"You were wrong, you know," Will whispered to Allan, stationed outside the king's bedchamber in their "borrowed" guard uniforms, while Robin and Djaq silently executed their mission inside, and Much waited anxiously down the corridor, arrow nocked to his bow. "Nine months from St. Valentine's Day would put Robin's birthday at November 14th."

Allan shrugged. "What can I say?" he laughed. "I wanted to see him squirm. I knew you'd figure out I was bein' funny, and Djaq, but Robin's as stupid as Much when it comes to numbers, 'specially when he's flustered, thinkin' about his da and mum makin' him! And Marian! She'll figure it out, once she's over her indignation at my cheek! No wonder Robin likes to give it to her so much...did you see the look on her face?"

"I think we need to be quiet," Will warned him, trying to listen for any sound that might come from within, where Djaq was playing her part.

"Yeah. Don't want be accused of actin' like Much, not shuttin' up."

Serious again, the two friends waited with strained nerves, trusting Robin would quickly accomplish his mission of scaring the king into needing his "protection."

...

Moving on silent feet with his unique catlike grace, Robin edged closer to the curtained bed containing King John, while Djaq crept to the other side.

Disguised in Marian's new Nightwatchman mask with her scarf concealing the bottom half of his face, Robin had to fight to stay focused on his mission. With every breath he took, he inhaled the fresh scent clinging to his beautiful wife's scarf, intoxicating his senses. He could almost taste the sweetness of her lips, driving him to distraction. It was something he hadn't considered, when choosing his assassin's disguise, a mistake he vowed never to make again.

Years of warfare, first in the Holy Land and later in the forest, battling Sheriff Vaisey and Gisbourne, had coached Robin to master his thoughts. Regaining his focus, he thought, This is for you, my love...for the life and the love we will have, and for our children. This is for my men, so that they too can live in the open, no longer hiding in shadows. And this is for the people of Locksley, our people, so they can enjoy our care and protection.

Rattling snores issued from behind the heavy bed curtains, not half as loud as Little John's snores, but far louder than those made by Robin's pregnant wife. Pulling back the bed curtains with a swift, fluid movement, Robin discovered the snores came not from the king, but from his companion.

Drunk with wine, John had chosen a coarse, bloated, hairy-armed laundress named Hawise, twice his age, to share his royal bed for the night. Both appeared naked under the sheets. Djaq, usually an expert at masking her emotions, had to open her eyes wide and blink in surprise at the king's unlikely choice.

And you made my wife think of herself as a "fat cow!" Robin couldn't help thinking. I'll enjoy making you pay for that, you unworthy swine.

Unsheathing his dagger, Robin crouched down beside the sleeping king, and placed its cold steel blade against his sovereign's exposed throat.

Adopting the accent of a French peasant, Robin hissed, "Wake up! I want to see the look of fear in your eyes, when I kill you!"

Not only did the king awaken, but so did Hawise. The middle-aged laundress sat bolt upright in bed, displaying her uneven sagging bosoms, enormous belly, and hairy arms. The flesh on the underside of her upper arms jiggled like the jellies on the king's banqueting table. Her piercing screams were quickly silenced by the diminutive Djaq.

Panic stricken King John was hyperventilating so badly, he could not find his voice. His cry for his guards eked from his lips a mere whimper.

But Robin's accented voice rose loud enough to provide the signal for Will and Allan to charge into the royal bedchamber. Swords drawn, the two "guards" rushed to their king's defense, only to make a hasty retreat when "attacked" by the two
"assassins."

Weeping that all was lost, King John begged for mercy. "Don't kill me!" he cried, pathetically. "Help! Help! Is there no one who can save his king?"

"There is no one!" Robin hissed, in his French accent. "Tonight, I will have my revenge, and spill your blood!"

"Revenge? What have I done to you? Who are you?"

"Prepare to die!"

Hearing his cue, Much shot a steady stream of grey goose fletched arrows through the open door of the chamber.

"He has come!" Robin breathed, appearing awed by the arrows throbbing in the bedposts. "We are doomed!"

To the king's vast relief, the two assassins fled the room, disappearing as quickly as they had appeared.

In a matter of seconds, Robin of Locksley, bow in hand, sauntered into the chamber.

"Locksley!" the king cried from his bed, clapping his hands in delight. "You saved me!"

"Yes, Your Majesty," Robin agreed, dropping to one knee. "Someone had to do it. Your guards are useless, it would seem."

"But...but...but I thought you were locked up, in my dungeon!"

Robin cocked a grin. "King John," he said, winningly, "when have you ever known a dungeon that could hold me?"

"I know you," Hawise declared, in her rough, cockney accent. "You're Robin 'Ood!"

For the first time since he'd regained sobriety, John looked at the woman who had shared his bed. He screamed. "Ahh! What is she doing here?"

"You and me 'ad a jolly time last night, Lovey," the oversized woman told him. "Don't you remember?"

"Someone, get her out of here! I am the king!"

"I'll be happy to escort your mistress anywhere you order, Your Majesty," Robin said, hiding his mirth behind a courteous demeanor.

"That hideous creature is not my mistress!"

"It looks like I get to save Your Majesty twice tonight," Robin said, reminding the king of his earlier attack. "Am I pardoned, and my wife as well?"

"Yes! Yes! Just get this hideous moo cow out of my sight!"

"I'll need that in writing, if Your Majesty would be be so kind."

Smiling charmingly, Robin presented the naked king with ink, pen, and parchment. Hastily, King John scribbled a pardon for both Robin and Marian.

"Who tried to kill me, Locksley?" the king asked, as Robin took possession of the parchment.

"I have no idea," Robin lied, throwing a cover over the stinking laundress so he could escort her away.

The laundress, madly in love with Robin Hood ever since she'd seen him "fly" down a rope on his bow from the top of the castle, was beside herself with pleasure at finding herself alone in his company.

"Care for a tumble?" she asked, grinning, revealing a mouth missing most of its teeth.

"Not tonight, thank you," Robin answered. "You're not the only woman I'm escorting home tonight! In fact, there are two lovely ladies waiting for me, to take them home."

Grinning, he couldn't wait to thank his gang for their successful mission, and especially to show Marian the pardon and bring her and Ellie back home to Locksley.

(Note: Typical for me, I pulled a "Much" and miscalculated the number of months between February and October. Thanks to a guest reviewer, who very kindly pointed out my error. All I can say is, "Sorry!")