His laugh was like warm caramel, rich and smooth. The huge man flashed a grin of brilliant ivory white teeth and offered his hand to the startled Lister. Confusion crossed Lister's features.
"It's alright, bruv. I ain't going to bite you or nothin' "
Lister smiled apologetically and shrugged. Jim's grin broadened as he stepped forward and grabbed the hologram, drawing him into a bear hug.
Kochanski's mouth fell open and she was half stepping forward when Guglielmo took her hand, holding her back.
Once he was released, Lister looked up teary eyed at his hero. Jim smiled down at him.
"How…" Lister began.
"It's a close range energy replicating emitter holofield, innit?"
Lister continued to look at Jim in dull incomprehension.
"The reason I can grab you like my brother from another mother. I deal with you holograms all the time. Trust me, we is going to be in proper business, no mistake."
"I mean, you're Jim Bexley Speed. How come you survived and you're all the way - "
Jim laughed again and stepped back. Like a conjurer performing, he pulled up the sleeve of his red leather jumpsuit. There was a jet of icy air released, a refrigeration system built into his suit pumping out cool air as its seal against the outside world was opened. Jim rolled back the sleeve, revealing his arm. The first few inches of flesh above his hands were composed of mahogany dark skin with defined musculature and minute pores. Above that, however, was an exposed metallic endoskeleton. A system of wires and steel cords pulled an elaborate armature system that was revealed from his wrist to above his elbow.
"Wax, my friend. Pretty on the eye but it don't like burning jet fuel. Melted the arm because I was being a tosser; swooped in on a Gelf trading party to show off. Hell of an entrance though."
Guglielmo coughed pointedly. Jim snapped out of his reverie and turned to face the Italian.
"Hey, Gugs! What's happening man? I ain't seen you in years. How's it all going? Still pretending you don't run this place? Come here."
Guglielmo accepted the hug from Jim stiffly, his arms still rigid by his sides. Kochanski's eyes met his and she smiled at the discomfort in his eyes. Jim laughed as he crushed the Italian to his chest, the whirr of gears audible to the group around him. He released him and laughed again as Guglielmo rubbed at his ribs.
"Thank you for coming so promptly. You know I would not ask you normally but the circumstances were –"
"Circumstances? C'mon Gugs, you don't need an excuse if you want to see me. Just give me a tinkle."
He held up his hand to the side of his head in mime of a phone and Kochanski laughed at the absurdity of that gesture, long died out and only seen in historical documentaries.
Jim seemed to suddenly notice her and a slow, sly smile crept across his face.
"What do we have here? You alright darling? Fancy meeting another of you lot out here, and such a pretty one you are too, aren't you sweets?"
He held out a hand and Kochanski shook it warily.
"Don't worry darlin', it's like I told the chief here, I don't bite. You ain't my type"
The Cat looked Jim straight in the eye and he acknowledged the stare with a curt nod.
"Charmed"
The Cat inclined his head briefly and Jim looked to Kryten.
"So you're the reason I'm here. 4000 series, not bad nick considering, nanos seem to be working cos the bodywork ain't too shabby so's I'm guessing you're a software overhaul, right?"
Kryten looked awkward but managed to stutter, "So I am given to understand, sir"
"Don't 'Sir' me mate, I'm not your Dad. Me and my boys will look you over and sort you out, no mistake."
As he spoke there was the sounds of metallic slides crunching, pistons hissing and the boxes that had crashed down with Jim unfolded their spider-legged spindly chassis and stalked to his side. At three feet tall they were larger than the skutters back on Red Dwarf but the fact that they were related models was obvious in their heads, three fingered rubberised mechanical claws with sensor modules like a red eye mounted above.
Guglielmo looked uneasily at the mark II skutters and nervously coughed,
"It is a pleasure as always James but I must bid you adieu. I want your best work on Miss Kochanski's – on Kryten. Ask me if you require anything at all. Please, your finest work, with all speed."
Jim smiled slowly, "It's always my best work with you, boss."
"Bene, Graci."
