Alexis fills him in on the last six years of her life with a foreign tentativeness, handling him with a kind of reluctance that he doesn't recognize or understand, but he listens with the utmost attention, desperate for every detail. Though, it does break his heart a little to learn how severely his disappearance has influenced her life, her future.
He's always wanted his daughter to do what made her happy, but this searching relentlessly for people who have such a slim chance of being found, dealing with the heartbreak and grief of family and friends suffering from the loss… he understands that she was one of those people up until this very moment, but he wants more for her. More than the exhaustion he can see marring her once unscathed face, but maybe it has nothing to do with her job at all.
Maybe it's solely because of him.
Kate sits quietly through Alexis's anxious chatter, back in the chair next to his bed like a sentinel on guard. Alexis remains perched on the edge near his hip, sharing the occasional glance with his fiancée.
Former fiancée.
It surprises him, judging from their sometimes rocky history, but apparently, the last six years have brought the two women in his life closer, and he finds himself both inexplicably grateful and slightly jealous to be excluded from this bond, cheated that he missed its formation.
Alexis's phone chirps as the darkness in the sky outside of his window dissipates, gives way to the breach of sunrise.
"Oh, Gram is on her way," Alexis announces. "It may be a few hours, or even by tomorrow at the latest, since the flight from London will probably-"
"London?" Castle echoes, trying to imagine the vibrant light that is his mother in a city she once called the "most dreadfully grey place on the planet." "What is she doing there?"
Alexis hesitates, folds her hands in her lap to buy a few extra seconds and studies her fingers instead of him.
"A little over a year after you went missing, Gram insisted we get away from the city for just a little while, so we took a trip to Europe," she explains, but there's no trace of fondness evoked in his daughter's face by the memory. Quite the opposite. "I was ready to go home after a week, but Gram wasn't, couldn't, so she stayed."
"Oh," is all he can manage to say, not sure what else would suffice, what to even think. His mother had just hidden away in England, left Alexis all alone? Except- "Did you go on the trip too?" he asks Kate, hopeful that she'll say yes, that the three of them stuck together, but Kate shakes her head.
"I needed to be here," is all she offers, but Alexis is quick to jump in, fill in more blanks from his missing time that he can already imagine the answers to.
"Kate was still running your investigation. She made sure no one ever stopped looking."
The newly developed crack in his heart runs deeper, destined to break him open by the end of the day, and Castle extends his hand to the edge of the bed, relieved when Kate claims it, slipping her palm into the embrace of his without doubt or hesitation.
"Of course you didn't," he murmurs, but he already hates the images swarming his brain, the likelihood of her alone in front of a murder board, late into the night with no one to bring her coffee or make sure she slept, ate.
No one to make her laugh when she needed it most, even when she didn't want to. No one to say something reassuring.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers, his throat beginning to swell and his eyes starting to sting. "I'm so sorry I left you alone. Both of you."
Kate rises from her seat and his heart exalts as she drifts in closer, the touch of her hand to his cheek like a balm to his sunburnt flesh, the final push needed for the rebellious tears to streak down his skin, drip along his jaw.
"Not your fault," she replies, stroking her thumb to the corner of his eye, wiping away the moisture that continues to fall. "It can't be your fault."
"Kate's right," Alexis chimes in with her best attempt at hope, levity. "We'll figure this out, Dad. Don't worry."
He wants to believe that, to believe that he'll remember, believe he'll get his life back, but he's afraid that it may already be too late. The band on Kate's finger is cool against his skin, the mention of someone named Lily still echoing in his mind, and he closes his eyes to this new reality.
He's afraid that he's lost more than just time.
Doctor Xanders tells them that Castle can be discharged tomorrow morning, that it's necessary he remain for at least another night, the full 24 hours, but Alexis quells her father's protests with promises of readying the loft for his return.
"Not much has changed, but your room's been empty for so long. I can spend the day airing it out, making it cozy again," she assures him with a bright smile, one she's unable to sustain throughout the morning, still too dazed by his reappearance and the uncertainty of having him back.
Kate can relate.
"You don't live there anymore, do you?" he murmurs to her when Alexis leaves to head back to the loft with a promise to return for lunch.
Kate sighs, shakes her head.
"I stayed for as long as I could, but it wasn't - it was never going to be home without you," she confesses with a shrug, frowning down at her lap. "I moved back into my old apartment."
