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Ch.25

Olivia looked around Alex's apartment.

Everything was as she remembered it, sort of.

Alex was making her way around the apartment opening curtains, turning on lights, making the place come alive again.

As if she had done this before.

She had.

More than once.

"Can I do anything to help?" Olivia called out as she surveyed the pile of luggage still sitting by the door, but unsure of what to do with it, where it should go.

"No, do what you need to, make yourself at home!" Alex yelled from the other room.

Olivia knew Alex's apartment.

It wasn't a strange place. She had spent many nights on the couch gossiping over wine, or having dinner… she had even showered there after she and Alex had taken runs in Central Park…

It wasn't a strange place.

It was cozy, inviting.

Alex lived there.

So why did she feel so out of place?

She was the one that felt strange, not the apartment.

"Liv? Hello to Liv?"

"Hmm?" Olivia said breaking from her daze.

"Want to help me with suitcases and we can fight over closet space?"

"Yeah, ok." Olivia said and as if on autopilot going for the suitcase nearest to her.

"Honey?"

Olivia turned up to look at Alex.

"Yeah?"

"How about we forget the suitcases, lets do that tomorrow." Alex said trying to read Olivia's uneasiness.

"Oh sure, yeah."

Autopilot.

"How about we get something to eat? You hungry?"

"Yeah um… how about pizza?" Olivia said trying. "It's been a while since we've had a New York Pizza." Olivia then said giving an encouraging smile.

"You wanna go out? Or we could order in?" Alex offered.

"Do you mind if we stay in? I'm tired and…"

"Of course we can order in, let's get it from Gino's around the corner. Remember the one with the crust you like."

Olivia gave a smile shaking her head.

The crust she liked.

"That's sounds perfect."

"Ok I'll order pizza, you want to light some candles, maybe make it a little cozier and maybe it will start smelling like home again instead of a shut up apartment."

A task.

A task was good.

Something for Olivia to do.

Olivia could hear Alex ordering pizza from the kitchen she then heard Alex checking her voicemail.

"Alex, it's Ben. I've been trying to get in touch with you. You've just completely disappeared. I called your office and they just said you had gone out of town… I think you at least owe me a phone call so I'll at least know you're alive… maybe let me know what I did wrong for you to not take my calls…"

"Liv," Alex said seeing Olivia standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Sounds like you forgot to tell someone, you were leaving town."

"Well I didn't exactly get to tell anyone I was leaving town." Alex excused.

"Where you seeing him?" Olivia asked curiously.

"Seeing… no, no not really."

"It's not like you were cheating on me if you were with him."

Alex tapped her fingers rhythmically once on the counter before speaking.

"We weren't really dating, he was just company."

"Fucking." Olivia said bluntly.

Alex grinned. She couldn't help but grin at Olivia's bluntness. It was very Olivia.

"Yes fucking."

"And then you disappeared, you came running to Dublin to confess your love to me?" Olivia teased.

"Yeah, yeah it was something like that." Alex said rolling her eyes.

Olivia laughed.

Alex was glad she was laughing, maybe loosing up a bit, remembering where she was.

"Pizza is ordered."

"Candles are lit." Olivia confirmed.

"Glass of wine?"

"May put me to sleep, but yes please."

"I just so happen to have a place where you can sleep." Alex said grabbing a bottle of wine from the wine rack.

Alex opened the bottle and then poured them both a glass.

"Couch?" Alex asked taking Olivia's casted arm in to hers.

They both sat down, both letting out a moan that let them both know they were equally as tired and jetlagged from the flight.

Olivia looked around noticing the picture of her mother sitting on the bookshelf.

"Alex?"

"Yes baby?"

She so easily called her baby.

"You have my stuff out? The picture of my mother…"

"I hope you don't mind. When your things came to me, well they just made me feel close to you, maybe even like you were here if your things were around. We can re arrange or whatever, and I have your other things in my closet, our closet." Alex corrected. "I kept everything safe."

Olivia leaned in to Alex giving her a lingering kiss.

"Thank you. I mean that. It's really sweet that you wanted me around you like that."

"Not creepy?"

"Ha, a little creepy!" Olivia said smiling. "No, it just tells me that I'm where I'm supposed to be, that this is where I was supposed to come home to. Thank you for that."

"I'm glad you came home with me Liv."

Suddenly the doorbell rang startling Olivia.

She looked as if she jumped out and then back in to her skin.

"Honey it's ok, it's just the pizza guy."

"Yeah." Olivia said running her fingers through her hair, composing herself, her hands physically shaking.

"Honey?" Alex said her hand on her knee, comforting her.

"I'm ok… just a little more on edge than I thought. Go… the pizza." Olivia pushed.

Alex shook her head, then made her way to the door to get the pizza.

Alex handed Olivia the pizza then grabbed a plate and napkins.

She sat down beside Olivia on the couch watching her open the pizza box.

"You're starring at me." Olivia said without needing to look at Alex.

"I'm just watching you. I'm happy you're here with me. I would have never imagined you here with me, like this."

"Actually I've had pizza with you on your couch a hundred times…"

Instead of scolding Olivia for her smartass remark Alex pulled Olivia's face towards her and kissed her.

As Alex pulled away, Olivia leaned in to capture her lips again, in a more hungry kiss.

Kissing was the one thing Olivia felt she could do, wanted to do.

"I am happy to be here, I'm thankful to be here. There's nowhere else I want to be or to be with."

Alex smiled.

"Hand over the pizza." Alex said, trying to lighten the mood. "You know we should let everyone know we're back. I know they've been so worried about you and Casey I'm sure is out of her mind…"

"Yeah we should." Olivia agreed nonchalantly.

"This pizza is so good, I've forgotten how much I missed it!" Alex said then noticing Olivia had only taken a bite or two and picked at the rest. "So should we talk?"

