REMEMBRANCE CHAPTER FOUR by Chapin

The Characters, places and situations of Doc Martin are owned by Buffalo Pictures. This story makes no claim of remuneration or ownership, nor do I make any attempt to infringe upon any rights of the owners or producers.

Careful - there are spoilers for Season Six

Thank you for reading. I welcome your reviews and input.

"Now that's weird. A shop with dead rats in the window."

We were walking back to our hotel. It was such a pristine day and the walk would do us good, though it turned out to be more of a trek than we anticipated. For awhile we looked in shop windows and watched the Parisians enjoying their week-end. Somewhere along the route my mind began to wander again. All of a sudden there was a store with rats hanging in the display window. Seeing that brought me back to the present. The sign over the door said Julien Aurouze & Co., Destruction des Animaux Nuisibles. "Mum, it's a pest exterminator. The sign reads 'The Destruction of Unwanted Animals.'" If it had been James with me, the rats would have drawn him through the door. For Joan and me, it was soon far behind us - as was my paying attention to Joan's going-on about French fashion.

The conversation in the cafe had opened the gates of memory.

I vividly remember awakening in the hospital following my brain surgery. Recalling the terrible night and my resolve to not go away. I wondered in the light of day if I could carry through with it. Martin, with uncertain eyes on me, spoke first.

"Louisa. How are you feeling?"

"I think I'm OK Martin. I feel a bit woozy but not too bad. Can I go home today?"

"Yes, you should be able to. If you would like to go back to the surgery I can stay out at the farm or in a hotel. I do hope you will reconsider your resolve to go to Spain. I told you once I could not bear to be without you. Louisa, that is more true now than ever."

"Oh Martin I hear your words, but do you realize I feel rejected. It really hurts my soul. I can't stand it. Do you remember the day I brought our breakfast to your office so we could be together? Do you? You handed me the tray and sent me away. I cried until I was physically ill."

It troubled me greatly to cause the pain I saw on Martin's face, but this was not a time to mince words. I knew, and Martin had to know this was life and death for us. We were at a breaking point and I had to know what had brought on his isolation since our wedding.

"Martin, I'm not sure I make you happy. Am I really good for you? Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I mean wrong with you Martin. You are completely self-absorbed. You will not talk with me about it. What are you keeping from me? Are you seriously ill? I fear I am responsible for your haemophobia. I cannot take more of the way it has been. Can you see that? Do you even know what I am talking about? Surely you cannot feel good about the past few weeks. Martin. Martin!"

"Louisa, after you left in the taxi I was so disoriented I could not even deal with patients. I actually gave a patient the wrong medication. In desperation I drove to the farm and talked with Aunt Ruth. I am terribly frightened Louisa. I must make changes. When you were falling asleep with the anesthetic I told you I need you to help me learn. Please Louisa. I do love you and I want to be with you and James."

I made a mental note to talk with Ruth. Perhaps she could help me understand - not just Martin but understand myself. I firmly told Martin, "Thank you Martin, but I have to know if you are willing to tell me what is wrong. Will you tell me what Ruth told you? Once you told me, 'I don't really talk.' That won't work anymore. You have to really talk!"

Suddenly, I heard Joan's voice.

"Mum, you're a million miles away. You have hardly said a word since we left the cafe. I've really upset you, haven't I?"

"No Joan. I'm not upset, but our conversation triggered memories. Not all of them are pleasant, but they have a very good ending and you are much a part of that beautiful ending Sweetheart. We have a bit of time so lets bathe and lie in a bit before we go out."

The walk from Montemartre was longer than we anticipated so thus a bit tiring.
Arriving back at Novotel Les Halles we did lie down for awhile. Thankfully it was was three hours before Monsieur Llompart was to pick us up. Drifting into a nice nap I recalled the continuing conversation that I had with Martin when we left the hospital.

In hospital Martin had left his emotional door ajar and knowing how quickly it could close I decided to push him a bit.

"What did Ruth tell you Martin?"

"Well, she had several comments Louisa."

"Fine. One, Martin. Tell me one thing that she told you."

I knew this would not be easy and we were not going to resolve much this afternoon but endearing comments had to be concretized into clear thoughts and words that really would help us. In uni when someone looked as uncomfortable as Martin we used to say they were sweating like a pregnant nun. But the crack in his armour was still there. "One thought Martin. Just one. What did Ruth tell you?"

Finally he spoke.

"She told me I should surely know that the physical symptoms I have exhibited recently are not a medical issue. She believes they flow from my mind and emotions."

I had to push him. "Good Martin. Now, do you believe your aunt?"

"She said if I wasn't willing to change I should - well she actually said, "...if you're not willing to do that, then leave the poor girl alone."

"Martin, I am not a poor girl and I do not want to be left alone, but as I told you continuing as we have been will destroy us. I simply cannot take it. I just can't" My eyes were welling with tears as I said this.

"Aunt Ruth does not believe we can solve our problems by ourselves."

I thought to myself that should be obvious to a blind pensioner. "And..."

"She is willing to suggest a therapist who could assist me."

It struck me to tell Martin this was not just his issue to solve. His isolating himself in working this out would just be more of the same, leaving me out of the equation. I was glad to know he would consider counseling.

"Not just you. Me. Us. We must work on this together. Surely you know I do not bring a blank page to our relationship. I do not know where this will lead but if you take Ruth's suggestion, will you include me? I promised to stick by you for better and worse, and Martin, it has to get better."

"Louisa, I must repeat what I said, I need your help. I hear what you are saying. I am trying to make sense of it. I will promise to give our marriage and life together paramount attention."

"Alright, my husband. I miss our son and I am weary of speaking of this now. I know you must be. You are not going to the farm! Take me home."

We were crossing the moor and slowed for a turn. I asked Martin to stop the car. He did and asked what was wrong, thinking I was feeling ill, perhaps something from the surgery. I looked at his beautiful eyes and placed my hand behind his neck, assuring him I was fine. I just stared into his eyes and pulled him to me into a deep and tender kiss. I allowed my lips to communicate the feelings of my heart and my thankfulness for his telling me what he did. He responded in kind and it was a mutual communication of acceptance and peace. That depth of feeling carried us to our son and to our home and allowed us an evening together that I hoped so much would be the first of many like it.