Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders or the song Smells Like Teen Spirit.

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews!

Load up on guns and bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's over-bored and self-assured. Oh no, I know a dirty word. Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello

I returned home, finding Darry eating eggs in the kitchen. He had his work stuff on. He couldn't have gone to sleep. I felt bad for him being up all night, especially with what happened. He didn't exactly deserve any of that...really.

I gently closed the door behind me. He hollered out to me, "Where'd you go?"

"For a walk." I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk. "I just needed to get some fresh air. Sorry."

He shrugged and took another bite of eggs and turned the page in the newspaper. "It's fine. I figured you wouldn't sleep. You really should though, you know? You don't get much as it is."

I took my glass and sat down beside him. He was intently reading the paper. He was very calm, just breathing. "Did you sleep?"

"Nah," he said. "Wouldn't have made much of a difference. Would of had to get up in an hour anyway. You want some breakfast?" I nodded and got up and put some bread in the toaster and got the butter out of the fridge. "You, uh, hear from Soda any?"

I put the knife down and breathed out. Soda was probably at Jennie's. That's the first place he would have gone. I figured Darry knew that too. I wasn't too worried about where he ended up last night. I knew Soda. "No."

Darry finished off his eggs and put his plate in the sink. "I gotta go to work. Get some sleep while I'm gone."

"I'll do the dishes," I said, smearing butter over my toast.

He got a rag and started cleaning off the table. He rubbed his tired eyes. "You don't have to. I can get them when I get home or whatever you want to do. What are you gonna do today?"

I eyed him from the corner of my eye. "I dunno. I don't work the rest of the week. Might go run somewhere or do some shopping or clean or...I don't know."

He took a deep breath as he turned around to me. "Are you mad at me?" he asked out of the blue. I paused at the sudden urge to ask that. "I can't ever tell with you."

"No. No, I'm not mad at you," I whispered quietly. "It's just a lot to take in, Dar. I'm gonna...I'm gonna need some time to let this sink in. It's gonna take a while."

He rubbed my shoulder and nodded. "I know. I don't want you to be mad at me though. I can't take anyone else to be mad at me. I've already got two and tomorrow night probably three."

I'd forgotten Pony coming home tomorrow. I wondered if Soda had gotten to him yet or if he was going to come home and be completely blindsided like the rest of us. How would he even react? Jesus.

"I'm not," I said plainly. "Don't worry, Darry. I'm not going to leave you."

Jennie was sitting on the sofa, listening to Soda as he paced back and forth, blowing off more steam. I sat on the ground, playing with Suzie and her Barbies, slightly listening to him. It was all stuff I heard him say last night. Soda made his opinion known. He didn't sleep last night either and by the look on Jennie's face, she didn't get much sleep.

"Did he say anything to you after Soda left?" Jennie asked me. "Like...well anything?"

I shook my head and combed through one of the doll's blonde hair. "He didn't want me to be mad at him. He told me he was sorry I had to see Soda and him fight like that. He seemed sorta upset."

Soda paused for a minute and looked at me. "He did?"

"Yeah. I just think he's got a lot going on and...he didn't real mean that, Soda. He didn't mean to act like that." I didn't really even believe myself. Soda and I both knew Darry meant to hit him. Soda hit him first though. I didn't mention that.

"I'm sorry too...for you seeing that." He hung his head. "I-I don't know what came over me. He just makes me so damn mad!"

Suzie covered her mouth. "That's a bad word!"

Soda's had a lot of built up anger for a while. Death can do that to a person. Almost dying can do that to a person. A person who thought their complexion was broken as well as their spirit. "No...it's ok. You had a right to be angry I guess."

Soda rubbed his head while Jennie stroked the top of his head. "Darry will come around. I'm sure he's not mad at you. It's just a really emotional thing to go through. He's gotta be scared."

We never considered that. How Darry felt. Darry was the one that was going to die. We were really being the selfish one's here. "I really think he is."

Soda lifted his head up and let out a tiresome sigh. "I can't believe it..."

"None of us can," I said, hanging my head. "Darry...of all people."

Soda covered his face with his elbow and sighed. "God, he makes me so mad! I mean, what's the big deal? Does he really not think I can handle taking care of everything while he's doing this! You have a job you could get more hours on and Pony has been begging Darry to let him work. What's the big freakin' deal?"

"He just doesn't want help," I answered. "You know how Darry is. I'm sure he's thought about this Soda and maybe he knows something we don't. Maybe it is the right choice."

