Have you ever stopped and wondered, "What have I done to deserve this?"
I've been thinking that question for a while, now. I'd thought it before, but until you end up locked away inside a freezing base, trapped with powerful nin and an infamous S-rank who could kill you at any moment, you have no real right to go asking questions like that. Perhaps this was fate's way of punishing me for feeling so sorry for myself, before.
Without any other outlet for my restless anxieties, I had taken to pacing the room. It been a couple of days since Sasori's and my…altercation. He hadn't allowed me out of the room since then, and I was too reluctant to ask, so that left me alone with my own thoughts.
Sasori attacked me. He hadn't hurt me, but he could have, and he wanted me to know that. What had he meant by a "way to control me" that night? Did he really plan to try and beat me into submission? Life had done that enough on its own, I sure didn't plan to let one person do it. Why had he done that in the first place, when he'd seemed so careless about me before?
Why was he such a bastard?!
"Must you pace?" Sasori's voice jolted me out of my inner monologue so suddenly that I nearly jumped out of my skin. I covered my mouth, but it only stopped the tail end of my scream of surprise. I turned around to glare at Sasori, the very object of all my frustrations.
"Someone should have taught you not to sneak up on people!" I exclaimed.
Sasori arched a fine brow and offered me a smirk. It was an expression I'd grown familiar with, but not used to, as it never failed to chase a shudder down my back. "It isn't ladylike to curse," Sasori admonished.
I scoffed and turned my back to him, indicating he should leave me alone. My mind was a mass destruction zone as things were, I didn't need Sasori adding on to any of it. My emotions were torrential right then, and with the right incentive they could drown us both.
Out of nowhere, I felt Sasori's breath against my neck, and I stiffened, frozen in place. Sasori said nothing to me as I sucked in a shallow breath, watching as he reached out past me and took a jar off the shelf. I could only exhale when he backed away from me. The asshole, he knew what he was doing, he'd done it on purpose!
"Bastard," I muttered. That was when my body, for the nth time, fell out of my control and into Sasori's. I turned around against my will and found myself toe to toe with Sasori, who was looking down at me with narrowed eyes. I could all but taste the tension in the room.
"Care to repeat that?" Sasori asked. I flushed at the sudden, far too close contact, and swore to myself when I failed to move even an inch away. Sasori had me, hook, line, and sinker.
"No," I eventually relented, if only to convince Sasori to let go of me. Talk about a control freak. When Sasori lowered his hand and I felt control renter my body, I stumbled backwards, away from Sasori.
"Stop toying with me! Why do you keep doing this?!" I implored Sasori to tell me, to stop fucking around with these mind games. I couldn't take them anymore.
Sasori, feigning a look of innocence, merely shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know what you mean."
"Don't play stupid, you know exactly what I'm talking about!" I jabbed an accusatory finger in Sasori's direction. "You keep trying to intimidate me, to try and make me obey—"
In the span of a single second, I realized three things. One, Sasori was very fast; two, Sasori was very powerful; and three, I was very stupid.
Sasori took my arms and shoved me back against the wall, pinning my hands and holding me with the weight of his body. He didn't have to use his infamous chakra strings. With his chest pressed against mine, I had no room to move, hardly enough room to breathe. Not that I was doing a lot of that, my air had gotten trapped in my lungs and I couldn't seem to exhale it out. I was trapped between a rock and a hard place.
"I'm not trying to do anything, I'm succeeding," Sasori hissed. "You think you're stronger than you are. I control you, you're mine, and it's easy to do so. So, I suggest you shut up for once, and perhaps make your life a little easier, hm?" A quiet anger emanated from Sasori's tone, blaring warnings at me. Too far, I was going too far. I wanted to nod, to agree with him, to tell him that he was in control. But, my pride wouldn't allow it, my past wouldn't allow it, the angry and screaming woman inside me wouldn't allow it. How could I look at myself ever again if I allowed Sasori to walk over me and succeed in the very thing he wanted? So, instead of doing all those things that may have extended my lifespan, I said one of the dumbest things I could have.