"Is that where you live now?" he inquires, the expression of his face hesitant when her eyes lift to meet him, his breath held - if the faltering rise and fall of his chest is any indication. "With your family?"
"Rick," she whispers, but he raises a hand, lowers his gaze to the hospital bed's railing.
"Just tell me, Kate. It's only been a few hours, but I can't handle wondering about it anymore," he murmurs, taking in a deep breath. She wishes she could do the same, but her chest is too tight, her heart breaking apart, shards of it piercing her lungs, the vulnerable insides of her sternum.
She never thought this would be something she would have to break to him, never in her worst or wildest dreams did she imagine that she would be telling Castle she's married to someone else.
It's not your fault, Burke's words echo in her head, words he repeated to her in countless therapy sessions when her guilt was almost too overwhelming.
And no, it may not be her fault, no one blamed her for finally attempting to move on after so many years, but in her gut, in her heart, that connection to Castle, that undeniable bond that has always drawn her to him like a magnet, has never died. Dulled, yes, but she never truly believed that he was dead, no matter how many people told her how likely the chances.
She's always known he was alive. And she should never have stopped looking, never should have doubted her gut.
"Kate?"
Beckett blinks, steals a glance at the growing concern on his face that only makes her feel worse, before she directs her gaze to the safe place of her shoes.
"For the first few years, nothing mattered except finding you. Any spare moment I had, I was searching for a lead, using any extra resources I could get my hands on, and eventually, it became my mother's case all over again, but I was in it alone," she begins on a rushed breath, blocking out the memories of the first few weeks, months, when it was truly unbearable, when she was at her worst all over again. "After the first year, everyone was convinced you were dead. The boys helped me for as long as possible, even Gates, but there was only so much they could do. But I - it wasn't until two years ago that I even began to entertain the idea they might be right."
Kate watches his adam's apple bob, but he nods his head, tries to garner an expression of acceptance to spread through his features. "I don't blame you. I really don't, Kate. Six years… it's a long time and the fact that you dedicated at least four of them convinced I was still out there-"
"I never lost hope in that," she argues, shifting out of the chair, unable to remain seated for this conversation that has her heart pounding and her blood rushing through her head. "Never. I just tried to find a balance, to not drown in it. I couldn't, not when I had someone else depending on me."
"Your… husband?" he gets out, visibly bracing himself for the truth, and Kate huffs.
"No, but I - Castle, I didn't have any intentions of - of being with anyone else. The idea of it made me nauseous-"
"But?"
He's trying to manage a smile for her when she glances back to him, trying to be supportive, teasing even, to not look as hurt as he feels. And it makes her stomach churn.
But his eyes give him away, the mournful shade of blue already clouding his irises and casting shadows across his face.
"I ran into Tom again during a case that coincided with the Robbery division. He had heard about what happened, everyone had, and he invited me out for coffee, just as friends," she confesses, hating that it feels wrong, like she's purging her sins to him. As if she cheated on the man listening to her with that tightly squared jaw and downturned lips, cheated on a ghost. "He was supportive, a good friend, and he - he knows what you were to me, never tried to change that."
"So you married him? Tom Demming?" he clarifies, leaning back into the elevated head of his hospital bed, and she circles around to the opposite side, approaches him with bated breath.
"All those years ago, before you and I were ever together, I could have loved him. I - I wanted to love him, but-"
"And now you can," he finishes for her, but Kate shakes her head, can already feel him shutting down on her.
"No, that's not-"
Castle raises his right hand to his face, presses his knuckles to his eyes. "I want to be happy for you, I - I can learn to be happy for you, but it hasn't been six years for me. It's been a day. Yesterday, you were my fiancée and now you're married to another man-"
"Rick, please just let me finish-"
"I can't handle any more right now," he croaks out, refusing to look at her. "I know I asked for it, but I - I can't-"
"Okay," she rasps, clearing her throat and scraping a hand through her hair, trying to pull it together. No need for both of them to fall apart at the same time. "I - I should go. I have to-"
"No, don't." He drops his hand from his face, lets her see the bloodshot eyes and the dull grey that has consumed the blues of his irises. "I'm sorry, I know this is - god, this is hard, but please don't go."
"I'll come back later," she promises, walking back around to the chair she had been occupying for most of the day, snagging her jacket.
"Kate-"
"I have to go pick up my daughter from school." She finally chokes it out through the tears clogging her throat, shrugging on the jacket with shaking hands and thoughtlessly touching her fingertips to her lips, brushing them across the top of his sheet covered foot. It's a habit she thought died with him, and she strides out of his hospital room before she can lose her composure.
