CHAPTER SEVENTEEN REMEMBRANCE
The Characters, places and situations of Doc Martin are owned by Buffalo Pictures. This story makes no claim of remuneration or ownership, nor do I make any attempt to infringe upon any rights of the owners or producers.
Thank you for reading. Your reviews and comments are most appreciated. There may be spoilers for Season Six.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I had told Dad I would call Emily's father and work out a time when we both could talk for awhile. Luk was probably his closest friend. Actually I think the number of people he considered "friends" could be counted on one hand. I knew Luk to be a pleasant person and rather looked forward to our conversation, but I did not know how to begin. I was most uncomfortable getting things going. "I want to marry your daughter," seemed a bit blunt. Small talk would seem stupid. I finally placed the call, not sure how I would begin.
"A call from England. Hello James. I have been expecting you. Hope things are well there with you and our daughter. Emily has been miss non communication since arriving there."
"We are well, sir. I appreciate your taking some time so we can talk a bit. I suppose I should get to it and tell you the purpose of my call."
"Sure James. As I look around this house, there are pieces of conversation lying all over the place that lead up to this, but it will be good to hear it from you. I am all ears. Tell me what's on your mind or your heart or both."
"Mr. Jacobs, I want to spend the rest of my life with Emily. You know how long we have known each other. I do love her. We have talked about this at length. I simply want to know that you and Mrs. Jacobs would welcome our marriage. Sir, as a priest you do a lot of blessing. If you have one for us we would be very glad."
"Well, James from your voice you would be glad but also very relieved. Let me put you at ease. First, Mr. Jacobs was my father. Please call me Luk. Second, nothing would make Natalie and me happier than to welcome you into our family and have Emily be a part of your wonderful family. There, is that better? Why don't we pour ourselves a drink and visit about this."
So for the next two hours Luk and I had a most enjoyable conversation. It was so easy to see why he and my father had connected when they lived in Portwenn. Emily and I were only toddlers at the time. He put me at ease in a way I could not have imagined and I truly looked forward to times together with Luk and his wife.
I don't think he or my dad have a phony bone in their bodies.
"The devil is in the details James. Have you and Emily figured out how this is all going to come together?"
"She is going to speak with Mum as to how to secure a teaching assignment, hopefully in Plymouth where I will be for at least two and maybe five more years. I know you might wish we would settle there in the States, but there are many reasons why that is not tenable if I intend to continue my career path. We have not talked about when all of this will happen, but we are determined to make it work."
"I never expected Emily to live Stateside. Over the years her affinity for England has only increased. She does not like to go out for breakfast because she cannot get her egg and soldiers or Marmite for her toast. Oh, and she has never had tea in a restaurant in America that she did not consider substandard. We have a lovely lady in our parish who is from Surrey. She told Emily once she could never understand why people would put tea in rags to brew it. So James there is more than one reason Emily will be most happy to be living there. Another plus is she would be closer to her grandparents in Belgium.
"You know, James, I am very curious as to why you have decided to specialize in Psychiatry. I would have thought you might have followed your family's tradition and gone into surgery. Why psychiatry?"
"Sir, there are many events and thoughts that led to my decision. Actually it was Aunt Ruth, my Dad's aunt actually, who planted the idea and nourished it over time.
"Then you may recall that when I completed my A Levels I had an opportunity to work for a year in medical program in Central America. That year had a lot to do with how I view life now and what I value. Most do not think of addictions being a problem in nonwestern countries. Believe me, it is huge. Both alcohol and drugs. For six months I worked in a center for addiction rehabilitation. I realized if we could save one man we very likely saved his family from a life you do not want to imagine."
Luke was intrigued by my direction and went on, "It interests me greatly James on several levels. Obviously in a pastoral role I deal with mental health all the time so our interests intersect. The baffling thing we both have to face is the continuing stigma there is attached to mental illness and the counseling profession."
I responded. "There is a fiction among medical students that those who can't cut it in another speciality go into Psychiatry. Dad told me that he depreciated psychiatry and counseling earlier in his career. Said he called it psychobabble. That, even given the fact that his aunt is a psychiatrist. The brain is the least understood of all our organs. The issues of cognition, will and emotions are very complex. I don't think of it as a last resort but as an immense challenge."
"How does your dad feel about your decision?"
I had discussed the matter with Dad a good bit. I remember telling dad. "You and Mum, Dad, you play a large part in my decision. You told me once that counseling helped you and Mum stay together."
