When Castle awakens the next morning, it's still dark outside, an early morning grey only just beginning to bleed through the sky, and his mother is occupying Kate's chair. He almost doesn't recognize her. The fiery red of her hair has been extinguished and tamed, falling flat, her makeup practically nonexistent, and her eyes are so dull, so tired. God, what has he done to his mother?
He attempts to express his concerns, but she dismisses them before they can leave his lips, cupping his cheeks in both of her hands.
"Don't worry about me, darling," Martha whispers, her gushing over his return finally beginning to subside. "Oh Richard, there's nothing to worry about anymore. You're home. That's all that matters."
Alexis returns not long after - she finally accepted his insistence that she sleep in her own bed last night - and he's so grateful for his family, to be surrounded by the two redheads that have been pillars of strength for him throughout the entirety of his life. But he can't ignore the fact that one member is missing, can't silence the yearning to witness Kate walk through the door.
"She'll be here, Dad," Alexis murmurs, noticing him watching the empty doorway, flicking his eyes to the clock.
The hospital plans to release him at eleven and it's already nearing eight.
"Oh, is Katherine coming by?" Martha inquires with a gleeful clap of her hands. "Is she bringing-"
"Yes," Alexis answers quickly, shooting his mother a look, and he sighs. He hates being left out of the loop, not even having an idea of what the loop contains. "She texted me half an hour ago, she'll be here soon."
Martha stands from the chair and starts for the door, lacking her usual saunter, only worrying him further. "I'm going to see if I can catch her first."
"Whatever you're working so hard to keep from me, I hope I find out soon before I snap," Castle mutters, huffing when Alexis plants a patronizing kiss to his cheek.
"Trust me, it's worth the wait, and it'll… help. No matter what happens."
He knows Alexis means to be encouraging, but her declaration only induces a nervous flutter within his stomach.
She's almost taken aback to find Martha in the hallway of the second floor, having nearly forgotten all about the older woman's arrival from London, but Lily isn't.
"Gram!" she gasps, releasing Kate's hand to race up to her grandmother.
She giggles in delight when Martha catches her in an embrace, lifting her up and into her arms, spinning her around.
"Kiddo!" Martha chuckles, smattering Lily's cheek with kisses. "Look at you, so grown up and gorgeous! Just like your mother - oh, Katherine."
Kate accepts the hook of Martha's arm around her neck, returns the tight embrace, not realizing how much she has missed his mother, her hugs and use of Kate's full name, until now.
"Hey, Martha, how has London been?"
"Oh, dreadfully lovely," Martha replies with a wave of her hand as Kate steps back and helps ease Lily back down to her feet.
"That's a cont-contradiction," Lily announces proudly and Martha gasps.
"Beautiful and brilliant," Martha praises, eliciting a soft blush in the apples of Lily's cheeks, and Kate grins, touches Martha's arm.
"Rick doesn't know yet," she informs his mother under her breath. "I want to introduce them, but I need to - his doctor said to prepare him for these kinds of things first. Do you mind-"
"Ah, yes, good plan, darling," Martha concurs, glancing down to Lily with an outstretched hand. "How about Lily accompany me to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee and we can return in five minutes?"
"Sure, Gram," Lily chirps, accepting her grandmother's wiggling fingers.
"Thank you," Kate breathes, giving Martha's shoulder a gentle squeeze before lowering her gaze to her daughter. "Listen to Gram, okay? No wandering off."
"Yes, Momma," Lily drawls, skipping alongside Martha as she begins to lead her toward the elevator. "I'm so happy you're back, Gram." She can hear Lily raving once they step inside the lift. "Can you not leave anymore?"
Kate blows out a breath as the doors slide shut, says a prayer for Martha, and turns on her heel, back towards Castle's hospital room.
There's a soft knock on the door right before Kate slips inside and his heavy heart loses some of its weight, palpitates and flutters in unison as she offers him a small smile.
"Hey Castle," she greets, approaching his hospital bed while Alexis pops up from her seat near the window.
"Told you," she quips, sharing a quick hug with Kate on her way to the door. "See you guys later."
"Wait, where are you going?" Castle asks, tearing his eyes away from Kate just in time to see his daughter walking out.
"To go find Gram and give you a chance to talk," she calls over her shoulder, letting the door swing shut behind her.
Kate chuckles, bites down on her bottom lip as she glances back to him.
