Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders or the song "Indifferent to Suffering".

A/N: I know these past few chapters have been nothing but fillers but I hope these next few are better and more action filled for a change.

Unrelenting addiction. The struggle continues. The urge to satisfy isn't the question. Just don't want to be around to face the consequences. Fake smiles surround. To ensure the desire. As perverse as it seems, it stays. Who leads their waste of time?

"Is she really sleepin'?"

"Yes?"

"She looks funny."

A pot bangs against the stove and the smell of cinnamon and bacon overwhelm my nose and the weight of the child on my legs is starting to hurt. I shift over to my side and rub my face. "What-"

"Mornin', Danni!" Susie's big green eyes glare down at me with a smile only she can pass. Her two front teeth are missing and they aren't straight by any means. This is Susie in all her beauty, messy hair and all.

"Hi, Suse."

She sits back on my legs, still cheerful and happy. "Jennie is makin' French Toast and bacon and juice. You want some? It's really, really good! I promise. She's a really good cook!"

The light is hurting my eyes. Jennie needs some blinds. After weeks of hunting for a Christmas present, I finally find a useful one. "I'm sure she is. It smells good."

She squeals and jumps down to get a plate. "I'll pour the juice for you!"

I wallow in the blanket until my feet touch the floor. Jennie shoots me a stare, and goes back to cooking the bacon without a word. I can feel her anger just by the expression on her face. I rub my tired, sore face.

"Here!" Susie comes running over, juice spilling from the top of the cup. "It's orange. You like orange?"

I take it from her and sip on the edge. "Yeah, orange is good."

I take the plate and pick around at the food. Jennie sets a place for Susie at the table and rushes for her to hurry because Mrs. Cook is going to take her to the park today. Susie wolfs down her food and throws her plate into the sink.

Someone knocks at the door as I pick up my fork and start to take some food in.

"I got it."

Susie jumps up from the table and runs into the person's arms as they spin her around. "Sodapop!"

"Susie Moo!" He drops her and ruffles up her hair a little. "See you're bright-eyed and bushy tailed this morning, as always."

She giggles and takes his hand, leading him into the room. "I got a new baby doll yesterday."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh! She has a pink dress and everything! Will you play house with me? I'll let you be the daddy this time."

Jennie eases the door shut, still clearly tired. She eyes me, as if it's a warning to collect myself and to do it quickly. It's also a sympathetic look. She feels almost sorry for me. I look back down at my food.

I pick at my food some more as Susie leads Soda around the sofa, his eyes catching mine instantly. "Danni? What are you doin' here? I thought you were-"

Susie falls to the floor and picks up a few toys. "We had a sleep-over!"

I tiredly blink a few times and try not to look him right in the eyes. "How's Dar?"

He slouches and shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs loudly. "Ok. Same as before. The meds seem to be doing him some good though. He's slowly getting better I suppose."

The normal response.

"Why you here? I didn't hear from you last night. I was kinda worried where you ended up."

Jennie casually walks by and puts an arm on his shoulder, easing him out of the conversation. A sign that she is going to take care of it. "I invited her. Figured she needed company."

Soda accepts that answer and goes into the kitchen to fix himself a plate. He seems like he has his mind on something. He doesn't press the matter of me not calling, which was the rule, and not being around all day yesterday.

"Thanks," I whisper to Jennie as she passed me.

"I want to talk to you." She took my hand and yanked me up from the couch. "Soda, can you watch Susie for a minute?"

Soda nods, again not asking any question. His face is almost solemn. I wonder if Jennie notices this too or if she knows why Soda looks that way. Did they talk before he came over? Did she tell him something?

Jennie takes me into her bedroom and closes the door behind us. She crosses her arms and stands over me while I take a seat on the end of her bed. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing," I say quietly. "It's not the first time. I don't see what the big deal is. Soda's done it before, you said you have, I'm sure Darry has at some point too. Are you gonna rat me out?"

"It's not something you need to get into," she says. "I'm not telling on you but that's not what I'm talking about."

I look around her bedroom, not really interesting in talking or making eye-contact. I feel like I'm being lectured and I'm not in the mood to hear any of it. "Then what are you talking about?"