Guglielmo held Kochanski's arm and began to pull her away but she laid a hand on his shoulder, stopping him where he was.
"I should see what's happening with Kryten, I want to make sure he's OK."
Jim was already commandeering one of the abandoned dwellings nearby, his skutters sweeping dust vigorously out of the door while he chatted with Lister, a polite and attentive Kryten watching proceedings. The Cat standing next to Kochanski let out an elaborate yawn, making clear his review of the situation and began to slink off toward the expanding market around the Cube.
"Worry not Bella, Speed is the finest mechanic I have met in my long years. He will restore your companion in fine order. Besides, your hologrammatic friend is attending. Come, we will head below and attend to Signora Kwelhelfhagachachach of Theta 8. She is a fine cook and her parties are always –"
He trailed off as he could see Kochanski was not hearing a word of it.
"Tell me Bella, what do you wish to do now? What is it you want?"
She looked into his eyes and sighed,
"Honestly? I have no idea."
It started slowly, little glitches that she didn't think worth mentioning. When she would visit the 'boys' on the surface, Lister, Kryten and Jim, she would notice that Lister would have periods of translucency, desaturation and static across his digital image. Jim did what he could but without a direct connection to the hologram projection suite back on Red Dwarf there was not much he could do. It was probably interference caused by the storms that regularly tore their way across the planetoid.
The work on Kryten was horrendously complicated. It could have been a lot easier; a complete software wipe and reset to factory settings was possible and if necessary his ram chips could have been replaced to prevent any recurrence of the dangerous aspects of his personality. They couldn't do that to Kryten for two good reasons. Firstly, crazy as he was, his personality was what made him a part of the crew. The second and most important reason was that as much as he tried to deny it, he understood how the Nova 5 operated. They needed his knowledge of access codes and the workings of the drive. Without them the ship was just a pretty plastic and steel art installation.
Kochanski sat in on a few of the repairs, long and tedious sessions of fiddling with the circuitry in Kryten's head or chest cavity and then turning him on and asking long lists of obscure questions; logic puzzles and requests for information. Physically he was in fine condition, his nanobots had repaired and maintained every bit of wire and plastic to factory-newness alongside the organic elements of his brain that Jim and Dave didn't go anywhere near. But each day there would be more and more setbacks as they dug deeper into Kryten's sub-routines, finding thousands of processing irregularities. Almost every decision went through a massively over amplified guilt chip, crippling him with indecision. His ability to interact in conversations was severely reduced caused in no small part by millions of years of conversations with only himself to offer responses. He had forgotten how to make a macchiato.
With patient rewiring, programming and no small amount of shouting inventive 23rd century curses, progress was being made. Kochanski felt pointless at her visits, not understanding what was going on.
What surprised her most was that Dave was in his element. From not giving a rodent's behind to the complexities of locomotion mechanics, artificial intelligence programming and logic engineering he was having enthusiastic and colourful debates with Jim about the organisation of high volume data streams. She could only fix her 'politely interested' face when Dave would report to her any new breakthroughs with Kryten's repair, his chipmunk smile wide and his eyes aglow.
Meanwhile Kochanski was starting a life underground. She learnt of the Gelfs, their tribes and customs, their factional differences in Haven and amongst the various species. Her languages stood her in good stead, she learned how to say "I am honoured to be here" in Brefewino, "Grace upon your household" in Blerion and "For the love of all that is holy, I will have none of the moonshine" in Kinitawowi.
Haven had the feel of the colonial lifestyle long gone on Earth, the Gelfs of Haven were those that were wealthy and well established enough to survive outside of the trade routes. They were the ones that had retired from lives of trade, combat or flights from worlds raided by any one of the myriad threats that operated in deep space. No longer did they need to deal with Pirates, GELF war-bands or one of the big two; Simulants and Holograms.
