Rising from the Ashes of Ascension

Chapter 14

Disclaimer: As much as I might wish, I do not own Stargate: SG1, Highlander: the Series, or any recognizable characters from either show. If I did, I wouldn't be working in the public schools system. However, any characters that are not from either show are mine and I will use and abuse them as I see fit. Everyone else will be returned eventually, for I am only borrowing for awhile, but they might end up a bit scuffed.

Warnings: Potty language, violence, and sexual references (you've been warned)

After the memorable events that took place behind the electronics store from hell and at the Air Force Academy, life fell into an easy pattern for the members of SG1. They forced themselves to get out of bed, go to work, dealt with the new recruits (i.e.: ran them nearly into the ground to see if they were up to snuff) they had been saddled with, and some how managed to crawl back into their beds at the end of the day.

As a reward for all of their hard work as training instructors (beyond the personal sense of satisfaction that came from shooting the recruits with Intars) was the trip to PX3-198.

There on this lovely world, with green grass and trees, a blue sky, and friendly people of normal hues, they encountered a society that they really hadn't ever seen before.

Sure, they could easily tell that these people's ancestors had probably been transplanted by to Goa'uld. Their clothing, language, and homes indicated that they came from early Roman or ancient Italy – pre-Roman empire. It wasn't the land of Janus, the world where the men of SG-1 and 6 had been forced to fight in gladiatorial combat, but there was a bit of similarity.

That said there was a BIG difference between Janus' world and this one.

They looked horribly out of place in their drab green BDUs, surrounded by people in flowing robes and gowns that came in a rainbow of hues. The team had weary looks on their faces while the locals had big stupid grins plastered across their faces.

"Actually," Jack half-whispered as they strode through the town, "I think I kind of miss old January."

Normally this kind of comment would have earned him a dirty look or a few scorching remarks from the team, but this time, everyone was nodding in agreement.

"I know I am going to regret it later, but I think I actually agree with you," Daniel whispered back.

The members of SG-1 found themselves in a town on a world dedicated to the god Priapus.

Priapus was the ancient Italian god of fertility, farming, and sexual healing – the Marvin Gaye of his time. There were statues of him everywhere, showing his enormous genitals. No matter where they turned, where they looked, there were genitals staring at them. It was like being in a fun house hall of mirrors, only it wasn't fun and very obscene.

The icing on the cake of the whole situation was the giant Priapus statue in the middle of the town square.

Sam noted out loud how she was getting a low level energy reading coming from the statue.

Jack nearly had to slap a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from saying something that would result in either an ass-kicking or a sexual harassment lawsuit, or both, from Carter.

"The statue lights up at night," Livius, the town elder who had met the members of SG-1 at the Stargate and was now escorting them through the town, said. His voice was quite peppy, indicating how happy he was to show off his beloved statue.

"It lights up?" Daniel croaked, doing his best to not really look at certain parts of the monument.

"Oh yes," Livius said enthusiastically. "That way we can see Priapus and all of his glory without fail. Even in the darkest of nights, with storms bearing down on us, Priapus guides us and protects us."

"Of course it would light up," Daniel said drily.

I believe even someone with failed eyesight could see this sculpture," Teal'c said dryly. He too did not want to see what was before him. However, he managed to say it with a completely straight face, while the others were turning shades of red (Sam and Daniel) while Jack was shaking with barely repressed laughter.

"So," Jack began, looking everywhere but at the statue, "is there any chance Platypus will be coming back here for a visit anytime soon?"

At this Livius looked a bit sad. "Alas no, Priapus was slain by Baal in a fit of jealousy, according to our legends. Luckily though, his spirit lives on, continuously blessing us with ample crops and children."

There were plenty of children in the village, Jack noted silently. Lucky bastards.

"Yes, Baal is a jealous jackass and it's easy to see why good old snakehead would be envious of Playdoh," Jack muttered, not even bothering to hide the bitterness in his voice.

Daniel heard Jack's tone and knew from the reports that he had read that Jack had been held captive by the Goa'uld System Lord and tortured. What he did not know, what was not reported, that he had shown himself to Jack and had offered the man Ascension. It was something that was left out of the official reports and he hadn't remembered what had taken place while among the glow-club.

"I know," Livius continued unaware of the anger that hearing the name Baal caused the group. "Many gods were jealous of Priapus and his enormous pen," he said but was interrupted by Jack.

"We see! God how I wish we didn't," Jack yelled. "Daniel, do you see anything besides the obvious?"

"There's no writing on the base of the statue and nothing on the face, Daniel said.

"But there is writing," Livius said, pointing.

"I know. I just don't want to look," Daniel said hurriedly, squeezing his eyes shut as he hit him-self in the forehead with the heal of his hand; the other arm was wrapped around his middle in a self-half hug.

"Why would you not want to behold the beauty that is Priapus?" Livius asked, clearly not understanding these odd aliens.

"Because, I like many men of our world, do not enjoy looking at another man, even a statue of one, in that way," Daniel said through clenched teeth. "Though there are some that do and there is nothing wrong with that," he swiftly added, not wanting to be un-PC about it.

