Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders or the song "You"

You don't want me, no. You don't need me. Like I want you, oh. Like I need you. And I want you in my life. And I need you in my life. You can't see me, no. Like I see you. I can't have you, no. Like you have me.

It's like a silent movie. The dull, black and white ones. There's not even any subtitles. Everything is going so slow and I want to scream. There's no fast-forward, pause, or delete. It replays over and over again at different showings. None of them I enjoy.

My room has become a dark hole that I can't stand to go into. It's infected and each time I enter, I get infected. It's sticky and dark and even my bed hurts to lay on. All my pictures and art are faded and running down the walls. It's all black.

I'm on the couch, watching a documentary Pony's more interested in instead of doing his homework like Soda told him to do. His hands are glued to a bowl of stale chips and his crunching is so loud it's unbearable.

Kathy's singing pierces my ears along with the chewing. She's doing the dishes and she has the windows open like she's Snow White and we're all the dwarfs. Pony's Dopey and I guess I'm Grumpy. The only difference is there's no prince to save us.

My whole body feels foreign to me. My own skin makes me panic and want to bathe. I can't get free from it and I can feel it like it's a bug that's eating a little bit of me at a time and soon, I'll just be a dust pile on the floor.

"Hey, Pone, Dan, you wanna help me and Steve build this ramp?" Soda sticks his head in the door.

Pony races outside and picks up a hammer. My body is stuck to the couch so I can't move. "Maybe in a minute."

Kathy comes into the living room a few minutes later. I'm on the floor now and she's sitting behind me. She pulls my hair back and brushes through it gently. She runs the brush through each end over and over again.

"Can I see your ring?" I ask and she takes it off and gives it to me.

"He did a good job, huh?"

It's my mother's. It didn't make any sense to be buried with the ring. She always said she'd give it to the first one who got married. We all knew it'd be Darry. My bet was on Soda and Sandy first. It's always been in Mom's jewelry drawer. They all forgot it was there except me. I used to take it out a lot and practice modeling it on my finger. I knew I'd never get it. I always knew one of my brothers would but it didn't stop me from admiring it.

I put it on my ring finger and hold it out like I used to do. The diamond is small and simple but I always liked the way it sparkled when you held it out. The gold band was my favorite part. It didn't look a day old.

"He's looking for new jobs already," she says. "He's found a couple he likes. He's thinking about going to the community college while working as a secretary or something. He's being really good about this whole situation. You know he's going to be a big baby though about the wheelchair until he gets used to it."

I nod, still playing with ring. I used to play dress up with it all the time. Pony and I played house a lot. Sometimes he refused to be my husband so I had to recruit a new one like Johnny or sometimes Two-Bit on a good day.

"You should have seen him trying it out yesterday." She laughs and starts playing with another strand of hair. "He was getting so aggravated. He was running into everything. He's not very good at working it. I don't think he's ever not been good at something. That's what frustrated him the most I think.

"When are you going to do it?" I ask quietly. "Have you thought about a date?"

She lets out a breath of air. "I haven't even told my parents. Though I can imagine they won't be so thrilled about the idea. I don't know. I've always wanted to get married in the summer. Do you think that's too soon?"

"No." Nothing is ever too soon in this family. "I've never thought the date mattered. You know you're going to get married by that point. Might as well go for it while you've still got the time."

"I take it you don't want a big wedding then?" She smirks.

I shrug. "I've thought about it. I guess maybe I would. A part of me thinks it'd be romantic just to do it on a spur of the moment kind of thing, ya know? Like bam, engagement, bam, wedding."

"Hmm." She twists the end of my ponytail around her fingers. "That's one option. Wouldn't you want your family there?"

"I don't have a big family," I remind her. "I'd invite them, yeah. We'd go to a little church and get married and have a family dinner and we'd go off to somewhere romantic. Small and simple."

