AN: FIRST OF ALL MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY.
AN: THIS IS A REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG CHAPTER THATS WHY IT TOOK LONGER TO UPDATE I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT BY THE WAY.
AN: THIS CHAPTER TURNED OUT DARKER THEN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT SO THIS ISN'T REALLY A FLUFF CHAPTER SORRY ABOUT THAT I KNOW I PROMISED FLUFF BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES.
AN: PLEASE REVIEW CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM GREATLY APPRECIATED.
9 Years Without You
By CharmingCharles2896
Chapter 8: The Thunder
17 Days Later
Chuck's Private Estate
2:05 A.M.
It was an unusual occurrence in California it was raining hard, really, really hard as a matter of fact. It had been storming all night and between the storm it self and a trembling Sarah he hadn't slept a wink. She was afraid of the thunder it was clear that was what was causing her anxiety. He new that if he asked she would put up the walls and tell him it was nothing, so he would do what he could do. He would hold her close, wipe her tears and speak soothing words into her ear. Sarah had moved in with him a couple days after they reconnected, they were still working out the kinks but it was coming along. They had buy in large avoided talking about Sarah's 9-year stint with the CIA after she left. They both new they needed to have the discussion about there time apart but neither really wanted to take that plunge just yet, everything was going so good and neither of them wanted to mess things up. There was a load crack of thunder and Sarah's trembling body shook in fear.
"It's okay Sarah I'm right here, I'll always be here, where ever you go I'll be there to save you. Whenever you breakdown I'll be there to dry your tears, I love you Sarah, always remember that." He gently kissed her on the head and continued to lie there and comfort her until she fell into a restless sleep.
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Sarah's Dream's
The BLACKSPARROW mission
2 Years Earlier
Sarah was scared to death, her target had captured her and who new what he would do to her. The Masked Man as they called him in some circles was notorious for brutally torturing his captives beyond recognition before killing them.
"Well if it isn't the famous Sarah Walker, So Glad you could join us tonight. Not that you had any choice in the matter." He laughed at her manically as he walked closer to her tied up form. She tried as hard as she could to move away from him.
"So Agent Walker for someone who is nearly 40 years old you, look, ravishing." His metal face was mere inches from her face when he spoke those words. This man disgusted her; he was the scum of the earth. If only she hadn't missed that shot, then she wouldn't be here.
"Well, what are you gonna do to me? Beat me? Torture me? Make me suffer? Well I'll tell you something, I would die before you heard a peep out of me." She gave him a very smug look as his masked face backed away from her. He simply laughed at her remark before speaking again in a dark husky almost mechanical tone.
"No I have something planed, much better than that. I think you'll enjoy it more than I will; I look forward to watching you scream and beg for mercy. You see that over there in the back?" He grabbed her face and pointed it towards the room in the back.
"That is were I put Sex Slaves like what your gonna become." She looked at him in horror; she couldn't believe what he just said.
"You bastard!" she yelled at him in a frightened tone.
"Yes that's right your gonna be my little slave, my little fuck toy available at my every beck and call. Then once your spent and useless to me I'm going to chop you up and send your pieces to your Ex-husband." She looked at him in horror he new of Chuck? of her Chuck.
"Just imagine the horror on his face when he opens that box and there you are with a big, red, bow." She vomited all over the place then looked at him trembling. She spoke in a very shaky voice.
"My Ex-husband is dead." The masked man turned around and looked at her with his steel face.
"Really, tell me Agent Walker how did he die?" of coarse he already knew the truth about Chuck and his legendary past. But he just loved making her squirm. She couldn't bear to say it, she brought the words to the tip of her tongue but she couldn't.
"SAY IT!" He bellowed as he whipped her in the back causing her to shriek out in pain.
"He killed himself" she started to sob uncontrollably her arms still chained to the bar above her head.
"Yes, yes he did now tell me why he killed himself." He laughed at her pain, to him it was satisfying to torture a victim both physically and emotionally he liked to break their spirits before killing them.
"He killed himself because I left him one morning seven years ago." Her tears were running down her face and on to the floor. He continued to laugh at her before he spoke.
