An Uncharacteristic Expression of Unbridled Emotion

Sometimes Remus feels like a sociopath.

A complete outsider, feeling and thinking nothing like the people around him. It is maddening, a constant reminder that he is different to most boys his age. And it is only made worse with friends like James Potter and Sirius Black, who do everything so easily and uncaringly.

Remus has coped, of course. He has developed quite the knack for imitating aspects of James and Sirius' behaviour, and merged them together into a twisted sort of safety net. If all else failed, he had something to fall back on.

But he felt increasingly like he was losing himself under all these layers.

He was the careful, controlled Prefect, reasonable beneath the façade of a Marauder, mischievous and charming - that parody of Padfoot and Prongs that didn't quite work on him. There was the inner voices of pessimism, worry, nostalgia, and all those other things he thought about all the time, but would never speak aloud for fear of being condemned a woman and cast out of the boys-club that had taken him in.

And, of course, there was the wolf. That wild, untameable horror of a thing that couldn't ever be allowed to show itself for twenty-eight days of every twenty-nine.

But shouldn't there be more than that? Something underneath the wolf, the control and the façade. But there isn't, and Remus feels like a sociopath. Always pretending.

He was sitting in the common room, alone in a quiet corner with his Potions textbook. The rest of his house are fawning over an increasingly irritated girl by the portrait hole. The girl is Dorcas Meadows, but she is nothing like the Dorcas Meadows that fell into Remus' lap the year before.

Remus always thought that 'growing into yourself' was a process only gangly teenage boys went through, when they go from having too many elbows and knees to being all hard angles and plains of muscle. Apparently he was wrong.

The round faced, wide-eyed, goofy-grinned Dorcas was gone, and in her place stood a voluptuous young woman with striking features and big pouting lips. What last year had constituted as plump was now resolutely curvy, filling out her once baggy shirts. As such, every boy over twelve was collecting his eyeballs from the floor and every girl under sixteen was glowering with enough resentment it could catch fire.

As usual, Remus didn't get it.

Everyone seemed to suddenly think she was gorgeous, worthy of envy and admiration in equally ridiculous portions. Remus thought it was funny. Hilarious, really, because Dorcas was exactly the same person she always had been, wearing a shirt cut for a man and a strange half-grin because she couldn't decide whether the situation was more funny than it was annoying. After a few more minutes of pestering, she whipped out her wand and waved it threateningly at the crowd, which quickly dispersed. Then she stalked towards Remus' corner, walking into a table in transit and collapsing onto the rug by his feet clutching her shin and cursing loudly.

Yes, she was definitely the same Dorcas, as clumsy and boyish as usual, but with a shiny new cover.

' Graceful as ever,' Remus said, forcing his voice calm.

' Fuck off, Lupin,' she said, grinning up at him. She rubbed her shin once more before pulling her sock back over it and belatedly saying, ' Ouch.'

' Good Summer?' Remus asked, politely.

' Suppose. Had my squib aunt over, so we couldn't do any magic for six weeks. Mum said it'd be rude. Surely it'd be a kindness, to show them what they're missing out on, wouldn't it?' She looked thoughtful for a minute, then shrugged. ' Still, even that might be preferable to this lot. I don't need a bloody fan club! Those kind of things are for Sirius and James.'

' What about us?' James called as the pair walked towards them.

' You revel in attention,' Remus told them. ' You pompous, vainglorious buggers.'

' Moony!' James cried, throwing himself into a chair, ' You flatter us!'

' He doesn't understand those words,' Sirius stage whispered to Dorcas, gracefully crossing his legs and sitting on the floor. Then, completely belittling that display of elegance, turned to her and said, not at all quietly, ' Nice tits, Dork-face. They new?'

' Yeah,' she said, dryly. ' Got them over summer. You like?'

' They're alright,' he conceded, making a show of looking down her shirt.

' They're bloody annoying, I'll tell you,' she insisted, pushing her chest out and glaring down at it. ' More trouble than they're worth.'

While they continued to discuss the merits and disadvantages of Dorcas' breasts, Remus lifted his book back to eye level. He wasn't reading it, if he was honest he could rightfully remember which book it was, but it gave him an excuse to back out of the conversation and think.

Since they had returned to school, Sirius had flickered between ignoring him and being openly passive-aggressive. It was uncomfortable both ways, and so Remus had taken to avoiding him wherever possible. He buried himself in books, tucked himself away in dusty corners of the library or hid behind random tapestries and statues. It was cowardly and embarrassing, and the only solution.

Well, not the only solution. But the only one he could face.

The real solution was to talk about it, but it wasn't really an option at all. It would only result in conflict, and Remus didn't exactly relish in the idea of looming confrontation. He had seen Sirius' aggressive side on more than one occasion and really didn't need to be on the receiving end of that. Especially today, the full moon, while his entire body was thrumming with tension and anticipation.

He should, of course, have realised that putting it off would only make it worse when the inevitable happened. Should have know ignoring Sirius would only exasperate him, and that avoiding him would give him time to stew, strange illogical thoughts and explanations cooked up out of pure irrationality. He was encouraging the build up, and it should have been obvious to him that the explosion was imminent.

