Ch. 29
Alex lay there, her eyes wide open.
She had been lying there long enough for the dark of night to turn to the light of day.
She didn't move, didn't stir, not wanting to interrupt Olivia's sleep.
Olivia lay beside her, sleeping soundly.
Sleeping soundly after a wrestles night.
Alex had tried to take deep but shallow breaths, tried to keep centered, keep her mind clear.
But she had a million thoughts.
The attorney in her, the stubbornness in her, wouldn't let it go.
She promised to be beside Olivia and she had no intention of doing anything different.
She loved her.
She trusted her.
But something didn't fit, something, yesterday, her reaction to Lucas's death.
At first Alex thought she was just trying to hide her emotions and that her emotion would eventually come.
Instead it came in her restlessness, her sleep.
She didn't cry, instead she repeated his name.
Not Lucas' name…
Olivia began to stir and Alex felt Olivia pull her closer; nuzzle her chin against Alex's shoulder.
Olivia opened her eyes to see Alex starring at the ceiling.
"Alex? Honey?"
Alex turned to look at Olivia.
"Who's Nicolas?" Alex said barely above a whisper.
"What?"
"You said the name Nicolas in your sleep."
Olivia sat up, supporting herself on her elbow.
"Martin told me he was the one who killed Lucas."
"You were dreaming about him?"
"I guess so, I went to sleep thinking about him."
"It was a pretty vivid dream."
"Yeah I guess. I don't really remember."
Alex shook her head, holding Olivia's casted arm against her.
"Hey… hey you ok?" Olivia asked still noticing how distant Alex seemed.
"Yeah, guess I'm just a little thrown off by yesterday."
"Honey of course yesterday should have thrown you off, that s not exactly normal news."
Thrown off.
Alex wanted ask why she didn't seem "thrown off" by the news of Lucas' death.
"I guess I just have unanswered questions."
Olivia laid back down, her head hitting the pillow, "He's dead, what more of an answer do you need than that?"
Now Olivia was starring at the ceiling.
Alex was biting her lip… she hadn't noticed the silence that had filled the room.
She finally let out the breath she was certain he was holding.
"What time is your therapy this morning?"
"9:00"
"I'll make us some breakfast." Alex said getting up.
"Alex?"
Alex now standing looked at Olivia who was now sitting up in bed.
"Liv… just let me make breakfast ok."
Before Olivia could say anything else, Alex had left the bedroom.
Olivia didn't follow her.
She knew Alex had questions.
Questions Olivia didn't want to give answers to.
AOAOAOAOAO
"So do you have anything you'd like to start out with this morning?" Olivia's therapist questioned.
"Well… the man who kidnapped and raped me is dead."
Olivia looked her therapist square in the eye waiting for her reaction.
"Oh… and how do you feel knowing he's dead?"
"Fine. I feel fine. I'm happy he's dead. I know I'm not suppose to say that but I worried everyday that he would escape prison, or that there would be some loophole and he would get out and that he would come back for me… So the fact that he's dead, I'm happy that he is."
"Olivia your feelings are valid. How did Alex feel about his death?"
"Shocked, she said she has questions… she wonders why I don't have some huge emotions about it… why I didn't react to the fact that he would never be punished for what he did to me."
"Why didn't you react? Doesn't it matter that he won't be punished for his crimes?"
"I hope he was scared. I hope everyday that he looked over his shoulder that way I have been… he got what was coming to him and he's dead. Not having to go back to Dublin, to go to trial, to see his face, to tell everyone what he did to me… I've endured enough. He got what was coming to him."
"Ok so you feel his death is justifiable punishment?"
"For me, for Gareth… and for God knows who else he's killed or tortured… I guess I'm wrong to feel that way."
"You can feel any way you like. This is about your healing, no one else's."
"I feel better that he's dead. This morning when I walked down the street, I knew he wasn't lurking around some corner…"
"Peace of mind means a lot."
"Yeah, it does."
"So do you think Alex will understand your reaction?"
"She will, I guess we just need to talk about it."
"That would be a good idea." The therapist said giving an assuring smile.
AOAOAOAOAOAO
Alex was sitting at the counter; her dark rimmed glasses perched on her nose, buried in the New York Times.
"Hi." Olivia said unsure of Alex's mood.
"Hi" Alex said, now folding the paper and discarding it on the counter.
"Do you want to talk about Lucas? His death I mean?" Olivia said standing behind her.
Alex turned around.
"You knew Nicolas?" Alex asked bluntly.
Olivia was silent.
"You did." Alex said now with a nervous laugh. "You knew him from Gareth?"
Olivia shook her head yes.
"How you keep this all bottled up? You show no real emotion about Lucas death, no emotions towards someone you know killing him…."
"I told you I was happy he was dead." Olivia said blankly. "And I… I know we need to talk about it, I need to explain why I'm not angry, or even sad that Lucas won't be punished for what he did to me."
"Ok maybe we should talk about it." Alex said not giving in.
"Alex, since the second Martin told us Lucas was dead a sense if peace came over me. I'm not looking over my shoulder, I'm not worrying that he will escape from prison and find us… For the first time, I don't feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin."
Alex shook her head understanding.
She did understand.
"Liv… I just, I don't know, I mean I completely understand what you're saying and honestly I agree, I felt a sense of relief when Martin told us he was dead, but there's something… you just took it so easily and I'm just afraid that you will breakdown and…"
"Alex." Olivia said interrupting her, as she closed her eyes to the silence in the room.
"Oh my God." Alex said suddenly. Oh my god… Olivia? You knew it was going to happen didn't you? You knew Lucas was going to be killed in prison?"
"Alex…"
Olivia had no come back, she had no lie sitting there, waiting.
At least no lie she wanted to tell Alex.
Alex ran her fingers through her hair and then looked at the dark eyes starring back at her.
"Olivia… did you have Lucas killed?