"Now I want you to remember something, he gave you everything Agent Walker. All he had he gave to you. Nearly six years of his life all for you, and what did you do?" She couldn't speak racked by sobs, for years she had repressed that memory only allowing herself one day a year to mourn the biggest mistake of her life.
"I left, I destroyed everything he and I had built, I crushed it all and now he is dead!" She sobbed loudly the emotions of it all overcoming her.
"Well then I guess you'll meet him in hell where you belong." She continued to cry, her life was over she new that she would die in this hellhole. Just like many others probably did. Once she was died he'd be next he would enjoy that quite a bit.
"Agent Walker when I'm done with you there will be nothing left to identify your dead broken body. Boys lets show this beautiful lady to her new room." He laughed as two big burly men untied her and picked her up.
"Remember gentlemen she won't be needing her clothing so if you would please." He laughed, as the limp body of an emotionally broken Sarah Walker was stripped nude and drug into the back room where nobody would hear screams.
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Chuck's Bedroom
10:39 A.M.
It was still raining but the thunder had subsided. He woke up groggy and still a bit tired from the events of the previous night; he still wondered what that was all about but whatever. He turned over to check on Sarah who he assumed would still be asleep after such a late night. When he turned over he was greeted to nothing, she wasn't there. He shot up in bed, his mind thinking the worst.
"No, she wouldn't, what are you thinking Chuck?" he smiled before shooting up out of bed to start the day. He quietly hummed a song to himself, as he got ready. After a quick shower chuck trotted down stairs and into the kitchen. He opened up the refrigerator and pulled out some orange juice. He grabbed a bowl and the Fruit Loops from the cabinet; he prepared a quick bowl of cereal and was taking it to the kitchen table when he saw a note on the table. He froze in place the bowl slipping from his fingers, milk and cereal splattering all over the floor. He tumbled down onto the floor slowly backing away into a corner his mind racing. No not again, this can't be happening again. He took a couple deep breathes, wait, calm down Chuck this isn't actually happening, people leave notes all the time. A timid smile appeared on his face as he got up and noticed the mess on the floor.
"Dang it that was my breakfast." He sighed in frustration as he picked up the broken pieces of the bowl and cleaned up the milk and cereal. Chuck walked over to the note curious as to what was written on it. He slowly picked up the note and read it's contents.
Chuck,
I'm sorry but I have to leave, after last night I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
"SON OF A BITCH! SHE DID IT AGAIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR HER TRICKS AGAIN!" He was so mad, not just at her but at him. He was a fool who saw a chance to get back what he lost, to fill the void in his blackening heart, to stop the loneliness and the sadness. He let her in again, gave her a second chance, a way to redeem herself and her mistake. Chuck sank to the floor a defeated man; he sat there contemplating everything and nothing at the same time. With so many thoughts buzzing through his head he became overwhelmed, he sank into his hands a started to silently sob. He felt so betrayed, so lost, so alone…
Sarah was so embarrassed after last night; she never wanted Chuck to see her like that. After they rescued her in Burma it took her months to recover from her physical and emotional injuries. She never was the same really; everyone said she had lost her edge, which was true. For months she didn't take care of herself at all which finally climaxed on December 21st 2021 when she attempted suicide. She wished for death, to finally have peace, for the pain to go away. But Carina found her there on her bathroom floor unconscious having purposefully ingested a dangerous amount of Ambien pills. Four days later she was diagnosed with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Last night she had a flashback triggered by the thunder, while in Burma there were many thunder storms so it was only logical that she began to associate thunder with BLACKSPARROW. She had panicked this morning and left to clear her head, haphazardly jotting something down on a note to tell Chuck what was up. The ringing of her phone distracted her from her thoughts, she picked up her phone and looked at the caller I.D. it was Chuck. A smile crept onto her face as she answered the phone.
"Hey Chuck what's up?" her voice was cheery but she would not receive the same level of cheeriness from him she never expected what came next.
"You bitch, you stupid fucking bitch." He said it almost maniacally laughing a little bit.
"I can't believe your leaving me again! God you know, how could you do this to me? After all that I've done for you. After I welcomed you into my home, gave you back the long lost memories of yours. But how do you repay me? You toy with my emotions then leave again!" she was flabbergasted by his sudden rant. She was speechless, rendered mute out of shock.
