Hey everybody! Ready for a feels trip? Hope you are, 'cause here we go~!
You really want to hear?
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it," I replied. "I just…I mean, you listened to me. I'll listen to you, if you want to tell me. You don't have to, of course."
Remember when I said I hadn't expected anyone to make me feel like this again? Sandy tossed his hair with a bitter smile. It's because I spent the last couple years living for myself, no-one else. I had friends, and I even had a boyfriend…but he expected so much from me.
"How much is so much?"
Relationships are a give and take. Of course you have to put out as much care as you're getting. It just sometimes felt like I was the one putting out the most. And in the end I gave until I gave up, you know? Just forgot about it, went on my own. I still helped people out and I still had people to talk to and call my friends, but as far as close relations I just gave up.
I read the paragraph over and over. Sandy waited for a moment, and then gently took the book back to write some more.
Pitch, I really want to see you happy. When I met you, honestly, I found you interesting. I know it seems very quick, but I just really feel like I care about you.
"I don't know…how much I could give you, Sandy." I sighed. "I've had enough of relationships myself."
So this is doomed to failure? Sandy was frowning hopelessly. It's so strange. I don't want it to be, even though I keep telling myself that's all over.
"Well…" I bit my lip in thought. It really was complicated to think about.
Sandy was confessing to me so earnestly. The more I mulled over his words, the more uncertain I became. What did I have to give him? I had told the truth; my relationships had only ever ended in pain. Here he was, a victim of the same harsh treatment, willing to trust me with himself in spite of that pain. Did he really like me that much? Did he really believe in me? Did he believe in someone like me?
His hand touched my cheek. I hadn't realized how close I was to crying. Sandy was so earnest, and with the way he was looking at me now, worried but hopeful still, baleful brown eyes shimmering beneath his lashes, admittedly longing for something he didn't trust…I just…wanted…
I blinked slowly. His lips were warm, smooth against my own. I pulled him closer, impulsive and selfish, fighting back tears even though a couple managed to spill down my cheeks. Sandy was beginning to cry too, and we were both so uncertain and confused and worried. We parted from each other and sat back, wiping our faces of bitter tears. I couldn't decide if I wanted to sob or laugh at the madness I was getting myself into, and the horrible voice rang within my head even as I asked Sandy to kiss me again.
He's going to ruin you.
I woke up early on Wednesday morning. The sun was barely lighting the room, but I could see Sandy cuddling against his pillow across the room.
We had ultimately decided that we would try. Just try, without making anything official. We'd try our best to be what we wanted, to be what we wanted of each other. The only problem was, I had no idea how to do this. I didn't know what Sandy wanted of me, or what I had to give still. I realized that I hadn't bothered to ask that question last night, being too caught up in emotion to really give it that much thought. Sandy had seemed the same way when he suggested we just "try". We'd act like a couple and see where that led us.
You're a right fool, Pitch.
Perhaps I was. Maybe I was making a horrible mistake that would hurt me worse than the first time. Maybe it would be exactly the same, or maybe I would be on the other end and cause Sandy a repeat of whatever had happened to him. Neither of us had gone into too much detail.
Perhaps, if this worked, we would share everything someday?
Don't get ahead of yourself, you hopeless romantic.
Whatever contentment I'd found dissipated.
You know what this will lead to. Don't kid yourself; you know. And it's going to break you.
Then I wonder who you'll come crying back to?
I took a deep breath; in and out. I looked out the window; a bird flitted past and landed in a nearby tree. I breathed in, listened to its chirp, breathed out.
Sandy shifted, and then sat up. He looked sleepily around the room and then at me, smiling gently. He waved. I waved back. My breathing returned to normal slowly, and no tears came to my eyes.
We got dressed and went to breakfast.
Super short and sweet today. School's getting hectic even with the three-day weekends…on the other hand, I got more driving practice, hooray! Thank you for reading and please review~