"Fuck you!" I snarled, practically spitting. "Fuck you for all of this! You won't ever control me, not in any way! Now, get the hell off me!"
Sasori's eyes flashed with something venomous. "Now you've done it."
It was like a storm, I realized. Lightning flashed in Sasori's eyes, but it struck me. I opened my mouth to ask him what the fuck he was talking about when he suddenly wrenched me to the side, throwing me onto his bed with all the carelessness of tossing a sack of flour. I grunted as I hit the bed, feeling much like a thrown doll. I cried out in shock and started to stand, but Sasori was on top of me before I even reached the edge of the bed. Everything felt like it had crawled to slow motion.
I looked up into the stormy eyes of my master and bit my lip. It was all I could do to keep my heart from jumping out of my throat. Fuck, what have I done?
I struggled to back up on the bed, to somehow maneuver myself to get out from under Sasori, but the man grasped my wrists and held them down, keeping me right where he wanted me. My heart was thudding in my chest, so hard that it hurt and so loud that I was sure Sasori could hear it. My body, traitorous as it was, continued to tremble. In my defense, I was pretty fucking terrified.
"You're an insufferable brat who needs to learn her place," Sasori was fuming mad. I yanked on my wrists, hoping that I might at least take Sasori off guard enough that he'd loosen his grip. He only chuckled in response, breathless with incredulous surprise. "You're still trying to fight, even after you've already lost?" he almost sounded like he was impressed, or perhaps like he was teasing me.
Sasori pulled away some then, releasing my arms, but when I attempted to roll out from underneath him, I still found myself immobilized. My arms got pulled up above my head and my legs bent as they spread some, affording Sasori room to sit between them. I whimpered, realizing Sasori could hold me down and move me without even expending any of his own energy. I'd never felt so vulnerable in my entire life; like a deer in the jaws of a lion. "Sasori, please—"
"Shut up," Sasori's order made me snap my mouth shut. Clenching my jaw was all I could do to avoid my lips trembling. "If I were to stop every time you pleaded, you wouldn't ever learn."
Well, not if you didn't give me a chance—another one. A cool hand slid beneath my shirt then, stopping only beneath the hem. I sucked in a shaky breath, attempting to suck in and away from Sasori's palm. Tears pooled in my eyes, but I slammed them shut before Sasori could see them. I couldn't let him have that satisfaction, I couldn't let him believe he had that much power over me. He would repeat this process again—I couldn't break.
I stiffened when Sasori slid his hand higher beneath my shirt, and I began to realize something. Sasori was waiting for my reaction, that was what he was waiting for. That was the whole purpose of that, wasn't it, to scare me and gain those reactions? Was Sasori…would he even go that far? Was it a game of which one of us broke first?
Sasori paused for a moment, and I could feel his smirk even with my eyes squeezed shut. "Why are you crying?" he asked, and I felt him swipe the pad of his thumb against my cheek, wiping away a tear I hadn't known had fallen. I grit my teeth in a snarl, sorely tempted to bite at his hand. Instead, I bit my lip and turned my head to the side, pulling away from his hand.
"Look at me, dog," Sasori's voice hardened. I flinched at the degrading name, he'd never referred to me that way, in fact it was the first he'd even acknowledged my obvious ibrida heritage. I cut my eyes to glare at Sasori for the insult. He thought he was so far above me, didn't he? So far above damn near everyone. He wasn't fucking infallible; what was happening right then proved it. "Why are you crying?" Sasori repeated the question, his voice impatient, but it was less caustic, as if he were genuinely curious. He actually wanted me to answer?
My face suffused with heat as I glanced back at him, loathe to answer. I couldn't tolerate someone else having so much control over me. Sasori and I were an immovable object and an unstoppable force, and we were going to burn each other out before the end.
"Because I'm fucking scared, is that what you want to hear, Danna?" I sneered, sarcasm dripping from my words. Sasori exhaled a low sigh as he leaned up some, pulling one of his hands back.
"Crack!" His open palm slapped across my face, lighting my skin with pain and making me cry out in shock. My head had snapped to the side from the force behind Sasori's hand, but I turned to look back at him, completely dumbstruck. He just fucking hit me.