"There is just a lot to look at and it's a bit uncomfortable," Jack added, trying not to snort with laughter. As horrible as the situation was, it was hysterically funny to see everyone's, especially Daniel's reaction, to the land of Pringles.

Daniel in the meantime was quietly praying that somehow he would blow an artery in his head and would die. But then the last thing I would see would be that, he silently reasoned, creeped out beyond belief. I can't handle this. I've seen a lot in my years, but this is unbelievable. Hell, I remember the ancient Olympics and I was less uncomfortable. I am surrounded by penises! Is this another punishment set for me by the Ancients? Wasn't erasing my memory enough?

"Daniel, what does the writing say?" Sam suddenly asked, her face bright red.

"I don't know," Daniel said testily.

"Yes you do," Sam countered.

"I'm sure I do, but I'd have to actually look at it and probably touch it and that's not going to happen," Daniel shot back. "I am not touching a marble penis."

"Actually, it's granite," Sam said.

"Marble, granite, I don't care. It could be made out of goddamn cookie dough and I am still not touching it," Daniel yelled. "You touch it! You know I am awfully tired of always having to be the one to take one for the team. You guys do the dirty work for one. I am sick to death of being the whipping boy for SG-1!"

"Actually, according to the legend you're to read the words out-loud and then rub the end of it and knowledge will be bestowed upon you," Livius interrupted Daniel's rant.

"It's an encyclopedic John Holmes," Jack snarked.

"That's it," Daniel said, turning away from the statue. "I'm done. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"I have an idea O'Neill," Teal'c suddenly said. There was a slight twinkle of mischief glinting in his eyes.

"Let's hear it," O'Neill said, finally giving up the ghost of remaining straight-faced and laughed out-loud, unable to hold it in any longer. He knew that look on the Big Guy's face and if anyone could get them out of this mess it would be Teal'c.

"Dr. Pierson's team I am sure would be more than happy to examine the statue of Priapus," Teal'c suggested. "I have promised revenge upon him for giving me those horrible wasabi peas and not warning me ahead of time."

"Excellent," Jack said, tapping his fingers together, ala Montgomery Burns.

Sam rolled her eyes while Daniel got an evil look in his eyes.

"Danny, take a picture of the top of the statue and the base, but leave out the middle," Jack snickered.

"Gladly," Daniel said and took a couple of circumspect shots of the granite edifice.

"Livius," Jack beckoned the old man over. "We are really interested in this magnum-sized statue of Papaya here, but we have some friends that are actually experts in this sort of thing and they would love to have a look at it. If it is okay, we're going to go home and send them back here." Jack paused, then continued, "Tell them if you would, we were judged to be unworthy of touching the statue and only SG-12, the other group can read and rub."

"I don't understand," Livius said, clearly not understanding why these explorers would not want to touch the statue. To do such a thing was about as close to actually touching a god as one could possibly get and these off-worlders were refusing to do so. It perplexed him.

"I know you don't," Jack said soothingly. "But it would really help us out. We have some odd customs among our own people and the other team is better suited for this task than we ever could be. We are not worthy to touch the statue anyway," Jack lied through his teeth.

"I still do not understand, but very well. I will do as you say. You are a nice group of people, but so strange," said the little old man with a puzzled look on his face.

"Carter, before we go collect some soil and water samples. Maybe Piñata put something in the system to make them have so many children," Jack said.

"A possible natural source of Viagra," Daniel smirked. "Worried about that are you Jack?"

It was a good thing that Jack could not shoot laser beams out of his eyes like Superman or Daniel would have been burnt to a crisp on the spot.

"Maybe they're just horny," Sam muttered, getting out her sample kit.

"Major?" Jack asked, not quite sure she had said what he thought she had said.

"Sounds like a plan sir," she said, slapping a fake smile across her face.

Sam took her samples and soon afterward, the team headed back to the gate.

"How are we going to convince General Hammond to send SG-12 back to this planet? Sam asked.

Jack shrugged. "We'll tell Hammond that we were judged unclean and that we couldn't touch the statue and that there was writing on it that Daniel didn't recognize but thought Adam might. It will work as long as no one caves," he said, glaring at the team.

"Sir, just in case I have to prepare a defense in a court martial, may I claim that I was abducted by the Goa'uld and forced to participate in this idea?"

"No!" Jack barked, glaring at his second-in-command, though there was no real malice in his look. "Besides, it's not like anyone from Adam's team is going to say anything. It's not like he's going to let them ever repeat what he had to do to get the information."

"True Jack, but just remember that this is Methos we are talking about. The man does have a nasty side to him that is worse than mine. Be prepared for acts of revenge," Daniel cautioned the colonel.

Jack glared at the archeologist. "Are you quitting on me? What happened to the hard-core Immortal that we all know and love?"

"I'm just warning you, that's all. No, I consider this payback for all of the times he has stabbed me, so I have no problem with it," Daniel shrugged as he quickly dialed up the coordinates for Earth.

Sam sent the signal through the wormhole, telling the SGC that it was them coming through and that they would appreciate it kindly if they weren't squashed like a bug on the gate iris.