His eyes got big. "How can you say that? Aren't you mad?"

"Like you?" I asked, a little irritated by his tone. "Why should I be mad?"

Soda grew defensive fast. I couldn't tell if it was from lack of sleep or pure annoyance. "I just don't see how you could just stand there while he told us that. He's being an idiot!"

"You're mad because I didn't pitch a big fit like you and haul off and hit him like you did?"

He looked shocked. I turned away from him, hoping the conversation would end at that but it didn't. "Why aren't you mad? I didn't see you defending me any."

"Oh hell I did!" I turned around and shouted. "I told him to stop. What did you want me to do? No, I'm not mad like you are. I don't feel like being mad at him because he's dying and I can be mad until the day he dies or suck it up!"

"You're not helping the cause by sticking by him," he argued back. "He thinks just because you agree with him, we all will. Danni, we can get him to fight if you just tell him you're pissed he's not."

I shook my head. "I'm not pissed. You want my opinion? I think you're being a big baby Soda."

His mouth hung open and even Jennie stared at me a little longer. "I'm being a baby? You just stood there! Do you even care that Darry's dying, Danni? You sure as hell don't act like it."

Jennie sighed, turning to him. "Soda don't."

"Well goddamn Soda, just because I didn't scream and yell and whine because my brother told me he was dying like a little brat, doesn't mean I don't care! My God!"

Jennie pointed at Suzie. "Go to your room."

Suzie crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. "Why?"

"Because I said so!" Jennie argued back as Soda and I sat in silence. "Just go to your room."

Reluctantly, Suzie got up and slammed her bedroom door shut, leaving us sitting in an awkward silence.

"How could you say that?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at him. He refused to look in my direction like he was pouting because of something I'd done.

Soda rubbed his face. "I just don't get you."

"Why?" I asked, getting defensive again. "I'm upset Darry's dying. Don't try and say I'm not. Do you want me to cry? Because I will. Darry doesn't want to fight but-"

"You don't want him to!" Soda jumped to. "Just say it, Danni!"

I forcefully stood up, slamming the palms of my hands on the floor as I did. "I don't have to sit here and listen to this. I want Darry to live just as much as you do! You think hitting him and running off is going to make him come around?"

"He kicked me out!" Soda shouted back. "Just tell him you're mad!"

"I'm not!" I yelled, inching towards the door. "Don't you get it? Darry is going to die Soda! It's what he wants and sure, I fucking wish I could do something about it but just signing up for treatments doesn't mean he'll live forever!"

Jennie stood up this time, standing in-between Soda and me. "Alright that's enough! You're both being stupid idiots! You haven't slept. So stop saying all this shit you don't mean!"

"Pony's coming home tomorrow," Soda threw out there. "What do you think he'll say? You gonna be there for him?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel how fast my chest was moving. "He'll be fine. If not, I'm sure he'll run to you."

"Damn, why do you have to be like that?"

I shook my head, going for the door. "I'm not the one who started this fight but I'm ending it. Grow up Soda! You're not a kid anymore. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions and wake up! Be a fucking adult."

The sound of the door slammed echoed through my ears the whole walk home.

Most of us can't sleep when we are starting to fall in love. Same thing happens when that love breaks.

I had been trying to sleep. It was four in the morning. The voices in my head were loud tonight. Louder than they normally were. They had a lot to say. I turned to my side and faced the wall and breathed slowly. Maybe they'll leave. I knew better than to think that though. I closed my eyes and opened them and then did it again. Nothing. I could see his face now and no matter how many times I shut my eyes and opened them, it was still there. Now I knew I won't be able to sleep. A typical night. Self-medicate? No, I'm not going there.

I could see Darry in a bed, in the hospital, the sheet over his face and I shivered and clinched my sheets. I guess this is why most people are insomniacs. The voices won't go away. The memories keep coming back and the darkness always haunts us with the people we think about the most. You replay events over and over again, every word said, every blink, only blaming yourself in the end as always.

I got up and turned the lights on so the darkness would go away and so would the people standing around my bed. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried. Just a little, just to make it easier to breathe and so maybe, I could clear my thoughts. That's never going to happen though, crying never helps.

I walked down the hall and into the kitchen. I saw from the corner of my eye that Darry's light was still on. He says I need to sleep? Darry's walking the same line as I am.

I poured two glasses of milk and carried them and slowly opened his door. He was on his bed, reading one of Pony's books. He didn't seem too surprised to see me. Not surprised at all. Had he heard me crying?

