Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders or the song "Under the Water".

A/N: This song is my new favorite. Sorry for yet another Pretty Reckless song.

I apologize for not updating Wednesday or Thursday as promised. As soon as I promised, I received a 12 page paper assignment for my college class. I will try to live up to that promise this week instead.

Anyway, enjoy:

Broken lines, across my mirror. Show my face, all red and bruised. And though I screamed and I screamed, well, no one came running. No I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from it let the water drag you down. Don't let the water drag you down.

Everyone's talking about prom. It's all I hear when I walk through the halls: "Did you get your dress? What color? You're going with him? Who are you going with? Oh my God! I heard the punch is going to get spiked this year as a prank!"

Sarah got her dress last weekend. I know this because Pony asked Darry where a good place to rent a tux was and Soda promised he'd take him this week. It's apparently purple with puffy sleeves.

I should talk to her. Pony's been bugging me enough. I've forgiven him, so I should her too. I've almost forgot what I'm really mad at her about. Johnny's gone. Sadly, I sometimes forget he's not here. When I do though, I get sad and mad.

I make a point to stand in front of her second period before lunch. She's the last one out, slowly gathering up all her books and stuffing them in her overgrown bag.

"Sarah," I say softly, drawing her attention. "A-Are you eating lunch outside today?"

She packs her lunch every day - one sandwich, one pudding cup, one baggy of carrots, and a napkin with a handwritten note by her grandma, telling her to have a good day.

She looks surprised to see me. She lifts up from her things and nods, smiling. "Yeah. Do you wanna go now?"

I follow her around back to the square. The last time I was here was with Peter. It's gotten warmer and most of the Socs had taken over but you can find a few greasers here and there.

We take a seat under the oak tree. She pulls out her lunch and starts eating. We sit in silence for a while.

"So, you excited about prom?" I ask.

She can't help but look excited even though she's nervous about this conversation. "Yeah. Are you going?"

"I haven't decided yet. I'm going out of town right before so I doubt it. I don't have money for a dress or anything."

She sinks her teeth into the peanut butter sandwich. "So what have you been up to? I heard about Peter. I'm sorry. I really liked him. Dally's back though I hear."

I pick around my school lunch salad bowel. "Yeah." I lay my fork down, fed up with the rabbit food. "Look Sarah, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. It's just...Pony's my brother and as his sister, I want to protect him."

"I did a bad thing," she says with her head hung. "I know. I like Pony a lot though. I've tried to apologize to Johnny again but no one knows where he's at. I feel so bad, Danni. I really do. Sometimes I feel like I've made a bad mistake."

"Don't." I shake my head. "Don't do that to yourself, or to my brother."

It's silence again. I know I've offended her but I go back to picking out carrots from my salad regardless.

It's windy out. Today is the first day it hasn't rained. The weather people on TV this morning were talking about how bad it was going to get later this week though.

With the new clear weather, come more people wanting to eat outside.

"I'm sorry," she says again. "I know I've messed up. I just….i thought out of all people you'd understand."

I don't look up from my food. "Understand what?"

"How you can love someone you're not supposed to. How it feels to be in so much pain because you love them and you know it's wrong but you don't know what else to do. I went about it the wrong way. I know this. You were my friend though. You went…or are going through the same thing. I thought you of all people would get it."

I lay the paper bowel down on the ground. It's really beautiful today. The breeze blows through my hair. "Do you wanna come on my trip with me?"

School days seem longer now. We only have three more weeks left before summer. The dance is next weekend. Everyone's going off this weekend. It's only Friday and all the stores downtown are packed.

Pony and I walk home from school today. He's still sorta in trouble so I guess my job is to watch him. Sarah would walk with us but he's been put on hold with that too until otherwise. He's still allowed to go to prom because he already made a promise to Sarah.

I think he's glad he gets to go. Pony likes those kinds of things. I think it's because of Cherry.

"Do you have any homework tonight?" he asks me. He stops to find a rock to kick the rest of the way home.

Both our eyes watch the rock with each kick. "No. You?"

