CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE REMEMBRANCE
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It is the day of Louisa's surgery and Natalie Jacobs, her very good friend from America, has come to be with her and Martin.
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
Louisa had called me as soon as she had found the lump in her breast. When it was determined surgery would be necessary, I decided that I would travel to be with her. She insisted, of course, that it wasn't necessary, but of course it was necessary. I do not have a sister, but no sisters could love each other more than the care Louisa and I feel for each other. It seems so long ago now since we moved to Portwenn so my husband Luk could be the priest of the local Anglican parish. It turned out that the local chemist wanted to sell her shop and we decided to purchase it and I would become the pharmacist. I had to jump through some hoops to be licensed in the UK, but it all worked out quite nicely. I met Louisa and baby James early on. We had an infant daughter, Emily, and Louisa and I became close quickly.
The surprising thing is that my husband Luk and Martin also became friends. Yes friends. Now it was not amazing for my husband who never met a stranger, but Martin Ellingham almost prided himself in the fact that he had no friends. He might have said he didn't need them. Somehow Martin and Luk found common ground and common interests. The family even attended church from time to time. They had philosophical and theological discussions, sometimes after reading some book. Martin said he needed to listen to Luk's sermons to keep him honest and critique him if he spouted any esoteric gibberish.
Eventually we moved back to the States, but our bond of friendship had not weakened. Louisa and I were pregnant for our second babies at the same time. We visit by phone frequently and Martin and Luk still carry on correspondence, quite often after reading a book or article that Luk has suggested. And these days our daughter Emily and James have been talking on the phone and computer. When we lived in Portwenn we used to joke that it would be wonderful for James and Emily to join our families by marrying each other. What are the chances of that, right? They are making plans for Emily to visit for a month in the summer, but with these medical issues that may not happen.
We were in a small waiting room at hospital. Knowing Louisa's surgery would take several hours Martin had sent Ruth and the children off to get something to eat. He spoke to me.
"Natalie, thank you for coming. Wouldn't you like to have some food? We will be here quite some time. I really do not have an appetite myself."
"Nor do I Martin. How was Louisa when you left her?"
I had stayed with the children while Martin was with Louisa until the anesthetist started his work.
"We had a short time of privacy," Martin told me. "She was the brave one. I'm afraid I was the one who was emotional. Oh Natalie, why must it always be Louisa on the table? I would gladly take her place."
"I can assure you Martin, for the next few hours Louisa will not be conscious of what is happening. You, on the other hand, will be experiencing extreme anxiety. Of course, I will too.
The depth of your feelings speak of the depth of your love Martin. And don't you know you two have a love the poets long to describe but often find themselves at a loss for words?"
It was at this point that Martin became very emotional and with broken voice said, "I don't know how I could ever live without her. She is my life. I know she is in good hands, but I am still afraid. I told her once that I couldn't bear to be without her. That was true, I think, from the day I met her. You can't imagine what we have gone through to have what we have now."
"I don't have to imagine it Martin. I know it. Louisa and I know each other like a book. I know of your ups and downs of the leavings and crises and misunderstandings. I have known many couples with lesser issues than you and Louisa have overcome. Often their relationships did not survive. What you and Louisa have had to deal with seemed so insurmountable. Yet you did and you have. If you had gone through shallow depths your fretting could be minor, but your angst is profound precisely because of what you have gone through to come to the love you have for each other."
"And Martin...Martin."
"Yes."
"If Louisa is like a sister to me, you have become a brother. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know what to do. I just know I had to catch a plane and be here. And I will stay as long as I'm needed or until you send me home." And with that it was me whose voice was cracking and whose tears were flowing.
As Natalie and I were talking I thought of my comment about why it always seemed to be Louisa who was facing a health crisis. Suddenly events from the past flooded my mind. I had vivid reminders of times when my heart was in my throat. Sometimes it was in the midst of a crisis and other times it was because we were apart and I simply did not know how she was faring. I never fretted about much in life before I moved to Portwenn, but when it comes to Louisa and my family the burden of worry is almost unbearable at times.
Early on whenever Louisa was in view I was watching her. There was the day she was reading to her children down by the Platt. Walking to the chemist's I noticed her, stared actually, and suddenly she simply fell over. My heart leapt and in an instant I was by her side.
Thankfully it was only a fainting spell. So much worse was seeing that taxi crashed against the rock on the moor when she was pregnant. I told her I feared the worst and I truly did. I was leaving her for London and yet the thought of losing her destroyed my defenses and caused me to reevaluate everything. The worst was the day I angered her at sports day and caused her to pursue me into the path of that moving car. I died a thousand deaths thinking she might be dead until I examined her. I could never have forgiven myself. Yet I had caused her much pain and injury. That all lead to the cerebral crisis when she was leaving for Spain and the eventual surgery to correct the arteriovenous malformation.
Perhaps I suffered the most ongoing angst when Louisa was in London for six months. Had I known she was carrying our child I do not think I could have left her on her own even though I thought she did not want anything to do with me. We were both so full of stupid misunderstanding. We reflected on that time later and could not believe we both put ourselves and each other through the worst misery of our lives. And even after she returned to Portwenn the time was still filled with confusion and miscommunication. Natalie was right. It was a bloody miracle that we were able to make a family out of all of those scattered bits.
James Henry helped pull us together when we might have given up. I can never forget the health crisis he faced as an infant. When we feared losing him we were both willing to make whatever sacrifices necessary to support him and each other. Our professions meant nothing in the face of the welfare of James...and each other.
And now cancer had invaded our perfect family. It had taken years of growing for Louisa and me to find a balance in our life together. We have two fine children who need their mother. I told her once she would make a wonderful mother and so she has. Now I face another time when I...when we, could lose her to this disease. It is strange coming from me, but I pray that Louisa will survive this and be well again. My good friend Luk told me that reaching out a hand in the dark is as profound a prayer as any eloquent prayer by any saint of the church. Well, it is dark, very dark and I am reaching. By all the saints, I am reaching.