The sound of churning machinery reverberated around the Drive Room as Kochanski, Cat and Lister skidded to a halt. They had found the Cat on their way and convinced him to join them in finding out what the signal was. He had until then been stalking through the corridors on the habitation deck dressed in gleaming safari whites and wearing a pith helmet, hunting for what he described as 'Ladies of Delectable Quality'. Having been doing this for the past eight minutes however, he was becoming bored and appreciated the distraction.
Holly's calm face filled the central console, looking down on the assembled company as he explained why they were all there.
"I'm receiving an automated distress signal from a charter vessel going by the call sign 'Nova 5'. Actually, hang about, I think I'm getting something now."
Holly's face was replaced by the angular features of a mechanoid. The face flinched suddenly, startled, and began to speak,
"Oh, thank goodness! My name is Kryten. I am the service mechanoid aboard the Nova 5. We have had the most dreadful accident. The male officers died on impact. The female officers are injured but stable. Please help us."
Kochanski moved to speak but was beaten to it by the Cat who pulled off his high helmet and declared, "You speak of poor young maidens in distress? Tell me dear sir, are they chaperoned? In what manner are their finances?"
Kryten looked confused but was saved from answering by Kochanski.
"I am Kristine Kochanski, Senior Officer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, Red Dwarf. My crew and I shall endeavour to bring to you whatever assistance you may require. Please give us your co-ordinates and whatever information you may have on the condition of the injured."
The lipless mechanical face split in a huge grin as Kryten clapped his hands in exuberance. "Oh, thank you Ma'am. I am sending the details to you now."
The console went black before a cascade of green text flowed down the screen, navigation co-ordinates for the location of the crashed vessel. The Cat let out a low appreciative growl as the text was replaced by images of the three women who had been injured in the crash along with pertinent medical information.
Kochanski leapt straight into action, moving across to the drive computer and inputting the data that was still transmitting from the Nova 5. "Holly, plot a course. Give me an ETA on our arrival and prepare a team of skutters to take any of the injured to the medibay. I want to make sure that the first priority is to the intake and stabilisation of any survivors. Before we set down we'll also need a topographical scan of the crash site and a structural assessment of the condition of the ship before we risk going out there."
Her gaze flicked up to see Holly's confused expression. She let out a sigh. "What is it?"
Holly's eyes shifted about, trying not to meet her gaze. "What does ETA mean?"
"How long will it take to get there?"
"Oh right, about twenty four hours, give or take a bit."
The Cat gasped dramatically. "A mere twenty four hours? I must prepare myself, physically and mentally for the arduous task ahead. I must preen, shave, primp, wax, curl and coiffure to perfection to astound these fair blooms. Pray, dear friends, allow me the indulgence of excusing myself while I prepare. I do declare, I am all aflutter!"
As the Cat skipped merrily from the Drive Room, Lister shook his head despairingly and took the chewed-up pen from between his lips. Lister couldn't smoke as a hologram so had resorted to the chronic smoker's methadone, a pen that Holly had digitised for him to help take some of the strain. A blue stain on his lower lip testified the fact that he was on to his third of the morning.
"What's the matter with him? We are on a mission of mercy delivering urgently needed medical supplies. We are not on the pull."
Kochanski hadn't heard him; instead desperately poring over the data that Kryten had relayed over, a frown creasing her features as she scrolled back and forth through the medical information.
Lister perched himself next to the keyboard that Kochanski was hammering away at and leant his face down to block her view of the screen. After a few seconds of trying to look around him, she threw up her hands and glared at his grinning face.
"What is it Dave?"
Lister's beamed wider. "You're worrying again."
"I'm not worrying, I am co-ordinating."
"C'mon Krissie, it'll be fine. We've got a five mile long ship stacked to the gills with supplies and whatever we need to do anything. We can set up a colony with what we have in the holds. This is good news. There's no need to go have a massive stressy over it."
"Please let me just sort this Dave, I really don't want to –"
Lister was shaking his head, "Krissie, Krissie, Krissie. Chill out. We have a whole day to sort this. All we need to do is load a couple of skutters onto one of the Midgets and scoot over there. We can work it out on the way there. Holly is on the case. IQ of 6000 gotta be good for something right?"
Kochanski leant back in her chair and crossed her arms, her scowl on full display now.
"David, I want to know exactly what we are doing before we get there. I want to know the situation inside out and plan for any contingencies. You said it yourself, this is a mission of mercy. For all we know they could be the last three humans left in the entire Universe. We can't smeg this up."
Lister nodded, subdued for the moment and slunk off the console, his teeth snapping through the pen he had been vigorously chomping down on. With a sigh, he took out the splintered rod of plastic and let it fall from his fingers where it disappeared before hitting the floor.
"There's something weird about this data."
Lister spun back at the sound of Kochanski's voice and knelt beside her, looking over the green text.
"It's the dates for the mission logs. Look, they left Earth in the twenty-fifth century. Smegging hell, they're from the future!"
"Dave, we're three million years ahead of the time we were born, if anything they're in the prehistoric past -"
But Lister was already gone, "From the future, Krissie! Their technology must be so far in advance of our own; you just had to look at that Kryten robot. Makes the droids we had in our time look like skutters. I guess he did look like a bloke who had forgotten to get out his car when he took it down the crushers but still –"
"It's not that, there's something else that's wrong with all this but I can't make it out. Maybe it's got something to do with their medical data but I can't be sure without – "
"Shove the data in the Medicomp and let it work it out. We're not Doctors so it's not our problem."
Krissie shook her head. There was something wrong with all this but she couldn't work it out. It all just seemed a mite strange. What was a private charter spaceship doing out here, three million years travel from Earth? Why had nobody else popped by in that time to rescue them? The data that had been transmitted was so full of holes and weird codes that it just hurt looking at it.
"You're probably right Dave, we'll have to work it out when we can bring them back on board." She suddenly grinned. "You know, it'll be strange having a few new faces about. Who knows, you might not be just stuck with me for the rest of Eternity. David Lister, a free man."
She turned and noticed his unsmiling face, the look of confusion in his eyes. She hastily got up and tried to change the subject,
"You know Dave, you're right. Let's sort this out later. Holly, feed the medical data into the Medicomp. Let me know the results of the topographical scan when you can." Kochanski started walking out and turned at the entrance to the Drive Room to see Lister unmoving at the console, staring morosely at the data. Unable to stand the silence, Kochanski played her trump card.
"Hey, Dave. It's not all bad. C'mon, its cultural exchange night and its your turn. I heard that the skutters managed to find a working version of 'Casablanca "
At this, Lister slowly stood and walked towards her, a fixed smile on his face that didn't touch his eyes. It was only as they were walking towards the cinema room that Lister spoke.
"You know, I think I could put up with eternity with you, Krissie."
Kochanski smiled sadly, "I know, Dave. And I love you for it."
Lister beamed and started whistling the tune to 'As Time Goes By' as they entered the cinema, walking as close to arm in arm as the last human alive and a ghost could.