"Listen, Castle-"
"No, me first," he murmurs, sitting up in the hospital bed and swinging his legs over the side so he can face her, grateful they replaced his hospital gown with a robe and sweatpants earlier in the morning. "I'm sorry, about yesterday. I know that this is probably just as hard for you as it is for me, but… I have no doubts that you're a brilliant mother, Kate. And regardless of how I feel about anything else, I'm so happy for you."
Kate sighs and pulls the chair she's been favoring a little closer, takes a seat so that she's directly in front of him. He watches her lace her fingers together before she must think better of it, touches one to his knee. It spreads warmth through his patella.
"That's what I want to talk to you about," she says, her eyes flickering up to meet his, sweeping over his face. "When I said I couldn't let myself drown in your disappearance, it was because of Lily. If it hadn't been for her… Castle, losing you was worse than losing my mom," she gets out, and shit, she's breaking what remains of his heart, ripping the last of the battered thing to shreds. "It was a different kind of pain, but it was so much more - visceral, debilitating, and I just didn't know how I was going to survive this too."
She momentarily withdraws the hand from his knee to tuck her hair behind her ear, her throat working through a difficult swallow, and her lips in a hard line. She's trying so hard not to cry while he puts forth equal effort into not touching her, holding her, promising her it will be okay.
Because it's not. They are so far from okay, so far that he doesn't know if they can actually find their way back.
"But the only thing that kept me going was knowing what you would have wanted, that I needed to be strong for our daughter."
His eyes snap back to hers, his heart snagging on the cage of his ribs and going still.
Our daughter.
"I found out I was pregnant just a couple of weeks before the wedding," she whispers, her hand beginning to slip away from his knee, but he captures it with shaking fingers, clings to her, to the story. "I wanted to - to surprise you, in the Maldives," she rasps with a sad smile, reminiscent and tragic and he nearly chokes on his own stuttered breath.
Pregnant, she was pregnant when - and he - oh no. Pregnant with their child and all alone. No, no, that makes it even worse.
"She's here, with your mom right now," she adds, staring down at the link of their hands dangling between them. "She knows who you are, that you disappeared, but I haven't told her that you're here. Only that she's meeting someone special today."
"She's here?" he repeats hoarsely.
Kate nods, offering him a nervous smile, and he tugs on her hand, draws her up to stand in between his knees. He's surprised and oh so overwhelmed with gratitude when she steps into him, loosely circles her arms around him in a hug, and doesn't even try to hide how badly her body is trembling.
"We have a daughter?" he whispers the revelation once more into her hair, feeling Kate's arms tighten around his torso. It elicits a slight sting in his wound, but he doesn't care, doesn't acknowledge the fleeting jolt of pain.
"She's so much like you, Rick," she murmurs, pulling back but remaining close, blinking away the glittering threat of tears that hasn't left her eyes. "It made me miss you even more, but it also made it feel like a part of you was still here."
"Kate." It's not his right anymore, not while she's married to someone else, when she's no longer his, but Castle submerges his hand in her hair, closes his eyes in relief when she follows the draw of his arm. She drops her forehead to rest against his, the gesture like coming home. "I - I should have found my way back to you sooner. I should have found a way to-"
"Shh," she shushes him, hooking her fingers at his wrist and pressing her thumb to the vulnerable skin inside, where his pulse beats hard for her, their daughter. "You're here now."
It's not enough, it'll never be enough, but Castle swallows down the remorse, the regret. "And she - she knows about me?"
Kate's brow creases against his. "Of course. I wasn't going to let her grow up not knowing who her father was, how much I loved him, how much he would have loved her."
"But what about - do you think she'll be okay with meeting me?" Castle inquires, opening his eyes to look up at her. "I mean, Tom-"
"Isn't her father," she fills in calmly, her own eyes sliding open to meet his gaze. "Tom has been in her life for the last few years and he's been a great stepdad, but he never tried to be her dad and Lily never wanted him to. I never wanted him to."
The click of the door has Kate lifting away from him, stepping back, but she doesn't let go of his wrist.
"Incoming, Kate," Alexis warns, popping her head in the doorway. But he can already hear the scamper of small feet, the click of his mother's heels hurrying behind, and then the door is swinging open.
And a little girl with chocolate brown hair and Kate's eyes is skipping inside, a smile on her lips as she finds her mother, but stopping short when her gaze lands on him.
"Lily," Kate murmurs, slipping free of his limp grasp to stand beside her daughter, their daughter, whose eyes are wide and currently glued to him. "This is who I was telling you about, who I wanted you to meet. This is-"
"My dad," Lily whispers.