"No. Do you have any plans today or tomorrow?"

I shrug. "I need to pack. I'm leaving Sunday evening. Why?"

He doesn't answer right away. He acts as if he doesn't want to ask. "I was wondering….Are you going to prom? I could find you a date if you want. We could go as a group and get dinner or something?"

There's no date I would want. Still, it interests me why he cares so much. "I dunno, Pone. Do you want me to go?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I think you'd have fun."

"Maybe."

"Tim. We could ask Tim to take you. You guys are still friends, right?"

I know he's being nice and I try not to laugh so it's noticeable. He's trying. I can only imagine what going to prom with Tim Shepard would be like or what it would cause. "I don't think so."

"Curly?"

"Does he even go to our school anymore?"

"He's a senior."

"Oh."

We continue to walk until we get to the start of our road when a faint yelling comes behind us. "Danni!" Both of us turn around. It's Peter running toward us, tripping over himself he's so out of breath. "Danni!"

Once he reaches us, he barrels over and puts his hands on his knees.

"Peter?"

"I...Jesus I need to get in shape!" He coughs until his lungs are full again and he can stand up. "Hey, listen, we need to talk. I don't know if you know, but Dally is real bad. Dale and his boys beat him up yesterday really bad."

Pony's eyes get wide. I watch as they grow, knowing he knows more than I do. "Is he ok? What happened?"

"They beat up some girl. I don't know who but Dally was really pissed about it and-"

I stop him. "Sylvia?"

"Yeah, I think so. But anyway, Dally went to find Dale. He was really pissed. He told Dale he was done working for him and, Pony you know, you don't just quit."

My head darts over to him, wanting an explanation or something, but I don't get anything.

Peter finishes his story as I continue to stare at Pony. "They have some agreement or something Dally's not supposed to back out of. So they said some words and his boys and Dale beat the hell out of him. There was blood everywhere! I've never seen anything like that before. I...He wasn't doing so good."

"Did you call the police?" I snap. "You saw it, Peter. Why didn't you do anything about it?"

He looks to Pony for some help. "Danni, you don't just call the police when something like this happens."

"Why?"

"That's not the point!" His voice gets higher. His hands are shaking. "Listen, I heard what Dale said to Dally. Danni, Dale's going to come after you. That's what the fight was about. Dale has some big plan. I never knew what it was before but it involves getting you. Dale's coming after you. Dally was trying to stop him but..."

I shake my head, I'm done hearing this. "Go away, Peter."

Pony grabs my hand so I can't make the dramatic exit I was hoping for. "Danni, just wait."

"Pony," I say quietly. "Did you ever leave?"

Silence washes over. There's a bird singing in the tree above Johnny's old empty house. The walls have cracked. The roof fell in after one of the storms we had. It's broken. No one's home.

Peter's still with us. He takes a step closer to me. "Danni, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about all this. Did you get my flowers though? I had them sent for your birthday."

"You sent me the flowers?"

"Yeah, why was one of them black?" Pony asks.

His eyebrows go together as he narrows his eyes. "Black? Roses aren't black."

"Someone sprayed it," Pony clarifies, obviously caring too much about the flower that means nothing to him.

I shake my head again. I don't know who I expected sent the flowers. Maybe I was just wishful thinking or hoping my birthday was remembered. "Just forget. Thanks for the flowers, Peter. But I...I just really need to go."

"Danni, I'm sorry!" He runs after me, stopping me again by pulling on my arm. "I'm really sorry. Just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do anything to make you feel differently about me."

"Who is Dale? What is going on? Tell me that."

Both of them sigh and look to the ground. This is the response I get every time. "Danni, you need to get somewhere safe. Look, I can't explain everything, but Danni just listen."

"I said leave!" My throat is one fire. Tears won't to come out so bad it stings. "Go away Peter! Leave me alone! Stay away from me. I don't care! Just leave me alone!"

I shake Pony off, marching home alone by myself.

"Danni, please!"

Alone, with no one around, is when I do my best crying.

