Tuesday:
"So what's the plan, bro?"
Dirk smiled in amusement at his younger bro's question. It was always pretty funny when Dave got involved in these things.
"Why don't you tell me what you think it is?"
"Okay, knowing you, you're probably gonna lay down some sick beats," Dave began, spinning around on his rotating chair. "Maybe something about puppets. And then I'll burst out and be all like "sup" and she'll say "who's this douchebag?" and then I'll burst into the next part of the rap and blow her mind."
"Dave…"
"C'mon bro, listen to me here. I'll even try one out for you. You ready?"
"Dave…"
"Sweet," Dave jumped to his feet and started his rap. "Yo your name's Jane and you been through some pain but there's a lot to gain if you just listen to my words they're real plain!"
"Dave…"
"See that night with all the rain you helped me find that AJ and I thought that was really fucking great because - "
"Dave," Dirk stood and put his hand over his younger brother's mouth. "Seriously, give it a fucking break. I'm not going to rap to her, okay? Also, the last part of that rap was really shitty. Rhyming rain with AJ with great? You were pushing it."
"Whatever," Dave grumbled, sitting back down and moving to his computer. "You just couldn't handle the beats I was laying down."
Dirk chuckled. "Just like I couldn't handle your "sick" fighting skills?"
Dave picked a spare puppet off the ground and tossed it at Dirk, the small plush bouncing off the older Strider's head. "Fuck you."
"I love you too, baby Bro." Dirk ruffled Dave's hair. "Hey, don't you have a date today or something?"
"Huh?" Dave asked. "Oh yeah, I'm meeting up with Harley at 12. Why?"
"It's 11:55," Dirk replied. "Wherever you want to meet her, it better not be far."
"Shit," Dave jumped from his chair and rushed to the door, grabbing his coat in the process. "We're meeting downtown."
"Yeah, you're not going to make that."
"No shit," Dave snapped, pushing the door open. "Later."
"You're wearing a coat?" Dirk asked. "But it's not even cold outsi -"
The door slammed shut.
"Okay then."
So, Dirk had the whole place to himself for a full hour. He could do anything. He could spend the time catching up on homework, picking the right clothes for meeting up with Crocker, or… wait, Dave's computer was still on. And he was logged into pesterchum.
Dirk smiled.
Over the next hour, several people received pesterchum messages from turntechGodhead. These messages included:
"hey harley, looks like i'm going to miss our date. that's what i get for being a pathetic asshole who doesn't even understand irony. also, my bro is insanely cooler than me. i wish i could reach his levels of irony. spread the word.",
"john. i love you. lots of homo."
"yo lalonde, i've been thinking. it'd be crazy ironic if i decided to spend an hour having you do some of that psycho-analyzing shit to me. you free tomorrow?"
Needless to say, Dirk had done his job.
An hour later…
The more Dirk thought about it, the more he realized that waiting on the roof for Jane wasn't the best idea.
She would probably be looking inside the grocery store, after all, and he didn't think she would even be able to get up here if she did see him. Plus he looked a bit suicidal with his legs dangling off the edge of the building like this. Oh well.
He checked his watch: 1:15. It looked like she wasn't going to be able to make it. He probably should have expected that, in all honesty. Why would she want to see him again? She was a famous rich girl and he was just a guy with some shades and a weird puppet fetish.
"Are you sure that's safe?"
Dirk smiled, not turning to face the newcomer. He knew who it was. "You came."
"Well after your brother's charming proposal, how could I do anything else?"
Jane Crocker stepped into Dirk's field of view, sitting next to him on the edge of the roof.
"Yeah, Dave's not the best at being polite," Dirk chuckled. "But he knew your number, so I let him give it a shot. How bad was he?"
"He could definitely learn a few things from you," Jane replied. "But I guess I should have expected that, huh? You were probably like that at his age."
"Whoa whoa whoa," Dirk held up his hands in alarm. "Let's not go to that extreme, Crocker. I was a lot better than he is, trust me."
"Uh-huh," Jane didn't sound convinced. "So why'd you want to see me, buster? I'm pretty busy, you know."
Dirk shrugged. "Just wanted to talk, I guess. I kinda owe you one after you helped me find that apple juice. Which reminds me…" He rummaged through the backpack he had brought and pulled out a bottle of apple juice. "Thirsty?"
Jane laughed. "Sure, why not?" Dirk tossed the bottle and she caught it with ease. "So, do you come here often?"
"Not really. I don't shop if I can help it. Usually I just order takeout if I have to eat, or something along those lines. But I guess you don't have those kinds of problems, huh?"
"Not really. I can bake just about anything, so I do that. It's fun."
"We have very different definitions of "fun", Crocker."
Jane swatted at him playfully. "So what do you think is fun, then, mister mysterious?"
"Hm, good question," Dirk paused. "I guess I like some things. Building robots, making up raps, leaving the heads of my enemies in courtyards... You know, typical cool kid stuff."
"Leaving the heads of your enemies in courtyards?" Jane raised her eyebrow as she repeated the words. "Is there something you haven't been telling me, Mister Strider."
"I'm afraid there is, your royal highness Crocker," Dirk stared down in a way that he hoped looked regretful. "It turns out I'm secretly an assassin, and not a teenage boy at all. It was all a ruse to set you up for… This!"
With that he tackled her so she was farther from the edge of the roof, making sure only the minimum amount of force was used. "It's over now, Crocker. You've been defeated by a master."
"Oh yes?" Jane asked, a smirk on her face. "How will "the master" defeat the power of my tickle fighting?"
Dirk froze. "You wouldn't."
"I'm afraid I would, master assassin."
"Now let's just slow down for a second, Crocker. Maybe we shouldn't get carried away he - Ah!"
Dirk couldn't help breaking into laughter as Jane tickled him, leaving him utterly helpless and at her mercy. He may be the coolest kid around, but even he was no match against the power of a tickle master.
"No… Jane…" Dirk managed to spit the words out between laughs. "Stop…"
Suddenly there was a bumping noise, as if something had fallen. Dirk opened his eyes to find Jane staring at him, eyes wide with surprise. Her face looked surprisingly bright.
"What is it?" He asked. "What are you looking at?"
Then it hit him. It wasn't just her face that looked bright: it was everything. His shades had fallen off. That had been the bumping noise. And now Jane could see right into his stupid, stupid eyes.
"Shit," Dirk jumped to his feet, grabbed his shades, and rushed to the door that had given him access to the roof. "I have to go."
"Dirk…" Jane began. "Wait!"
He opened the door and rushed through, slamming it behind him.
Elsewhere:
"I've got 'em."
Spades Slick lowered his binoculars as he spoke into his walkie talkie (or "communication device", as he liked to call it).
"You found Jane Crocker?"
"'Course I did," Slick dusted off his trench coat as he talked. "Found someone else with her, too. Some kid with shades."
"What are they doing now?"
"Now? Now they're doing nothing. The kid just left, looked pretty upset. Want me to tail him?"
There was no response.
"Batterwitch?"
"I told you not to call me that, Slick."
"Yeah, whatever. You want me to tail the kid or not? He's getting away."
"Follow him. Bring the rest of the Midnight Crew. Once he gets home, I want you to interrogate him, see what he knows. Make it messy. Throw chairs around, break things, whatever you do. Just make sure he's not conscious when you leave."
"And if he ain't home alone?"
"Kill any witnesses. That's the usual policy, Slick. You know that."
"Alright," Slick said. "I'll tell you when we're done."
He put away the walkie-talkie and adjusted the brim of his hat. He had a job to do, and damn if he wasn't going to do it well. This kid wouldn't know what hit him.