Dad hesitated a bit and then replied, "Yes, it is true. Aunt Ruth told me when we were at a point of crisis that if I were not willing to change I should leave your mother alone. She told me that anybody can change and I would have to work on it harder than most. You have no idea how much I feared losing your mother and you. I determined to not play games. Whatever was required, I would do it. So yes, I will say that Dr. Whitby had a great deal to do with showing us how to find our way together. As I reluctantly began to tell your Mum of my past and feelings she realized that she had not told me much at all of her life. We stayed in the boat and when the waves were high we stayed the course. You can see the result."
"Dad, that's what I mean. You and Mother are my rock and my example. Then there was the day I saw a surgeon break down and my decision was final."
Quickly back in my visit with Luk I told him about that event that pretty much sealed my decision to focus on mental health.
"Luk, let me tell you something that happened while I was on surgery rotation.
We were observing a fairly routine vascular procedure and they realized they were losing the patient, a young woman, perhaps in her 30's. Her heart stopped and they worked to resuscitate her but to no avail. I watched as the surgeon supported himself on the edge of the trolley, his head bowed. Suddenly he threw his hat on the floor along with his gloves and began swearing and yelling. He left the theatre, slamming the door as he left. Gradually people left. When I was alone with my head in my hands I remembered my dad's own experience that led to his giving up surgery. It was as if a decision had been made for me. What do religious people call it, a calling? I would become a psychiatrist because there are medical issues that a scalpel cannot solve."
There was a bit of silence and Luke told me, "James, you're going to have to let me catch my breath on that one."
"Then let me ask you a question. Why are you a priest? What drives you to do what you do?"
"Well James, I don't know if there is a short answer to that, but I will try. After all you have been quite eloquent with me. I was inspired to be a priest by a Father Andrew who worked at a youth center. What motivates me, that takes a little more thought and time. Let me say James that every week I stand before a group of people and say words based on an ancient text to help them fully live the life they have been given. I walk with them through the good, bad and even the ugly. In a word I try to encourage them to Do Truth."
"Don't you mean believe truth, Luk?"
"No, James, not at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Believing truth has to do with what people see as true, what version of truth they have heard. That is what has caused so much of the mess we find ourselves in. What I am talking about is seeing people as they are and treating them with acceptance and love. I think this is especially true in the family. Do Truth. I know your dad too well. I think you know exactly what I am talking about."
I realize in my mind that I want to marry a woman who has been deeply involved with church her whole life. I suppose this is why Dad has suggested that we take time to work through some of these issues. The times I visited the Jacobs I enjoyed being with them in church. I knew why my parents became more involved when they were together in Portwenn. That ebbed and flowed over the years but but we did have an ongoing connection at our parish. I certainly could navigate the BCP and do the service without opening it.
I know my dad had changed his attitude over time. He told me once that he did not disparage religion but could not tolerate shallow or dogmatic religion. I know Luk challenged his thinking a great deal and continues to do so in their interactions. Albert Schweitzer has influenced his thinking quite a lot.
When I was 12 or 13 we were on a walk above the town and I asked Dad what he believed about God. We were walking through a field of wild flowers and he asked me, "James, can you make a flower?"
I did reply, though the question seemed almost silly. "Well, no of course not."
"James all I can say to answer your question is that something much greater than us is at play here. Humans have been trying to define this with human language for thousands of years, very inadequately. To me faith is simply reaching out a hand in the dark. It makes more sense for me to focus on what I can understand and control and just let the mystery be."
The defining event that sticks in my mind is when Dad asked Joan and me to accompany him to the place where his Auntie Joan is buried. I knew Dad visited the cemetery at times. He told me once he didn't believe in all the hocus pocus of talking with the dead, but it was a quiet place to think and be by himself. We stopped at Auntie Joan's grave and placed some flowers on it. Then Dad asked us to follow him and we went to a remote corner of the churchyard that was always shaded. Here you really felt you were among the dead. We stopped at a grave and Dad asked Joan to read the inscription on the headstone. Covered with moss it was very hard to make out. Finally Joan said, "It says 'She went about doing good.' "
"What was her name?"
"It doesn't say."
"When did she live?"
"Well, a long time ago I think, but we can't know."
"Joan and James, I do not know what will happen when I die. I do know that while I am alive I can do no better than this woman did. At times I come here to remind myself of that."
I remember that we drove back to the house that afternoon without speaking. It was one of those times when words would have been a profane interruption to our thoughts.
Back in the present with Luk on the phone in Connecticut it was not at all difficult to know what he was saying. I had never heard it called Doing Truth, but I had experienced it many times.
"Luk, I do know exactly what you are talking about. I surely do."