"About?"

"I'm not sure. Being home? Us? You jumping out of your skin when the doorbell rang? You choose."

"Alex I'm just tired."

"Are you just tired?"

"Are we going to do this everyday?" Olivia asked defensively.

"Do what?"

"Do this? Ask about my feelings, wonder what I'm thinking, question everything?"

"Liv!"

Olivia stood up from the couch, leaving Alex behind.

"Oh no! You don't get to do that! You don't get to walk away from me. I don't know if you've forgotten who you're dealing with Olivia Benson, but you don't walk away from me, ESPECIALLY when the argument is about us."

"Is it about us? Because I feel like it's about me. You're fine, you're happy to be home. I'm the one that's a fucking mess, I'm the one you're handling like I'm going to break."

"Then why lie?" Alex said now standing only feet from Olivia. "Why lie Olivia? Why tell me you're ok? Why tell me you want to come home with me? You just fucking said there was no other place you'd rather be! Fuck you! How's that for treating you like you're going to break!"

Olivia looked away, blinking back the tears in her eyes.

She asked for it.

She knew Alex Cabot was her match.

She asked for it.

"Liv." Alex said composing herself. "I don't mean to treat you like you're helpless, or like you're going to fall apart. But I do mean it, with all of my being that I love you. And because I love you, I want to take care of you…"

"Alex I don't…"

"I want to take care of you the way I hope that you would take care of me!"

Tears fell from Olivia's eyes as she squeezed her eyes shut.

She would.

God, she would take care of Alex.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said her voice calm.

"I'm not."

Olivia looked at Alex.

"I won't apologize for taking care of you, for loving you. But you have to be honest with me when you're not ok, when you're out of sorts or a fucking mess as you called it. I told you I can handle that."

" But I don't know if I can handle it! I am happy to be here, to be home and God if I have to argue with anyone I'm so glad it's you. But nothing feels right. I feel so out of sorts, out of place…"

"Liv we just got home, give yourself time."

"I know, I know. I just… I just need…" Olivia wiped the tears from her face, composing herself. "I need to take a walk."

"Ok we'll walk."

"No, I mean I need to walk alone, to be alone, to think. I haven't been alone in weeks, I haven't been outside, walked around in weeks. I just need to walk."

Alex wouldn't baby her, she wouldn't treat her like she was delicate, breakable. Olivia was safe and in the city she knew like the back of her hand.

Olivia did know how to take care of herself.

"I'll be here when you get back."

Olivia shook her head.

"Thank you."

Alex watched her go.

Let her go.

AOAOAOAOA

It had been two hours.

Olivia had been gone for two hours and seven minutes, but who was counting?

Alex had paced, worried, scolded herself… scolded Olivia.

She gave in, deciding to go to bed and try and occupy herself with finishing the book she had been reading on the plane.

Her bed.

Her bed should have been calming and comforting, Olivia should have been there beside her, finally in bed beside her.

She lay there alone.

Two hours, seventeen minutes.

She heard the front door open.

Olivia now stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said looking to Alex. "I'm sorry I flipped out, I'm sorry I seemed so unappreciated that you care about me, that you love me the way you do. I'm sorry I left." She said sincerely.

Alex nodded, "You clear your head? Figure anything out?"

"A few things maybe. I know I need to work on the honesty thing. Tell you, rely on you. I know you can handle this, and I need to tell you when I can't."

Olivia was biting at her bottom lip.

Alex pulled back covers to welcome Olivia in her bed.

Olivia began to undress down to her underwear.

She crawled in bed not bothering with pajamas, a t-shirt.

She hovered over Alex, pushing Alex's shirt up, kissing her stomach, burying her face in to her belly.

Alex held her.

Her hand at the back of Olivia's head, her fingers intertwined in the strands of her silky dark hair, the other at the base of her neck.

Olivia's skin was still cool from the night air, her mouth hot on Alex's skin.

Alex wouldn't tell her it would be ok, instead she let Olivia feel everything.

"I'm not ready to see anyone. It's ok to let them know we're here, but I can't see anyone right now."

Honesty.

Olivia would try honesty.

"Ok." Alex agreed.

"Do they know what happened to me?"

They.

"No, there's no way they can know."

Olivia shook her head.

"And they don't know about us. It's a lot to explain."

"Casey does."

Olivia looked up at Alex.

"Well she knew I was in love with you, because I was a rambling idiot about you, missing you, loving you. And I know she figured out that I went to be with you."

"Oh."

"I think Casey knew before I did."

Olivia settled in to Alex's arms.

Her bare breasts pressed in to Alex as Alex pulled the covers over them, warming Olivia.

"And you were right I didn't deal with Gareth's death. I cared for him, I had fallen in love with him despite who he was. When Martin told us he was dead… I just pushed it away."

"I know, I know." Alex said sympathetically.

"And I'll try my best not to tell you I'm ok when I'm not, but lately I think I'm trying to tell myself I'm ok to get through the day. Otherwise all I think about is being in that basement, about Lucas… about how much regret I have… and even everything I have to be thankful for. Surviving, being here with you."

Alex stroked Olivia's hair letting a moment of reflection pass them by.

"Can I be honest about something?" Alex said holding Olivia close.

"I would hope so."

"I think you need to go to therapy. I think you need to talk to someone, really talk."

Olivia leaned up, looking at Alex, her face serious.

"Maybe you could talk about things you're not ready to talk about with me."

Olivia swallowed hard.

"You're the only one who knows. I can't… I don't want to tell anyone else."

Alex tried to blink back her tears, her fear for Olivia."

"Just think about it ok? When you're ready…"

Olivia settled back in to Alex's arms.

"Ok," was all Olivia said.

They both eventually drifted off to sleep not sure of what tomorrow would bring.