Every great question lead to Steve looking at Tony and staring absolutely dumbfounded. He wanted to jump, scream if Tony was alright because he was really here now and with him.

But then again, he wasn't.

Tony was back, he could see that, but he was broken. The pieces of him where behind those red eyes and staring at him and screaming for Steve to help. Help pick the pieces of fragile, Tony Stark and put him back together again.

It took all his courage to stop himself laughing into Tony's face at the apology. But something stopped him. Tony wasn't apologizing because of his state; it was something else. Steve could almost sense it.

Sail

XII

Suicide.

"What for?" Steve mumbled, trying to piece together this difficult and elaborate puzzle Tony had created. Here Tony was, back to him and speaking; sure he was looking like hell but he was here. Not at an in-between, not in a box. Not any theory.

"Steve I…" Tony sounded quiet, run down and exhausted. He moved his palm to his forehead and rubbed across it slowly. "I'm so weak, you know?"

He could hear the break in Tony's voice, and protective Steve leaped over without a moments hesitation and held onto Tony as he had done for the while he'd been there by his side; Fed him, watched him. Everything in his life was just Tony and it was hard to let go.

"No don't," he shoved away, his arms weak but Steve let him go. He wanted to squeeze him, let him know it was alright. But he didn't want to do anything. Tony was glass in his eyes. "Steve, I don't deserve this. I… I don't know the details. These past few weeks, months, whatever… It's like trying to remember a dream."

Steve understood. He'd always thought Tony was aware somewhere in his mind, but it's like trying to remember a memory from another perspective. Hard but possible, but not always entirely true.

"It's okay, you haven't missed much. We're just trying to find out who is responsible for this. Who did this to you." Steve pushed a small smile, his heart beating fast for some reason. Like he'd ran a marathon and racing the last few miles. "You can tell us now you're back, so—"

He cut his words.

Tony was looking at him, eyes watering and Steve just… He'd never seen Tony cry before. He'd seen him cry in his other state of mind but Tony was here now. Crying. Really crying.

"Tony?"

"I wanted…" Tony shook his head. His hands moved to his face and his whole body just crumbled. He fell to his knees and Steve just looked at him in dumbfounded horror.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Tony was supposed to be better, happy and snarky and everything that was Tony Stark. But now… He was on his knees. Then Steve's breath was caught somewhere in his throat as Tony muttered his next words.

"Kill me."

He'd whispered it so it was only just heard to Steve. He thought he could have mis-heard, but he was fooling himself. He knew exactly what the other had said.

"Tony," he said more sternly, dropping his knees to the billionaire. "Tony, you don't… You don't want to die. You're here. With me."

"You don't know… What I've done. What I've been through." When Steve touched the billionaire's shoulder, he retreated, but Steve pressed his palms there, gripping Tony to this reality in fear he was moving away from it again.

"Just tell me who did this," Steve said with a sense of strength behind his words. He was fighting back his own tears. He wanted to cry with Tony with relief and anger over who did this. "I'll get them, Tony. They won't get away with this."

"I did," Tony whispered, eyes lifting as his hands shook away from his face. "I did this."

"You did this to save yourself. And you have, you won. We're here to help you fix the rest." He forced the smile, trying to sound stronger than he felt.

"No!" Tony shouted it and Steve found himself visibly flinching. "I did this! All of it! All of it was me! The other! The person who tortured me with myself! My memories my—"

Steve couldn't understand the next part. Not that he really understood the first. He was crying. Tony was sobbing.

"I… Don't get it, Tony…" Steve felt stupid. Throughout this whole case, Steve had just been there, questioning, wondering. He moved over to the billionaire and pulled him close. Pressing their bodies together as he felt Tony's wet cheeks against his neck.

But it was okay.

Because Steve didn't want Tony to feel anymore pain.

"Steve I… Long Island…" He swallowed, trying to focus his own intentional explanation as to why he wanted to die, why he wanted to erase himself from this world. Why his mind shouldn't be there anymore.

An indirect form of suicide.

"The world hated me, so I loved myself. I did it very well." Tony's voice was quiet, hurt but clear. "I did a lot of bad things. Bad things to do good things."

Steve just listened, although this made no sense why Tony was telling him this now. He wished Bruce was here, to say the right things or do the right thing. Something that will get Tony to give him a name about the person who did this. Steve really wanted that name.

"I've had a bad life, but not the worst. But… I'm guilty. I need to die."

Steve's grip tightened.

"I lost you once, Tony." He spoke sternly. "I will not do it again."

"Steve," Tony pulled back, looking at the super soldier with a shuddered sigh. "Steve, I did this to myself. I tortured myself because I deserved it."

Steve's brows knitted in confusion. There was no way Tony would have done this. At least, not without a proper reason behind it.

"It's hard to explain…" He whispered, shutting his eyes. "…I need to show you."

With that, Tony lifted his head and leaned in close. Steve's breath stopped as the other got far too close. There was a difference between embraces and special awareness during these things. But Tony rested his forehead against Steve. Shutting his eyes.

"Tony…"

"You stayed with me that night. The one I asked you to stay with me; the one I wanted you there with me. I'll never forget that love you gave me when all I knew was the hate."

This was very much unlike Tony. But all of this was, all of this had been. He found his mouth dry and he felt uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what to make of their closeness. But they'd been closer when Tony was 'away'. But this was different. Steve couldn't quite explain it. It just felt different.

"I need you to see what I see. I need to remember."