Kochanski learned more of Resh Mellok Sahk, the great war that had engulfed this area of space. Holograms were the closest to humans that were left and took it upon themselves to eradicate the menace their race had tried to destroy millennia earlier. The Simulants had gained an appetite for inflicting a slow and agonising death to humans that could live forever. The war was long, brutal and was fought between near immortal beings across vast regions of space. Battles were often fought directly, holoships using highly directed energy beams and ship-sized holowhips to cut apart the decrepit reconditioned hulk ships of the simulants. The simulants attacked the hologram power sources in retaliation, huge satellite solar collectors around supernovas that beamed energy directly via super-light tachyons to power the holoships. Proxy wars were fought, enslaved Gelfs on both sides would fight to pointless deaths beneath the notice of their callous masters. It had been going on for as long as all the Gelf tribes could remember and showed no signs of abating. In Haven it was all history and wounded Kinitawowi veterans of Gelf wars would brood and drink their memories away in the corners of speakeasies in back alleys all over the town.
The Cat noticed none of this, involving himself with the frivolous, rich and bored Gelf high-society. He loved every second, Kochanski barely saw him one day in three. He flitted from party to luncheon, received gifts of clothes and fabrics and was the guest to have at any occasion. With his manners and sense of fashion, not to mention good looks that appealed to the ladies of a number of species, he dined out on his novelty and fantastic stories of hunts through the cargo decks for cravats.
Kochanski herself recuperated. The long hours of toil to salvage the Nova 5 had taken their toll and she had arrived at Haven at the end of her tether. In Guglielmo's restaurant she would sit in a corner in a nest of cushions and blankets and read through the Italian's library or lose herself in long conversations with him and the eminent Gelfs of the settlement. It was a life she had been born to lead, cyber school had trained her well in manners and deportment, she could hold intelligent conversations about the perils of navigating asteroid fields and although anecdotes about the academy were mostly lost on Bwerforino trade barons they still managed to laugh in the right places.
It was all going so well. She should have known that it would take a man to screw it up. She was half right.
It took two of them.
"For smeg's sake, just let me see her!"
Eyes blazing, Lister stared into the huge golden eyes in front of him, half obscured by the arcing miniature lightning that hummed between the shock staff's prongs. Kochanski could see even from where she was halfway down the entrance tunnel that he was dangerously close to getting a full dose of the staff's electrical field in the face, heavily disrupting his projection field. Dropping the bag of apples she had been carrying she grumbled as she picked up her skirts and started running forward. Why did men always have to pick a fight with everyone who …
As she got closer and Lister's eyes locked on hers, all thoughts of dressing him down over his attitude was lost in his wide eyed panic. The guard seeing her approach lowered the shock staff and inclined his head before stepping back, allowing her on to the entrance platform of the cube.
"What's going on Lister?"
He was looking over her shoulder so hard she turned as well but seeing nothing but the guards she looked back
"What's this about? Master Gwelock practically shoved me up here saying you had threatened to force his mechanoids to stop their fieldwork if he didn't..."
"Where's Mr Winebar?"
"If you're talking about Guglielmo, I haven't seen him since breakfast. And I don't see why you have to be so..."
"Grab the Cat and come back to the Bug, we have to get Hol to..."
Lister suddenly doubled over, grimacing. His image started to blur at the edges and a high pitched whine at the edge of hearing keened from somewhere inside him. Kochanski felt a long, thin hand with too many joints gently but firmly pull her back as the shock staff lowered between her and Lister. It lasted for about five seconds and Lister was straightening out, face still contorted but a weak grin on his face for the benefit of the two Avians eyeing him with predatory interest, ready to stab a few thousand volts into his light bee if he did anything remotely suspicious.
"Lister, I'm not budging an inch till I know what's going on. If it was so important why not get one of the guards to send a message or..."
A shimmer of static darted across Lister's whole body, grey lines chasing black running from his boots to his hair, fizzes of electrical discharge and crackles of white noise breaking into his speech, "Jim and Kryten are gone...out the whole damn...Mechs don't know...hours ago, but if we can..."
Kochanski tried to follow the flow but beyond the vague thrust of what Lister was saying it made no more sense than the plot of an episode of St Elsewhere. There were other settlements on the planetoid it was true, though all of them were less significant than Haven and Jim could easily have just been taking Kryten to get some parts that he suddenly realised he needed to repair him or maybe Lister's projection problems could be disrupting his short term memory.
