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I know.
With those two words she is gone without a trace. I wish I could have said more to her, but I don't know what else I could have said. I failed her. I am… I mean, I was her Master. I'm supposed to watch out for her and be there for her no matter what. I didn't try hard enough. I should have seen this coming. But I didn't, and now Ahsoka is scarred for life because of me.
Her life has been ruined because I couldn't be there for her when she really needed me.
Her last words have rattled through my head repeatedly after she left. What did she mean by that?
I know.
Does she understand that I couldn't be there? Does she mean that she knows my thoughts and feelings on wanting to leave the Order? Does she know about Padme and I?
I suppose now I'll never know. But I should know. I need to know. I mean, what point is there in being the Chosen One if I can't save anyone. I couldn't save my mother from the Sand People and I just barely managed to save Ahsoka's life. And now Ahsoka's faith in the Jedi has been shattered and her life turned upside down, all because I couldn't do enough to help her.
But it's not my fault. I could have done so much more for her if it wasn't for the Council. I could do so much more now and in the future if they didn't hold me down. I could be so much more. But I am constantly restrained by their edicts and held in place by their will. I could save everyone if they just let me try.
The Jedi Council. Don't make me laugh. More like The Yoda and Mace Show guest starring some random Jedi Masters.
There are times when my rage threatens to burn me alive but I have always managed to keep it in check. And now all the Council has managed to do is put more fuel on the fire. It's funny now that I think of it. It is not enough to simply have an emotion, but said emotion has to be given a description like a metaphor.
Love is pleasantly warm and comforting.
Sorrow is cold and bitter.
Rage is supposed to burn like a fiery inferno.
But the rage I feel now at the Council is different. In the past my anger threatened to burn me alive. But now it has become cold as ice. It is a calculating contempt that is not as easy for the Council to detect. And yet it remains. It is difficult to explain, but this rage is not prone to outbursts or violent fits. No, this hatred sits there quietly, building and building, remembering every slight or trespass against me while biding its time; waiting. Waiting for what I wonder? I have a feeling that I shall find out soon.
The Council is supposed to lead the Order. But this is not leadership. Leadership is supposed to inspire faith and trust in those who follow and on that matter the Council has failed abysmally. The Council simply orders others to blindly follow their commands regardless of the consequences. Perhaps it is time for the Council to take a page out of the Chancellor's book.
They sit in their High Tower looking down upon us all; ordering us about like token game pieces on some giant board like this was a child's game. But it isn't! We are all people with hopes and dreams and desires. We are not droids that can be used, abused and disposed of. We have given our lives to this Order. I have given my life to this Order. And what do we get for our steadfast service? What do I get? Nothing but a smug sense of superiority and kingly disregard from the oh so infallible Jedi Council.
They are a bunch of arrogant schemers, all of them, formulating their little plans behind closed doors while people like Ahsoka and I pay the price for their callous short sightedness.
But surely Obi-Wan isn't like that? He's your friend.
Obi-Wan has been on the Council for a while now. I had hoped he could bring some reason to them. But it seems he has become tainted by their narrow minded point of view. His word can't be taken for granted anymore. Not after he faked his death. I should have been let into the loop on that mission. But no, it was necessary that I not be told.
I've had my misgivings with the Council in the past, but now things have gone beyond the point of no return. The Jedi Order abandoned Ahsoka, one of their own at the drop of a hat simply because they couldn't be bothered to look into things further. Jedi are supposed to look out for one another. We are all supposed to be brothers and sisters in the Force, bound together by the Light. But the Council doesn't care. They don't practice what the preach, not anymore anyways.
When Ventress pointed out that she had been abandoned by Dooku just as Ahsoka had been abandoned by the Jedi I realized that the Jedi Council and everyone on it is no better than the Count himself. To my horror I have realized that they have become just as heartless and petty as a Sith Lord. The only difference is that they refuse to see how far they have descended. And now I see the truth. In hindsight it is so blatantly obvious. Everything they say now can no longer be held at face value. Every action they take has to be scrutinized. Every move they make must be watched. They can't be trusted to do anything right anymore. Not after this. They have crossed the line. All of them. Even Obi-Wan.
Barriss was right about one thing. This war is tearing us apart. It is destroying the principles upon which the Jedi and the Republic were built. It is transforming us into something different, something ugly. I don't like what we are becoming, whatever that is.
I hope Ahsoka will be okay and that she'll find whatever it is she is looking for. She is a clever and resourceful young woman, and she did have me as a Master after all. She will be fine. Hopefully.
But Ahsoka's departure isn't the end of this scandal. The Council has crossed the proverbial event horizon. There is no going back now, I realize that. Things are building and building to a breaking point.
A reckoning of some sort is inevitable.
It is only a matter of time.