Chapter Three
Half way through the last movie we are watching, The Notebook, I realize everyone is asleep except for me. I pause the movie and go to the bathroom. I find myself in Spencer's backyard sitting on the couch. Rosewood has been full of it's ups and downs but overall I love who it has made me. I love my parents, I miss my dad so much, and more than anything I love friends. I am brought out of my thoughts by the door opening. It's Ali and she has a blanket draped around her, she sits unnecessarily close to me. She sighs.
"You know it's like 4am and technically today is the anniversary of the day that I lost my husband and mom. Spencer knew and she didn't want me to be alone." I hear her voice crack and I knew she was having a hard time holding back the tears.
"When Maya died, I was young maybe 17 and she meant the world to me. My parents loved me, my mom was still trying to deal with me coming out when I was 15. If it wasn't for those girls in there I wouldn't have made it. Hanna kept me drunk that summer, Aria brought me food and books, and Spencer would just sit with me hours while I cried. They did the same thing when my dad passed away. I can honestly say that your cousin is amazing and now that you are a part of this group we will always take care of you." She laid her head on my shoulder and I felt warm tears hit my arm. I repositioned myself to wrap my arm around her. I let her cry until she couldn't anymore. She lifted her head to wipe her face as she begins to giggle. I look at her confusingly.
"I haven't cried since the day I found out. I cried when Jason called me and after that I made myself too busy too emotionally unavailable to deal with it. It feels good to cry and be near someone who understands what I went through not because they pity me but because they know how it feels to lose a parent and a lover." She grabbed my hand and held it as she rubbed the side of my index finger with her thumb. We sat there like that, in our own little world, until the sun came up. We talked about life, about love, about family, and about friends. I learned all about how wild Ali was when she was younger how she dated older boys, broke all the rules, and was mean but she said she did it for attention because she felt invisible to her parents. She spoke of her best friends Mona and Jenna how they were also reformed mean girls and I knew both. Hanna and Mona are really close and she's also marrying Mike who is Aria's little brother. And Jenna is Toby's stepsister. She also talked about how she was bisexual and her first real relationship was with a girl named Shana and how even though she'd never admitted it she always thought she would've been happier forever with Shana instead of Elliot. She told me how she met Elliot and how they grew to be friends and it felt right for them to be together because he was the only one who stuck by her side. She said their love was convenient and it grew into something beautiful and comfortable but it lacked spark.
I also told her all about me from relationship to my drinking problem. I even told her that I had kissed all the girls before Hanna on a dare, Aria kissed me because she wanted to know how to kiss before her first kiss which was with Ali's brother which made it even more hilarious, and Spencer some drunken night she came to visit me at college. I told her about Maya and how I hadn't really found anyone I wanted to let in and love since even though I dated around a lot. Talking to Ali was like talking to the girls. She was comfortable, she was relatable, and she was caring. She hangs on every word, and between her smile and her laugh I find myself in a trance from time to time at how genuine they are. We stay holding hands through the whole time we talk and maybe three hours into us talking Spencer comes outside with coffee mugs in hand. "Three creams two sugars for you Fields, and for my beautiful cousin no cream five sugars." She hands us our drinks as the other girls join us. Hanna hands Spencer her coffee and we all sit and talk. I catch a glimpse of something in Spencer's eyes as she looks back and forth from Ali and I. I internally scream when I realize Ali Andi are still holding hands. I begin to realize that Spencer may have set us up. In true Spencer fashion she knew Ali and I would get along extremely well and so it was only a matter of time before we crossed the line.
After we ate breakfast we all went our separate ways. I took Ali home of course. It was Saturday and we were all supposed to meet up for brunch tomorrow. But as for the rest of my day I had nothing planned. I remembered that my mom was making dinner later so I asked Ali if she wanted to join us. I couldn't stand to think of her having to be alone for long today. When we got to her place Jason was working on her car and I'm sure they'll spend some time today in remembrance of their mom. I told my mom Ali was coming over which made her beyond happy and I went to lay on my bed. I began to think about Ali and ended up dozing off. When I woke up it was already 5pm, and Ali is supposed to be here by now. I look at my phone, no Ali, so I hop in the shower. I'm not in there long but when I'm changing into my clothes I here my mom talking to someone presumably Ali. I hurry myself and rush down stairs.