She takes a moment to picture it. "I think that fits you. I don't want a big wedding either. I do want a wedding party full of bride's maids and groom's men. A dinner afterwards and some cake. Just something small with flowers."

Kathy loves flowers. Since she moved back, it's like a garden in here. She should get up with Peter's mom sometime.

After hours of sitting and listening to the cursing coming from the porch, I get up and head into the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Randy? Hey! It's Danni."

"Oh. Hey, Dan. How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you? How's that boarding school?"

"It's good. I've made some friends and all. It's just weird actually living at your school. I miss my mom."

I pull a chair over and push it against the wall. I sit down and press the phone up to my ear. It's good to hear his voice, one I haven't heard in months. "Met any girls?"

He laughs. "Some, yeah. How's things in Tulsa? Is Marilyn doing ok?"

"She's doing better. She cut all her hair off. I think she likes it though."

"Oh."

I wonder if he thinks about her a lot. Like on rainy nights when the TV's out and there's nothing to do but sit in bed and think. I wonder if he thinks about the way it ended. What she's doing at that very moment in time. If she's thinking about him too and if she's sorry, wishing things were different and they could pick the phone up and talk.

"Um," he says, pulling the conversation back. "Any reason why you called, Dan?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok," I say softly. "I know you had a rough year. I just needed to know you were ok."

There's a short pause in the phone call. "Yeah. Yeah I'm ok. It was a tough year for you. I mean you knew Sam and Michael too. I heard about Dally. I'm sorry. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," I lie. "Sam and Michael weren't my best friends though."

He sighs. "I know. Some days are better than others. I know neither of them were good guys but they didn't deserve to die. I try to remember good times, ya know? That one summer when all of us were friends."

"I remember."

"Hey, look, I have class in ten."

I don't ask why he had class at five on a Friday. "Oh. I guess you should get going then."

"It was nice talking to you though."

"Yeah you too. Hey, Randy?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry...for everything you went through. It...It shouldn't have happened that way and I'm so sorry."

"It's wasn't your fault. I'll talk to you later, Danni."

"Wake up!"

"Go away."

"Wake up! I smell pancakes! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

He continues to jump on the bed. I rotate over, taking my pillow with me and covering up my ears. It does smell good downstairs. Darry's due back today too and we're all going out to dinner tonight.

Ponyboy takes a break to catch his breath. He reaches over and pokes me in the side. "You can't sleep your birthday away. C'mon! I bet Soda made bacon too. Jennie's here too. I can hear them."

"Why is she here?" I ask.

His body falls against mine and he lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "I think she stayed here. They were up late talking when I went to bed. Maybe she just fell asleep."

"Maybe."

It does make me wonder though, and that's part of the reason why I decide to wake up. Soda and Jennie have been dating for months now and still have not consummated the relationship.

"What's going on with you and Soda?" I ask. The day of Darry's surgery they didn't speak much to each other. Soda's side more than Pony's. He had made an effort yesterday with the ramp but I can still tell there's some tension.

Pony shrugs, still in the same position beside me on the bed. "He said he'd talk to me about it after today. He wants Darry to be there though and for me to tell him everything."

"What is the whole story, Pone?"

He gets up off the bed, crawling past me to do it. "I'm hungry, come on."

I swing my feet over the side of the bed. I stretch out and yawn. The sun is out and it's warm. It feels good today. "You're ok though, right Pony? Nothing's going to happen to you, right?"

He gives me a genuine smile and I buy it. "Yeah. I'm good. Now come on! We're seventeen!"

Pony was right and Soda's in the kitchen with pancakes. Soda has always taken birthdays seriously and this is just tradition that he does for all of us. There's a large plate of purple and blue pancakes on the table with orange juice and Jennie.

So she did sleep here. Hmmm.

"Happy birthday babies!"

I turn around to find myself caught between two big arms in a double hug. He's showered and washed his hair. It's not a wet dog smell like usual either. It's fruity and clean...and some of it's coming from Jennie's wet hair too.

