Starbug came in low, barely two metres above the blocky roof tops of the settlement. Engines screaming, the Bug banked sharply, raising a flight of gawky winged lizards from the stunted trees scattered throughout the square. The landing stanchions missed the last building's chimney pot by millimetres as the ship hurtled towards an outlying field of coarsely cut wheat.
A threadbare figure labouring in the field dropped his tools and turned to run before being caught in the rush of air caused by the tail of the craft whipping around, phosphorescent streams of ionising gas from the engines scorching swathes of the crop. The figure was flung to the ground and came up spluttering, in time to see the danger and duck down again as the stanchions bit into the crumbly ground beside him and scoured a ripping path through the topsoil. The air was rent by the whine of the retros firing as Starbug skidded across the surface of the planetoid, gradually calming as the motion of the ship slowed and finally stopped.
As the noise of the engines died, the relative silence of the atmosphere drifted back, filled only by the plinking of cooling metal and the zuzung of outer air lock doors opening. The figure, tremblingly, got to his feet and ran.
A dishevelled Kochanski clattered down the staircase and jumped to the ground where she fell to her knees and gripped clods of dry earth, moaning quietly to herself. Lister chased after her and stood nearby, splitting his time between concern for her and scanning the horizon. Kryten followed at a slightly more sedate pace, burdened down with rucksacks and panniers of supplies. The last to exit the Bug was the Cat, bedecked in layers of purple velvet and what looked like Tiger skin. As he gracefully leapt to terra firma, he pulled up his golden leatherette driving gloves, adjusted his purple tinted flying goggles and turned to Lister,
"If I may be so bold to say, I feel that I executed a perfect first landing."
His self-congratulatory grin was accompanied by the sound of Kochanski retching behind him.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*
After securing the landing site, the Dwarfers proceeded to the gates of the settlement. Towering concrete walls encompassed a roughly circular area about the size of a village with a huge makeshift gate. Essentially there was a gap left in the roughly cast concrete that had been closed over with what looked like a pair of massive frosted glass panels. The gates were slightly ajar, space just large enough for a person to squeeze through and sitting just beside the gap were two figures; one tall and the other taller.
The crew slowed as they approached, and the guards put down their cards and got to their feet. Clad in dirty red uniforms that looked eerily similar in style to the blue JMC uniforms that Kochanski and Lister now wore, Lister barely came to nipple height on the shorter guard. The slender figures were easily eight feet tall and their long arms and legs were not close enough to human to be comfortable. Their enormous eyes complete with blazing golden irises were set above short parrot-like beaks. Long, almost emaciated looking limbs gripped at slender staffs, capped at one end with a metal spike that they dug into the ground and crowned at the other with an elaborate brass contraption with various needles and dials that could sit comfortably in a surveyor's toolbox or in pride of place on the dungeon wall of a Spanish Inquisitor. The shorter of the guards held a hand up to stop them and the crew halted several metres away.
Once he was certain he had their attention, the guard let out a piercing ululating whistle. There was a pause and he repeated the whistle again. This time there was no doubt that this was meant to be a question; his eyes seemed to nail Kochanski to the floor where she stood. She looked at Lister and he could only shrug.
The guard whistled a weird cadence in hushed tones and there was a cawing from his companion that was suspiciously like laughter. The short guard then let out a series of hacking coughs, like a footballer clearing his nose. He glared harder this time. When no communication was forthcoming he tried a series of sibilant hisses and when that failed a series of chattering clicks. He shook his head and spat, shifting his grip on his staff. Lister held up his hands in the international sign of the terminally unarmed and spoke slowly.
"Look pal, we don't want any trouble. We've just come here to trade."
The guard cocked his head to one side and listened. He looked down, then shook his head and whistled to his companion. The taller guard let out a low grumbling whistle and slipped through the narrow gap in the gate, leaving his friend to face the crew.
As the minutes passed the crew began to wander about and the gate guard relaxed slightly. He never put down his weapon but just stood where he was and watched as Kryten put down the packs and offered thermos cups of tea and triangular sandwiches to everyone. The Cat distractedly stalked a group of butterflies flitting amongst the wildflowers by the path and Kochanski walked up to the gate and lightly touched the surface of the 'door'. The slick surface seemed to draw the heat from her hand and an experimental knock sounded a dull thud. The massive forms were seemingly without joins or rivets and she could just make out the words "SS Indefatigable" etched into the surface of the panel several feet above her head.
There was a whistling call and the taller guard came through the door again and nodded to Kryten. The Dwarfers exchanged glances as a figure came through from behind the taller guard, dressed in the same red uniform.
Six feet tall, his kind blue eyes stared out from beneath a fringe of wavy chocolate brown hair. High cheekbones and a slow lazy smile set off a model-perfect human face. He turned to face the newcomers and his eyes locked on Kochanski. They paused there for a few moments before he slowly winked. She blushed and looked at her shoes. Lister looked between the two and seeing that Kochanski wasn't about to talk any time soon, spoke up,
"Sorry to intrude on your … planetoid type thing. We're from the JMC ship Red Dwarf and we're here to trade for supplies and information. Is the Starbug ok where we parked it? I mean, we're not going to get a ticket or nothin' ?"
It was a moment or two after Lister had finished speaking before the man stopped staring at Kochanski and looked at him. He closed his eyes for a moment in concentration before haltingly saying,
"English, yes? I am so sorry, it many years since I speak English."
The thick Italian accent already set Lister's nerves on edge.
"Oh but where are my manners? Come, enter. You will be safe inside. I, Guglielmo da Napoli, will provide for your every comfort whilst you are in Haven."
Lister pulled a face, "What, like the holiday camp?"
But the objection fell on deaf ears. Guglielmo turned to the bird-like guards and whistled a short tune. They shrugged and stood aside to let the Dwarfers through the gap in the gate. Smiling and shaking hands with the Cat, the Italian nodded to Lister and proffered his arm to Kochanski, who giggled as she took it, and together they walked with through the gate, into Haven. Outside, Lister ground his teeth and followed.