CHAPTER THIRTY TWO REMEMBRANCE

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CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

It was a Saturday night in October. I remember because we had been preparing for the Autumn Fayre at school and I was exhausted. I decided I would have a good soak. James said he was going to get online with his friend Emily and Joan was in her room, reading I think. Martin was in the sitting area of our bedroom reading. I could luxuriate in my bath with no interruptions.

The adage "The shoemaker's children never have shoes." did not apply in our family. Martin was more than attentive to our medical needs. We all had the proper check-ups, vaccinations and tests at the appropriate intervals. I had an annual mammogram and, while there was not the emphasis on self-examination as in the past, Martin still insisted that I check my breasts from time to time. He always said, "When you know what normal feels like you will note more readily when something is wrong."

On that evening in the bath it was easy for me to quickly check my breasts. I hadn't done so in awhile so decided to do it. Nothing else to do. Just lying relaxed with my head on a foam pillow. I quickly perked up when my fingers detected a small lump in my right breast.

I wasn't the first time I had felt something like this. When I was much younger I had what the doctor called fibroadenomas, but I had not felt something like this in years. This was about the size of a pea and did not hurt. The lumps I had before were painful and benign. Most just went away but I had to have two removed surgically. This was something that was not normal. I would like to have prevented it, but a worrisome thought entered my mind. So much for relaxing.

I dried off and put on my dressing gown. I joined Martin in the bedroom and interrupted his reading. "Martin, I need you to check something. I found a small lump in my breast."

I would like to have prevented the worry from entering Martin's mind, but when it came to the health of his family I knew that to be impossible. "Louisa, are you certain? Sit with me on the sofa and show me."

Martin felt the area I showed him and proceeded to examine both breasts thoroughly, while seated and then on the bed while lying down. He told me, "Louisa, I only note the one place you mentioned. It is likely a cyst or fibroid. I will change my schedule for Tuesday morning and we will go to hospital for an ultrasound. Probably nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about," he said. I knew my husband and I know from his words and countenance that he was no happier than I that this had turned up.

So Monday evening we had told the children we had to make a quick trip to Truro the next day and would return mid afternoon. It was Joan who asked what they both were thinking.

"But why are you going in the middle of the week. Won't you be at school tomorrow? And Dad, what about your surgery schedule?"

Martin responded as vaguely as he could. "I have to consult with my colleague Seymour Boynton and your Mother has a routine test. We thought to simply get both things out of the way."

James and Joan conversed more than most siblings, I think. I regretted Martin mentioning Mr. Boynton's name. I could imagine James checking his computer for information. In the muted conversation behind James's closed door I know they were telling each other that this was not routine. The complete silence about the subject over breakfast confirmed this.

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I was lying on a table with my hands stretched above my head. The technician applied a warm gel to my breast and began moving over it with what she called a transducer. Mr. Boynton had invited Martin to be present and they were viewing a screen and conversing.

"Ah, there is the mass your wife discovered. It appears to be solid and no water present. Helen, please slowly go over the breast once again...There, toward the lower left quadrant there appears to be a micro calcification. Can you see it, Martin. Definitely suspicious."

I had enough of being talked about instead of being talked to. "Alright, you are discussing me. Perhaps you could communicate with me. What is going on? And what is definitely suspicious?" I had not had a peaceful moment since Saturday night and, lying here, my anxiety was climbing up the scale rapidly. "Come on! Out with it. What do you see?"

As Helen, the tech was wiping away the gel and covering me, Mr. Boynton turned from the screen and wheeled his chair where he could talk to me. "Mrs. Ellingham the hard place you discovered needs to be biopsied. There is another area that I called "suspicious" and I think it should be examined."

"Martin!"

Martin stood beside me and took my hand. He turned to Mr. Boynton. "Seymour, how soon can this be done? We would like to know what we are dealing with."

"It may be possible to do it by late this afternoon. We will have to do some rearranging. Since I will have to do a stereotactic biopsy of the calcification I will use the same

computation to locate the nodule and do a core biopsy of it."