But it hadn't been, he had missed it.

And when happened, when Sirius couldn't control himself any longer, Remus had actually been surprised.

' Will you get your nose out of that fucking book!'

Remus had just stared, as had James and Dorcas, when Sirius proceeded to forcibly remove said book from Remus' grasping fingers. These were the first words they had exchanged in a week, and it took a moment to process them. When his brain finally did, the answer it provided was a very unsatisfactory, ' Uh… What?'

' Book. Nose. Out,' Sirius articulated slowly, biting out the words. ' Not that sodding complicated. Socialise.'

Remus blinked. Not good. Not today. This wouldn't be good at any time, but today?

' Pads,' James said, forcing a calm tone but looking stern. ' Something wrong?'

' Oh, no. Nothing at all, Prongs,' Sirius said, a manic edge to his voice. ' It isn't like he's been ignoring us or anything!'

James took a breath, slowly, cogs visibly working in his head as he replayed the last week in his mind. He looked between Sirius and Remus and back again before he answered the Animagus.

' Actually,' he said, cautiously. ' You've sort of been blanking him, Sirius.'

' Taking his side then, are you? Thanks mate, really.'

' Moony hasn't done anything wrong,' James insisted. He paused for a second, then added coolly, ' and you're being a right arse. What's going on with you? You've been acting weird all week! I'm your best mate, you can tell me!'

' Yeah, right. Thanks. Great job you're doing. What're best friends for, eh?'

' They're for telling you the truth when it matters! And the truth is, right now you are being a massive dick.'

James' voice was harsher than he probably intended, and Remus only blinked again. Something hot was bubbling in his stomach, though he couldn't put his finger on what exactly. Sirius crossed his arms across his chest and raised his chin insolently, reminding Remus rather severely of Lucius Malfoy.

' Look. I know you've been sulking since we got back and, frankly, I'd love to know what's bothering you. But is this really the best time to start an argument?' James asked, with a quick glance sideways at Dorcas, who was still entertaining an expression of mild curiosity. ' What with Moony being… ill and all. You know it isn't good for him.'

Remus was getting increasingly annoyed with being discussed as though he wasn't sat right there. They had always babied him a bit around full moons, ever since they worked it out in second year. It had never bothered him so much before. It was always Sirius before, a little voice reminded him, and the heat in his belly bubbled violently.

' He doesn't need coddling, James,' Sirius snapped.

Back to given-names, and James looked as shocked as Remus felt.

' Of course he does! He needs us- ' He started, not giving an inch.

' No, he doesn't!' Sirius said, louder. ' He doesn't need us! Doesn't want anything we can give him!'

That was almost personal. Almost addressing the problem they both knew was there. Almost sounded… resentful. But almost wasn't about to solve anything.

The bubble in Remus' stomach burst, spilling burning heat up his chest along with the rising irritation. The sensation lifted his body to stand without him asking it to, the annoyance rising in his throat like vomit, closely accompanied by words he didn't mean to vocalise.

' Shut the hell up! Both of you!'

Oh, God. Was this anger? It was more than irritation and annoyance, both of which he knew rather well. This was stronger, less controlled. It was hot and sudden. And it was terrifying. He couldn't stop himself.

' I'm sat right here, if you care to remember!'

Both dark-haired boys gawped at him. Clearly they hadn't been expecting this kind of reaction either. It wasn't a comfort.

' I'll thank you,' Remus found himself saying, jabbing a finger at Sirius, ' not to presume my wants and needs.'

He blinked, grey eyes startled, and Remus took that as an ascent of some sort. He turned on James next.

' And you don't need to speak for me. I am perfectly capable of expressing my own opinions, thank you, especially where my won wellbeing is concerned.'

If he had hoped this uncharacteristic expression of unbridled emotion would ease his discomfort, Remus was sorely disappointed. If anything, the sickly hot churning in his belly only intensified. He had a sudden urge to hit something, very hard.

In a horrifying moment of clarity, he remember the moon. It would rise in a few hours, full and round and terrible. If he felt like punching something now, as himself in a comfortable room surrounded by friends, what would the wolf feel like tonight, cooped up in a cold, empty old house. It might lash out at the root of the anger, the boys stood now in front of him. Remus couldn't have that.

' James,' he said, pleased at how calm his voice sounded. ' Sirius is right. I don't think I'll need you're help tonight. Thanks.'

And before they could argue, he left. He wandered slowly up to the Hospital Wing, the furnace in his stomach lurching nauseatingly. It would be a hard night, but he didn't even think about that. He couldn't put his friends at risk, however annoying they were sometimes. The very idea made his throat tighten and his tongue taste of bile.

He didn't like being angry, he decided. Maybe being a sociopath wasn't so bad.

Hello, Hello! Sorry for the wait for this update, hand in week, busy busy. Also, not at all fun, so I wrote an argument to make me feel better! It didn't really work, of course, but hell, why not.

I don't really have anything else to say, hopefully everyone stayed in character in this chapter, despite being angry and fighting and all that. Please let me know.

Big thank you to everyone who reviewed last time, I appreciate it very much! Danke shern!