"Chuck I…" Sarah started but Chuck cut her off.
"No Sarah, no apologies, no explanations just leave. Go live your life whichever way you want, just remember unlike before my door isn't always open, in fact don't come back; you are not welcome here any more. Have a nice life Sarah hope it's all it's cracked up to be." With that he hung up leaving a confused and heartbroken Sarah walker to wonder what could have been and more importantly what just happened. She quickly redialed his phone but he rejected her call she tried again but Chuck rejected all her call's. Sarah racked her brain trying to think of a reason for his rage when it suddenly dawned on her.
"Oh my god the note." The note flashed threw her mind.
Chuck,
I'm sorry but I have to leave, after last night I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself
"Oh my god he misinterpreted my note." She was panicking he misinterpreted her note and now he was done with her, Sarah picked up her phone and dialed in one last final effort to get through to him… straight to voice mail
"Chuck please I beg of you call me back it's all a big misunderstanding if there is anything left of your broken heart please call me back." The tears were welling up in her eyes but she wouldn't cry not now at least, she had to fix this. Sarah stomped on the throttle and sped off into the early morning sun on a mission.
"I'm coming Chuck please don't give up on me." Fearing it was already to late she raced back towards Chucks place.
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Crushed wouldn't even describe how Chuck felt, he had seen all her calls. But it didn't matter now she got what she wanted, he had guarded his heart so carefully for such a long time and in 17 days she stripped him of all his armor she got threw all of his walls and latched onto his heart. He never realized how blind he had become of her games; he never realized how easily she regained his trust. He never realized how good of an actor she really was, she took what she needed then ran to let him deal with the fallout, guess you could say she was his fallout girl. Well it was all over now all he had left was an empty house and a hollow heart. He was currently sitting inside his home theater room watching the Dark Knight Rises. Chuck admired Bruce Wayne; he was rich, powerful, and lonely. The similarities between Bruce and Chuck were astounding, the only difference was that Chuck hadn't met his Bain yet, god willing he never would but the likelihood of that was very small. Bruce Wayne lost the one he loved; Bruce Wayne was a hero. You could say that Sarah was his Joker they couldn't live with each other, yet they couldn't live without each other.
Sarah burst threw the laundry room door connected to the garage she needed to find Chuck before he did anything drastic if he actually pulled the trigger this time Sarah new that would be it she would be over, gone, destroyed. She frantically searched the house in a mad race against time. She searched the upper floor first checking all but the master bedroom. She entered the master bedroom quietly shocked at what she saw. The room was a mess there was a big crack in the mirror, a lamp was broken shattered on the floor. She had a feeling this was her fault, she left the vague note and he freaked out, rightfully so in fact. She new she shouldn't have just run off like that, she was on thin ice as it was she diffidently shouldn't have done that not after she left him the first time. She couldn't help it she forgot to take her medication the night before and the thunder triggered her PTSD. That was the worst nightmare she had in a long time. She had to step out; the only problem was that she was in such a panic that she ran away from him and all the rest of it. She needed to sort this out with him and fast before he started the inevitable downward spiral. She always chastised herself for leaving him, instead of staying and working through her issues she ran away from her problems and in the process hurt the ones she loved. She left his bedroom slightly unnerved at the sight and headed downstairs to check the other rooms. She had check all but one room now which meant that he was in there, she breathed in deep to prepare herself for the coming fallout.
'You should be as afraid of Bain as I am'
Chuck was about half way through the movie when he heard the door open. At first he ignored it thinking that it was just the cleaning service. Sarah quietly sat down next to Chuck and watched the movie thinking about what to say.
"Did you ever notice the similarities between you and Bruce Wayne?" she contently watched the film waiting for his response.
"What do you want Sarah? Come to stomp on my heart some more?" Chuck laid on the bitterness really thick with that last statement. She could tell he was hurting really bad, she new this kind of thing was bound to happen eventually she needed to reassure him, comfort him and most of all they needed to have a talk.
"Chuck I came here to apologize and to sort this out…" Chuck stood up quickly and turned to her the tears welling up in his eyes.