After the embrace, Soda cranks up the radio and seats us.

"Do you feel any different?" Jennie asks, sipping on her coffee. I observe her and she looks tired, like she didn't sleep much. She's wearing Soda's old workout clothes, not bothering to hide the fact that she slept here.

"No," I answer. "Seventeen seems like a useless birthday anyway. At fifteen you get your learner's permit, sixteen you drive, eighteen you get to a legal adult. Seventeen is just one step closer to legal adulthood though!"

Pony doesn't waste any time digging into the feast. Soda even sits down with us and it's the first time in ages that we've all sat down and eaten together. They talk about Darry coming home and dinner and Jennie and I talk about being glad we have the whole week off of work.

After breakfast, Soda and Pony went back to work on the ramp. Darry was due home at four and he needed some way to get in the house. I frankly could not wait to see him, even if he was going to be in a chair.

With Pony and Soda outside, it left Jennie and I alone for a minute.

"So last night..." I start the conversation off.

She grins, shaking out her hair with her fingers. "Don't get to excited. Susie was at a sleepover and Soda and I stayed up to talk and I was too tired to drive home so I slept here."

"In his bed?"

"It's not the first time we shared a bed. Remember Florida?"

How could I not? Four nights of sharing a bed with Two-Bit. That's just something you can't forget.

"I have a question for you."

"What?"

"So Soda calls me the other morning. He says he can't find you. That you went out late and didn't come home and he's freaking out. Then you just show up at the hospital. I mean, I was glad to cover for you, but where were you?"

I dry off the last dish, putting it back into the cabinet. Soda wants the house to be spotless when Darry comes home. "It was so stupid Jennie. I was so stupid."

She doesn't sigh or take a minute to think. "What does Dally think about it?"

"He's angry with me. He has a right to be. I went to him. But my God, Jennie. I just can't! I can't forget everything from this past year. I can't forget all the lies. I just...I can't do this!"

I catch my breath. My chest is tightening. My vision blurs around the edges.

"I hate it here. I hate Dale. I hate Dally. I hate this town! I hate everything about this place. I-" My voice breaks out.

She finishes up the dishes and hands me the rest to dry. "Soda and I are taking a trip soon. At the end of April which is like a week away. Right before your exams start. We're taking a road trip to Galveston Island. You should come."

As much as I'd like to go to Texas for a week and get away from Dale and Dally, spending a week with my brother and his girlfriend on their romantic trip doesn't exactly sound like the way to do it.

"Thanks, but I don't want to be the third wheel. I was thinking of driving up to this place my parents used to take us. I've got some money saved and if I can borrow the truck, I could sleep in it."

She flicks up an eyebrow. "Do you think Darry will let you do that?"

"I need to get away. From this town, from Dally, even from him. It's been tough since Christmas, Jen. Everyday I'm in this town is just another day people are talking about me and I'm so sick of people talking about me! I'm sick of finding out more and more lies someone who was supposed to love me, told me. I'm sick of trying to figure something out I never will. I'm sick of seeing his face and this town and all the memories we have here. I just...I can't do it."

Her touch is soft, not foreign or cold like many I've felt lately. She strokes my arm as I lean over the sink to catch my breath and cry. "It's your birthday. Enjoy today. I'll help you leave."

I come up. "You will?"

"You need some time to think on your own. I think you were pretty damn stupid to do what you did the other night, but I understand how much you're hurting. This thing going on with Dally though, it's none of your business. Who cares anymore? Blow it off. Forget about Dale and whatever is going on there. Just forget it! If you go, don't you dare think about it."

It's easy to agree. It's just hard to listen.

This may not be my business. It didn't start out that way. Either way, I feel in the middle, and whether I like it or not, I'm involved. This is my business. Because it may be my fault two people are dead...by the hand of someone I loved.

Darry doesn't look like himself. He's lost muscle since he got sick but he swears he's going to gain it all back and then some. He's also vowed to go to school and put up with his chair without complaining too much.