"Well there she is," my mom cooed as she finished setting up the table. Ali and I hug, she smells so good. I catch my mom smirking at us.
"Sorry I accidentally fell asleep." I stated bashfully. I look over at Ali.
"It's fine. I shouldn't have kept you up all night." She threw a smile and wink my way that didn't go unnoticed by my mom either. We sat down to eat dinner. Four hours later, several glasses of wine later for my mom and Ali, and a delicious meal, my mom excuses herself for the night. I offer to clean the kitchen since my mom did all the hard work and Ali decides to help. We put up the leftovers but not before I pack her a plate to go, it's the Fields way. We clear the table and wash the dishes by hand. I wash, she dries. We fall into our usual conversation where we talk about everything and absolutely nothing. Our hands clumsy touch one another's while neither of us wants to admit it's on purpose as I pass the dishes to her. She's intoxicated, and also intoxicating. Ali doesn't even know how beautiful she is, or maybe she just forgot. She sits at the table while I put the dishes up, I can feel her staring at me. I put up the last pan and walk over to the table. Before I could take a seat she stands up and we are face to face so close our nose almost touch. She clears her throat before saying she has to go because it had been a long day and unlike me she didn't get to nap. I chuckle but I understand.
She grabs her plate and I walk her across the street. She politely says thank you. We stand on her porch in an awkward silence for a few minutes and right when we lock eyes she kisses me. I don't pull away, mostly because I don't want to but because I think she just wants to feel something other than pain today. She has her free hand on my lower back, one of my hands is on her face while the other around her waist pulling her into me. She tastes like wine. Her lips are so soft, she's an amazing kisser, and her scent engulfs me. I don't want this to end so I push on the already unlocked door and guide us inside. We only break apart so she can sit her food down and we end up on her couch. All I feel is her warmth. Hands all over my body, lips against mine every now and then they trail to my neck. My body is on fire, I feel so alive. We stop to catch our breath leaning our for heads against each other's. Her eyes are as beautiful as she is. I tell myself to snap out of it because I know this feeling. I'm falling, but I don't want to hurt Ali nor do I want to be hurt. We're both very vulnerable and we could easily create a bond on our emptiness. But I don't want to this to end either. Like she could read my mind "Emily, stay the night. We can just sleep. I promise." How could I say no to that, why would I.
We made our way to the bedroom where I look off my shoes and she tosses a pair of pajama pants at me. She began to change out of her clothes and I try not to stare. But trust me I am. She puts on an over sized t-shirt and that's it. Her body is a wonderland. She goes to the bathroom and I change out of my jeans into the pajama bottoms. I get in bed. And automatically my mind wanders to exactly what this could mean. She walks back in, and turns the light off before joining me in bed. She slides closer to me, and wraps her arm around me. I played in her hair and we just laid there in silence until we both fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee as usual, only to realize Ali was no longer in bed. I went to pee and notice a light on downstairs. I follow the light. Ali was sitting on the couch with a photo album. I sat beside her looking down at pictures of her and her mother. I know this pain. I put my hand on her knee, she puts her hand on my hand. "It almost feels like a dream. Like she's not dead. But sometimes I go through my days and I don't think about her at all or Elliot and I think to myself 'who is this monster?'" She closes the book and sits back. I take a shaky breath knowing this feeling all too well.
"You know they'd want you to move forward, and to be happy. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you normal. Some days it's like everything reminds you of them, others you're so busy living that you barely have time to think about any of it. But you'll always have these memories, you shouldn't feel guilty for making new ones." I watched her stand up and take off her long shirt as she stood in front of me uncovered. My breath catches and she straddles me. "Ali, wha… what are you doing?" I barely let out before her eyes were full of fire and her hands were on the back on my neck and her tongue in my mouth. Everything became one big blur as I let the pleasure take over.
"Making new memories."