"No not this time, no more apologies, no more second chances. Sarah, do you know what it's like to lose someone just because you were too nice? Because you did what was right? Do you know how bad that hurts to lose the one you love only because you scared her away, because you had too much intimacy, to much love? Do you know what it feels like to lose someone after all the pain and suffering you two endured? Do you know what it's like to lose the one who means more to you then even your own life, the one you would sacrifice everything just to see them smile? I do, I know, I know that feeling all to well. It feels terrible to know that they are gone and it's all your fault, that if you had done things differently they'd still be here in your loving arms still holding you and loving you. I know that pain and am not willing to suffer threw that pain again, no more. I want you to leave Sarah, I'd rather live alone and remember the good times then have to suffer everyday waiting for you to leave again, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Please leave Sarah it's what's best for the both of us, and hey look at it this way you were right, it will never work out between us, You've convinced me of that. Goodbye Sarah I hope you enjoy retirement, you know the way out." With that Chuck turned around and walked away leaving her there in the home theater room to wonder how it all went so wrong.
Sarah collapsed into a chair distraught; he blamed himself for her leaving? He had finally given up on her and it felt terrible, she had lost him for good. She sobbed into her hands at that sudden realization, it was over; a stupid note destroyed all of the hard work they had put in. Chuck was leaning on the home theater room door when he heard her start to cry. Even after all this he still hated to hear her cry, it made him so sad. He decided it was best to let her get it out of her system instead of just throwing her out onto the street. He walked away from the home theater room to his office.
It had been several minutes when chuck heard a faint knock on the door to his office.
"Chuck." It was faint and her voice sounded shaky at best.
"Chuck I know your in there please open the door." He tried to ignore her plea but he was having trouble.
"Please Chuck I beg of you, open the door and let me explain. I never meant to hurt you please." He was tempted to open the door but decided to stand strong.
"Okay Chuck I understand, that's it then. I guess this is goodbye, I'm sorry that it had to end like this." She began to cry again which really bothered him, her cries began to become more and more faint until they were gone. He panicked his will fading away with every step he took towards the door until he opened it… she was gone she had left. Panic shot threw his body after this sudden realization. He sprinted down the hall after her.
"Sarah wait don't go." She heard his bellows and stopped in her tracks turning around. Her breath caught in her mouth she was nervous wondering what he would say.
"Chuck?" she was still crying the tears smudging her makeup.
"Sarah you said you could explain all of this?" she quickly tried to wipe away her tears failing miserably as new ones fell.
"Yes I can explain." He handed her a hanker chief and wrapped his arm around her body and lead her to a bathroom to compose herself at her own request.
"So let me hear this explanation of yours I'm really curious to hear your side of the story." She smiled a sad smile up at him.
"Before I explain I should really compose myself, look at me I'm a blubbering mess." As they quietly walked down the hall Sarah saw a small ember of hope and was determined to seize that ember and turn it in to a fire of hope, love and redemption.
XXXXXXXXXX
After composing herself she looked in the mirror of the master bathroom ware all of her make up was. She couldn't recognize the person she saw in that mirror. What was once a young naive and utterly raw CIA agent was now a hollow shell, all that remained of that beautiful girl that once was Samantha Burton. She was scared she never anticipated telling Chuck about BLACKSPARROW so soon she wasn't ready, but he deserved to know. It was also probably the only way to solve this little spat they were currently in. she took a couple of slow deep breathes to calm her nerves before leaving the bathroom to join Chuck in the kitchen.
Chuck was sitting at the kitchen counter sitting on a stool when he saw her enter the kitchen and head towards him. He couldn't help but notice how different she was, it was obvious that the last nine years hadn't been kind to her she had lost that glow, that ora of beauty that she had. She was still incredibly beautiful but she lacked the glow of happiness, he hoped that if they could sort this out he could help restore that glow through good old tender love and care.
"Hey Chuck ready to have that talk?" he nodded yes and she sat down.
"Okay Chuck first I have a story to tell, the story of my nine years without you." He gave her a bittersweet smile and she continued
"The day I left you was the worst day of my life, I gave up my happiness because I thought I was going to lose you…" he cut her off with a question.
"Sarah what do you mean by thought you were going to lose me?" he had a puzzled look on his face.