I sat down on the end of his bed and handed him one of the glasses. "Can't sleep either?"

He sat up and took a sip. He shook his head. "You know, it's the worst feeling in the world. Being so damn tired and all you want to do is sleep but you just can't bring yourself to do it."

Oh how I knew. It was horrific. You don't know true pain until you can't sleep. You just lie there, trying to fall but you can't force your body to no matter how hard you try. Three days now. I think I got one hour. Maybe. I can never tell anymore. You know, you can survive longer without food than you can sleep?

Darry sipped on the end of the cup. "You've been up for almost 48 hours."

"So have you," I stated, taking a sip of my drink.

Darry rubbed his face. "Do you have any more of your pills left? You don't take them, do you?"

I shook my head. I told Darry when I got them I wouldn't. I didn't need pills to make me do something or make me feel better. That's what weak people do. They're weak. "You can have one."

He lay down on the bed, his head banging against his pillow. "Nah. I got to go to work in a few hours. You really need to sleep some, Dan. You're going to drive yourself crazy. Just take a pill. They won't hurt you. I promise."

I crawled across the bed and lay beside him. I stared up at the ceiling. "How are you gonna tell Pone?"

"Dunno," he said plainly. "I was still thinking of a way to tell ya'll when you busted through the door."

I wish we hadn't. I wish we hadn't forced Darry to tell us something so dramatic. Something he should have told us sitting down in a calm environment. That's what he wanted and we couldn't give him that. We were so selfish.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "For making you tell us. We shouldn't have done that."

He shook his head and deeply sighed. "You didn't know it was going to be like that. I should have told you guys when Kathy left. That was the plan. That's what she wanted but I just pushed her away...just like Sodapop."

I inched closer towards him, laying my head in his shoulder. I shut my eye and shuttered. "How long?"

"Three months," he said sadly. "Maybe longer depending."

I kept my eyes shut, trying not to cry. I'd run out of tears to shed. "Are you scared?"

He put his arm around my shoulder and sighed loudly. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I answered honestly. I nestled my head deeper into him. "I don't want you to die."

He gripped my shoulder, squeezing my body. He sighed. "I don't want to either. Believe me. I don't want to."

Darry wasn't home when I left at eight. I tried calling him at work but there was no answer. I left a note saying I'd be here and would be home later. I just needed to get my mind off of things for a while so somehow, I heard about this and right now, I'm standing here, debating whether it's the right choice to go in or not.

I took a deep breath and climbed up the steps and went inside.

The smoke burned my eyes as I closed the door behind me. I covered my mouth as I coughed and walked through the foggy cloud that was climbing over my head.

I quickly noticed there weren't many people here as opposed to Buck's on a Friday night. There were more hippies here than at Bucks and less high class. None the less, I still walked through the house, avoiding everyone until I got to the kitchen where the food and drinks were.

There was a group of people crowded around the sink snorting. I casually slipping in and grabbed a soda and walked back out. They didn't even turn around or care that they were in front of everyone.

"Well if it ain't the littlest Curtis." Tim's hip bone bumped into mine and the liquid in his drink splashed. "Long time."

I stared into my soda and followed him into the living room. He told me it was less crowded in the family room so that's where he took me. Tiffany and another girl were in there along with two guys. Tim introduced me and took out two fags. One for him and one for Tiffany.

I took a seat on the stool away from everyone. "It's surprising to see you here," Tiffany said, blowing out smoke from the corner of her mouth. "I don't think I've seen you at a party in a while."

I sipped on my drink, eyeing her cigarette. I'd forgotten how long it'd been since I had one. "Yeah. I just needed to get out for a while. Figured this place would be perfect."

"Ain't as good as Buck's parties," Tim pointed out. "Some kids are upstairs with pot."

Tiffany crossed her legs, inching closer to Tim. "How are you Danni? Haven't spoken to you in a long time."

"Alright," I answered quietly. "I've had better days."

Tiffany chugged down the colorful drink she had in her hand. She wiped her mouth off with her hand. "You're not going to drink?"

Tim casually took a sip from his bottle of Whiskey. "Danni don't drink."

One of the girls snickered as she cuddled up closer to the free boy to her right. She was smoking something that I knew didn't smell like a cigarette. She reeked of desperate and ignorance.

