We are such douchebags. It's been forever since a new chapter for this and it's the shortest series ever.
Well, guys, we're no longer in the bottom 20 of who's hot and who's not in this Bleach series. We've progressed from Lolli to Aizen in the hot list and there's still more to come. We, at Unrestricted Asterisk, are very proud of our work as this series has continued and we're having fun showing everyone the results of who's the hottest in Bleach. We gathered a lot of votes from different polls and so far we've received some nice reviews and helpful comments.
Due to horrible editing one of our chapters is missing, so the episodes are incomplete, but the good news is we're working on re-editing the series for your viewing pleasure and censorship for the kids. So, enough blabbering, please enjoy this new chapter by us with a bonus special feature.
Knock, knock, people.
GO BLUE!: Pah!
We're back!
Ichired: Say what?
Here, at Unrestricted Asterisk, we're giving you the rundown of who's the hottest in the anime Shonen Jump Bleach. Sorry, there's no mercy like before in the episodes. We have a pretty bitchin' special feature coming to you that has thongs...
Musik: Hot damn!
A little flash of Byakuya's ass...
pUrPlE rOkU: I must see that now. Show me, damn you!
And... Rukia doing the chicken dance...?
Yellow-san: No...you're making that up, right? Swear on your life that that's a bad joke.
Sorry, kids, but there's no joking after this. Enough idle chit-chat, let's get straight to business as we bring you a new episode of Unrestricted Asterisk Presents...
[Backstage]
"I've been workin' on the railroad all the live long day," Yachiru sings. "I've been working on the - "
"Oh my god, make it stop!" Grimmjow exclaims suddenly, startling Hanatarou.
Hanatarou had the misfortune of sitting between two strong personalities: Grimmjow and Yumichika. Grimmjow came into the recording room a bit later after Aizen followed Rogue to Studio B for the interview. The group had just finished listening to his part, and they all had a good laugh with him and Aizen's parts. Up until now, Grimmjow was either messing with Hanataro or Ichigo, and Ichigo showed his own personality for the sixth time of them arguing. It wasn't as bad as Toshiro and Aizen's fallout, though.
Toshiro was fuming from Aizen's "Oh my" statements; it made him sound like a pervert! What was worse about this whole ordeal was that the striptease section was going to start soon. For now, it was commercial break until Rogue came back in to retrieve the next group of hotties. Toshiro then began to wonder about Rangiku and himself. What numbers were they exactly? If Aizen was number 21 that means the ones who weren't called including himself were probably the top 20. It was actually very flattering after some thought.
"All right, guys," Interviewer dude says. "Tora just called me. She said the boss wants to start the extra while she gets her make-up and stuff ready. For now, we're just doing a teaser. Without further ado, I would like Hitsugaya to stand please."
"Eh?" Toshiro questions, rising to stand. He walks up to the dude then stands before him with a nervous tension tightening his muscles.
"So, Mr. Hitsugaya would you like to start off our striptease extra?"
"Wha - ? Huh?" Toshiro questions in a loud voice. "W-why me first?"
"Your name was first on the list, so I was just asking if you wanted to go."
"You know damn well Toshi's not doin' that," Ikkaku remarks, digging in his ear. "That stick is so far up his ass it'll poke out in his thong if he bends over."
"That I'd like to see," Rangiku said with an awkward seriousness in her voice.
"Oh my," Aizen inserted, covering his mouth to hide his snickering.
"Aizen, I swear to god, if you don't stop that I will take the stick up my ass out of the hole and shove it so far up yours Byakuya won't know what to do!" Toshiro threatened.
"Oh-ho-ho-ho my!" Aizen said, wide-eyed at the threat but amused at the same time.
"That's it!" Toshiro shouted, pouncing on Aizen.
"Rape!" Aizen exclaimed, hearing a tearing sound. He looked down at Toshiro's hands and noticed a piece of his shirt between the boy's fingers. He said, "My god, you're raping me for real."
"Ichigo's on his way to doing the same thing," Gin commented, grinning at Ichigo.