"Danielle!"

The sound of my full name wakes me up from my nap. It's dark by now. I figure it's about dinner time but I don't smell any food like normal.

I shake my bed head away and fully sit up on the bed. The sound came from downstairs - Darry's voice. I picture him busting into my room, screaming, but then I realize he can't come up to my bedroom.

I take my time as I get ready to go downstairs. I can recognize Darry's angry voice anywhere.

He's in his chair in the kitchen. "Get in here, now. We gotta talk."

There's this thing with starting a conversation up with that cliché. No one ever knows what to expect. Usually the bad. It's a trick in the conversation to play with your mind and make you worry even before you receive the news. I hated that term, and I promised myself never to use it.

I take a sit, watching my moves so I don't jump too soon and trigger an attack. I'm expecting one anyway, but creatures like him like to play with their food first.

He throws a sheet of paper onto the table aggressively I don't pick it up. I can tell by the color what it is. "So I've been gone so you start to slack? Do you even go to school at all, Danni?"

To the place full of people who hate me and constantly judge me? To where I'm alone with no friends? "I go to school! I'm taking hard classes, remember? I'm sorry about my grades. I'm working on getting them up. I promise."

Ok, that's a lie. My grades have dropped because I'm a junior and it's almost summer and I don't care. I haven't tried to get them up either. I really need to stop lying about stuff. I'm supposed to be the honest one.

"I really hope you are," he says, still obviously angry. "But until then, you're not going on that trip."

My heart sinks. I can't believe what I'm hearing. "Why? Darry, please! I promise they'll come up. You already said yes! I told Sarah she could come with me. I have my bag packed." Ok, that's a lie too, but I'm desperate. "Please don't do this to me."

"Sit down." He points to the chair beside him. His voice is softer so I follow his order. "What is wrong, Danni? You mope around here all day. You never go out anymore. You're sleeping all day long. Do we need to call that theorist you talked to after Angela died? We have the money for it if that's what you need."

I knew that last part was a lie. I saw the bank balance. "I don't need a therapist. I'm ok, Darry."

"I don't believe you. Soda and I have been talking. He says you were getting better and then right after you and Peter ended, you went back to the way you were before. Now I know Dally is back and I know I haven't been around to help you with that and Soda's been busy, but you can't let him dictate your life."

I hated that word. I hated feeling even further beneath Dally. I also hated making Darry and Soda worry when they shouldn't be thinking about me. They had enough problems with bills and work to worry about me.

I sigh. "I just don't want to talk about it, ok Darry?"

"Ok," he says, not accepting the answer but letting it go until later. "You're still not going, Danni."

"What?" I jump out of my seat. "Because I won't tell you what's wrong? That's not far!"

"No, it's because of your grades," he says sternly in a dad voice. "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but you yell at me like that again and I'll knock your head off."

I remain out of my seat. "This isn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair! Look at me! I can't walk, or have you even noticed with your head so far up your ass?"

Soda enters the room, Pony beside him and Kathy. Darry had them go outside to build more ramps but with the yelling, they decided to come back in and see what's going on.

My heart sinks again, but this time I just feel like crying. I had hardly spoken to Darry since after the surgery. While everyone was celebrating him being alive, I was handling my own issues that I created on a night that shouldn't have happened.

I slowly sit back down. "I-I'm sorry. Darry, I-"

"Forget it. It's fine."

"What's going on here?" Soda asks.

I don't want to, but I start to cry. I look down at my hands and try to control my breathing so my body doesn't think I'm sad enough to cry, but it doesn't work. I've been trying that trick all week and it never works.

To even think about crying makes me cry. I don't know what I'm crying about right now. There isn't just one thing.

Darry clears his throat, handing Soda my report card and letting him skim it. "Danni's grades are pretty bad and I told her she couldn't go off on that trip she wanted to take."

Soda gazes up from the paper. His eyes are softer than Darry's but he's obviously a little upset. "Your grades are bad?"

"Yeah," I answer softly. "I just haven't been able to focus I guess."