Tiffany curled up to where she was sitting in Tim's lap, his arm wrapped around her waist. Tiffany and Tim were 'the' officially couple now in town. The one everyone took notice to and gossiped about and stared at when they walked by. She'd changed Tim, that's for sure, but it was for the better. Since Tim started up with her, he participated in less fights, stole less, and hadn't been in cop trouble. She was showing off her work with him tonight and letting everyone know who was on top now.

"Went to see Dallas yesterday," Tim said as he lifted the bottle up and took another swig. "Fucker got his nose smashed. Was sent for another day alone where they keep the crazies."

My drink was empty now. I found my mouth watering for something other than soda and a smoke. "Oh?"

Tim slowly traced Tiffany's bare back with his fingers. "Yeah. Should be out soon, a few days, or so he says."

"Good for him," I said bitterly, flipping the cap of my can.

Tim noted the sourness of my tone and stared at me. He casually chuckled. "Lighten up. Guy ain't all that bad, Curtis."

"Danni," I corrected with a slight snap. "And I didn't say he was a bad guy."

Tiffany stopped sucking on Tim's neck and was looking at me now too. Tim looked away and slopped his drink around. "You implied it...Danielle."

"Has he talked to you?"

"About you?" He raised both of his brows this time. "What's it to ya? You don't seem to give two shits. Probably haven't even gone to see the bastard."

I scowled at his sorry expression. "Have. For weeks. Wrote too. A bunch. Did he? No."

"Guy's a moron," he said. "You already knew that when you hooked up with him. Give the son-of-a-bitch a break." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking it up to his lips and taking a long drag of it.

I stared and watched the smoke go up into the air, matching whatever was coming from the other girl's. I sat my empty soda down on the dresser and stood up. "He dumped me. You should ask him why or better yet, ask Dally what really happened to Sam. Be sure to tell him I sent you."

I walked out the door, heading straight towards the action.

I sat on the sofa, a slobbering idiot beside me. I finally got my cigarette. He gave it to me. I was sitting beside him smoking it. He couldn't even count to ten the guy was so out of it. I didn't bother to ask what he was on. I didn't care.

His hand was on my thigh and my eyes were blasting it with lasers. I think he thought he was flirting by telling me I was pretty and then spilling half of his bottle of Vodka all over himself. He was sweating like a pig already.

"S'the bedrooms are s'upstairs," he pointed out, drool running down the corner of his mouth. "Wanna go?"

I gently pushed his hand off of me. It was unpleasantly warm and sticky. "Actually, no. I'm...on my period."

He thought about that one for a minute. He looked me over as if everyone who was on their period had a label or a big red dot on their forehead. "Uh, it's ok. I'm flexible."

"No," I told him. "No it isn't about that. You can't have sex when a girl's on their period. Ok?"

He took another minute to think about that. Then he staggered out, "Yeah, yeah you can!"

I shook my head, slipping his bottle away from him. I took a sip of it and shook my head again as the bitter taste ran over my tongue. "Nope. I don't think so. It's in sex-ed. I could, you know, die if you're too hard."

His face was enough to make me giggle. Sure, I was being mean by telling his poor, lonely guy that I was on my period when I really wasn't and that if he touched me the wrong way, I could die. Everyone's mean though. The world is so why not jump on board and join the party?

"S'why you laughin'?" He backed away a little. "I-I don't want s'you to die!"

I took another sip and shook my head, waving my hands. "No. No I'm not really on my period. Don't worry. I'm not gonna die either. I was just shitting with you."

He looked confused, not knowing whether it was day or night. "Why did s'you say that?"

I handed him back his bottle and patted him on the back. "Because I'm not having sex with you. Sorry, bud."

He blankly stared at me as I got up and went into the kitchen. I should feel bad. I didn't even catch his name. Shoot.

I walked up the stairs, smelling a strong sent of smoke I'd only smelled a couple of times in parking lots and occasionally upstairs at Buck's. It was a strong smell of smoke, almost herb like. Everyone knew what it was and so did I.

I could see the smoke coming from the bed rooms. Apparently, people get high rather than have sex at this party. The smell got stronger the closer I got. I made a face and went into the bathroom.

She was bent over the toilet, her make-up and face distressed. She wiped the side of her mouth and got up off the floor and flushed the toilet. She didn't take her eyes off me nor did I her.

She rose up and the ends of her lips curled at the sight of me, revealing her sharp teeth. "Well, well, well, little Ms. Danielle Curtis. It's been a long time."

I grinned. "It has...Sylvia."

With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. A mulatto, an albino. A mosquito, my libido. Yeah, hey, yay.