CHAPTER FORTY SIX REMEMBRANCE

The characters, places and situations of Doc Martin are owned by Buffalo Pictures. This story makes no claim of remuneration or ownership, nor do I make any attempt to infringe upon any rights of the owners or producers.

Thank you for reading. Your reviews and comments are most appreciated.

CHAPTER FORTY SIX

I remember Mr. Slater being a very nice person who seemed to enjoy our company. The trip to Portwenn took three days and thankfully the sea was calm. Even at that my tummy was uneasy most of the time. Louisa was not troubled at all and in fact, calmed by the rolling sea, slept more than usual. One night however she did not sleep well and woke up after midnight. I finally took her up on the deck and could not believe what I saw. The sky was white with stars and even my little girl seemed awed by the sight. She was mesmerized by this bright blanket covering us. Mr. Slater startled me as he came up the stairs.

"You can see it a thousand times and it always leaves you...well leaves you like you're probably feeling right now. I've been wonderin', why are you and Terry going to Portwenn?"

"We needed to leave Liverpool. Terry told me you knew some farmers in Portwenn and that he might be able to find work with them. Why are you going to Portwenn?"

"I'm going to visit Phil and Joan Norton, the farmers I told Terry about. Summer's a busy time so there might be work for him. They have a vegetable farm and raise some animals. It's a bit of a gamble for you two, isn't it?"

"I want to be with my husband so we'll make the best of it. It looks like Louisa has gone back to sleep, so we'll headin' back to bed now. Thank you for letting us travel with you."

"The pleasure's mine, Sweetheart. Good night. I think I'll stay up here a bit longer."

And so it was that John Slater introduced us to Phil and Joan Norton and they introduced us to Mr. Pratt, their neighbor. Between them they did keep Terry busy through the summer. The Norton's invited us to stay with them at first. We needed a place and it was close to the work. We were in a small room upstairs where Mrs. Norton said her nephew stayed when he came to visit. On a table in our room was a large book with pictures of beautiful butterflies. Louisa so loved for me to show her that book. It became a nightly ritual.

The problem was privacy. There were two issues, very squeaky bed springs and the fact that we are loud lovers; well at least I am. We finally put a blanket on the floor. Joan, as she asked me to call her, liked to be with Louisa so Terry and I found a secluded spot amongst some trees and took walks as often as we could without seeming obvious. It was a beautiful place by the pond and a good distance from the house. I know now we were fooling no one. In fact Joan confided that even with the whole house to themselves they used to go down by the pond to be "frisky", as she put it.

I could tell Joan was happy for us. Remembering all of this brings to mind a long conversation with her one afternoon when the men were in the field. I had seen her with tears earlier and wondered what troubled her.

"Mrs. Norton, I saw you crying when you were with Louisa. Is something wrong? Is she okay? Would it be better if we weren't here?"

"First Ellie, let me remind you to call me Joan. And no, don't ever think you are not welcome. Phil and I are happy to have you here. And your daughter is the best thing that has happened to this house in a long time. She's a precious little poppet."

"But why are you upset? You were crying."

"Oh Ellie, I don't know what to tell you. You see, I can't have a baby. We tried and tried and nothing ever happened. The worst of it is that Phil thinks it's his fault and all I can say is that our bed is a quiet one. It all makes me very sad. I can't change anything now but I can love your Louisa, if you'll let me."

"Seems like our being here just makes things worse."

"No Ellie. I was sad before you came. Phil and I are both very glad that you and Terry are here. Phil loves your little girl too. Can't you see his face light up when she sits on his lap? I know you will want a place of your own but you stay here as long as you need to. Thing is there isn't much work in the winter. Maybe you'll go back to Liverpool."

"I don't think we can go back now. Terry owes some money and there are problems. The only reason we came to Portwenn was because Terry met Mr. Slater and he was coming here. Oh Joan, I miss my mum and dad, but we're married so we'll have to figure something out."

"You are here and you have this sweet child. You will do what couples do and make the best of it. We'll introduce you to Jory and Jenifer Davies. Jory works at the quarry in Delabole, and that's year-round work."

