Words: 1,140
Character/s: Wally, with mentions of Artemis, Dick, Kaldur
Notes: Tried to angst, kind of failed, but was overall surrounded by terrible Wally feelings and some of that classy Depths anguish we all know and love. This is centered on Wally, has that touch of Spitfire I can't help but add everywhere, and is a result of my almost-losing-it because of the hiatus. Also, I listened to Owl City's new song Silhouette before writing this. That song is an instant sob-fest.

hero, #49

Wally's never had this much trouble sleeping before. There are two types of sleepless nights for him: those nights where he bolts up time and time again away from the comfort of his blankets and pillows, drenched in his own cold sweat, reliving the most gruesome parts of his nightmares, and then there are those nights where sleep just doesn't have the mercy to grab him and envelop him in its ignorant, soothing, empty embrace. He wants to go to sleep - needs to get some sleep - but the ticking of the clock echoes hauntingly in the room and if he positions his hand just so, he can feel the indentation Artemis's frame has left into the mattress of the bed.

He's worried about her, of course he is. What kind of a boyfriend would he be if he didn't for one second think about what she could be doing, what situation she might have gotten caught up in, whether she was hurting or - he hates to think of it - whether she was hurting someone? But while there's this aching void pulsing in his heart, constantly pushing a lump up his throat and forcing him to fruitlessly fight it back down, there's also something else - something darker and deeper that holds more gravity than he's ever been used to.

What is he fighting for anymore? How did everything come down to this? To all this deception, to all the lies, to every little falsehoods and half-truths they've had to spit into their team's faces? This is not him. This is not Wally West. He is not a liar, he does not purposely go behind his team's - no, his family's back "for the greater good." That's something the Batman does and the guy might have a lot of swag under the cape but Wally's never wanted to be anything like Batman. He is not a liar. He isn't.

And yet, at the same time, there is this clawing feeling in his gut telling him that everything he's stood for, every last bit of morale that his darling mother, his brave father, and his good, good aunt and uncle have ever taught him, has all gone down the drain. He tosses and turns at night and tries to avoid this painful swelling in his chest but it's not going away.

Being a hero should not feel like this.

How could it be heroism when he and two of his closest friends, almost his own brothers, have so deftly allowed Artemis to depart with the Black Manta crew, likely to her own demise? M'gann and Conner, Zatanna and Raquel - they all think she's actually dead - what on God's earth makes what they're doing the right thing when they've practically stabbed everyone through the heart? If this is what superheroes do nowadays - dance on this thin tightrope woven by taut lies - then Wally thinks he wants out. He doesn't want to do this anymore, not when reaching "the greater good" can only be achieved immorally and unforgivably.

But then he thinks… no, he's meant to do this. Wally's meant to keep Dick's head on straight and remind him that he's still human, he's still Nightwing and he is not Batman. Wally's the one in charge of giving Kaldur those looks that say it will get better, we will eventually grab enough intel on the Shadows to finally take those sons of bitches down - Tula will be avenged. And Wally is certainly in charge of pulling Artemis back from that rush she pines for and make sure she's still standing with her feet rooted firmly on the ground. Wally's the one in charge of making sure everyone's focused and determined and always on the right path. He's the one responsible for having his best friend's back all the time, no matter how ridiculous his newest plans are. He needs to be there to make sure their aquatic leader always has his speedy righthand man, so that Kaldur knows that he still has a purpose in this world; to lead. And Wally is, as he has always been, in charge of making sure Artemis has something - someone - to come home to.

Wally bites his tongue when his mind touches on Artemis's features. If he closes his eyes, he can picture her lying down next to him, eyes half-lidded and drowsy, smiling that crooked smile that only she can manage to pull off as sexy and adorable at the same time. He can watch her lick her lips slowly before throwing a biting remark at him, only partially angry. He can feel her fist land on his shoulder sharply, but also that startling shiver when her lips follow her fist's path and kiss the bruise away. God, he misses her and though he knows she's more than capable of holding her own, he just wants this mission to end before the next full moon (psh, unlikely, he thinks). He knows she's probably thinking the same thing, and that thought eases the clawing at his heart, and it's what puts him to sleep every night.

Wally's not sure when the hero business turned sour, but he knows somewhere along the way, he finally grew up. He hates it - God, does he hate it - and he wants to go back to those good old days when reconnaissance missions were like road trips ("air" trips?) with the team on the bioship. He wants to run after Dick and Artemis into burning buildings and pull helpless children out and see the smiling faces of grateful mothers. He even wants Black Canary to train him again and wipe the floor with his face as long as it can go back to all that - just heroing. Not this … deceit.

Maybe when all this is over and he's kissed Artemis long and hard, when he's given Dick the two symmetrically placed black eyes he's due, and when Kaldur has finally laughed for the first time in years, he'll don the suit one night. He'll leave the apartment quietly and don the stealth tech and see if that spark's still there. He'll take down some bad guys and put a few hooligans in jail, maybe even save a couple from a mugging or something.

He recreated his uncle's chemical experiment for something; he wanted this, deep down, he knows he still wants this, but he needs to find that surge again. This vortex of alienated deception is driving him nuts because it's not what he signed up for. Heroing the right way? That's who he is. Never straying off the path. Always certain of what's right and wrong. Reaching out to those less fortunate and incapable. Doing good just for the sake of doing good. That's the hero business for Wally and he'll be damned if he can't let himself be a hero again.

I promise the next one will be 49 times better?