conversational convictions

Anakin overheard Afir discussing her shortcomings with his padawan.

"But isn't the mission the most important thing?" Ahsoka asked.

Afir's lips pressed together. He saw her shiver and it disquieted him. The light of the cooking fire was unnecessary for warmth as far as his troops were concerned. And the jedi had their cloaks and their training to help keep out the cold. And yet here was where they gathered, drawn like moths to its light, to the fellowship around it. Afir was silent for a long moment, staring at the fire. Anakin watched her. For once his padawan bided her time.

"The mission is important, Ahsoka," Afir told her seriously, still watching the flickering flame. "Perhaps that's why I've not been given command, not been conferred the title of 'general.' Because I'm just not willing to risk it. It just doesn't seem worth lives."

A trooper reached over and patted her knee. "That's not so," he argued. "You went in there today like a demon with a mission. Most of us would have thought twice. There's protocol to follow when a soldier goes down. But you leapt in there, just like we weren't a dime a dozen, just to reach Garmon. And what about that whole expedition last month on Kentubu? Who volunteered for that? That wasn't a risk?"

"It's different." She turned to face the smaller jedi. "It's different, Ahsoka, and never forget that. It's easy for some people to commit troops to battle, to weigh and gauge risk and reward. It's necessary to lead from the rear at times and I understand that. It's absolutely black and white for them. And it's true and good and right that they serve the purpose. For me it's not. I can put myself on the line any time and not think twice about it. But I will not be the voice that sends another to die. It's my weakness. My begetting sin. I'll never be an effective councilmember because of it. Never be the general that Obi-Wan is, the born leader that Anakin is. My role is more solitary, I suppose."

Obi-Wan snorted from behind her. "Solitary is it?" His arms swept wide to encompass the men around them as he hauled his weary bones up the hill and sat down behind her.

"She's young yet, sir," Cody told his general. "She'll get the hang of it."

Obi-Wan shook his head and gently petted the long tail of hair hanging down Afir's back. "I hope to all the gods in all the heavens not, my friend. I hope not."

"Because it would mean that she wouldn't be the same?" Ahsoka asked.

Obi-Wan nodded. "In all my years as a jedi I've always been able to come back to Afir. She's been steady as a rock. It's not a weakness. It's simply another way of looking at things. And it means that when Afir is in charge of a mission she'll reach a peaceful settlement ninety-nine times out of a hundred. Because the alternative is so awful for her. And it means that every time she goes out I'm terrified she won't come back. Because she would so rather be the one to pay the sacrifice than risk another being's welfare."

"That's what we're here for, Master Kuay-Li'in," one of the troops called out. "You let us worry about getting down and dirty. Don't you lose any sleep over it."

Afir smiled into the silhouetted figures, unsure who had spoken. Then she glanced over at Ahsoka. "Obi-Wan is a fantastic teacher, a true jedi master. He has an unshakable faith and yet a pragmatism that makes him see the balance. Listen to him. Anakin is a natural alpha male. He's confident and imaginative and loyal and dedicated. Emulate him, too. But do this for me-do this one thing, so that you never forget. Know every man. Know his name, not his number. His favorite color. Favorite music. Favorite food. What kind of weather he likes best. Where he'd go if he had a day off, a week off. And never forget them. And, someday, when this is over, make sure that you stand in those places. Because it's these men who are going to secure them as safe havens. And when your missions send you there, when you look out over those vistas, remember him then, too. And give him the honor he deserves as a man, an individual, not one of a faceless mass. They're one of us, part of our tribe. Keep them together; keep their fight - - their sacrifice - - in your heart. And remember what made them smile. It's the least you can do for these brothers who are called on to fall first."

"The ones who fell first," a deep voice echoed. Another seconded it. Someone near her lifted his canteen cup, probably full of nothing stronger than caf, and offered her words as a toast. As all of those within hearing lifted their cups and joined their voices Rex's eye caught Afir's. And he nodded in approval. That meant a hell of a lot to his men, what she'd said. She truly considered them equals. It was something to think on.

He wasn't supposed to hear the conversation in the command tent that night.

"Nobody asked them if they wanted to do this!"

"No one asked the Lilostian's if they wanted their home invaded by the Separatists either, Afir! This is what their job is. It's what they do!"

"It's not like they're given a choice! Even their genes have been shaped to serve this single purpose! When was the last time anyone enrolled a clone in an arts class. Or a judiciary review. Or a consortium on clean fuel?"

"Afir!" Obi-Wan reached out, grasped her by the upper arms, and shook her gently. "What is the difference here? How many missions have we not been on together where getting out alive was touch and go? You never hesitated then to outline a plan with risks - - and not just risks for yourself, but for us all!"

Tears fell. They coursed down her cheeks and broke the man's heart. "Obi-Wan, we volunteered. We knew what the risks were when we left the temple. And we always have a choice. I can quit tomorrow - - just walk away and pretend that I've seen nothing. What's in them makes that impossible. And I will not be party to that. It's wrong. Maybe not for you and maybe not for Anakin and maybe not for Masters Yoda or Windu or Mundi. But it is for me." She met his eyes. "I cannot do it."

"Did you ever think that what's in our blood demands that we do what we do as well? That it is the midichlorians that drive jedi and thus the midichlorians dictate our life course every bit as much as the mutations in the clones' cells."

She shook her head. "It's something to consider, Obi-Wan." Her words admitted that he had a worthy and reasonable point. Her tone told him that she still couldn't see it as reason - - that she wouldn't let herself be reasoned with that evening.

"But not your answer," he sighed.