Every innocent scenario she came up with though she rejected as soon as it occurred. It was obvious what had happened. Jim had learned about the Nova 5. She had been in Haven only a short time but she had spent a lot of it with GELF traders, she knew the value of a ship that could travel interstellar and the Nova 5's ingenious drive system would be worth fighting a war over, especially if it could be pulled out and put into a cargo hauler. Or a gunship. That's why he had also taken Kryten, Jim had the know-how to tease out any clues to access codes that the mechanoid had squirrelled away in the mess he used as a mind. Once those were used he could sell the ship to any number of rival factions, GELFs, Simulants or even Holograms in a more volatile part of space.
Kochanski was turning to the guard and began her rough Avian click-whistle request to send someone to fetch the Cat when she spotted him stalking up the tunnel, Guglielmo by his side.
As soon as Lister saw the Italian he started forward, narrowly stopping before getting a brutal reminder to not enter where he was not welcome, reigning himself to glaring malevolently and clenching and unclenching his fists.
"Bella, what troubles you? I hear word that your crew member is agitated and threatened an honest trader with industrial sabotage. I will do what I can but such threats will not be taken lightly by the GELF council and I am afraid his rash behaviour could cause significant..."
"Where did he take Kry...greasy bast...I'll take your damn shoes and sh...till you taste polish when you..."
Lister's tirade, spoiled by the effect of being as clearly displayed as a TV in a cheap Spanish hotel, nevertheless caused Guglielmo to stand dangerously rigid, a hand wavering near his hip. Kochanski decided to step in before anybody said anything fatally stupid.
"Jim has gone, Guglielmo, and Kryten with him. Do you have any way of contacting him so that we can negotiate for his return?"
Both Lister and Guglielmo spared a moment from glaring at one another to stare at her. Then both started at once,
"Krissie, this smegger's ... us up right... moment we landed. He's ... deep with Speed and …. won't get a ….. beat it out of him!"
"I am sure there has been some kind of misunderstanding, I will of course contact him and we will resolve this right away. Please leave all matters to me, I feel responsible for recommending him and will do all I can to ensure you have your mechanoid or a suitable replacement as soon as..."
"Stop it! Both of you! Guglielmo, please contact him and explain that we wish to discuss matters and try and arrange a meeting place. In case he doesn't respond, we will need to find out where he's gone. We'll head back to our craft and see if we can trace him. Please excuse us."
With the last words, she grabbed the Cat and started pulling him away towards the outside. He made a feeble yowl of protest before seeing her expression and sullenly skulking in her wake. Before she had gone more than a few paces, Guglielmo had caught up and was tugging on her sleeve.
"Cara mia, don't do this. Don't just walk out of my life. I have waited a thousand years for you and now you run from me for nothing but...Well, you are mistress of your own heart and I can deny you nothing. I beg of you to let me join you. Give me an hour to settle my affairs and I will travel with you, to wherever you go among the stars."
Kochanski realised her mouth was open and she shut it, hoping her hands weren't trembling. She stared into his piercing blue eyes, calm and entreating but with the weight of centuries on them. As she allowed herself to really look into that patient gaze for what felt like the first time, it was as if she felt her heart constrict in her chest, a fist of uncertainty knotting her stomach, she wasn't sure if she didn't gasp in shock. Colpo di fulmine, one of the most worn of all the clichés the Italians gave the world. The Thunderbolt that sends you sprawling in the face of the raw emotion elicited by just the look of another person, but she couldn't deny that she felt it now. Again.
Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded. The Cat looked on, nodding approval and storing mental notes. As Guglielmo smiled broadly and embraced her, it was Lister who she saw over his shoulder.
There was no rage, no tears. His look was shadowed, haunted. She felt her tears beginning to form even as he gave a half smile that didn't touch his eyes, the look he gave her fond but resigned to his fate.
She gripped Guglielmo hard and squeezed her eyes shut, letting a man who she couldn't trust smooth her hair and whisper endearments while she wept for the man she couldn't love.