against my chest as I hurry toward a familiar face.
"Officer Wu, right?" I ask the officer with delicate Asian features that I met at the hospital after a car had almost ran over me.
"Yeah!" his face goes from blank to recognition in a split second "Miss Shane"
"Shade but please call me Adalind" I smile kindly at him "Do you know where I could find detective Nick Burkhardt? I have something for him"
He regards me suspiciously before turning on his heels "Sure, follow me" I do as he asks, ignoring the curious eyes roaming over Kelly and I. Haven't they ever seen a woman and her son over here?
Officer Wu directs me to Nick's desk which he shares with (brace yourselves), Hank Griffin…Yep, the one and only Hank I dated to extirpate information I needed for a client. I feel heat rising to my face the moment our eyes meet. I'm so ashamed of what I did and I never got the chance to apologize, I simply avoided him altogether.
"Hey Nick" Officer Wu gestures to me "Miss Adalind Schade here is looking for you" I notice that Wu doesn't move when Nick rises from his chair, probably wondering what I could possibly have to give Nick when the FBI made it clear I was the bureau's case and not the Police.
As soon as he spots his daddy, Kelly starts wiggling in my arms, reaching for Nick who immediately hurries to take him from my arms, eyes shining with their usual affection and pride. Kelly giggles when Nick holds him high above his head "You like that Buddy!"
Hank stares at me uncomfortably, but he doesn't look at all surprised. Nick must have told him about Kelly and us living together, I guess. Wu on the other hand is dumbfounded.
I produce the file from Kelly's baby bag and hand it to Nick "Here" with the baby still in his arms, Hank decides to step in and takes the file from me. I remember Hank as a caring person and a hard worker, both qualities I admired about him but I think that even when I exploited him, he sensed that I was never truly romantically interested in him. I was only carrier oriented and focused on my objectives. Under other circumstances, I believe we could be good friends
"I'll walk you out" Nick states while Kelly strokes his two days stubble
Nodding, I wave at Hank and Wu and follow him out only to come face to face with Juliette, Nick's ex. If I thought this day couldn't be any worse, I was wrong. The look of disgust on her face tells me she's not a fairy godmother casting positive spells on my son. Nick stops abruptly, sensing the tension in the air. I try to stick to him, but if I come any closer I'd turn into his Siamese sister.
"So the rumors were true" her eyes travel from Nick to me and vice versa "You two really have a baby" she laughs humorlessly "I can't believe I didn't see it coming" Juliette's acidic words attract unwanted attention around us.
"I don't owe you any explanation, Juliette" Nick's heated glare surprises me
Juliette sports an ugly grimace on her face "Bullshit! For moths I felt terrible for what I did, when you are no better"
Right now, all I want is to do is grab my baby and run as far away from this woman as possible. But, with Kelly in his father's arms, it won't be easy and I'm not leaving without my baby. In other terms, I'm stuck.
"I should have known. You always seemed to bring out the worst in each other. When she was dating Hank, she was all you were talking about. How he deserved better, how she was manipulative…etc…and that day at the restaurant, I saw the way you were staring at each other, but when I confronted you" her words tasted like poison "You denied it"
"Juliette, you're making a scene" Nick says through gritted teeth. I can see he's starting to lose his patience.
She shakes her head with a fake smile "Deep down, I knew there was more. The tension between the two of you was almost palpable and oh so suffocating at times"
I have no idea what she's talking about. Nick and I hated each other. That day at the restaurant, we were staring at each other with despise and irritation. He even followed me to the bathroom to confront me with the fact that he knew all about my motivations and he was going to expose me. That was the night when I noticed that the green of his eyes changed according to his mood…Alright, so maybe that's not the point right now.
"Is there a problem here?" Officer Wu comes to our side
"Yeah" Juliette points a skinny finger at me "This Bitch slept with my fiancé"
Fury runs in my veins, stealing a man from another woman was never in my agenda. Despite knowing perfectly well that replying to her comment is a bad idea, I can't help it when my mouth resumes talking "Technically he was never your fiancé to begin with" Nick sends me a death glare that I ignore "You refused, remember? Probably out of culpability over cheating on him with your boss, who by the way is way inferior to Nick, if you want my opinion"
Nick's unhappy scowl turns into surprise
"Oh and before I forgot, you were already over when we did the deed, and I can't even start to tell you how much we enjoyed ourselves" there, serves you right moron. I hate unfaithfulness and cheating. Nick is a good man and he didn't deserve what this woman did to him. He's too decent and respectful to ever tell her those things, which is why I stood up for him. He's done so much for Kelly and me that it only seems natural to be the one protecting him for once.
