coming to terms

The ice moon of Ordo-Plutonia was long behind them when the transport docked with the larger supply and launch vessel.

Rex chose his moment carefully to answer Afir's comm.

"Rex here," he grunted.

Her beloved, much-worn face filled his vision. He'd felt her - - felt the nudges in the force that told him she was with him. Still he hurt and hurt badly.

Afir didn't say anything at first. She simply took in the fact that he appeared whole and well. As well as could be imagined. She'd heard the numbers already but had chosen not to call him. He wouldn't have been able to take the call anyway, not on one of the larties with everyone around and aware. Not while he'd sat among his brothers, mourning their dead.

The woman before him simply tightened her lips and tried at a smile. While shaking her head.

"I felt you," he told her shortly. He wasn't sure how to handle this one. And knowing that she'd probably be able to sense his mingled emotions put his guard up.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. She'd already heard Obi-Wan's frustrations in his ongoing sitreps. She'd felt his anger and his fear and his sense of loss as the force rocked over the loss of innocents. These troopers and the natives to the moon upon which they'd landed had been his to save and he'd been powerless to do so. Afir imagined her lover would have taken it just as hard as her best friend.

"No, Afir," he sighed. "I want to forget it. I've just stepped off a transport and my bones are still frozen and what I really want to do is go soak in the refreshers for a good long while."

"Okay...that's fine, then, Rex. I'll-"

He wasn't finished. Even as he opened the vents to his emotions he knew he should rein himself back in.

"That's what I want to do. But before then I've got to see to the reconditioning of some of our artillery pieces, make certain the men are on an even keel, then go log the numbers of the ones we lost. For appropriations. So that somebody somewhere can decide that the appropriate number of lost men's worth of munitions and gear need not be ordered sometime down the line. I have real, tangible work to do. I'll deal with you later."

She nodded quickly and shut down the link before he could reel himself back in. She hadn't even said anything. No response, no farewell, no argument or agreement.

He felt like an ass.

Less than an hour later he commed her back. She was sitting in an open window on a beautiful planet with pale green grass and butterflies the size of her palms. A warm, wet breeze blew her hair and mingled with the remnants of the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

Those passing on the street below saw her and thought her beautiful. The man who called her now thought so as well.

The wavering blue image hid the signs of the weeping. As the holo she saw hid the paleness of his cheeks and the stiffness with which he held his shoulder.

"Anakin said that you took a hit," she told him without preamble.

"I'm fine."

"You've seen to your duties, then - - your men and your gear and your staffing roster? You've had your shower? Something to eat?"

He nodded. "I'll get some grub in a minute. I needed to apologize to you."

She shook her head. "It's fine, Rex. I called because I couldn't control the impulse. Because I hated the idea of you suffering alone and thought I could comfort you. I forgot that you've been comforting yourselves and each other for a lot longer. That you have your routines and your rituals. It's fine. It's not about me."

He actually reached out, then dropped his hand. He wanted to touch her. Her cheeks were like soft fire - - warm and vibrant and alive.

"I hurt you. I was on a timed fuse and you got caught in the blast."

"It's okay," she told him. "We all need time and space to recharge and I invaded yours. We'll learn to work it out."

"I wouldn't have hurt you for anything in the world, Afir Kuay Li-in. I am sorry for it."

She laughed and glanced away from the face she adored. Her eyes were sad above her smile when she looked back at him. "I was concerned for you because I knew how badly shaken the mission left Obi-Wan. He does not give in easily to his frustrations and yet the rawness of the anger and the fearfulness and the helplessness was there in him. When I reached out to you I felt nothing. I knew that you must live still, but there was a void. So I worried."

"And I slapped at you."

"It was fine. I should have realized that you're so much more prepared to deal with the battle itself than the jedi are. I should have realized that your moment would come when the adrenaline passed and the tasks were completed. I was selfish, too. I cost you a team too, once," her conscience still wrenched at the idea of his brethren buried beneath that cave-in, "and my heart aches for you to have lost another so needlessly."

He nodded. "I wish now that I had suggested that since the jedi and hence the galactic republic were not involved that perhaps using GAR resources for an 'internal' affair was inappropriate. But I was asked by your master to protect the planet's liege."

She nodded. "Obi-Wan expressed the same regret. Your lives are not meaningless to him," she reminded him.

He nodded. "If you were here-"

"If I'd been there you'd still have needed to see to your men and deal with the personal effects of the ones who fell and then performed your own cleansing."

Rex's head shook gently. "I like to think that you would have made a difference. My men regroup more readily when you're there to pet them and fret over them. They're going to be acting like those damn RCs and NULLs soon."

She smiled, glad their first tiff was over. Sad for him. For all the empty racks tonight.

"I love you," he whispered. "Right or wrong. I love you."

"I love you, too. And as it makes me stronger and the world clearer I choose to see it as right. Just not acceptable, somehow."

He nodded.

"Go eat. Something warm and gooey. Soup or noodles. Something to warm you from the inside."

"You do that, Afir. You warm me and make me alive when everything inside me wants to go droid...cold and dead and safe."

"Be careful. Do what you have to, but be careful about the doing."

His grin was genuine. "Of course, love. I'll see you soon."