She makes it to the parking garage before the sobs break free again, and she crumples into the front seat of her car before she's forced to succumb to the gasping cries and the cracking open of her chest. She wants to go back, just wants to go back to their wedding day, to before. She wants to redo it all, to have not kept the pregnancy a surprise she was saving for their honeymoon.
She just wants to go home, home to him.
Kate doesn't come back for the rest of the day, but when his daughter returns, Alexis explains to him that Kate called her that afternoon, told her that there were things that needed to be taken care of at home, that she would be back first thing tomorrow.
"It's because I got upset," he sighs, dropping his head back against his pillow.
"Upset about what?" Alexis hedges, because of course, his daughter must know all of it.
"Kate married Schlemming."
"What?"
Castle winces at the slip, tries not to feel so grossly bitter and heartbroken, but yeah, he doubts that's going to change anytime soon. "Demming. She told me about him."
Alexis sighs and ventures closer to his bedside, takes a gentle seat near his hip. "Is that… all she told you?"
"They have a daughter," he mumbles, and something about the image of Kate as a mother just crushes him deeper, digs a fresh hole in his chest.
They talked about kids prior to his disappearance, about an even greater future together.
When the time comes, there is no way I'm going to let you take care of our baby on your own.
So many plans he set his heart on, vanished.
"Kate didn't… talk to you about her?"
"She didn't mention her until she was leaving to pick her up from school, but I… I kinda didn't give her the chance to go any further after she told me about Tom," he admits, partially disappointed in himself for losing his composure, for inadvertently chasing Kate out the door. But can anyone really blame him?
Waking up after six years that he can't recall, only to lose nearly everything he held dear in a single day has left him hanging on by a thread.
"Dad," Alexis murmurs, snagging his hand and holding it between both of hers, commandeering his gaze next and ensuring that she has his full attention. "There's still a lot you don't know and I - I want to tell you right now, but the things you don't know aren't mine to tell. So, when Kate comes back tomorrow, I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but just try to listen to her."
Castle nods dumbly, confused by his daughter's pleas, by this new reality he's woken up to. "I - okay. Okay, I will."
But he just wants to go back to sleep, to dream of his old life, where Alexis is still just barely an adult and his mother is in the city and Kate still loves him.
After Kate picks Lily up from school, she takes her to Remy's for a milkshake, just to see her face light up and watch the smile brighten her eyes, a quality her daughter inherited from her father even if the blend of amber and greens matches Kate's. Listening to Lily recount her day at school takes her mind off of the way her world has been turned upside down, gracing her with a welcome dose of normalcy. She pays attention as Lily babbles about her current favorite book, about the imaginary world she's been creating in her notebook of drawings that she lays out across the diner's table for Kate to see and express her awe over.
It's been the most bittersweet sensation, to raise a daughter who reminds her so much of Castle, who possesses the same childlike wonder and vast imagination. He would have been so proud of her, so in love with her, just like Kate is. He will be, she insists to herself, there's no way he wouldn't adore a child of his, but especially Lily.
Because no matter what happens, Castle will finally know his daughter and Lily will finally know him and that is her only true priority now. It has to be; she doesn't know if anything else - anything between them - is possible, or if too much damage has already been done.
By the time they return to the apartment, she has just enough time to set Lily up with her homework in her room before Tom steps through the doorway, no small talk or pleasantries on his tongue, only anxiety and questions in his eyes.
"What do you want to do?"
It's the first thing he says to her, the only thing they've both been thinking about all day, and she isn't ready for the conversation, but there's no avoiding it either.
"I don't know."
"Are you still… in love with him?"
"Tom-"
"It was different when he was dead, when I was competing with a ghost-"
"He was never dead to me," she hisses and Tom backs down, never up for a fight with her, even if it comes to fighting for her.
Tom Demming is safe, a haven for her to dwell in, to heal in. He's given her friendship, a partnership, and she loves him, she does. Just never in the way she loves Castle, never with that raw, aching passion that sets her soul on fire. Never in the way that can last if faced against the latter.
And Tom knows it, has always known it, but of course, he's holding out hope that she'll choose differently this time. Stay safe.
"I'll stay with my brother tonight."
"You don't need to leave," she sighs, but her husband drifts forward, brushes a kiss to the top of her head, and then he begins packing a small bag in their bedroom.