Not that he needs protection, with his warrior body and amazing detective skills
That last part apparently made Juliette lose her mind (or what's left of it) "I'll kill you" she jumps on me, but Nick intercepts her with one arm while Wu shields me and Hank takes the baby from Nick.
"I see" Juliette spits vehemently, staring at us one by one "I can't believe I came here to ask for forgiveness" that last part is directed to Nick
"What's this commotion all about?" A tall man, with salt and pepper hair and a fitting grey suit draws our attention
"Nothing important, Captain Raymond" Hank exclaims, eyes not leaving Juliette
She rolls her eyes, then glares at me "I'm leaving, but we're not done"
Her threat sends shivers down my spine. My mom always says that a jealous woman is a dangerous woman.
Captain Raymond turns his grey eyes on us, once Juliette is out of sight, his eyes staying a little longer on Kelly and I "Burkhardt, Griffin, in my office, now"
Hank places Kelly in my arms and Nick instructs Wu to escort us to my car out of precaution. Bloody Juliette might still be waiting for us outside, plotting for her revenge or the many artistic ways she could dissect me and feed me to the dogs.
Once in the safety of my car, I let the rage sweep over me and dial Rosalee's number to tell her all about today's adventure at the precint. During the whole conversation, she listens intently, interrupting me only to shout a series of OHHHHs and AHHHHs.
"Now you have one more enemy on your list of people to avoid" Rosalee sighs when I finish
I groan. She's right. I should have kept my mouth shut, but something tells me she would have hated me anyway.
Back to the loft, my thoughts drift back to Diana, bringing to the surface all my suffering and hurt. Because of Sean's manipulation, she thinks that I abandoned her for a new family, when the reality is that she was stolen from me, but she's too young to understand. This feeling of abandon, I know it all too well and I don't want for my daughter to ever think that she wasn't worthy of her mother's love.
Nick steps into the life, while I fix dinner. He barely says hi as he walks directly to his son's crib. I should apologize about my outburst this morning in the precint, but I don't feel sorry about what I told Juliette, because I meant every word I said and if he's not happy with it, then so be it, but this unscrupulous woman should have seen it coming.
Nick's phone rings, then I hear him speak to his sister "Sorry I missed your graduation…Already! Guess you're that good…Uhuh, where have you been assigned?...I see, but there's conflict of interest. I don't think it's a good idea for you to work on the BC case...He's doing great, you should come see your nephew very soon…Alright, be careful…"
Nick's mention of BC reminds me of all my problems, without realizing it a striking pain hits me. As I stare down, I see blood dripping on the immaculate sink. I stare blankly at the knife on the other hand. I must have screamed because Nick hurries to my side "What happened?" but I'm immobile, staring at nothing in particular, while tears streak down my face. It's not the physical pain that hurts, but the loss of my daughter and of any type of control over my life. Nick places my hand under the water faucet and washes the blood, then grabs my arm and leads my limp body to the bathroom where he retrieves a first aid kit and proceeds to patch me up. But this superficial wound is nothing compared to the big one in my heart.
"Adalind what happened?" his eyes are filled with concern, but the lump in my throat is too big to let any sound leave my mouth "Does it hurt?" he asks again
I nod. But I'm not referring to the cut on my finger and weirdly Nick seems to understand what I'm talking about "Want to tell me about it?"
I bite my lower lip to stop it from quivering. Nick brushes my lip with his thump to free it from my biting teeth "It's ok to cry when it hurts, Adalind"
His green eyes hold mine and I feel my walls of restraint cracking
Swallowing, it takes me several tries to be finally able to speak "She turned six today" I whisper. My shoulders start shaking and I know I can't hold it any longer "She thinks I abandoned her, Nick" my voice breaks "She hates me…I will never get her back, unless I do what he wants" with every word I say, my breathing is more labored. I collapse to the floor and sob harder, to my surprise, Nick lands on the floor with me and collects me in his arms, while his back is pressed to the wall. The warmth of his arms and his intoxicating smell help me relax a little bit as I press my cheek to his rock hard chest.
"Tell me about her" he demands in a soft voice