CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT REMEMBRANCE

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CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

Why was the light on in my house? I know it wasn't on when I left for the pub over an hour ago. Could Louisa have awakened, or was there something else? The uncertainty I felt about this was not good.

Louisa is a very sound sleeper. Once she's down for the night, she never wakes up until morning. I often have to rouse her to get ready for school. Minding children all day gives me so little time to be with friends. I have taken to slipping out and having a pint or two at The Crab and Lobster. Louisa is ten now and it doesn't seem that risky to leave her. Telling her would only worry her so I slip out and slip back in with no problem. I have no illusions that this is a secret to the village. Every window has eyes and every cobblestone has ears in this town. No, people well-know my comings and goings. I'm guessing they think I am a pretty crap mum.

Terry is gone much of the winter now working on the oil platforms and it's lonely. Life is calmer without him here, but it's still lonely. Why can't it be like before? We loved more and fought less. We used to laugh. We don't laugh any more. When Terry drinks too much we have loud rows. He would never raise a hand to me, but I hate his gambling and drinking. We try to hide all this from Louisa, but I know she is troubled by it all.

I remember too well the day Terry returned from the quarry only two hours after he left for work. I had just sent Louisa off to school when he walked through the door. I knew from the look on his face that something was wrong. My worried response was

instant.

"Terry, what happened? What's wrong? Why are you home now?"

"Ellie, the quarry laid-off over half the workers this morning. They said we can come back in the spring but orders are down and they have to cut production."

Terry is always there with the easy answer, but not this morning. I could tell this had thrown him a bit.

He sounded defeated. My response was predictable.

"What will we do? We can't survive without your earnings, Terry. You said you could maybe work on the fishing boats."

"El, I only told you that so you'd give me the money. Fishermen don't need help in the winter. Many days they can't even go out. The seas are just too rough. Look, I am going to the pub and sort this."

"Bloody hell Terry, you can't sort this with a pint. Likely several pints. You'll just leave me here after this news and go off."

"Maybe I can talk with my mates there and see what they're going to do. I'll find a job some way Ellie. I will. I'll find a job."

I don't know how it happened, but Terry returned with a job. When he returned his whole look had changed. He came through the door with a bag of fish and chips and smiling.

"Ellie, you won't believe it. I met a bloke, name of Clive, at the pub. He works on the oil rigs and said he was sure the rig he was on would hire at least ten of us. We'll have to leave in a week."

If having some brass and food and a house is sweet, then I suppose this had some sweet to it, but it was mostly bitter. Oil platforms are a dangerous place to work, especially in winter.

And it has to be bloody cold and miserable. The worst is that Terry would be gone two months at a time with only a week off in between. I knew I should be grateful that he was willing to do this. Terry was known to avoid hard work if he could. At least he didn't offer to support us playing cards at the pub.

So for three years it has been the same. The quarry slows down and quite a few of the men work on the oil rigs. Mary Flannigan calls us the winter widows.

So when I entered my house that winter night returning from the pub my fears were realized. It wasn't good. My neighbor, Mrs. Trune, was sitting at the kitchen table with Louisa who had a bandage on her head.

"Hello Eleanor. Louisa woke up and went looking for you. She slipped on the wet street and fell against the stone wall by my house. Lucky I was looking out the window before turning out the light. Took quite a lick to her head, she did, and her leg is bruised."

"Oh, Mrs. Trune. I do thank you. Louisa, you shouldn't have gone out. It's too cold and wet."

"But Mummy, I woke up and you were gone. I was afraid and had to find you."

I was at a loss for words because I know I should not have left her alone and not told anyone. In fact that is what my neighbor said as she left.

"I'll be off now and leave you to sort this. I think Louisa'll be fine. Her hurts are minor, but I do think a bit painful. I gave her a paracetamol. Eleanor, if you go out, let me know and I'll

look in on Louisa."

I took that as a rebuke because one, I felt guilty, and two, I didn't want to tell people what I was doing. That's none of their business. Something that was so simple now was complicated.

I knew too that I wouldn't hear the criticism, but the looks would say, "Men can go to the pub at night, but a mum cares for her children." Yes, I was definitely a crap mum in their eyes.

I wasn't trying to get away from a difficult child. In fact Louisa was very good and wanted to please. She is the best one thing Terry and I ever did. She made good marks in school and had friends. I could tell by the way the villagers talked to her that they liked her. Of course she was always special to Joan Norton, her Auntie Joan.

I would not give up my night out so my solution was to have Louisa stay with a friend, mainly on week-ends. Since Jory was also working in the oil, this was quite often with my friend Jennifer. Her daughter was two years older but they seemed to really get on together.

One night I went to drop Louisa with Jennifer and never made it to the pub. Going out on that night was stupid, I know, but I hated being home alone. Opening the door drove pellets of freezing rain into our faces. We managed the two blocks over the cobblestones with difficulty and arrived at Jennifer's. Once inside Jennifer insisted I sit for a minute.

"Ellie, you're not going back out in this storm just to go to that bloody pub. Sit down and we'll have a cuppa. At least do that. Why did you even get out on a night like this?"

"Oh, Jenn, I just hate being home alone at night. The pub is good for some talk and a few laughs. And you know it's funny but those blokes treat me proper like. One night this bugger, he's not from around here, well he starts to get fresh with me. You shoulda seen how quick Mike McGregor and Old Sam put 'im in his place. A sight to see I tell ya. It was a sight to see."

"But Ellie something's changed. It's not bad to have a pint at the pub. I know that, but you're different. You don't seem happy anymore. We used to be like sisters and I don't feel that. You told me once you felt that way. What's changed?"

"Everything's changed. Just everything. Don't you miss Jory? All winter for three years our husbands are gone."

"Yes, El, I miss him terrible. I hate it, but it's what life has dealt us right now and we just have to muddle through and make it. Just a week and the guys will be back for a bit."

I started to tear up at that point and said, "Yes and I want Terry back, but you know what? When he comes back I know we will argue. He drinks more than he used to and we yell at each other."

"Ellie, seems to me you drink more than you used to, aye?"

"None of this is good for my Loulou. I think I'm just a crap mum."

"Eleanor Glasson, don't say that. You are not a crap mum. You take care of Louisa and you love her. I can tell you she loves you and she worries about you. She asked me last week why I thought you don't smile."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her you do love 'er, but that mums and dads sometimes have a lot on their mind and it makes smiling hard. I told her never to doubt you love her."

"Jenn, I want to get away. Maybe I could just go back to LIverpool."

"Wait." You mean leave Terry? No, you can't mean that."

"Jenn, I don't know what I mean. Dad called me and said mum has to go in hospital for an operation. I think I need to go see them."

"I'm sorry Ellie. Look Louisa can stay here and I can mind the two children you are caring for now. Why don't you take a week and go. You need to see your mum and dad. You're their only kid. And El, tell me your troubles but spare your parents. Sounds like they're in a hard place right now."

"Jenn, what would I do without you. You're such a good friend."

"Remember, Ellie, you're my friend too. One time you said you felt like we were sisters.

I want it to be like that again."

No pub on that blustery night. Safe in a warm house. We talked long and late. Finally after the children had gone to sleep we went to bed. Lying next to Jennifer was a comfort. I squeezed her hand and simply said, "Thank you."

I could hear her breathing deeply. I couldn't sleep. Tears slowly coursed my cheeks.

Given the choice I preferred the storm outside to the storm inside me."