Ichigo turned to Gin, who he was sitting next to, and asked, "To who?"
"Kuchiki-san, who else?" Gin commented, turning his head to Kira Izuru's cheek.
"Dammit, Gin, I'm not raping Byakuya in public!" Ichigo retorted.
"HA!" Renji declared, pointing at Ichigo. "But you didn't say you wouldn't do it."
"Oh….fuck!" Ichigo said, realizing he couldn't win this battle with Gin or Renji.
"I don't know, I think you should ask Byakuya first," Gin teased, making Ichigo turn beet red.
"Why can't I just think that Kuchiki-san is one of my favorite actors, huh? Why?" Ichigo asked, in near tears of the torments.
"He's everyone's favorite actor, even Renji's," Chad commented in whispering tone.
"That's true," Rukia agreed.
"Well, I had a man-crush on Kuchiki-san once," Hanatarou said.
"Don't flatter him, he'll blush," Aizen mocked, scoffing.
"Who's Kuchiki-san's favorite actor?" Momo asked curiously.
"Ukitake-san," Byakuya answered. "He's one of the best dramatic actors in my opinion, but Kurosaki-san is one of the better typecast actors and it still impresses me how well he has hidden his admiration of my work on set."
"Eh?" Ichigo questioned, blushing slightly. "N-n-no, Renji's a better typecast actor than I am. Any guy with tattoos is always the one who's hard to tame."
"Why do I have to be in the same category as you?" Renji complained.
"Abarai-san is an exception because he's sexy," Byakuya teased, surprising everyone.
"TO THE ESCAPE PODS!" Hanatarou shouted, running to a corner.
"Where the hell are you going?" Grimmjow questioned, somehow managing to hold Hanatarou by the collar of his shirt and stop him from actually building an escape pod.
"Dude, it's Byakuya. Not just any Byakuya, but Byakuya Kuchiki. Two-time Oscar nominated actor, Byakuya Kuchiki, four academy award-winning actor, Byakuya Kuchiki, serious about work ethic all the damn time, Byakuya Kuchiki. He just made a funny," Hanatarou explained in simplest terms to Grimmjow, who now realized why everyone was inching away from the senpai.
"Ooooohhhhh, now I'm scared," Grimmjow drawled.
Tuberculosis never looked so damn good
Hey, it's Mister Ukitake
Jushiro's in the hizzouse
JU fuschia: AAAHHHH! Oh my god!
Ton: Jushiro Ukitake, omg! He's so hot.
Standing at six-foot-something, the pale Elvis had a lot of things going for him including a lot of fans like us slobs who drool over his gorgeous face. Emphasis on the gorgeous and you can translate that to any part of his body.
Ichired: Wait, Ukitake is number what? He's the only man I'm gay for and he's just number 20? Bullshit!
Yellow-san: Where do you start with that guy? Everything about him is near perfect, and he plays the sickly captain extremely well.
Jushiro: I'm very honored to be - as the fans would have it - one of the sexiest people in the show, but I don't know what I'm supposed to expect. Do I get an award or something for this or am I just saying stuff?
No, Mr. Ukitake, we the fans would love to hear you say some *cough* dirty *cough* stuff to us as one of the hottest men known to man. Long white hair, beautiful pale skin, and a warm smile to boot? What housewife wouldn't want to bang the sick hottie?
JU fuschia: Oh, I couldn't possibly be Jushiro's nurse. He'd be raped in front of his bedmate every time. It would never fail. I love Jushiro, dude. He's so cute.
Shinsui: What do I think about Jushiro? He's great to work with. As far as his looks, he scores big time... if he'd get out more.
Nanao: I think Jushiro is attractive because of his humble nature. He's very modest about his looks and how... persuading and seductive they are to women and men in general.
Lillinette: I have a tiny crush on Jushiro, yeah. He was really nice to me in the fighting rehearsal, and he's a really good senpai. His comic strip series are pretty cool. I read them just about religiously.