"I'm worried about you." She sits next to me on the bed, trying to get me to focus on her and not the confides of her room. "Sylvia? Since when were you two friends? Since when do you party? Since when do you smoke dope?"

"I've partied before," I tell her with a slight snap of the tongue. "You don't know what I did before you came along. Can I not try new things without people throwing a fit?"

"I'm not throwing a fit if that's what you're implying." She's the one who's snapping now. "I'm only saying that the timing is-"

I turn my head, already knowing where she's going. "I'm really tired of people bringing that up. It's been three months. Did you know that? I'm sick of people bringing him up all the time. I'm my own person and I make my own decisions. He has nothing to do with what I did last night or what I do with the rest of my nights. He's not the cause of anything anymore."

She sighs deeply. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"If that's what you say."

"You don't believe me?"

"I didn't say that."

I stand up. I cross my arms over my chest and stand there, my back to her. "I'm fine, Jennie. Sure, there's things I wish I knew, but I've accepted the fact that I'll never figure them out. Some days I think about him. Some days I think of why and how and what our lives would have been like but I've grown to see that there's no going back. We can't go back to what we were. It's over now. Dally's probably long gone by now. Texas probably. I don't care."

"I think you do." She stops me just as I reach for the door. "I think you miss him."

I sigh. I stay with my back to her and whisper, "I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was."

It's almost Friday. Sylvia's called five times and I haven't answered. I'm not up with going out with her and Jennie's promised to personally kick my ass if she finds out I've been smoking pot with her again. So here's another weekend of staying in.

I tuck the sheet into the bed. Darry's in the bathroom throwing up again. Soda's in there with him now while I make up his bed for him. I can hear Darry shouting and cussing and Soda trying to calm him down. It doesn't do much good.

"The day I eat something and it actually stays inside of me is the day hell freezes over." He slams into the bed and throws the pillow over his face. "Can you get me some water, Soda?"

Darry hasn't been the easiest person to deal with since this all started. Since he lost his job the other night, he especially hasn't. Kathy and Soda are rarely around anymore. They've both taken extra shits and Pony's working now. My hours are at an all-time low and I'm on the verge of being with Darry at the unemployment office.

"How's school?"

"Good."

"Grades good?"

"Yeah."

He removes the pillow to look at me. "Just because I'm sick doesn't mean you can slack off and try and get away with stuff," he warns sternly with a small smile. "I'm not too sick to tan your hide if I got to. Remember that."

I nod. If he only knew stuff was already getting by him. "I'm not in any mood to sneak around. Studying is all I have to do these days anyway so there's nothing to worry about there."

"No boys?"

I shake my head.

His smile widens. "That's the way I like it."

I laugh and Soda returns with a glass of water and hands it to Darry. He helps him raise up to drink it. "I'm gonna go get in a nap before dinner. You gonna be alright?"

"I'll watch him," I say, noticing how he barely stands.

Darry rolls over and waves Soda and me out of the room. "Yeah, yeah. Sleep. I'm going too. I've got a killer headache along with everythin' else."

Once we get out of the room Soda pulls me into the kitchen with him. "You need to talk to Pony. I would but I got to get some sleep before I fall over and I think you probably have more to say to him than I do."

"About what?"

Pony's the one who has stayed in the shadows through this whole experience. He's gone to school, done his homework, worked, ate his dinner, hasn't talked back, and went to bed on time. It's hard to notice when he's even around.

Soda rubs his face and heads into his room, taking me with him. "You gotta promise not to yell at him in the house. I really need some sleep and I can't do it if I got to referee a fight."

"Ok. What is it?"

He sighs. He sits on his bed and tries to keep his head up. "He kissed Sarah."

"She's a virgin," I stress the word. "She's dating your best friend. What do you think you're doing?"

"She kissed me too," he says sternly, getting in my face. "Nothing happened! This isn't your business so leave me alone!"

The door is slammed in my face and I'm left standing in the hall hearing Soda snore and Darry cough from downstairs. Pony is in his room, throwing things and punching the walls in a fit of anger.

