Superiority Complex

The kitchens were one of the more frequented marauder haunts. If they weren't in the common room in their free time, or the dormitories, and no pranks were planned, it was a near guarantee that one of the four would be found tickling the pear in the dungeons.

That phrase - Tickling the Pear - had recently become one of Sirius' favourite euphemisms, and it almost annoyed Remus that he nearly laughed just acknowledging that fact in his head.

Today a good three quarters of the Maraudering resident of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry were indulging in the delights of the kitchens. At least, Sirius was. Remus was watching, and waving away masses of house elves with their huge pleading eyes and disturbing need to serve.

On the other side of the table - the double of the one they sat at each mealtime in the Great Hall - was James. He was slumped down so far he was almost bent double, his head buried in his hands. The absolute epitome of dejection. It was more than a little pathetic.

Not that Remus would ever say that to him.

' Could you look any more pathetic, mate?' Sirius said, as if on cue, between his mouthfuls of apple pie.

Remus aimed a kick at him under the table. James only groaned a pained little groan and burried his face further into the creases of his fingers..

' Ow! What was that for, you twat,' Sirius cried, making a show of pulling his leg out from under the bench just to rub gingerly at the air several centimetres above it. ' I'm being supportive.'

' I'd hate to see you being neglectful.'

Sirius shrugged. ' I'm trying.'

' Please stop,' James groaned.

' Fine. The house-elves are better company, anyway,' Sirius said with great dignity, considering his food-filled hamster-cheeks. ' And they have pie.'

' I'll give you pie,' Remus implored. ' I'll cook it myself. Just, please, stop trying to help.'

' Why do you care so much?' Sirius retorted. ' S'not like this is the first Evans-induced depression our Prongs has suffered.'

' No,' Remus conceded. ' It isn't. It is, however, the first time it isn't a rejection-induced mope. And I owe it to Lily - who has suffered through years of torment and embarrassment - to make this bizarre policy change last more than a single day.'

' Yeah. And you owe it to me - who has suffered countless Prongsie temper tantrums - not to keep a suicide watch all night.'

' I'm not going to throw myself off the astronomy tower,' James insisted, lifting his head just enough to give Sirius an accusing look. ' It's your fault, anyway.'

' A suggestion,' Sirius said, folding his arms across his chest petulantly. ' Didn't have to follow it.'

Remus tried not to sound too surprised when he said, ' But it was a good suggestion.'

' Bet you didn't take my advice though,' James accused, quietly.

' I said I would,' Sirius huffed. ' If you could do this. It isn't looking good, right now.'

For the briefest of moments, Remus felt like he was missing something

' How am I meant to not talk to her!' James threw his hands up frantically, then let the slap back down onto the wood. ' She's brilliant! Absolutely fucking fantastic!'

Remus sensed the coming speech, and zoned out in his own careful way. He smiled, deliberately looking directly at James as he talked, but taking in only odd words.

' … even more beautiful than her namesake…'

Remus ran through his mental checklist of assignments, due in before the next full moon. His runes was done, and handed in, as was his DADA.

' … Strong… Independent… Wonderful…'

They were meant to be doing their trasfig tomorrow in their free period, all four of them, and Remus' potions essay was done but for a detail he wanted to check with Sirius if he could get him to concentrate for long enough.

' … Cupid's arrow, struck right in my firm, manly and very impressive pectorals…'

Remus watched Sirius scrape the remaining custard from the rim of his dish, which was immediately removed by a grey little elf with beady little eyes. Sirius hadn't even swallowed before a fresh dish was placed in front of him, complete with another quarter of a pie and a healthy dollop of thick yellow custard.

' It's destiny!' James cried, finally, throwing his hand up importantly again. ' One day I'll have her!'

' That's just it, Prongs. You Haven't had her,' Sirius licked his spoon particularly lewdly. Remus knew it was all for show, because Sirius' table manners were impeccable when he stopped thinking about deliberately making a mockery of it. ' Or anyone else, for that matter. While you're pining your life away fawning after Evans, there are hundreds of girls in this school that would be glad to take you off her freckly, uninterested hands.'

' Did you miss the bit about cupid?'

' Did you ever stop to think, Prongs,' Remus said, slowly, cautiously. ' Maybe - just maybe - Cupid made a mistake?'

' Cupid doesn't make mistakes!' James declared, with another hand-wave of conviction.