"Joan, don't get me wrong. I love my Terry. We are happy together and he makes me laugh. I hate it when he clams up and won't talk. Maybe that's just how men are"

"Let me tell you Ellie, men want to think they're in control. They want to be in charge and make us think everything is okay even when it isn't. Don't you believe it when they tell you men are the stronger sex. That's just pish posh. Manhood hangs by a slender thread. Sometimes you will have to be the strong one, mark my words."

Turns out that we stayed in Portwenn a long time. Not sure why but time gets by and it became our home. Joan became a person I talked to if I needed advice and was like a grandmum to Louisa. We found a small three room house that suited us and that we could afford. Terry did find work at the Delabole Slate Quarry and for a time worked with Mr. Grogan on his fishing boat when his son moved away. It was easy for me to mind children and that gave Louisa playmates.

There's one thing about a small village. You can live in one a long time, but if you weren't born there you'll never be an insider. There are always subtle reminders that you're not one of them. My best friend was Jory's wife Jenifer. She was from London where she had met her Jory when he was in the military. She followed him to Portwenn and knew how I felt. Her little boy was Louisa's age and she had a daughter two years older. I remember a conversation we had one afternoon when I was really missing being in Liverpool.

"Jen, how can you keep living here? You're from London. I'm from Liverpool. We're city girls. Do you think you'll ever get back?"

"Ellie, I know how you feel, but we are with men from small villages and I think they like that better than the city. Jory thinks there are too many problems in the city and he doesn't want to have his family there. It was in the city he got into trouble with his drinking. He doesn't go to the pub because he knows where that will end. I have to say too, Ellie, Cornwall is a beautiful place. It's fresh and not stuffy like London. I believe this is where we will stay. I really hope you do too.

"I want to ask you something, and not to offend, but why do you smoke?"

"What makes you think I smoke?"

"It's obvious. You smell like smoke, your clothes and hair. They tell the tale Ellie.

It's not good for Louisa to be around it. Why do you do it?"

"Terry doesn't like it so I don't do it around him. And don't worry I don't do it close to Louisa. I started when I was a teen and can't stop. It does calm me a bit when I'm upset."

"It's a bloody nasty habit, and a shame you can't quit."

"Hey Jen, I have an idea. The weather is fabulous right now. Talk with Jory and I'll talk with Terry and let's plan to take a picnic up on the cliffs tomorrow."

"That sounds good to me. The children will really enjoy running and playing up there. Let's just tell the guys it's planned."

Being with Jenifer made me wish I had a sister. It made me think Louisa needed a sister. Jennifer and Jory had two so why not us? Sadly it was never to happen. When Louisa was almost three I was pregnant briefly but lost it and I never got pregnant again.

It's a problem when you have one friend and they have more than one friend. Over time Jennifer and I spent less time together. Too, she had Jory's family and mine was a world away in Liverpool. I knew other mums, especially when Louisa started school, but no one was a friend.

I even talked less to Joan although she never stopped dropping by to see Louisa. Sometimes she would let Louisa ride around with her or spend a morning at the farm. Loulou would excitedly tell me of gathering eggs with "Auntie Joan" or that "Uncle Phil" let her help with a lamb.

Terry always stopped at the pub after work and I wondered if he didn't prefer the company of those blokes to me. It probably wasn't true, but that's what I thought. All of it made me lonely and dissatisfied with the life we were living.

One evening after we had supper Terry was playing with Louisa and it just made me feel worse. One thing was certain. Louisa was a daddy's girl. She was always glad when he was around and he liked her sitting on his lap or their taking a walk to buy a sweet. I was with her every day but we we were not as close as I wished we could be and became less so when she began school. I had to be the firm one with our daughter and her dad could simply indulge her. It still doesn't seem fair.

We were always close on funds and for a long time I didn't know why. I suppose Terry's closed-mouth approach to that and other things sowed the seeds that led to our drifting apart. He just wouldn't talk. It didn't happen all at once but over time the happy we had known was not there. I wanted it but I don't know if Terry even felt it. How could I get the happy back again?

I'll never forget the winter night when Terry said he had to go out. It was after nine o'clock and I asked why. He just said not to worry, that he would be back in a bit. Never mind what he said. I did worry. In about an hour there was a loud knock on the door. When I opened it there were two big men in heavy coats with knit caps pulled low. Their look frightened me. The one closest to the door said, "We need to see Terry."