This is life in the Curtis house these days.

"I'm sorry." I peel the door back. He's lying on his bed with his arm covering his face. His chest is heaving up and down as he's trying to catch his breath. "I didn't mean to jump at you like that. I overreacted."

"You didn't," he mumbles from underneath his arm. "It's really not what you think though. There's nothing going on between us so you can stop worrying."

I sit on the end of his bed. It's quiet again and Soda's snoring from next door fills the room. "What happened?"

"It happened really fast. I'm not interested in her, Dan. There's another girl."

I wish I could believe him. I do. I want to. I stare at the floor and try to think of good explanations of why this happened. "Who is she?"

"Who?"

"The girl."

He sighs as he uncovers his face and looks at me. "Her name's Carmen."

I nod. I should be happy that he's going after someone other than Sarah and that he's off of Cherry but there's something holding me back from being happy for him.

"Is she nice?"

"Yeah. She's real good lookin'."

"That's nice."

Pony hasn't talked very much ever since Darry went into the hospital, not that we've had much time together to talk. The signs with Sarah were clear. I just hate it happened. I should call Sarah. I should talk to her. I should talk to Pony.

"Don't be mad at Sarah," he says after a while. "It was my fault."

I look over my shoulder and stare at him. "What happened?"

"We were talking about Darry about a week ago." He takes a deep breath. He always does when he says Darry's name. "She was helping me out and...and I don't know. I miss read the signs. I kissed her and she pushed me off and ran."

I bite my lip. About a week ago? I really should be talking to Sarah more. How did I miss this? "What about Johnny?"

He shrugs nonchalantly. "I haven't talked to him. I don't know if she told him. I hope she didn't. Do you think I should tell him about it? I don't want him to be mad at her...or me."

Johnny and Sarah have been together for five months now. Johnny lives with Sarah. He has since January and he's mother went on a rant and set their house on fire. Pony and Johnny have been best friends since first grade. It's tough to tell if a girl can break up such a strong friendship like that but I know the answer and so does Pony.

"I've always liked her," he goes on to say. "Ever since you brought her over. I know I shouldn't have because I was with Cherry then, but she was really nice to me after it happened. We were friends. Even more than you and her sometimes. Not anymore I don't guess."

I always knew Pony was hard for Sarah but I never expected him to act on it this way, especially when his best friend was still dating her. It was no secret though. Sarah was sweet for Pony as well. I don't mention that.

"I'm sorry it happened," I tell him quietly. "I'm sure if you talk to her and explain your side-"

"She kissed me back, Dan." He practically whispers it and looks down. "I-" he shakes his head. "It's gonna kill him. I-I didn't mean to do that. He's gonna hate me."

"I'll talk to her. It's ok. It was misunderstanding. We'll make it a misunderstanding. Right?"

He takes a minute before he agrees. He's almost white and his face is damp from the sweat he worked up from wrecking his room. He hasn't had it easy since Cherry moved on and started date Kenny Woods - the captain of the football team. He thinks that since she's moved on, he should too and that meant finding a girlfriend.

I pick at my nails. "How are you?" I change the subject. "Other than this. I haven't talked to you much since..."

"I'm fine. It's just a lot to take in. Our lives are gonna be hell for the next few weeks. You know that, right? I hear Soda and Darry talking at night. The surgery's a really big deal and Darry's gonna be sick from the meds until then."

I blow out a breath of air. I'd heard them talking too. "I know."

"How are you doing? I heard Dally's out now."

He almost hesitates to say it which makes me shake my head. "I'm fine. I haven't seen him," I lie. "He's probably jumped states by now. Who knows."

"You don't think he'd stay here with his friends? Why would he move?"

"It's just a hunch."

He shrugs and gets up off the bed. "You know him better than I do. You wanna go get some dinner? I'm paying. I thought we could surprise Soda so he wouldn't have to cook."

Any chance to go out, I was taking it.

The late bell is about to ring. Our Math class room starts to fill up. It's the first day I've been to school the full day. I normally sneak out during lunch and go get ice cream and walk around until three and then go home. It's not hard to sneak around with Darry being bed ridden and his spies busy with their own lives now too. It's not like a year ago.

