CHAPTER FIFTY REMEMBRANCE

The characters, places and situations of Doc Martin are owned by Buffalo Pictures. This story makes no claim of remuneration or ownership, nor do I make any attempt to infringe upon any rights of the owners or producers.

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CHAPTER FIFTY

I didn't have the cash for a taxi so was breathless when I entered the Royal Liverpool. Taking the lift to the surgical floor, and hurrying to the waiting area I could see a person with his hands covering his face, his arms on his legs. The blue jacket told me it was Dad and my heart sank. As I reached him I placed a hand on his back and cried, "Dad, what's wrong? What about Mum?"

He looked at me with red eyes. "Ellie, something happened. The doctor said surgery went well, but something happened and your mum didn't make it. She died Ellie. My Roberta is gone. She's gone." With that he began weeping again and I hugged him with my own tears flowing unabated.

The doctor explained to me later that night that Mum had experienced an aortic aneurysm, and even though she was in one of the best hospitals in England they couldn't save her.

I already felt as if my world was falling apart and this was more than I could endure.

The hardest thing was watching Dad. The next week went by in a whirl. I had called Jennifer and of course she was willing to carry on in my absence and help Louisa. The flat saw a constant flow of people coming to visit or bring food. It was obvious that Mum and Dad had many friends. Many of them were at the funeral at Our Lady church where I had grown up.

One evening dad and I were alone and I received a call from Jennifer.

"Ellie, it's Jenn. Listen, Louisa is quite upset and you need to talk with her."

"Mummy. Oh Mummy. Please come home. I don't like you to be away from me.

Ms. Jennifer said Granny died. Why did she have to die?" And while she was weepy to begin with, now I could hear her gulping back great sobs. What could I say to comfort her? Her Granny was gone and there was no changing that, and she would have three more days without me.

"Loulou, I'm so sorry. I have to help your granddad with some things and then I will be home on Thursday. Your sweet Grranny was sick and the doctors couldn't help her.

We're all very sad. Be a brave girl and remember she loved you very much."

I felt helpless and decided to call Joan Norton. Louisa loved her Auntie Joan and this would help relieve Jennifer. Joan agreed to keep Louisa at her farm until I returned.

The talk with Louisa opened a difficult conversation with Dad. I felt the need to stay with him but I could not remain in Liverpool.

"Dad I don't want to leave you. Couldn't you just come be with me in Portwenn?

Ellie, oh Ellie, you know I can't do that. I am still working and besides this is where my mates are. You know I am a Scouser through and through. I wouldn't fit in Cornwall. You and Louisa will have to come see me more, right? You will do that, won't you?"

"Sure Dad, we'll come, but I hate you being here in this flat all alone."

"Well Love, there's nowt else about it is there? My Roberta's gone."

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Terry returned in May to full work at the quarry. When you're having troubles to begin with it does not really help to live apart. You get used to it and the routine becomes normal. You say you miss a person and yet when they return the adjustments are hard. I managed things perfectly well and in his return Terry wanted to direct me and tell me how to deal with matters, and we had not a few rows about it. He would rather fly than fight so he would nearly always go to the pub. Then when he came home after a few pints, he wanted to fight. I knew this had to stop. It was affecting Louisa badly.

One night while Terry was out I had decided to go to bed and Louisa came in unable to sleep. I was tired and tried to send her back to her room, but she started to cry and say no one really cared about her. That made me change course and I let her into bed with me.

"Mum, why do you and Dad fight so much. I don't like it when you yell at each other.

I'm afraid Dad will go away like Sarah's dad did. I don't want Daddy to leave."

"Louisa, you don't understand grownup problems. Your dad won't leave." How did I know that? Point is, I didn't, but I didn't think he would. He doted on his daughter and I couldn't see him leaving her. I felt guilty having this talk because at odd times of the day my mind would wander to my going to Spain. I wouldn't leave. Oh no! I would just get away for awhile and things would be better when I returned. I finally was able to calm Louisa and told her,

"Don't worry Loulou. Everything will be fine. I promise. Remember, if I'm busy, you can always call your Auntie Joan."

Life became even busier with the May Fete at school and end-of-school activities.

Louisa, being talented, was able to have singing parts in the school productions. I needed some cash for her costumes and knew Terry had received his pay for the week so I asked him for money for Louisa's program.

"Ellie, I'm running a little short. Maybe you could borrow it from someone and I'll pay it in a fortnight."

"But Terry, you were just paid. Why are you short?"

"Never you mind, Ellie. I'll have it in two weeks, OK? I need to run out and'll be back in a bit."

I knew why he was short and I was angry, more angry than to start a row over this one time. It kept happening over and over. He was gambling as he always did. I know he made more on the rig than he sent me over the winter. I took enough from my secret stash for Louisa's costumes, but I'll have to deal with Terry later.

When I was really angry I worked. I cleaned house or baked bread. I had to expend energy. Better than laying into my husband. I was doing the laundry and saw a jacket tossed in the corner and started to throw it into the wash. I saw something sticking out of a pocket and retrieved the coat and pulled out a paper. And there it was. Javier's address in Spain. I had been so busy of late that I hadn't thought much about it, but there it was, a ticket if you please. I quickly hid it in the tin with my cash.

I had not been myself since Mum died. Her dying was a terrible blow. I had been feeling empty inside, but it was much worse. Sleep was hard to come and when it did, it was troubled. Terry would return from work and I often had not turned a hand to prepare supper, which of course did not please him. Jennifer noticed the difference but nothing she said helped. Then on top of it all the two mothers whose children I was minding told me they had made other arrangements.

Louisa seemed very upbeat with her involvement in all the end-of-school activities. She had a beautiful voice and had been chosen to sing two solos as well as be in the chorus. I was surprised one afternoon when she returned from school very upset. It was obvious she had been crying as she hurried by me and straight to her room. I opened her door to ask what was wrong and was not expecting her words, "Go away Mum. Just go away."

"What's wrong Louisa? What happened at school to upset you?"

"The kids say you're not a proper mum. You go to the pub and mums shouldn't do that, they say. What could I tell them? I just went to the bathroom and cried. Do you still sneak out at night, Mum?"

"No Loulou. I do not sneak out at night. I haven't been to the pub since your dad returned."

I am well aware of the gossip mill in this town and I know where the children got their information with which to tease Louisa. People do not hide their looks. I could not have survived this place had it not been for Jennifer's friendship. If I leave, people will say I was lured away, but the truth is I was feeling pushed much more than I was feeling pulled.

Later that same week Terry was upset with me for neglecting matters. I remember his words.

"Ellie, you stayed at Jennifer's so long yesterday Louisa opened some cans and heated our supper. If I work all day you need to tend to this house and family. You know, we would hardly notice it if you weren't here."

"Terry, I'm upset and just don't care anymore. I don't have any friends and you're always at the pub. We fight all the time. Loulou has trouble at school because of us.

She is such a good child. I don't want to hurt her. Why can't you lay off the drink and be home more? Because of your scheming and gambling we barely have money to get by. If you'd stop that we could go visit Dad and have some nice things. It all has to change Terry. It has to change."

Before walking out again Terry said, "Sound like ya want me to do all the changin'"

It ain't so bad I have a pint on the way home. If I earn the money I can decide where it goes. So, you're right Ellie, something has to change."