He's had an oppifiany, as he calls it. He says that if Soda can go through life covered in scars, he can go through in a chair. He's always cared about what people think of him, but he says he's competitive, and if Soda can do it, he was going to.

"My old football coach same to see me today," he says at dinner.

He insisted on this dinner. It's an Italian place down town and it's not our normal price but he says today's special.

"What did he say?" Soda asks, slurping up noddles and splashing sauce all over his face.

"He offered me a job. He heard about my surgery. He said he was sorry and that there was a position open to be an defensive coach and he thought of my name first. He said I can do it in my chair too. I told him about the school thing and he said I could do school in the day. He wants me to get my teaching degree and come to the school to work."

Everyone nods and chews their food faster so they can congratulate him and for the first time since he got sick, he looks really happy. It's not fake and if he wasn't Superman, he'd be crying right now.

"Darry," Jennie clears her throat. "Danni was talking to me today about something and I think she should do it."

He turns to me. "Oh, what?"

I put my fork down. I'd practiced my speech in the mirror before I got here. "I was thinking, um, that I would take a road trip to that place Mom and Dad used to take us in the country. I could use your truck and camp out. I'd only be gone for a little while. It'd be a quiet place to study for exams."

Even a proposition like this doesn't stop him from eating in-between words. "You'd go alone?"

"Yeah."

"It'd be a spiritual thing," Jennie steps in, seeing Darry's reluctance. "Like her being one with nature and her environment. I've done lots of trips like that. It's really great for focusing and studying. I think it'd be good for her."

He shrugs, spinning a fork around his pasta and taking a big bite. "Ok. I guess that'd be ok. Can you miss school?"

Did he just say ok? He said ok. "I haven't missed but one day this semester."

"You'd take my truck?"

I nod, not sure if he's actually buying this. But he is? Isn't he? He's buying this! "I'd fill it up before I brought it back."

"Ok. When are you going?"

"In a week?"

"Ok. Yeah, that sounds fun."

Jennie winks at me, taking a sip of her beer.

So this is what it is. I was going to the country on my own. Just me and the truck and the radio. I'd take a few books to read and a few texts books to hold up my promise on studying. I'd lie in the bed of the truck and look up at the stars at night and play the radio loud. I wouldn't think about anything but Abraham Lincoln and Holden Caulfield.

After dinner came cake and gifts. We didn't expect much. With medical bills and Darry not working, the restaurant would have been enough of a gift but Darry insisted on us unwrapping something.

Pony got some new socks and his own copy of Lord of Flies - his new favorite. I got tights (Kathy noticing my good pair was also the ones with holes at the knees), and hair clips.

Darry also insisted on us walking home. It was more of a walk than anyone wanted to do.

"What are those?" Pony points to the vase sitting in front of the door on the porch. "Are those flowers?" He runs up there and the rest of us follow. "It doesn't say who it's from but they're for Danni."

He hands me the little card that's attached. They're roses. Red roses. There's a dozen of them all neatly packed in a glass vase. Happy Birthday, Danni.

"Who do you think they're from?" Kathy asks, picking them up and smelling them. "I love roses! They are so beautiful. Oh wow, one of them is black? A black rose? Is that marker? What do you think that means? Who would send these?"

It isn't the long walk that's winded me.

"You can have them," I say, going inside and heading to my room. I take one rose with me, pressing the thorn against my finger as I go into my room and sit in front of the door.

Blood eventually coats the rose, making it red again. It covers the black peddles as I pluck each one out until it's just a stem. The peddles lay around me on the floor. Black and evil they lay. Death represents the black. Love represents the red.

Death and love. Love, then death.

Love. Love. Love. You can't feel me, no. Like I feel you. I can't steal you, no. Like you stole me. And I want you in my life. And I need you in my life. La la la la. La la la la.

A/N: The next chapter is one of my favorites. Again, big chapter.