Ch. 31

How can you beg for forgiveness when you don't regret what you've done?

It had been hours since Olivia had left the apartment.

Alex had barricaded herself in the bedroom and Olivia left the apartment to walk, to wander.

She wandered in to an unfamiliar corner bar.

She was drinking bourbon on the rocks.

"Are you drinking alone?"

He sat down beside Olivia, invited or not.

"Looks that way." Olivia said never taking her eyes from the bottles lined up on the shelf in front of her.

"That's a shame, a beautiful woman like you should never have to drink alone."

Olivia gave a smirk before she took another sip of her drink.

"Your name?"

Relentless.

He wasn't going away.

"Mark," he said.

Olivia finally turned to look him up and down.

She licked the bourbon off her bottom lip.

"Samantha."

The name rolled off her tongue.

"Nice to meet you Samantha."

Olivia didn't respond only held up her empty glass to the bartender.

"This ones on me." Mark said speaking up to the bartender.

"I don't need…" Olivia began to protest.

"Oh come on, let a guy buy you at least one drink Samantha."

"Suit yourself."

Both sat, both drank.

"What happened to your arm?"

Olivia looked down at her casted arm.

"I fell."

He continued to talk, she didn't.

She felt his hand on the small of her back.

"You want to get out of here?"

Olivia turned looking up at him.

"What makes you think I want to do that?"

"I can make you forget," he said cocky, sure of himself.

"And what do you think I am I trying to forget?"

"Does it matter?"

Olivia let out a breathy laugh shaking her head.

"Actually… it does matter… Mark, thanks, but no thanks."

"Got it," he said standing. "Take care Samantha."

"Yeah… you too." Olivia said never looking back at him.

"Can I get my tab? Olivia said now anxious to get out of there.

AOAOAOAOAOA

Alex was sitting on the couch when Olivia came in. She was curled up on the couch, her face stripped of makeup, her Knicks t-shirt threadbare.

"Long walk." She said watching Olivia as she came in.

Olivia didn't respond only sat down beside Alex on the couch.

"You've been drinking." Alex said as the smell of bourbon wafted towards her.

Olivia's head hit the back of the couch.

"Alex… can I just talk?"

"Sure."

Olivia lifted her head again, now starring out, across the room.

"I need to be honest and tell you I'm not the same person I was. My thought process isn't the same, and maybe you're right my conscious isn't the same. The last year changed me… maybe for the worse. And I can't expect you to love someone, to be in love with someone you don't feel like you know, that you can trust."

"Olivia what are you saying?" Alex said speaking up.

"I'm just saying you're not obligated to be with me. I came back a different person and I can't apologize for the way I feel. I know you can't understand why I called Nicolas. I know you question me because I knew he was going to kill Lucas. But I can't apologize for any of it. And I can't apologize for not being able to let it go, or to forgive what happen to me…"

"Liv, I don't expect you to forgive Lucas or forget what happened to you. I know it hurt's, I know you're hurting… but you're right I do question you because I don't know this you, the person who allowed someone to be murdered."

"He grabbed me off the street, he beat the shit out of me until I blacked out. He drugged me and took me to a basement in Dublin where he took my clothes, he left me without my underwear so he could have easy access to rape me. He raped me and continued to beat me until almost every square inch of my body was bruised, until my face was unrecognizable, until my wrist was broken, my shoulder was dislocated…"

"Olivia…" Alex said stopping her.

Olivia clinched her eyes shut as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Alex, you have to understand why I didn't care when I found out he was going to be murdered. And you know what else you should know… I thanked Nicolas. I thanked him. I was here, thousands of miles away from Lucas and I could feel him standing behind me, feel him on my skin, hear his voice… And when you touched me, when I wanted you to touch me… he was here with me. So I thanked Nicolas for killing him.

Tears fell down Alex's face, unrelenting as she watched Olivia cry.

"Tell me you understand." Olivia said finally looking over to Alex.

Alex reached for Olivia, swiping at her tear stained cheek.

"I understand. I promise I do. I just… it just scared me. You calling Nicolas, you knowing… I don't know that side of you and it scared me. I can't expect that you wouldn't be changed by what happen to you, by even who you've been pretending to be for the last year, it was ignorant of me to not think that it hadn't changed you. But I have to be able to trust you Liv. I have to know that when you leave the apartment you're not her… that you've left Samantha behind."

"I couldn't move on until I knew he couldn't come after me anymore." Olivia said quietly pleading.

Alex shook her head, as she cupped Olivia's face in the palm of her hand.

"He's dead… He can't hurt you anymore. And I can't condone your choices but, I understand. But you have to promise me you won't go back there, that you'll leave that life behind. I want a life with you and I love you so much…"

Olivia pulled Alex towards her, kissing her, holding her close to her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I scared you. I love you and I never want to hurt you, if anything I do anything to protect you. I'm so sorry."

Alex crawled on top of Olivia, straddling her lap.

She kissed Olivia passionately.

"I want to do this."

"Do what?" Alex asked between kisses.

"My life with you."

Alex grinned, then kissing tugging at Olivia's lips.

"You know I'm." Alex said, holding Olivia's face in her hands.

Olivia smiled, her beautiful, familiar smile.

"All in."