Remus bit his tongue, not really wanting to have to explain to the two purebloods who Shakespeare was. Or playwrights. Or Plays. Or theatres.

' They do say love is blind,' Sirius said contemplatively. ' Maybe that's the problem. Maybe cupid is a bit short-sighted.'

' So, what you're suggesting,' Remus asked, genuinely fearing the answer. ' is that on top of being a midget condemned to an eternity in nappies with tiny little fluffy bird wings and a quiver of love heart shaped arrows, Cupid also had a sight deficiency?'

' Yes,' Sirius said, happily. ' Poor little fairy.'

' Couldn't be more of a fairy than you,' James muttered loudly.

' I wouldn't be so judgemental, if I were you, Prongs. Remember which of us is in a relationship?'

' That doesn't count!'

' Err… Why?'

' You were so bad at wooing the girls you resorted to shagging your roommate!'

' I think we've found your problem, mate.' Sirius frowned, dropping his spoon into his dish. It clattered loudly in the moments silence that followed before he spoke again. ' You're an utter arsehole.'

' And,' Remus added, menially, ' Nobody says wooing anymore. Sorry.'

' Get fucked.'

James banged his head on the table with a clunk, then fell silent.

' We just might,' Sirius said waspishly. ' Because we can. Whenever. We. Like.'

Sirius got up, and made for the exit, tugging Remus with him as he went.

' You know he didn't mean it,' Remus said, pulling back a step.

Sirius sighed. ' I know. Doesn't mean he isn't a twat.'

' No,' Remus agreed. ' He is you're best mate though. And, we have a detention to get to.'

Sirius sighed again, but strode back into the kitchen and pulled James up off the bench. ' It'll be fine. There'll be other chances to burry her in chocolates and suffocate her with flowers. Next year. Next year, she won't know what hit her.'

' I suppose,' James mumbled, running his hand through his hair and ruffling it unnecessarily.

' Come on,' Sirius pressed. ' Can't keep Sluggers waiting again, can we?'

' Fucker. Killjoy. Giving out detentions on Valentines Day. Just 'cause nobody's going to get under that sorry excuse for a moustache.'

As they trudged down the dank corridor and mounted the stairs to the main entrance hall, someone called out to them. Well, to one of them.

' Potter!'

' Evans?'

' Heard you got detention again?'

James nodded, looking wary.

' What did you do this time? In fact, No, I don't want to know.'

' Right,' he replied, looking increasingly alarmed.

Remus glanced at Sirius, who only shrugged most unhelpfully. There was a silence. A silence it which Lily grew more and more flustered, hands flapping a bit by her sides and her freckle splattered cheeks growing a fairly fierce shade of pink. James' eyes only grew wider, staring hard and - Remus suspected - biting his tongue even harder.

One thing about James Potter - when he promised, he really promised.

' Err…' he said, when she wasn't forthcoming with her usual curse, or argument, or list of his faults. ' Yeah. We have to get going, so…'

He turned his back to her, and made to lead the three of them up the staircase to McGonagall's office for their allocated detentions.

' Ahnk-Udor-Davil-Tyne,' she finally blurted out, all at once without a breath.

Remus almost asked her what language she was speaking - because he thought he'd distinctly heard traces of both Egyptian and old Saxon English, which was bizarre - but was beaten to the post by Sirius, who simply said, ' What?'

She didn't answer him, but looked solely at James. He blinked. She licked her lips.

' I, err, said… Thank you. For your Valentine. It was… nice.'

And with that she left, with not another word, leaving the Marauder's to explain why said James Potter couldn't stop grinning during their Potions Master's lecture on appropriate corridor conduct.

Oh, Goodness, I cannot explain how abysmally sorry I am for the cavernous gap in updates. Hospital visits, deadlines, Internet issues and all that jazz. So sorry. Really, I am. Very. ( No worries, Chyna, I most certainly am not abandoning this fic. I don't blame you for getting impatient, though. Sorry, again, for the wait.)

On a separate note, ma-hoo-sive thank you to everyone who reviewed and answered my questions. Sorry I haven't been able to reply to everyone, like I said, internet trouble.

Just a quick update, I'm busy with all things associated with rapidly approaching deadlines, so we'll muggle through the next few weeks and then it's over, and I'll have all the free time in the world. Wahey!

Once again, thanks for reading, please review and danke schoen!