CHAPTER THIRTY NINE REMEMBRANCE

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CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

We received the good news that Louisa's lymphatic system had not been compromised. The cancer was apparently contained in the affected breast. Due to the nature of the tumor it was determined that eight chemotherapy treatments would be advisable. It was now a month past surgery and Louisa was doing very well. She had experienced discomfort, but not severe pain.

Our children had risen to the occasion. The house was actually neater than usual, which we may owe in part to the fact that Louisa was not scattering things hither and thither. James and Joan insisted on taking their turn in the kitchen, both cooking and cleaning. When we had told them we would get through this together, they had taken it to heart.

Louisa was feeling well enough to get to get away for an evening with her friends. They had invited her to Millie Evans's house to play some inane game, Bunko I think they called it. Since Louisa was eating supper with the ladies, Joan said she would cook our supper. She surprised us with her version of toad in the hole. Gratefully she did not make the fat-ladened sausage variety. She had cut heart shapes in the toasted bread with egg in the center covered with cheese. After devouring two, James said,

"Muffin, this is good. I could eat more."

"Yes, Joan, thank you for this. We seem to have developed a house full of cooks. If you will excuse me, I think I will go to my study now."

"No Dad. You can't go yet. We have some afters and I will make you some espresso."

With that, James helped Joan and brought slices of yarg and apples. She and James had tea and I enjoyed the coffee. Usually the children quickly cleared the table and left Louisa and me to ourselves. It made perfect sense to me to go ahead and assist with clean-up and go to my office. Obviously I was mistaken on this night. This time it was James who stopped me.

"Dad, Joan and I need to talk with you. We have some questions to ask about Mum."

I had not shared my thoughts about Louisa's cancer with anyone and I wasn't sure I liked the direction this conversation was headed. I know early on I had told Louisa that the children would be on this journey too, but it had been difficult to discuss so I'd taken the line of least resistance and not talked about it. But there was no choice now. I had to hear my children out. "Alright, what do you want to ask me?"

"The thing is Dad," James continued, "You have not told us very much. We don't know what is going on. If they got all the cancer out, why does Mum have to have the chemotherapy? If there's no cancer, isn't she cured?"

"First, James and Joan, we are very fortunate that cancer wasn't detected in the lymph nodes. If that were the case the cancer could be traveling to other parts of her body and it would require more intense treatment. It's possible that there remain some cancer cells that we cannot detect. The eight chemotherapy treatments will hopefully destroy these if they're present."

I felt I had to be honest with the children. "What you need to know is that we don't speak of cancer being cured. We say there is no evidence of the disease. The longer a person lives with no evidence of Cancer, the better the chance that they will live a long life. After the surgery, there's no evidence of cancer in your mother. This adjuvant therapy will be done to prevent it coming back."

Then James spoke of things I did not want to discuss. I had feared this.

"Dad, I am worried. I have been afraid Mum might not be okay. Don't you worry that she might not be okay?"

Of course I worried. It began the night Louisa found the abnormality in her breast. It has been like a parasite eating away at me. Even though the prognosis looks good I am still troubled. I did not want to answer James so I simply kept my head bowed and remained silent. I feared what might come out of my mouth if I opened it.

Suddenly Joan arose and came over to me putting her arms around my neck. She held me tightly and said, "Daddy, I love you. Don't be afraid. I can tell from your eyes that you're worried. I pray every day that Mummy will be okay. I think she will be Daddy. She will not have any more cancer."

With that she sat in my lap and embraced me even more, beginning to cry into my chest. I put my arms around her and we sat like that for a good while. It was James who broke the silence.

"Dad, tell us about the chemotherapy. Will it make Mum sick? What's going to happen?"

"Next week we will go to the hospital and they will put a catheter port in her chest. That will prevent having to find a vein every time she has therapy. After that we will go to Truro every three weeks until she has had eight treatments. Each time they will make sure she is well and then administer the drugs. It can take several hours. And yes, your Mum will likely have nausea for some days. She will definitely tire easily."

Then Joan asked, "Daddy, will Mummy's hair fall out? My friend Jean said that her Mum lost all her hair."

"I have spoken with the oncologist and I believe they will be using the drug adriamycin along with some others and yes it will cause Mum to lose her hair."

"But Daddy, that's terrible. One time you said Mum had the most beautiful hair in the world."

"Joan, with or without hair, your mother is the most beautiful woman in the world. We will have to be helpful and make sure she knows that. The important thing for you both to remember is that by going through this difficult treatment she can live without cancer."

We finally ended up in the living room. The children would usually turn on the telly, but not tonight. My usual response to the intense conversation we had at table would be flight. Even opening the BMJ would be a relief. I cannot explain it but I just could not do that. For some time we sat in silence. It was as if Louisa had gone far away and we would not be okay until she returned home. We were complete with four, but one was missing. Never mind that she was simply enjoying an evening with friends. In our minds she was lost on the moor and we wanted her safely here with the doors closed and locked. We wanted our Louisa home and we wanted cancer locked out of this home.

Silence is a vacuum that must be filled so James finally asked me, "Dad, why can't they find a cure for cancer?"

"James, the quick and incomplete answer is that cancer is not just one disease. It is hundreds of diseases; thousands if you consider all of the manifestations in each person due to genetics and other factors. It is not as simple as eradicating a disease like smallpox or completing a project like traveling to the moon. But the good news is that some cancers respond well to treatment. And the type of cancer your mother has is one of those.

I know you - well, we - are worried, but I can tell you that the prospects of her living a long cancer-free life are excellent. Is that more than you wanted to know?"

"No Dad. It's not. I have been doing some reading, but I wanted to hear it from you. It's almost ten. Wonder when Mum will get home."

It was almost as if James's comment had triggered the sound of a car in the drive. We heard the front door open and Louisa walked in to find us all waiting as we had waited in hospital for the surgeon's report. After our intense conversation, it was a relief to have her home. Now all was well.

"My goodness People, what are you all doing in here?"

Joan was quick to reply, "We are waiting for you Mummy. We wanted to see you home. Did you have a good time?"

"Oh, yes. It was really fun to be with the girls, but I must say I am quite knackered."

With that Louisa sat down next to Joan and Joan cuddled up to her Mum. Louisa let her head rest on the back of the sofa.

James asked her, "Well Mum, how much cash did you win?"

"Oh, it's just for fun. I did have the lowest score which made me one of the winners for the night. I won a prize. Look, salt and pepper shakers in the form of dice."

This prompted my reply, "Just what we need, another dispenser of hypertension and fluid retention."

Louisa's response was a wonderful laugh. "My impossible husband. I missed you all tonight. Glad I'm home."

"Not as glad as we are Mum," James said, "not as glad as we are."

With that Louisa held Joan a bit tighter and closing her eyes, relaxed.

I am grateful to Snowsie2011 who through her review inspired this chapter.