CHAPTER FIVE REMEMBRANCE
The Characters, places and situations of Doc Martin are owned by Buffalo Pictures. This story makes no claim of remuneration or ownership, nor do I make any attempt to infringe upon any rights of the owners or producers.
Careful - there are spoilers for Season Six
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CHAPTER FIVE
"I actually gave a patient the wrong medication."
It had been a few days since our return home from hospital. Martin was being very cautious with me. He did not even want me to lift James for a few more days. I knew he was truly caring for me and I tried to keep the belligerence binned and do what he asked. He was being cautious, too, in trying not to offend. We both knew the road before us was clouded with uncertainty and I suppose we were both walking on "pins and needles" as they say.
I was lying in bed having returned after breakfast and getting James Henry down for a nap. Martin was busy with patients and rather than sleeping, my eyes were carefully scanning the room as I tried to sort things in my mind. I very successfully noted every small crack in the plaster and the thread patterns on the quilt. But when it came to sorting things the vision blurred considerably. Martin had told me on the trip home from hospital that after I left in the taxi he became so confused he gave a patient the wrong medication. Then I recall he told me he abandoned Morwenna and patients and drove to the farm to talk with Ruth. At that point one resolve did become as clear as the cracks on the ceiling. I had to speak with Ruth.
My eyes wandered to the blue sky outside and two seagulls floating on the wind as I slipped into a restful sleep.
Ruth Ellingham was not as demonstrative as her sister, and there were no casseroles from that quarter. But she left no doubt that she was a caring and loving person, despite the Ellingham facade. She had really taken to James. She came every day to check on us so I had asked her if we could visit a bit after James went down for his afternoon nap. Martin would be busy with patients and that would give us time and privacy.
It was Tuesday and finally the stars aligned so Ruth and I could visit. It was a comfort that there was one in whom I could confide; someone who truly understood. Given that, it was a most relaxed atmosphere. So with a pot of wonderful Yorkshire Red on the table, we talked.
I told Ruth of Martin's and my conversation on the way back from Truro. With that I jumped in to the thick of it.
"Ruth, I believe Martin and I both want to make our marriage work, but making that happen is a different kettle of fish." My mind had an image of a ship frozen in ice.
Lip in mouth I suddenly was searching for what to say. Why? After all, here was the person I hoped could help free our ship. "I just do not know where else to turn. Please tell me why Martin seems so distant since our wedding. He asked me to help him change. How can I help him if I don't know what is going on? I feel like a child at the board doing maths asked to solve an equation. The only problem is that on the board is a problem with most of the facts missing, just a few numbers and symbols. So much is at stake Ruth. Can you give me the missing facts?" I wondered if my face showed the turmoil I was feeling in my gut.
Ruth took a drink of her tea, set the cup on the table and put her hands over her face. I wondered what that was about. She looked at me very directly and said, "Oh my, Louisa. This is not easy for me. I care deeply for you and Martin. I hope you are not expecting me to tell you what must come from him.
"I love my nephew, and you must know what he told me was not unknown to me. It would have been worthless had I brought it up to him. We are Ellinghams, Louisa. Last week it was a fearful little boy who came to me with tears in his eyes. He wants help Louisa but he is fearful he is destined for disappointment. And in my opinion, his fear is not unfounded. You cannot imagine what he has been through."
"Oh, Ruth what am I to do? You know how hard it is for him to talk! I must know why he is isolating himself from me emotionally. I even told him that he seems to be rejecting me."
"Well there you are. I believe that Martin feels he does not deserve you. I know that sounds absurd, but he has lost so much in life, or never had it, that he feels even if something good comes, it will go away. His greatest fear, Louisa, is that he will lose you and James. Losing the ability to do surgery pales in significance to this, believe me. And he is pushing you away. His inner conflict is so great he is physically ill."
"Oh bloody hell Ruth and what do I do? I fulfill his fear by fleeing to my mother in Spain. I love him so much." A sip of tea did nothing to calm my anxiety. "How could I be so stupid? I am determined but I feel so helpless."