It was 6:30 before we left the hospital. We drove back to Portwenn lost in our own thoughts. I suppose we should have talked but I think we were both afraid and did not know what to say. The consultant had told me that the lump I had felt was probably cancerous and we would know about the other area within two days. We were half the distance home when Martin, out of the blue, asked me, "Louisa, did your mother have breast cancer?"

"No, Martin. At least I don't think so. But, how would I know, huh? I mean, the woman comes once a year to see her grandchildren. I couldn't believe she invited them to spend a week with her in Spain last summer. On second thought, I have no idea whether she has had cancer."

"Louisa, it is important that we know. You need to talk with her and find out."

"But why, Martin. What does her having had cancer have to do with me? Either I have it or I don't and if I do we'll just have to deal with it. It doesn't concern my mother."

"Just find out, Louisa. Call her and find out. When all the tests are in it will become evident why this is important, but Mr. Boynton asked me and said it was vital to know."

"But why Martin? Explain yourself." I could tell he was being intentionally vague.

Suddenly Martin was braking and pulling over to the shoulder. "Louisa, a tractor has overturned. This is Jim Davies's farm."

I looked and some 50 meters in the field to our right was a red tractor on its side, the wheel still turning. Martin was already out of the car with his medical bag in hand running. Knowing he might need my assistance I grabbed my phone and started walking quickly toward the accident.

As I drew close Martin commanded loudly, "Louisa, call an ambulance! Tell them there is an accident victim with numerous injuries." At that point Martin was trying to talk to the man I saw lying on the ground covered in mud and blood.

I was trying to speak with the ambulance service when Martin interrupted. "Louisa, there is a child. Look for a child!"

I had to shut him out for a moment. Once the ambulance was secured I asked him what he had said. "Louisa, there is a child somewhere. Mr. Davies said his son was with him on the tractor. I can't leave Jim. You must find the boy!"

After what was probably only a few minutes, that seemed an eternity, I saw a red-shirted child that looked like a rag doll simply dropped in place. He was in a small depression and I knelt beside him and could hear him faintly whimpering. It was Sam Davies. Sam was in year 3 at Portwenn Primary. "Martin, I found him. He is alive but in quite bad shape."

"If he's bleeding, apply pressure. Don't move him but try to keep him warm. I'm sure he is in severe shock. We have to wait for help. I cannot leave Mr. Davies or he will bleed out."

I had a light jacket but it wouldn't cover the boy. I decided to lie close to him and let my body heat keep him warm. The ambulance finally arrived and both the man and the boy were attended to and placed in the vehicle. Martin felt he had to accompany them.

"Sorry Louisa, but Jim's survival is at stake here. I can't be sure about the boy. You need to inform Mrs. Davies."

As I drove to the Davies's farm I knew I could not allow Rose to drive herself to Truro, and of course I did not. It was after ten o'clock when Martin and I left the hospital. At that point both Mr. Davies and Sam were stable and Rose was with Sam. Martin had pinched a couple of scrubs we could change into. We finally settled into a room at the County Arms Hotel. There was just no way we could drive back to Portwenn. We were totally spent both physically and emotionally. Before leaving for hospital with Rose I had called the children and informed them of what we were doing. Finally at the hotel, we called them again and let them know they would need to fend for themselves and we would be home in the morning.`

After a hot shower, which was cleansing in so many ways, we put on the towelling robes provided by the hotel. We sat down on the sofa and Martin embraced me. To me it was the permission I needed to simply let go. The adrenalin was gone and all the emotions of the day spilled over. I cried into his chest. Correction. I bawled and bawled. When I thought there were no more tears I simply stayed there shaking and trying to catch my breath.

"Martin, I am afraid. I am so afraid. Please be strong for me."

"Louisa, I don't want to make a promise I cannot keep. We dealt with a crisis tonight. We will face this other thing in the same way. Together. That I can promise you. Please let me take you to bed. We need to sleep."

We removed the robes and crawled under the soft duvet. I put my legs over my husband's legs and my head on his chest.

"Oh Martin, I love you so much."

"Louisa, you are my life."