They made it back to the SGC and explained to Hammond that SG-12 needed to go back to PX3-198. Thankfully, Hammond didn't make an issue of it and called for the members of SG-12 to come to the briefing room.

Daniel quickly downloaded the pictures he had taken from his camera on to the briefing room's computer. He made a hasty explanation about how the writing looked familiar, but he didn't know what it was and how he was sure that Dr. Pierson would know what it was. Daniel also said that he was not sure what the god's name was, since the locals would not tell it to him; they said that it was sacred and could only be told to those that were deemed to be clean. He knew that if he had told Methos that the god was actually Priapus, the jig would be instantly up. Instead, Daniel blamed his lack of knowledge on a hole in his memory. Those darn Ancients and their memory-altering ways!

Methos look hard at his old friend, looking for a sign that something was going on. He knew that Danil's memory was pretty much back intact, except for the time he was among the Ascended. Instinctively he knew Danil was lying, but could not point to any bit of evidence that would give proof to his suspicions. Damn that little weasel and his little friends, Methos thought savagely.

"SG-12, you have a go. Get your gear together and report to the Gateroom in thirty minutes. Dismissed," Hammond announced.

The members of the other team stood and left, leaving the general and SG-1 behind.

"Are you four up to something?" Hammond asked the team.

Jack, obviously replying on his years spent in black ops, spoke up. "No sir," his voice cracked slightly. Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c glared at their esteemed leader with ill-concealed venom.

"I had better not hear about it," Hammond warned them and stood up, Jack and Sam also following suit.

"Sir if it is okay with you, considering the time. We're going to sign out now. It's late," Jack announced. "There's a hockey game on tonight that is calling my name."

"And I promised Jack and Teal'c that we'd watch it over at my house," Daniel piped up.

"Since when have you liked hockey Dr. Jackson?" Hammond asked, giving the group a dark look.

Daniel looked sideways at Jack. "Jack told me that hockey is my favorite sport sir."

Hammond snorted at that.

"I'm going to go find Janet for a night of getting our nails done and watching lots of Lifetime," Sam added, wanting to be anywhere but around the guys for awhile. Hopefully they were showing The Burning Bed again.

"Fine, see you people in the morning," Hammond growled. He knew instinctively knew something was up. However, he knew and trusted the members of SG-1 enough to know that they would never deliberately put another team in harm's way. This had to be something disturbing and weird, he decided, not dangerous.

SG-1 then left the briefing room as quickly as possible. They knew instinctively, that despite their tough talk back on the planet, they could and would easily crack underneath Hammond's intense stare. So in order to avoid admitting to their plans, they ran for the hills.

The guys gave Sam first dibs on the locker room. She was in and out quickly, happy to leave the day's events behind.

The guys then took over the locker room, cleaning up and changing into their civilian clothes. As he was tying his worn boots, Jack suddenly had a flash of belated inspiration.

"You know, we really should have grabbed Francis and bribed him to take a picture or video tape Adam's reaction to the statue," Jack thought out loud.

Daniel was busy shrugging into a light blue button down shirt and paused in his actions to stare at his friend. "Are you out of your mind?"

"What?"

"This is Adam we are talking about. He's going to be pissed enough that he's going to have to touch the damn thing, but he would absolutely lose it if there was permanent evidence of it. Have you forgotten who he was, once upon a time? He gets even pissier than I do and is a master at revenge. While I do think setting him up for this is funnier than all hell, I don't want to push him too far. I once told some woman he was hitting on that he had a preference for women, feces, and sheep at the same time. I found myself the next day hung over and up on an auction block and sold into slavery. I ended up sold to a brothel and I had to kill myself to avoid being sold off to weary travelers in a no-tell motel on some god-forsaken dirt road in a remote corner of the Roman Empire," Daniel hissed, careful to not shout, least the wrong person over hear this decidedly odd conversation.

"Fine," Jack huffed, but seriously disturbed at the thought of Daniel being sold as a sex slave.

Finally they were all ready to go and as a team, minus Sam who had booked it in a hurry (Jack privately wondered if girls actually did suffer from penis envy and that was why Sam had run off so quickly), headed out. They stopped at the grocery store for sandwiches, juice, and beer, knowing that Daniel's kitchen was not adequately prepared to serve hungry guests.

The evening proved to be quite enlightening.

A/N: Well, what do you think? Crap or not? Hit the shiny review button and let me know.

This chapter came about when I realized that I needed a way to get the guys together for some male bonding over at Daniel's and as I was thumbing through my Mythology for Dummies book and came across Priapus. According the book Priapus was an ancient Italian god of fertility, farming, and sex. Also, according to the book, his statues loved to show off his ridiculously enormous goods and there were plentiful statues (guarding gardens, crops, front yards, etc.). Another book and in a couple of websites said that Priapus was a minor god in both the Greek and Roman pantheons. Whatever. Priapus served to amuse my perverted little mind and also served as a way to get the guys together for some bonding over beer, hockey, and a trip down memory lane. I hope I didn't offend or scandalize too many people in the process. I did warn you after all in the beginning.

Thank you for reading my stuff, putting me or the story on a list, or dropping me a review. It is all appreciated.