Ruth looked very strained and I waited for her answer. "Louisa it will take that and more; possibly more patience and forbearance than you think you have. But I hope you do know the value of the effort. You are an extraordinary person Louisa and you know how special Martin is. You know some of his home background, but I doubt you know all of the hurt and abuse he suffered at the hands of others. Do you know how rare it is for someone to recover from that in a way that allows them to actually contribute to society? I have worked with hundreds who have had to be imprisoned to protect themselves and others. Many of them endured far less than Martin endured as a child. You must understand that the only way he could survive was to build a an impregnable wall around himself. Do you realize the risk he takes in allowing that wall to fall? You are one of three people who has ever glimpsed behind that fortress? He trusts you Louisa.
"Now, I have assured Martin that he cannot resolve all of this by himself. I have recommended a very good therapist to him who hopefully can assist him in getting beyond this impasse."
I thought that I probably did not realize the full implications of what Ruth was telling me. I pushed with her that I did not think Martin should isolate himself in his healing. "Ruth it seems that I should be involved to some extent in this counseling. I have issues that obviously need to be resolved." I hoped my honesty would help Ruth be more open with me.
And there was Ruth's trademark crooked smile. "Yes, of course Louisa. Like Martin you have hidden your demons behind a very successful career and I do not know you like I know him. I imagine, like our Martin you have pushed the football under the water a long way."
Hiding my demons? What demons? Football in the water? "Ruth, what in the world are you talking about?"
"Push a football underwater Louisa. Keep pushing. The deeper you push it, the higher it will fly when you release it. You have witnessed this with Martin, haven't you? Now, are you able to see it in yourself? Surely you are not so naive as to think you have missed this with your issues of abandonment, mistrust and insecurity.
Yes, yes, YES Louisa, you must be involved in this resolution."
Maybe it was my pride, but I had not thought my issues as severe as Martin's.
Ruth implied that I had a good bit of healing to undergo. Well, I asked for her help and it would be very stupid to ignore her.
Ruth continued, "But you realize this will be a long process and the crux of it is Martin being willing to truly share who he is with you. And you, of course, must be willing to share your life's journey with him. It may be that your doing that first will help him open up to you. This will be by fits and starts and progress will be slow, but it can happen because you do love each other. Martin asked for your help. Do you realize how amazing that is?"
"Ruth, I just want to be happy."
"Well, sorry Louisa, but in the words of Inigo Montoya, 'Get used to disappointment.' Happiness is not a destination. So many make the mistake of thinking they will be happy when they get the perfect job or find the perfect partner.
Tell me dear, have you not shared any happy moments with Martin.?"
My mind went to the few times when we had been alone with no interruptions and no prompts for medical interpretation. I remembered the wonderful day Martin asked me to marry him and that same night when our sweet son entered our lives.
Yes, that night and the days following I was very happy. "Oh, yes Ruth! We have had our happy times!"
"And did they last, Louisa? Were you in a state of ongoing happiness?"
"Well, no, of course not. You know all of our ups and downs."
"Well alright. Do you see? Happiness comes and goes. I believe if you think of it that way, you will be happy more often. Seek happiness for Martin. Seek to be content with him in working through all this mess."
It was such a help to listen to this wise woman. She had stopped and become very introspective. In fact the Ellingham persona did not seem very intact. She was staring out the window and seemed to have forgotten that I was even in the room.
"Ruth! Ruth, what is wrong? You seem troubled."
"Oh nothing really. I'm alright Louisa."
"Ruth, come on. You are family. And that is an easy stoic Elllingham answer. I see pain in your eyes." It seemed to me our whole conversation was affected by emotions surfacing in Ruth's mind.
"Louisa, people think that psychiatrists have it all together. They come to us for answers for their problems. If you want advice Louisa, ask Bert or Mrs. Poustie or any of your friends or colleagues. We shrinks don't have answers, and would not give them if we did. If we are true to our calling we guide discovery. But I digress. We are human Louisa with all of the issues of the rest of the population. Did you know psychiatrists have a higher rate of suicide than other medical specialities? The simple truth Lousia, and I am so thankful we are family, the simple truth is that being with you today is causing me to relive a time in my life when I had many moments of happiness. I was moving toward contentment and it gradually collapsed and disappeared."
"Oh, Ruth. What happened? I am so sorry to have resurrected all of this in your heart. What in the world happened?"
Ruth's lips trembled and I swear I saw tears in her eyes.
"Hamish Louisa, Hamish happened!"