Ch. 20

It continued to rain.

Through the night, into the next morning, pouring rain.

Olivia sat on the couch, facing the windows.

The irony of the tears that streamed down her face, were like the raindrops against the windowpanes.

She had cried desperately, she had cried uncontrollably, now they were just tears that escaped her.

Tears that drained her.

Olivia just sat there, unable to move, unsure of everything at that very moment.

Her heart was heavy, her body ached.

But it wasn't from the bruises and the broken… it was because she felt so empty and she couldn't justify why. She couldn't understand her reasoning for the pain she felt.

Why she felt the pain of the loss of someone she never had.

AOAOAOAOAOA

Alex awoke alone again that morning.

"Liv?" Alex called out as she made her way out of bed.

When she didn't hear Olivia respond, she looked in the living room seeing her sitting there on the couch, her back turned away from the doorway to the bedroom.

Alex stood there for a moment as she took in the sight of Olivia.

She watched her head bowed, her shoulders shake.

Alex had found herself holding her breath; even a slight panic at the sight of Olivia.

She knew what was planned for this morning; she knew that a pregnancy test sat on the bathroom sink waiting for its revelation.

It was why their day before had been so on edge, why sleep was so hard.

"Honey?"

Alex's soft voice, broke in to the silence.

Olivia looked up a bit startled, but only turning her head slightly towards Alex, acknowledging her.

Alex quickly made her way to the couch to Olivia's side.

"Honey?" Alex said again as she wrapped Olivia in her arms.

"You took the test?

Olivia shook her head yes.

"I'm not pregnant," she said blankly.

"Oh..."

Alex had hoped she would have a more eloquent reaction, but she wasn't sure what her reaction was.

"I knew I wasn't," Olivia said as she let out a breath. "I just needed to be sure."

Alex couldn't tell if Olivia was devastated or relieved.

Alex, at that moment wasn't sure if she was devastated or relieved.

"I don't know why I'm crying, I don't even know how I feel."

"Relief… maybe disappointment." Alex said pressing her lips to Olivia's temple, soothing her hair.

Olivia sniffled, "It's ridiculous."

"What's ridiculous?"

"I've wanted a baby for so long… and of course not like this. Alex, I didn't want to have a baby like this."

"I know."

Alex did know. She knew how much Olivia wanted to be a mother.

But not to have a baby like this, not to have history repeated.

"Liv, honey, you can have a baby, this is not what you wanted." Alex said reassuring her. "This is not the way you wanted to do this. You can have a baby, on your own terms. You have plenty of options on your own terms."

"I would have kept it. I mean, even thought it was his baby, I couldn't, I wouldn't… Not after my own mother decided to keep me."

History.

"And Alex I never would have treated that baby like it was a mistake, that it came from something horrible."

History.

"I know, I know you wouldn't, and I know everything would have been ok. That baby would have been loved and adored, just the way any child would be if you were its mother."

Olivia looked at Alex.

Her sad face, her tear stained eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"I just want life to be normal again… This is all my fault. How it all unraveled."

"Liv, honey how was any of this your fault?"

"I left New York, I left my job… I left you. And look what happened."

"You were doing what you thought was best, you chose to come here to help people, to make things right. Why would anything that has happened be you fault? Lucas Quinn interfering, him kidnapping you… God, him raping you was not your fault. You didn't ask for it, you didn't set yourself up for it! You know that, and how many times have you told victims that? It's not your fault. And you are especially not allowed to apologize to me for anything that happened."

Olivia was biting her lip. She knew what Alex was saying was right, she knew she didn't ask for it. But she couldn't help but think if she had just stayed in New York? If she just hadn't run from her life again.

"It just doesn't feel like it will ever be normal again. Being away from home, our jobs, not being called by our real names, living in fear that someone is watching, hunting you down…"

Alex swiped at her own tears.

Well I have to say, when we do get to go home it will take time, time for both of us to feel like things are normal again. I guess I'm a pro at it, but I've done this before so…"

"Oh God Alex I didn't…"

"No, no the difference is, and the only redeeming part is that I'm with you, we're finally together and when we get home, we'll be together. We'll get back to normal together and even if we don't, then we'll be, well we can be abnormal together."

Olivia gave Alex a lopsided smile as she took her hand in to hers.

"Together sounds good."

"Yes it does," Alex said leaning in to kiss Olivia's lips.

"Alex."

"Yeah?" Alex said as she held Olivia's face in her hands.

"I love you. I mean you don't have to say it or feel that way… I just I really, I love you."

Alex grinned at Olivia's nervous rambling.

"Olivia, I love you too. I really love you."

Olivia smiled, kissing Alex again.

"I couldn't do this without you. I mean I thought I didn't need anyone, I thought I could take care of myself, I mean always have. But with you here, being with you, I couldn't go through this without you. I'm glad I don't have to."

"We'll get through this. They'll catch Lucas, things will go back to normal. How much ever time it takes, we'll get through this."

"You believe that don't you?"

"I believe in you…"

"I love you."

"I love you." Alex said pulling Olivia in to her, kissing her this time more passionately.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Can we just lie here for a little while?"

"As long as you want."

Olivia settled against Alex on the couch and for a moment they watched the rain fall.

"You're right it is a relief and a disappointment."

Alex kissed the top of Olivia's head as she played lazily with ends of Olivia's hair.

She was thinking.

"It's not really my place to say this, but I feel the same way. The thought that you could be pregnant was bittersweet. But Liv, when this is over you can…"

"Alex…" Olivia said stopping her. "I'm not sure it's ever meant to be."

"Maybe you just weren't meant to have a baby alone?"

Olivia didn't turn to Alex.

She only ran her fingers along Alex's arm.

"Yeah… maybe I'm not."