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The Jedi call it the Will of the Force, while others call it fate or destiny. But really, when you break it all down to its base components it is really just a fancy way of saying that things happen that we cannot control. Life can take sudden and unexpected changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. And I think that is why sometimes people try to say that it is the will of some higher power. People naturally want to be in constant control of their lives, but that isn't always the case. And so when life does spiral out of control we try and rationalize it as the will of some higher power in order to give an importance and meaning to what happens. At least that is how I am starting to see it.

Maybe this is the Will of the Force, but I just wish sometimes that the Force would just tell us what it wants rather than be so mysterious. I cannot tell whether this is the Will of the Force or just some random stroke of chance in an uncaring universe, but I do know that there is little to no possibility of going back anytime soon.

Not after what happened.

All my life I looked up to the Council, just as every other Jedi did. They seemed so wise, so strong, so enlightened, so, so right. Everything about them radiated enlightenment and legitimacy. As I grew up I realized that they were not as omniscient as I had thought they had been when I was a youngling. But they still seemed to know what was best for the Order and for the galaxy. Anakin always had a rather rough relationship with the Council. He was always chafing under their authority, clearly unhappy with their rulings and their ability to fight and win the war.

I understood where Anakin was coming from, he always had his own path to follow, and I never held that against him.

Now I know why he distrusted the Council.

My only desire in life before now has been to become a great Jedi, to serve the Force and the people of the galaxy. I held every value that the Order supported as sacred. Nothing else mattered more to me. I thought I understood life.

Now I don't understand anything.

One of the things I learned in my time as a Padawan was that respect is a two way street. If you want to be respected by someone you have to show them respect in turn. So where is my respect? I was undeniably loyal to the Council and they threw me to the angry mob at the first opportunity. They didn't even bother to mount their own investigation to verify the "facts" that pointed to my "guilt". No they couldn't be bothered because it was inconvenient for them. What about Barriss? She was supposed to be my friend and she stabbed me in the back in order to get away with murder. The only one to even try to help was Anakin. Not even Master Plo came to my defense aside from a few weak willed protestations.

And then, after all is said and done Master Windu had the audacity to write it off as a trial of strength sent by the Force. A TRIAL! Even the other Masters on the Council looked pained when they heard him say that. It was such a blatant attempt to cover up his own crass mistake that I knew then that my choice was clear. That was the straw that broke the Eopie's back. Master Windu and the Council had learned nothing from this catastrophe. This isn't some minor mistake we are talking about. I was very nearly executed because they couldn't be bothered to believe me, and they expect me to come crawling back into their service? Some of them were sincere in their apologies, this I know, but nothing ever changes with them, and I can't serve the Council anymore, not until I have figured things out for myself.

I sound like a whining child, complaining about how unfair my lot in life is, but there are no more constants in my life. I'm not a Jedi anymore, I don't know who to trust, and I have no idea what do with myself.

I don't even know what to believe anymore, and that is what really scares me. Without anything to believe in what purpose does my life have? I don't know. But I need to sort this out. And I know that I couldn't do that if I rejoined the Jedi.

Shortly after I left the Temple I went to the Docks and stowed away on a transport bound for the Outer Rim. I intended to lose myself there, find some place quiet maybe and meditate. Hopefully then the answers would come to me. But as I sat there in the darkness of the hold I found dark thoughts creeping into my mind that I could not banish. What if Barriss was right? What if the Jedi have fallen to the Dark? What if they have become corrupt? Does that mean that my entire life has been spent serving a force of evil?

These terrible thoughts plagued my mind for days on end. But time spent in solitude has allowed me to clear my mind, and a vague picture of the truth began to form in my mind. The Jedi serve a corrupt government, I cannot deny that, but does that make the Jedi themselves corrupt? No, I do not think so. But I do think we have lost sight of the path. The Darkside clouds everything in this war and so we have deviated from our true way. Centuries of complacency have slowly transformed the Council. Slowly but surely the Masters and the institution of the Council itself have become less questioning and more rigid and assured of their own wisdom. Because of this they are less willing to second guess their own decisions or think more thoroughly on the consequences of their actions. And so the Council, blinded by their own supposed wisdom led the Order astray.

But does that make them evil? No, even Master Windu, arrogant though he is has a good heart and only wants what is best for everyone in the end. They are, at their worst, misguided and arrogant.

For days I think about the Order, and I see how dogmatic we have become. By looking at things with an outsider's perspective I see that there are some flaws that must be fixed, but the central tenets of the Jedi Order, commitment to serving others, the acquisition of knowledge and the keeping of the peace are noble goals that are still worth fighting for.

But what about the government we serve? Why do we bother fighting for such a corrupt institution? I think we fight not for the Republic as it is but for the Republic as it once was. The Republic has been increasingly corrupt since long before I was born, but let us face facts, even with the Jedi to protect it no government could last twenty five thousand years if it was so consistently incompetent. I see now that the Republic was once honest with virtuous leaders and noble citizens. The change had to have been recent then. The apathy of the people has bred this corruption and allowed unscrupulous men like Tarkin to gain power for themselves.

Tarkin.

That miserable rat embodies all that has become wrong with the Republic. He is arrogant, ruthless, power hungry, pitiless, and vile. And men like him are becoming more and more numerous in the military and the government every day. But I suppose I still have hope. There are still honest people in the government. People like Padme and her colleagues for instance. Perhaps they can turn the tide and restore the Republic. I hope so.

Perhaps the remedy for the Jedi and the Republic are one and the same; recognition and reform. Having had time to look at the situation, I realize now that both sides have severe problems, but there is good in both of them. As long as there are good people in both organizations hopefully they can recognize the problems that they have and fix things before it is too late.

At Barriss's confession she said that the Republic, and by extension the Jedi were failing and that it was only a matter of time. A matter of time until what? Until both imploded under their own weight? I can't believe that. I need to have hope that things will inevitably be fixed. I don't think that after everything that has happened to me that I could go on if her ominous predictions came to pass.

But was Barriss right to do what she did? Are things so terrible that she would have to resort to terrorism in order to make her voice heard? Are things so bad that she would betray me? I don't know.

I think I now have a good idea of why these things have happened and why things are the way they are, but I don't think I can go back. Knowing why things are the way they are is one thing, but will anyone realize the truth if I tell them? The Council would never listen to me, and I can't even trust them enough to try. I can't trust anyone now accept for Anakin.

I've hurt him badly by leaving, I know that, but the pain he is feeling at my departure is only a fraction of the pain I felt at the betrayal I have gone through. I wish him the best, but I'm not ready to go back yet. I have learned a great deal in the time since I left, but my mind is still clouded and I feel that there is so much more that I need to learn and decipher.

Who knows, maybe someday I will be able to place my trust in the Council again, but that day will not occur for a long time to come. I know that this is not the Jedi way, and I know it sounds selfish of me to think only of myself and my loss, but this is just something that I cannot get over so easily. Besides, I'm not a Jedi anymore.

But, maybe someday I will be once more.

Whatever happens will happen, I cannot change this. I just need time to deal with everything that has occurred.

But there is one absolute that I know of to be sure. This isn't the last time Anakin and the Jedi will have seen me. We will meet again before this war ends.

It is only a matter of time.