Byakuya: It's been an honor to work with Jushiro. He's one of my favorite dramatic actors, and I learned a great deal from him. He is very respectable and I think his sensual appeal is from his affability and love of children. Many women find a man who loves children relieving since it won't be just them to take care of them. That makes him a bigger candidate for being someone's husband and father of their kids.
Toshiro: I also learned that nutcase was ranked 19th in a popularity poll, which is relatively close to this poll. Why is he a nutcase? The first day on the job he uh got all the captains a present, right.
Shinsui: Oh god, that's right! He gave Byakuya vibrating underwear! *laughs hysterically*
Byakuya: Yes, he did. He's like a George Clooney if you think about it. So many jokes, so little time.
Toshiro: So we were sitting in a circle and he gave me a box. I opened the box and it was a book on love and lust, lubricant, and a dildo. What the hell?
Jushiro: Well, I figured I'd mess with everyone to cheer them up. Toshiro was dragging his feet to work, Byakuya was...Byakuya, Shinsui wasn't flirting - shocker, and Kenpachi was throwing knives at a target thing because he was mad at something. So I ran out to the nearest store on location and it happened to be a toy store...for adults, so I picked up some stuff and tried to remember everyone's personalities. Byakuya was a stiff, so I got him a movable thong to loosen up. Toshiro was tired from shooting another film and rehearsing lines with Momo, so I just grabbed things that would wake him up. Everyone was mad at me for that, but their attitudes changed tremendously. Smiles were being exchanged for the most part.
And smiles are being exchanged right now for the lovable captain of Division 13 as he starts off our countdown as number 20!
Aufreizend: Jushiro Ukitake, you the bomb, my man. You make every woman squeal, dude. Congrats. *respectable applause*
The hot nurse of the Gotei 13
Elegant and true
Unohana Retsu
The sexiest nurse and the most elegant woman of them all, Unrestricted Asterisk brings to your living room, Ms. Retsu Unohana.
GO BLUE!: Waaaaaahhh!
shi~green: Ooooo, you talkin' bout fine? You've gotta have Retsu as a hottie. You got to.
O-range-ni: Dude, I'll take Retsu as my cougar mama any day. She looks like she could do some hot role-play.
Retsu: Role-play? That, uh, that doesn't sound very innocent to me.
Isane: *whispers* I don't think it was meant to sound innocent.
GO BLUE!: I love Retsu Unohana; she is the hottest ever to me. She's super mature, classy, a perfect businesswoman, and she can scare anyone with the flu into perfect health.
Shinsui: It's my other bestest buddy. Retsu's totally swoon-worthy. She's older than most of us but is still hot and elegant.
Jushiro: Retsu's pretty cute. I admit it; I'm guilty of the crush I had on her. She's awesome, but just because she's small and quiet doesn't mean she won't put a hurtin' on you.
pUrPlE rOkU: Come on, Retsu has beautiful blue eyes, long black hair, beautiful face, a teeny-tiny slim figure which I don't know how she's managed to keep. I want whatever she's having for lunch.
Renji: *chuckles* I'm sorry, I forgot she ate. Uh, what do I find sexy about Unohana-san? I think her silent death threats are pretty hot. Her line to anyone who makes noise in the hospital was always something like 'Please remain quiet in the hospital, your lives are in my hands.' I don't know, something about that is a turn-on. I'm not usually into nurses 'cause of the needle-thing goin' on, but uh...yeah.
Hanataro: Unohana-san is a great senpai. I'm always happy working with her.
Isane: Happy, you say.
Hanataro: *eyes widen* It's not like that! That's so not what I meant! Oh my god, I'm just gonna stop talking now.
It's all well and good with us, Hanataro, 'cause we meant to put Ms. Unohana as one of the hottest women of Bleach who still turns us on even in her passing age. We honor you, Ms. Unohana, for coming in at number 19...
Big-boobed Kukaku
Kaien Shiba's little sister
Don't forget about Ganju
The cool, the proud, the ample: Shiba Kukaku
Kaien: My charming baby sister. I'll be damned.
