CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN REMEMBRANCE

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CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN

We had spent the night before my surgery at the County Arms. It was becoming our home away from home. I had to be at hospital quite early. If it were not for the fact that Martin's colleague was doing my surgery I would probably be at St. Michaels Hospital in Hale, where most breast surgery is performed in Cornwall. The Royal Cornwall Hospitals NHS Trust had agreed that Mr. Mason could do his surgery work at the hospital in Truro.

I had not had time to dwell on my medical issues as there had been much to do getting things lined up for me to be away from the school for an extended time. When alone however my mind did find itself going there. The "What if's" raised their ugly head now and then but I managed to hold them at bay. My two men were hiding their feelings very well. I have learned to read my husband like a book. This is weighing on him. With James I simply have an adolescent who is becoming more proficient at withdrawing and not talking much. At his worst he can be quite sulky. I have no idea what he is thinking about my illness, but I am guessing that he is repressing his feelings as usual.

I am so thankful for my daughter. She is still very child-like in her approach to all of this, but at least she wants to talk about it. She asks questions and I try to help her see how I am dealing with everything. It is hardest when she wants to talk about death and that she does not want to lose me. I told her that I am confident that because this has been detected early that she would have a mother for a long time. I promised her that some day I would take her to Paris. Just the two of us. She has wanted me to tuck her into bed every night. Sometimes I lie down beside her until she is asleep, or until Martin comes in and awakens me for us to retire to our own room.

I had to be at hospital by seven o'clock. Ruth and Natalie and the children were to come a bit later. We had gone through all of the pre-coached preliminaries and I was lying on a trolley in a small room with an IV in my arm. Within the hour I would be in surgery and when I awoke my breasts would be gone. I knew my breasts had never defined who I was, but I still wondered what my emotional response to all of this would be. Full knowledge and full acceptance are very different things. Martin had not been very open about his feelings on this in the days leading up to this day. I do not know what prompted it but finally before we went to sleep last night he told me, "You are beautiful. Your breasts are beautiful. When they are no longer there you will still be my beautiful Louisa. Remember a breast is not worth very much. Your life is worth everything." I had teared up and he held me very close, gently caressing my head, until I fell asleep.

As much as you want to go through things together as a couple there are times when you each must travel a road alone. As Martin squeezed my hand and released it I knew the truth of this as they took me to theatre. I did not like this feeling and was glad I would soon be asleep. I said a prayer that I would awaken and see my family.

Ruth and the children had returned from getting something to eat and we were simply waiting while Louisa was in surgery. It was to be a long wait as the surgery would likely take three to four hours. Presently we were all quiet. Joan was seated with Natalie's arm around her. Ruth and James and I were simply lost in thought.

People have described me as being impersonal, brusque, unfeeling and rude. Years ago Louisa had called me rude, but thankfully she added well-meaning. I feel sure that people thought that "ice water in his veins" was a phrase created to define me. It is true I had built impregnable walls around myself to be protected by the hurt hurled my way since I was a child. No one realized what it was like living inside those walls. I really did feel every cruel word and thoughtless gesture. Louisa is the only one who realizes this, the only one I have ever let inside my walls. I do try to be somewhat available emotionally to James and Joan, but it is difficult.

At the moment I was in sheer agony inside my fortress. I had assisted in enough mastectomies to know exactly what was happening to Louisa. I was visualizing every cut and it was like a cutting of my heart. She was anesthetized, but I was not. I finally had to get up and walk for a bit. I excused myself and wandered through the halls ending up at the main reception area of the hospital. Almost all the chairs were filled so I decided to wander outside a bit. As I was exiting, my eye caught Roger Fenn seated near the entrance.

"Roger, what are you doing here? Is your family alright?"

"Yes, we're fine Martin. I knew Louisa was having surgery today and felt the need to be here."

"Roger, how in the world did you know Louisa was having surgery? We have attempted to keep it to ourselves."

"Oh Martin, how long have you lived in Portwenn? There are no secrets. Once it slipped to one person about our beloved Louisa, it was all over the village. So tell me, how is she? Where are you headed?"

"She has been in surgery over two hours so I decided to walk a bit. You can join me if you would like."

We walked around the hospital grounds without speaking. Finally Roger said, "Martin, how can you stand this? I don't know what I would do if anything happened to Maureen."

I realized that Roger was one person who had seen through a crack in my wall. He was the only one I had told of my blood issues early on. I told him, "Roger, it is bloody awful. Damn bloody awful! I wish it were me on that table!"

Let me say, it was good of you to come today. I do thank you."

Adding to the chill of the day a light rain was beginning to fall so we directed our steps back inside. I invited Roger to return to the surgery waiting area with me.

"No, Roger, I insist. You must sit with us. It will be as if I have returned with another member of the family. It means a great deal that you have come today."

