Josh's POV
"Are you ready sweetheart? We have to leave in just a few minutes. Emily just got here." I ask Bella and she shakes her head yes and takes my hand and walks down with me. She knows if she starts talking she'll start crying and she's trying to not cry. Charlie died 4 days ago and she spends most of her time sleeping. She's depressed and I don't know what to do. No one knows what to do. The only people she'll even talk to is Leah and Jillian and Leah isn't doing much better than she is. She had gotten very close to Charlie after him and Sue got married and even more after Melissa was born and he treated her just like he did Jason and Brooke.
Emily is here with Ryan to help Jillian with Jason and Brooke and Melissa.
Jason runs to her and she picks him up and kisses him then puts him down.
"Are you sure you'll be OK with them and Melissa?" She asks Emily and Jillian but more Jillian.
Emily wanted 4 kids before they had Ryan. I think she would give anything to not have him some days. He's on his best day a difficult child and Emily does not deal with him well. She went back to work as soon as she could and then started taking college classes and Bella takes care of him most days. She's naturally calmer with him than Emily is and he seems to feed off of that.
"We'll be fine Bella and then Jake is going to pick us up and take us to Sam's. Don't worry about them. Are you hungry? You really should eat before you go." Bella just shakes her head yes and Jillian hands her an apple and makes her some toast.
"Thank you Jillian for everything." She whispers and she nibbles on the toast.
"You're welcome Bella." She tells her and hugs her.
Bella starts crying and Jillian whispers I'm sorry to me. I tell her she didn't do anything.
We tell the kids goodbye and drive to the where they are holding the funeral.
She clings to me the entire time and I'm pretty sure she has everything tuned out. After it is all over she walks to the front and looks at him.
"Can he hear me?" She whispers.
"I think so." I tell her but I don't know. I don't know how all that works.
"I love you dad so much and I'm going to miss you so much. I promise Jason and Brooke and Melissa will know how much you loved them. Thank you for always being there for me and supporting me and loving me. You're an amazing dad and I hope I can be as good a parent to Jason and Brooke as you were to me. Goodbye daddy." She tells him crying and then turns around and walks out to the car.
I get in and look at her but I don't talk to her, it's best to wait for her to talk when she's like this.
"Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you take me to the beach? Just for a little while. I'm not ready to be with everyone yet. I can call you when I'm ready so you can go get the kids." She asks me quietly.
"Sweetheart I really don't want you to be alone. The kids will be fine with Jillian and Jake is picking them up to take them to Sam's. I can call them and tell them we'll be a while. And then I will just sit and not talk to you unless you want me to." She nods her head yes.
We drive to the beach and she gets the blanket out of the back of the trunk and lays it out and sits while I call Jake who says it's fine, stay as long as she wants. I sit behind her and she lays back on me.
"Josh?"
"Hmm?"
"I'll be OK." She whispers so that I barely hear her since she's facing away from me.
"I know you will be sweetheart." I tell her not really understanding what she means.
"I just got scared because you're older than him. But I'm done being afraid. If you die then you'll take a part of me with you but I'll stay strong for the kids and Sam and Ryan. But I won't ever stop thinking about you and I will look forward to the day that I can be with you again."
"Bella, no baby, don't think like that. If I die I want you to be happy, I want you to move on. If the kids are still little I want you to find someone that loves them and will be a good father to them." I tell her and she turns around.
"I felt more for you in a week then I felt for anyone I'd ever been with and what I felt for you then is nothing compared to how much I love you now. If I moved on, found someone to be a good father to the kids I would only be settling and that wouldn't be fair to me or them. I know I'm a lot younger than you and there is a lot you think I don't know and you're probably right. But this I do know… you are it for me." She tells me with so much fire and determination I don't dare argue with her.
I don't say anything and she turns around and lays back on me again. A little while later she says she's ready to go.
We get to Sam's and she actually socializes and when Jason comes up to her she smiles and picks him up and instead of kissing him and putting him down she holds him. He clings to her like she might disappear.
"How is she?" Sue asks.
