Ch 1.

5 months, 22 days later...

He pushed in and out of her as her body arched towards him.

Alex was begging for him to come, she wanted him to come as he held her hands pressed against the sheets.

She felt his body tighten against hers, his breath sharpen as she provoked his orgasm, then he collapsed on top of her.

She held him, the tips of her fingers dragging across his shoulders, down the muscles in his back.

His lips made their way down her neck, her eyes closed taking him in, coming down.

They were both coming down.

She was satisfied, he was satisfied.

Sex.

His fingers now trailed down and then back up her naked body.

"You always wear this necklace?" He said pulling the gold pendant between his fingers.

She tried to take it from his hand without him noticing that it was because she didn't want him touching the necklace that had hung around her neck for the last five and a half months.

It was sacred.

"A friend gave it to me." She answered simply.

"Must mean something."

"Yeah, it does… it does." Was all she would say.

She made an attempt to get out of bed.

"Hey, hey where are you going?" He said, pulling her back in to his arms, snuggling against her.

"Ben, I need to go." She said, giving him her attention. "I'm sorry, I can't stay. I have to be up early in the morning."

He shook his head understanding, letting her go.

She leaned in kissing him.

"I'm sorry," Alex apologized again. "Maybe we could grab dinner on Friday?"

"That sounds good," he said with a gentle smile.

He was a good man.

Kind, well educated, handsome.

He was an architect; he knew really nothing of the work of an Assistant District Attorney.

And he really knew nothing of her past.

He was good for Alex.

Ben called her a cab and made sure she was tucked safely in the backseat with a kiss goodbye.

"See you Friday."

Now in the back of the cab, her eyes glared at the passing city lights. She ran her tongue across her lips, washing away any last taste of him. She then bit her bottom lip and unconsciously fingered the necklace around her neck.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut thinking of Olivia.

She always thought of Olivia.

Another day, another night, not knowing where she was, or even who she was.

Alex had come home after a hellacious day in court fully prepared to pour herself a glass of wine and make her way in to the tub as soon as possible. Instead, her doorbell rang.

She had gotten as far as taking off her suit jacket and discarding her shoes before she heard the doorbell. A man in a dark suit, addressing her by her formal name handed her a box addressed to her.

Signed, sealed, certified, delivered.

She looked down at the box, the handwriting.

The lump in her throat nearly made her sick.

A box and a note that looked all too familiar.

Familiar like the one she had packed now years ago.

Alex dropped to her knees in the middle of the living room floor with the box in front of her.

Alex opened the note, unsure of when she had stopped breathing.

Olivia's confession to Alex and an apology for leaving.

'My heart would ache for you… I wanted to kiss you, touch you… I hold you in my heart… my thoughts of you will keep me strong."

She cried.

She had lost Olivia again, but this time knowing how Olivia truly felt about her.

She had lost Olivia again.

Alex's finger's trembled as she opened the box.

Olivia's pictures, personal keepsakes, her necklace, the one she always wore, all packed neatly and efficiently in a box.

Gone.

All that was left of her.

Now another day, another night not knowing where she was, or even who she was.

Olivia was gone.

Alex stepped out of the cab and in to her building. She said a polite, but quick hello to the night doorman.

She made her way in to her apartment, stripping herself of her heels and the now wrinkled dress, and made a beeline for the shower.

Water running over her head, soap covering her body, Alex tried hard to focus on her task at hand, instead of getting lost in her thoughts like she did in the cab.

After a quick shower, she brushed her teeth and pulled on a t-shirt and fell in to bed.

Lying there in the dark, she tried desperately to keep her mind quiet.

She wanted to just sleep.

Sleep one dreamless night.

She didn't regret dating Ben, sleeping with him. She wouldn't be with him if she didn't want to. But she did question her motives. She questioned her need to have someone now, to feel wanted, even loved.

Olivia's confession, her leaving wasn't what triggered Alex's thoughts about her.

Ironically it was years ago when she was taken in to witness protection, when she had been pronounced dead to the outside world that one night she caught herself calling out Olivia's name when pleasuring herself.

Her subconscious called out Olivia's name.

But she had put her feeling for Olivia aside. Especially when she came back from witness protection, when she saw Olivia was dating. Olivia didn't feel the same as she did for her and Alex vowed to satisfy her want for Olivia with dinners, and coffee, and drinks, and the moments she spent with her own the job.

She vowed to let that be enough.

She had kept that vow.

But Alex couldn't help but wonder if Ben was in the right place at the right time to substitute or at least distract her feelings for Olivia.

Since Olivia had been gone, sense Olivia's confession of her feelings for her, Alex found it harder and harder not to think about her, how she wanted her, missed her, how she would confess too if she would ever see, when she would see Olivia again.

Alex tossed and turned.

"She's safe, she's fine. Wherever she is, she's fine." Alex told herself as she whispered aloud in her empty bedroom.

Alex sat up, flipping on the light. She grabbed her glasses and the book from her bedside table.

She would fall asleep forcefully with words again.

It had been 5 months and 22 days.