It must have been about an hour later when my colleague William Mason entered to tell us that the surgery was completed. It had taken all of four hours.

Mr. Mason addressed all of us. "I want to inform you that all went very well and there were no problems. Martin, we did remove the sentinel lymph nodes and we should have a pathology report on them within a week. I am cautiously optimistic that the cancer was only in the affected breast, but we will have to confirm that. Mrs. Ellingham should be in recovery for some two hours. You will be informed when she has been situated in her room. She will be a bit groggy and very sensitive to touch, but I know she will want to see you. Do you have any questions?"

Of course the questions we wanted to ask Mr. Mason could not be answered by anyone at this point. After he left, Natalie suggested we get something to eat while Louisa was in recovery. I couldn't stand the thought of canteen food so suggested we eat at Mullions, a restaurant in hospital. It was adequate and we would not have to leave. I have eaten at Mullions and always hoped that their sanitation practices were optimum. One can never be certain, even in a hospital. I recall seeing loose breads in a basket and unwrapped tea bags in a bowl. They might as well have a sign saying, "Have some germs. Not responsible if you get sick."

I began to be aware of voices and being moved around. "Mrs. Ellingham, can you hear me? Mrs. Ellilngham?" Well, I could hear her but I couldn't find words to say. And my throat was sore from the intubation tube having just been removed. I groaned and tried to open my eyes. Everything was fuzzy. As I focused, finally I could see people working around me. All of a sudden, without warning I vomited all over my bed clothes and beyond. I hadn't eaten but something came up and it was a mess. I wish that had not happened because the cleaning up and changing of my gown and the bed clothes was horribly painful. The nurse had the idea that this would be a good time for me to walk just a little. I asked for some pain medicine and she said, "Let's just get this gown changed and walk you around the bed first."

I was finally settled with enough meds to deal with the pain for the most part. There was no more vomiting and in fact I drifted in and out of sleep. I have no idea how long I was on that trolley but I felt them moving me and entering a room where four attendants lifted me onto a hospital bed.

At some point I felt a kiss on my forehead and heard Martin's voice. "Louisa, I'm here now. How do you feel?"

"I'm sleepy, but I think I'm okay. I'm just glad it is over. I want to see James and Joan."

Martin thought it best that they come in one at a time. James came to me and leaned over, his father cautioning him not to touch me. He leaned in close and said with difficulty, "Mum, I'm sorry. Will you be okay?"

He had no idea how much it meant for me to know inside this adolescent was still my sweet James. "Yes, James. I will be okay. I love you, and will feel more like talking when you come tomorrow. Please take care of your sister."

"I will Mum. I promise."

I really do not know why I said that because James has always been very protective of his sister and they are closer than most siblings, even though there are five years between them. I squeezed his hand and told him, "Love you Son."

"Love you too Mum. See you tomorrow."

Poor Joan was quite frightened to see all the lines and tubes sticking in and coming from my body. Then too I looked, I am sure, just a tad on the frail side having just undergone four hours of surgery. I had to reassure her.

"Joan, don't worry. They are putting stuff into me that I need and draining stuff out of me that I don't need. All is fine. I told you I would be okay and I am. Just a bit tired. I'll be better tomorrow and can talk more then"

Joan wasn't convinced. "Are you sure? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Joanie. Mr. Mason said everything went well. Be a love for Aunt Ruth and Natalie and I'll see you in the morning."

Martin was going to be very protective of me and suggested the others wait until tomorrow to visit me. He stood in the hall with them and I could overhear their conversation. It sounded like they would spend another night in the hotel. He sent them on their way and I heard him say, "Ruth, why don't you exit through A and E as the car is near that entrance." One can never predict the consequences of off-hand suggestions.

Martin came back in and hopefully I could sleep a bit before they returned to check on me. He sat in the chair which could be made into a bed - well sort of a bed. It seemed only a few minutes when Martin's mobile rang.

"Yes, Ellingham here...What's wrong?...Who did you say?...Alright, I will be right down. Ask Natalie to come here."

"Martin! What has happened?"

"It seems Joan is quite upset. I will go and see to her and Natalie will be with you until I return."

With that comment he hurriedly left the room leaving me with troubling thoughts.

Martin had left it to me and Natalie to deal with the rest of the day and the evening. I suppose we could have driven to Portwenn, but Martin did not want us to, given the fact that the roads were wet and we would be returning the next day. As he suggested, we were leaving hospital by way of A and E. We were moving toward the exit when we had to quickly step aside. We had heard an ambulance arrive and they were quickly moving a gurney with a young girl on it down the corridor. Her face was covered in blood. Without a word Joan began screaming.

"Meg! Meg! What happened?"

She pursued the gurney and had to be restrained. Natalie and I ran to her and she was simply out of control. It was Natalie who held her finally and said, "Joan, you know that girl, right?

She responded through her sobs, "Yes, she's my best friend, Meg."