I blinked the tears out of my eyes, my cheek stinging something awful. My skin was red for an entirely different reason, then.
"Watch your mouth," Sasori warned. Right, my mouth was the whole reason I was in this mess. I'd be better off taping my mouth shut before I got into deeper trouble. I sucked in a sharp inhale. I've taken worse. I can take it, I'm okay.
Sasori reached to the side then, the sound of a drawer opening made my ears prick up. What was he—
A kunai, Sasori had a kunai in his hand when he pulled his arm back. My gaze flitted between the blade and Sasori. My heart skidded to a grinding halt from where it had been racing, feeling like a train wreck inside my chest. Was he going to cut me? Stab me and be done with me? No, I couldn't leave Alex, I couldn't abandon him. Not like our parents.
Sasori lowered the weapon to the hem of my shirt, where he began to drag it upwards, the blade slicing through the fabric like scissors gliding through paper. The sound of ripping fabric made my ears pin down again. It was a quiet sound, but it might've been screeching metal for how much it made my head throb. "I have ways to control you," Sasori said, his eyes watching my face as he slid the kunai upwards. "But, only one seems to really get to you."
I hungered to confirm my suspicions, to push until I saw which one of us broke first. I didn't believe Sasori was serious, I didn't see that in him, I thought that he was only trying to frighten me into submission. But, the more he pushed, the more I could hear my own feet sliding backwards, giving way to that unstoppable force. My breathing became shallower as I felt the cool edge of the knife against my skin. "Sasori, please…don't do this," I whispered, unable to find it in myself to raise my voice any higher.
"Don't do what?" Sasori asked, and he paused for a moment. But, when I neglected to answer him immediately, he started to drag the kunai higher again. My shirt tore further, revealing my navel. If I didn't hurry and swallow my pride, I was going to find myself unable to go back. I couldn't let that door shut on me—I couldn't let this happen, I couldn't let us go past the point of no return. It was going to burn both of us.
"What you're planning on doing!" I managed to scrounge up a little extra volume, that time. "Please, just let me go! I promise I'll be good!" There was quicksand beneath my feet, and I was sinking lower with every word.
Sasori cocked his head at me, contemplating my request. "And if you don't?" he asked, but all I noticed was that the kunai had fallen still, resting below my heaving chest. "I keep allowing you to get away without any retribution, and I've grown sick of your mouth. You keep digging yourself a deeper hole, now that you can't get out of it, you want to beg me?"
No retribution, huh? What about that day you slammed me against a wall, or the current bruise on my face? I wasn't a dog Sasori could punish whenever he saw a fit. I was a human, was he too blind to see that?
"Please," I whispered. My pathetic voice shamed me, but between my life and my pride, I thought I knew which one I valued more.
Sasori cocked a brow, and we were both still for several seconds, seconds that I couldn't seem to breathe. Finally, Sasori sighed and tossed the kunai to the side, where it clattered onto the floor carelessly. He got off then, subsequently freeing me from the control of his chakra strings. I felt like I could breathe again for the first time since he had shoved me onto his bed.
I jerked myself upright, using my arms to hug around myself protectively. I pressed back against the headboard of the bed, still shaking in the aftermath of what had transpired. In the end, I had been the one who'd lost, but Sasori's dark expression didn't look as if he'd won anything, himself.
"You get yourself into these situations," Sasori coldly remarked, speaking like a sensei would to their student. As if I was someone who needed to obey his every word, like his voice was law. Sasori left the room after that, leaving me alone. It was the greatest gift he'd ever given me. I glanced down at my torn shirt, a dozen "what-if" scenarios beginning to play in my mind's eye. I…I didn't believe Sasori would have gone that far. He hadn't anticipated it going that far, I bet he'd thought I would crack sooner. Sasori was a man with blood on his hands, why was I trying to paint him as a man of mercy? A man who wouldn't sink that low?
I buried my face in my hands, and I began to cry. We were too combustible. It wasn't just one of us losing, anymore. We were going to go up in flames together.
I'm going to die here.