"Hey Danni." Marilyn comes into the room, her newly short blonde hair hands to her jaw line. She cut it all off before Christmas break ended.

"Hey Marilyn."

She takes her seat next to me. "I got a letter from Randy the other day."

Randy held up his promise and moved schools. Mrs. Adderson reads me all the letters during work when I'm on break. It really helped him a lot. It was an all boy boarding school and he seems happier than I've seen him in a long time. He wrote me a letter about a month ago, just to talk. He says it's taken his mind off things and it's helped him deal with Sam's death and the things Sam and Michael both made him do.

Ever since Michael died, Marilyn's been on her own. It's as if she's dealing with being her own person for once in her life instead of a twin. She's cut ties with all of her old friends and quit cheering. She's single for the first time since third grade and she's getting into her grades for one.

Her parents announced their divorce a few weeks after Christmas. It was the biggest gossip around town besides mine. Her mother moved to Vermont to get a new job and she stayed here with her father. A few weeks after her mother moved out her father went on a drunken rant that sent Marilyn in the hospital.

You can still see the faint scar on her chin where he forced her face into the glass coffee table.

It's something Marilyn's never had to deal with - dysfunction.

I catch her tearing up in class sometimes but it's about all you can catch her doing. She's put herself on lock down. She says she's trying to get into college and start her life all over in a different place where she doesn't have a school and town full of people constantly judging every move she makes.

I can relate to her more than I ever thought I would.

"I'm glad he's doing good."

"Me too," she says with a happy smile - one that she hasn't shown in a while. Then, as soon as it came, it's gone. "At least someone is out of all of us that's left."

I turn around in my seat and doodle on my paper. It's hard to talk to Marilyn. She doesn't talk during school but some days you can find her wanting conversation. Today was one of those days. Today was the day the nominees for prom queen were announced during first period and she wasn't on the list.

Prom Queen - Marilyn's dream since she was eight.

It's Friday and everyone's got their heads together talking about plans and the big party tonight that's supposed to happen at the lot. They talk about the lies they're going to tell to their parents and what drinks are being brought. Marilyn watches them from the corner of her eye, just like I do.

"I see you finally made it to class for once." I look up from my drawings, finding a pair of green sparkly eyes smiling down at me. He looks at my drawings and laughs. "I like the one with the rabbit."

"T-Thanks," I stammer, quickly closing my notebook. "They're...they're just doodles."

He nods before he takes a seat in the desk beside me. He scoots it over so it's just the two of us talking and no one can hear us. "I figured you were avoiding me."

"Why?"

"Because of the kiss..."

I can feel Marilyn's eyes going to us. She may have changed her outlook on life but she's still one for good gossip. "I...there's just been a lot going on. I haven't been avoiding you."

I haven't even thought about the kiss and I feel terrible for admitting that, even in my head. There's disappointment all over Peter's face. I try and count the days since we've talk and it's been a week.

"You doing something this weekend?" I ask quickly before Mr. Parsons has a chance to enter the room. "I-I was thinking we could go catch a movie or something. I mean, only if you want to though."

His face lights up and he smiles again. I've never seen anyone smile that big before. It looks on him. It feels good to know I'm the one who put that big of a smile on someone's face.

"Yeah. Yeah, Danni. That'd be great. What time should I pick you up?"

"Seven."

The bell rings and Mr. Parsons slams the door shut. Peter gets up and fixes the desk back. "I'll see you tonight then."

Mr. Parsons doesn't miss a beat as he starts writing the answers to last night's homework on the board. I slowly rotate around in my desk so I'm facing forward and I start to write them down on the blank sheet of paper that I was supposed to do them on.

When I look up from my paper I see Marilyn's eyes still on me, watching every move I make. I make eye-contact with her. She gives me a small, sympathetic smile and goes back to her work.

Sympathy - I hate it.

Ever wondered what it's like, to have dreams last forever? Never to wake again, from the everlasting of them. Life feeds off life. Indifferent to suffering. Liars grow stronger. The taste is similar. To the sweetest kiss ever encountered. A painful bliss on my head.