Quick, painless, leaving her feeling hollow for the rest of the night.
"Momma, are you and Tom getting a divorce?"
Later that night, Kate sputters from her spot behind Lily on the bed in her little girl's room, pausing in the brushing of her hair to stare down at the back of her daughter's head. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because you and him were whisper fighting before dinner and then he left," Lily shrugs, flipping the page of her book in front of her, grazing her fingers over the illustration of a dragon. "That's what Amanda's parents did it all the time before they got divorced."
"What have I said about spying?" Kate huffs, tapping the top of Lily's head with the comb, but her daughter only chuckles. "Tom and I just had a disagreement, that's all, so he went to have a sleepover with his brother to cheer up."
"Does that mean you're going to have a sleepover with me?" Lily asks, tilting her head back to stare at her mother and Kate grins, taps her nose with her finger and watches it scrunch.
"Want to build a blanket fort in here for us to sleep?"
Lily squeals and scrambles off of her bed to the closet on the other end of the room, pulling out her extra sets of blankets and sheets for construction.
Kate lets out a breath as Lily begins dragging the assortment of bedding across the floor, musters the courage to mention Castle, to gauge what Lily's reaction to his existence may be.
Of course, she has always made their daughter well aware of who her father is, showing her pictures, videos, mementos Kate has kept that never fail to remind her of him, keeping her relationship with her older sister, Alexis, intact and strong, and celebrating Castle's birthday each year. Lily loves what she knows of her father, has often expressed dreams of wanting to meet him, always breaking Kate's heart with every wistful sigh of longing to know her dad.
But daydreaming about the memory of her father and meeting the man himself are two very different things.
"Momma?" Lily chirps, dropping a pile of sheets on the edge of her bed, and Kate shifts forward to help her sort through them.
"Hmm?"
"Why are you sad today? Is it 'cause Tom said mean things about Daddy?" Kate's fingers stumble over the fabric and Lily momentarily abandons her sorting of sheets, climbs onto the bed, into Kate's lap, and wraps her arms around her mother's neck. "You miss him bad today?"
Kate cradles Lily closer, pressing her lips to the top of her daughter's head, brushing her fingers through the lengthening strands of her hair as she closes her eyes and forces the sting of tears dwelling along her lids to calm, remain at bay. She can't afford to cry in front of Lily, has to approach this right and oh so carefully.
"I miss him bad," Kate nods, taking a moment to swallow down the emotion before she pulls back, cups Lily's cheek in one of her palms. "Baby, you know how I - how I never found Daddy after he disappeared?"
"Yeah," Lily sighs, her lips falling into that solemn frown. "But he could still be out there, Momma. He could still be."
"I know, I know, that's... what I wanted to talk to you about," Kate murmurs, lowering her hand to Lily's side. "If we ever found Daddy, or if he found his way home, would you… want to meet him?"
"Of course! I always want to meet him," Lily smiles, untangling her arms from Kate's neck and shifting from her lap to return to the blankets at the foot of her bed. "I hope he comes home all the time."
And somehow, that eases some of the weight from Beckett's chest.
After they've brushed their teeth together side by side in the bathroom and turned on the twinkle lights that glow like stars above the tent of bedding, Lily stands in the middle of her mattress, holding up the center of mass for Kate while she drapes the sheets across the bed, using the frame to create their fort and crawling inside with Lily.
"Hey Lil, tomorrow I have someone I want you to meet," she murmurs, sliding beneath the pretty purple comforter and propping up on her elbow while Lily lies down in the bed, snuggling beneath the blankets. "Do you want to come with me in the morning after breakfast?"
"Okay," Lily yawns, drawing her plush stuffed elephant to her chest and turning towards Kate, cuddling into her chest. "But only because it's Saturday, don't wanna miss school."
"No, no missing school, I promise," Kate chuckles softly as she settles down next to her, banding an arm around her daughter, snuggling her closer. "I love you, Peanut."
"Love you too."
Kate lies awake in her daughter's bed for a long time, thinking (and worrying) about Castle, about how he'll react to meeting Lily, to learning of her existence and the truth behind it. Part of her knows it's impossible that he won't fall in love with their daughter, that the discovery will heal some of the heartache she knows he's enduring, and it helps quell some of the chaos she's been harboring since nearly four a.m. this morning.
But it's only in this moment, with Lily huddled against her chest, that Kate has felt even a small semblance of peace in these last twenty-four hours.