"Well she's talking so I guess that's a start. She's taking it hard and I know it's mostly the fact that her dad is dead but it's also the fact that she's afraid I'm going to die on her. And I might, probably will actually. I love her so much but I wish I wasn't so much older than her right now. How is Leah?"
"Not dealing." She says sadly.
"And you?"
"It's so hard. I never thought I would be going through this all again so soon. I know Harry died a long time ago but sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I just never thought I would lose Charlie so soon." She looks at Bella and smiles at her playing with Melissa. "She'd be taken care of you know? I know she's scared but I know you're just as scared of leaving her behind. Sam and Jake and Leah would take care of her. Just like she would any of them, and she would have me and Jillian too. And she would stay strong for the kids. The only reason she let herself fall apart now is because she knows you'll take care of them."
"I'm so sorry Sue; if you need anything let me know." I tell her and she smiles sadly and says thanks.
"Daddy, tired." Brooke tells me yawning.
"OK baby, let's put you in Ryan's bed." I tell her and take her upstairs with Ryan following. They lay down together and I cover them up, kiss them both and go back down. Like Bella says I'm glad they are related no matter how weird it might be that my daughter and my grandson are months apart. Far less boundary issues. Jason and Melissa are a completely different story. They may only be one and three but Jason looks at Melissa with that complete look of awe that Sam looked at Bella with when she was just a baby.
"You got Ryan to lie down?" Sam asks me when I come down.
"Yes, he just kind of followed Brooke. Where are Bella and Jason?" I ask him because when I walked up there were in the kitchen and now I don't see them anywhere.
"They went for a walk with Melissa and Jillian. I think Jason was getting overwhelmed with all the people and you know Melissa follows him wherever he goes. I feel bad for Jake when they're older." He tells me laughing.
"Why do you feel bad for me?" Jake asks him from behind him.
"Because your daughter would follow Jason anywhere." Sam tells him.
"Oh yeah. Well Bella would have followed you anywhere and I think to this day you would die for her. And Jason is your brother. And since there is no way in hell she's going to end up marrying Josh I don't think I have to worry about them too much." He tells Sam laughing.
Bella's POV
Sometime after my dad died I got so insanely crazy that I wouldn't let Josh out of my sight. But I realized that I was spending so much time being crazy I wasn't actually living my life. My dad would have hated that. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy even when he didn't exactly approve of my choices. So I made the decision to mean what I told Josh on the beach the day of the funeral. I wasn't scared anymore; I was just going to make the most of my life with everyone in it.
Life didn't change but I did. For the first time since I let Josh into my life I let go of the fear of him leaving me completely. I also let go of the lesser known fear that I was going to end up dying and leaving him and the kids. Sarah died when Jake and I were 8 after all. My issues ran far deeper than anyone realized. Though we did make sure they would be taken care of both moneywise and guardianship wise. I couldn't decide between Jake and Leah and Sam so we discussed it with them and decided that it would up to them to decide if it should ever happen. No one really believes that sometime like that is going to happen. Josh and I were also written into both Sam and Jake's will as legal guardian to Ryan and Melissa should anything happen to any or all of them. It was an overall depressing conversation.
Then I threw myself into loving life in a carefree live for the moment way that I never really had before. I felt so at peace.
I went back to teaching when Brooke started kindergarten. By then Josh was running only the business side of the studio and he picked them up every afternoon that I needed to stay late. Obviously there were the advantages of him being older too. We never had to struggle with money and he spent way more time with the kids than any average father and definitely more time with Ryan than the average grandfather.
Life was not perfect, far from it.
Emily left Sam when Ryan was 6, she moved across the country when she woke up and decided she wanted more than this small town life. She came back after a few months and begged for forgiveness. Sam took her back of course; she is the love of his life.
Sue died a few years after my dad. While Leah and I were heartbroken we knew she had been miserable, not even the kids could cheer her up.
Sam and got in a horrible car accident and nearly died but he made it through and after months of recovery was back to himself.
Even Jillian went through hell getting married, pregnant and divorced within a year. But her daughter is freaking adorable and she is loved.
My family is happy most of the time and even when we're not happy we're together.