"Oh right so um about a month before I left I had this nightmare a dreadful nightmare about our talk at the fountain ware you told me I would never be normal and that was why we could never work out. I was so scared because at the fountain I was relatively normal in comparison to nine years ago. I thought if you couldn't be with me at that time then what was stopping you from leaving me and finding a girl who wasn't damaged goods, which could love you totally and unconditionally. I thought I couldn't and it scared me because I loved you with all of my heart but I still thought you deserved more." She began to sniffle as the tears in her eyes fell; Chuck stuck out his arm and wiped away her tears.
"I decided instead of letting you hurt me I'd beat you to the punch and save myself some pain, Which sounds meaner then it was intended but back to the story. So I left and drove to about Albuquerque where I stopped. This is really hard." The tears were welling up.
"Hey, Hey don't cry Sarah no need to cry." She smiled at him and continued.
"So even though I left I still loved you and I couldn't bare to not see your face one more time." She took an unsteady breath to calm her nerves. It was really hard for her to tell him this.
"I turned on my computer and looked at the live security feed of the apartment and there you were, with one of my guns in your hand."
He gasped out loud, he remembered that moment, that was the lowest point of his entire life.
"I was so scared at that moment I prayed to god you wouldn't do it, then you brought the gun back down." He new what was coming next, he new the words as they left her mouth.
"Then you said, I'm sorry Sarah I wish it could have been different but that's not gonna happen any time soon so goodbye. I cried as you brought that gun back up to your head. I couldn't watch I closed my laptop but not before I heard a load slam or bang, it tore my heart out, it destroyed me." Chuck felt so sorry that she had to experience that.
"I thought you killed yourself, I blamed myself for all of it. It took months of therapy for me to get back to a functional state. I want you to know something Chuck in the nine years with the CIA I never ever even considered doing a seduction mission, I knew you didn't like it when I did them so out of respect for my late ex-husband I turned down every single one of them." Chuck was very touched by that last statement she had made, any doubt that she loved him was long gone she had proven to him that her feelings were real.
"About seven years later I was given a deep cover mission in Burma, They captured me for five months…" she couldn't continue any longer it was all to much for her to stay composed her breathing became more erratic and her hands became clammy.
"Hey Sarah look at me, if you don't want to tell me about it then that's okay I completely understand." Chuck reached out and placed a sympathetic hand on Sarah's shoulder. How could Chuck do that she wondered, how could he calm her by simply touching her shoulder, it was very simple, he was Chuck.
"The Mission was code named BLACKSPARROW."
At the mention of that name Chuck instantly flashed. Every gory detail flashed before him in a second the first thing to show up was her injury report, two broken fingers, one broken toe, multiple cuts and lacerations, signs of starvation, a small anal tare, a concussion and a bacterial infection. He was horrified every detail of the rapeing's, the beatings and this lunatic named The Masked Man. Sarah was about to continue her story when she saw him flash which both shocked and confused her.
"No need to continue Sarah I already know every detail." That's what she thought she saw, he did flash. Chuck leapt out of his chair and captured her in a frantic hug.
"I'm so glad your safe Sarah oh my god all I see is the details, the pictures." After a couple seconds they awkwardly separated and sat down.
"After I got back from Burma I went into a downward spiral, of coarse I didn't tell anybody about my wish for death."
He gasped at that statement it truly shook him to the core.
"I wanted to die to finally have piece and to finally meat you up in heaven. About a year and a half later I attempted suicide. The CIA therapist diagnosed me with Major Depressives Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Last night I forgot to take my medication and the thunder triggered a PTSD flashback. I needed to get out of the house this morning in order to calm down I felt embarrassed after last night and in my hurry I left you a poorly worded note." All the anger at Sarah that he had left instantly faded away and turned into concern.
"I'm am so sorry about earlier Sarah I take everything I said back." Sarah ran into his arms and hugged him sadly, desperately. Years of pain were fading away from within Sarah and in their place a burning love started to fester.
"I promise you Chuck I will never hurt you again, for as long as I live you will never hurt again." They continued to hug for several minutes as they grieved over the past together.
"I love you Chuck."
"I love you too Sarah with all of my heart."
AN: WELL THAT'S CHAPTER 8 HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT
AN: WELL THE NEXT CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE A VERY INTERESTING ENGAGEMENT I PROMISE :D