Ichigo: Yikes, the thing is hot to you guys, huh?
hachi MARIGOLD: Kukaku is sexy for her abuse and provocative way of dressing. Name me one woman who can wear revealing clothes like that and not be molested every day. You can't!
Kukaku: Well, thank you, for calling me a hottie. Didn't see that coming...at all, but I guess I can pat myself on the back.
Chad: I think Kukaku's sexy because of her loyalty to her friends and family. She takes no shit from no one when it comes to her people, and I like that about her. Her tits are another story. I don't know why those are in this conversation.
shichi SUNSet: Because they look good in red halter tops and messy black hair in bandages. Her eyes are hot, too, Mr. Chad. They're a cool shade of green.
Kukaku: Well, it's an honor being one of the hottest women in Bleach. Again, it's a shocker, but this is pretty cool.
Ichigo: My ass.
Kukaku: *punches Ichigo* Fuck off, carrot top!
There's plenty of guys out there who'd love to jerk-off to this babe as Ms. Kukaku breaks in at number 18...
violet`KYU: *whispers* Sexy...
[Backstage]
"Am I in the right room?" Jushiro asked, popping his head in the door.
The crew cheered for the senpai as he made his way to an empty seat next to Lillinette, who was blushing slightly, and looked to the interviewer guy.
"What's going on?" Jushiro asked. "Did I miss anything?"
"Well, the strip contest is about to start, so you made it on time for the first victim," Yumichika informed.
"A strip contest? For who?" Jushiro questioned, beginning to panic.
"Calm down, it's just an extra for the fans," Nanao said, smiling a bit. "I'd be careful if I were you, though. The interviewer is picking random people now since no one wanted to go first. Aizen challenged Byakuya, though. You missed that part."
"Oh god, tell me that's a joke," Jushiro pleaded, chuckling.
"Are you blushing?" Shinsui questioned, noticing the man's face going pink.
"Wait, how'd that happen?" Jushiro asked, now interested.
"Aizen just said Byakuya didn't have the balls to do a striptease, so Byakuya got in his face and said, 'You just challenged the king of the mountain, bitch,'" Kenpachi answered.
Jushiro threw his back and covered his face from laughing aloud. He uncovered his now pink face and said, "Oh my god, I hope the countdown is over before then. You know if he goes through with it, Ichigo won't make it."
"Why is everyone picking on me today?" Ichigo questioned. "Oh my god."
The interviewer dude took out a remote control and pushed a button that cued some red and purple lights to dance across the stage. Everyone was waiting in anticipation of the first strip contest victim. Since everyone refused to do it, the interviewer just picked a random person and forced them to get to the back. Music began playing and a small silhouette appeared behind a curtain. The curtains opened to reveal Hanatarou in some tight jeans and a tight shirt as he walked to the pole in the front. Grimmjow and Retsu, who was behind Jushiro as he walked in, had their attentions on the youngster as he slowly walked around the pole. Ichigo gave him a silly cat-call that encouraged Hanatarou to jump on the pole and hang upside down for a full minute before quickly getting to his feet and bowing. He received some claps and some laughs with a few 'Take it off!' 's before walking to his seat next to Grimmjow.
"Hanatarou must've been a stripper at some point," Ikkaku said, grinning. "He was too skilled with that upside-down thing."
"Hm, maybe, maybe not," Hanataro teased.
"I don't know, Hanataro," Rukia commented, "that was pretty hot. Grimmjow's got a gun in his pants to prove it."
"It's not a fucking gun," Grimmjow said, laughing. "I'm just happy he's sitting next to me."
"You're a fucking pervert!" Ichigo said, retrieving Hanataro from Grimmjow and making him sit next to Renji instead.
"Sure you wanna put him by me?" Renji questioned. "His jeans are looking pretty tight on that ass. I don't know, Ichi."
"You're just having a hard time today, ain't you?" Cirucci questioned, chuckling. "Maybe you should sit next to Chizuru. She's just kind of blushing from Grimmjow's crotch rocket."