Darry cross his arms over his chest. "I tired asking her what's wrong but she won't talk to me."

Soda cocks an eyebrow, setting the paper down. "Danni?"

I shake my head, stopping my crying for a second to rub my eyes. "Just...just leave me alone...Please."

"No," he says sternly and strong. "Danni we can't leave you alone. Something's wrong."

Someone to my side shifts to their other foot. "Peter told us something after school," Pony pops up. "He said something happened to Dally."

I want to call someone. Someone who matters. I want to tell her everything that has happened and go across the street to her house and cry to her. I want her to yell at me, to give me advice, and to take care of me.

But that's not going to happen...because she can't hear me. She can't help me. She's dead.

I keep a steady breath. It helps. The doctors said it helped to think about something happy. To calm yourself. "Stop...just stop talking about him. I don't care, ok? I don't care he got hurt."

"Danni," this one's Kathy. "Do you want to go see him? I'll take you to see him."

"She doesn't need to see him," Darry growls a little. "Just don't, Kathy. The best thing for her to do is to stay away from Dallas. We got one kid involved in gang violence, we don't need another."

She pleads with him, "Darry..."

"Just stop treating me like I'm insane!" I shout. "Stop treating me like I'm injured and I need taken care of. I-I'm fine! I don't care about Dally. I don't care about what he does. I don't care about what he did. I don't care that he never loved me. I don't care that he lied to me over and over again for over a year. I don't care that he hurt me. I don't care that he got beat up. I don't care that he was doing it for me. I don't care about Dally! Why can't you understand that?"

Kathy's hand touches mine. Everyone else is just observing. They don't know what to say. Nothing is right so they search their brain for something to take away this silence, but it's Kathy who stops it.

Her hand is soft and smooth. Her ring touches my skin. "Why don't me and you go get some dinner or something?"

"I don't want to talk Kathy," I mumble. "I don't want to talk at all. All I want is to go back. Go back to when nothing mattered, and everything was fine. Back to when I was happy. When I was happy with him."

Darry's voice is raspy and thick. "Danni, this has to stop."

I stand up, shoving my chair under the table. "Excuse me."

"Danni!"

He'd chance after me too if he could. I rush to the only place in the house with a lock.

I can hear a pair of footsteps run up the stairs but they quickly turn to silence as I slide down the door and sit on the cold ground that is the bathroom. Here I don't stop my crying. It can't be stopped.

This pain inside just won't go away.

I say I'm sorry but I don't know what for.

At this point, I'm afraid my own reality. Isn't that the saddest thing? Being afraid of reality over dreams? My feelings are worse. They terrify me. Every bone in my body is telling me that I'm right and to turn away but my heart tells me something else. Isn't that something? After all the pain and sorrow and tears and lies, I can feel this way?

It hurts. It's physical pain. It's a breakdown that never stops. No one understands. I don't understand. I don't understand how I can have these feelings, or how someone can be that important.

Love is bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People lie and people break. Things aren't as they seem. Someone you loved and thought you knew can turn into a different person overnight. Things you never thought they'd do, they did. You didn't know them at all. That hurts.

That person...That person won't go away. And the love sticks. They fight for you. Is all that enough to erase the bad? Or do we all crave that bad, just so we can have the good again?

Is that why I went to Dally that night? To have the good again?

Maybe he is good.

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. There's so many questions unanswered. So many feelings that is too strong that they physically hurt.

It's a shame when you look forward to sleep every day, just so you can escape the reality you've fucked up.

I just want to go back...To go back in time. To fix all this.

Everything shatters. The mirror is thrown to the ground and pieces fly under imperfect cracks. I sit against the wall, wishing I had a cigarette, and think about how fucked up this whole world is. How fucked up everyone is.

How fucked up love is. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. But pain hurts. Pain isn't understood.

I can't handle this. I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all.

Lay my head, under the water. Aloud I pray, for calmer seas. And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me. No, I've never been, I've never been free. No, I've never been, I've never been free. No, I've never been, I've never been free.