Even though Ferb's confession was what I expected it to be about, the world stilled around me. The wind seemed to stop blowing, the birds' chirping deafened and my breath hitched. I didn't know what to say, is Ferb the kind of guy to expose me to everybody? He doesn't seem like it, but I don't know him well enough to tell certainly. Do I deny it?... do I threaten him…? okay no why would I even-

"Isabella, just tell me the truth- this time, it's gonna take some more than a wig and a bad story to fool me so please, don't even try."

I close my mouth, already opened to protest, realizing it's no use. I've sunken back down to square one in my little game of pretending, and this time, the field isn't open to take me forward. Only truth can remedy lies.

I inhale a shaky breath and finally raise my defeated gaze to meet Ferb's, lifting my hands to my chest to play with my fingers. I take a moment to gather my words, slowly speaking at first but quickly turning more hysteric with each word, "Are you… gonna tell Phineas? The principal? Oh no Ferb please don't tell them, you don't understand! If I don't get to stay here I'll never be anything more than a burden for society, and I'll be useless knowing nothing and I'll never find happiness, this is my only hope for a normal life!"

Ferb's eyes widen more and more with each word slipping out of me, and by the time I'm finished he swiftly puts his hands on my shoulders in a firm grip, as if to hold me down from flying off into my horrible fantasies. "Isabella, calm down. I won't tell anyone. At least, not until I know your motives, I'm no bloody tattletale who busts people without reason. So, how about I buy us coffee and you tell me why in the world you've decided to cross-dress yourself into some complicated situations?" Ferb suggests, flashing me a smile filled with concern and support. Tears gather in the corner of my eyes at his understanding nature, and the hope I earlier dropped at the dirty ground is picked up again, prepared to keep me standing for the rest of this journey. Maybe it'll all be for nothing in the end, but right now I want to try and fix my fucked-up life- perhaps Ferb will be the true friend I need to hold onto for it.

….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. …... ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. …... ….. ….. …...

New York at night could in some aspects be considered more lively than in the days- some police-car honking in the distance, drunk girls singing out loud on their way to some club, the crispy, autumn-colored leaves falling onto the ground in the cold September-night; and a hot coffee to warm my hands as Ferb and I made our way down the streets who never slept.

I had discarded my wig and beard as they now rested at the bottom of my backpack. It felt really good to let my natural curls loose in the wind again, instead of cooping them up inside some sweaty piece of fabric, and I basked in the feeling for as long as I could, dreading the conversation that was to come.

Ferb went quietly beside me, not wasting his words on small-talk, but instead trusting me to speak when I was ready. His patience and willingness to listen to my problems made this entire thing a whole lot easier, I thought to myself as we made our way into Central Park and sat down on a bench by the smaller pond. We silently watched how the wind picked more leaves off the trees and guided them down into the water, creating ripples on the surface as they landed. It stirred up the otherwise calm water, disturbing its way of being in harmony. The water didn't object though- it's just nature doing its work; seasons changing meaning out with the old, and the water was affected by it. Instead, it accepts the change and therefore, the ripples cease soon enough.

I looked up into the sky- the stars were visible in New York City tonight. Not only that, I swear I've never seen them more clearly than this.

Never letting my eyes off the stars, I simply start talking, "It's been 11 years since I lost my dad in a car-accident. It was so dark and rainy, that night, it's no wonder he drove off the road. My mom begged him not to go out- one of our headlights were broken too, you see. He always did mean to fix that, he told mom. Obviously, I don't remember much of him, but I remember his brown eyes, and when he held my small hands in his- they were calloused, yet loving and soft. I remember piggyback-rides with him, and Friday nights when we all ate tacos together. I remember how, on his funeral, my mom took my hand and told me life's simple, Isabella, it is. It shows you how it wants you to live it and you have to adapt to it. We weren't meant to be with him anymore Isabella, but we will always cherish and remember the times we had with him. Do you understand, Isabella?"

I looked down at my lap and laughed humorlessly, blinking out the tears onto my jeans. "I didn't understand what my mom meant- I didn't want to love the memories of him- I wanted to love him, like I'd done every day. I was young, I didn't really understand the concept of death and the finality of it. But as the days since his death grew more and more and, he didn't come back…

When my mom passed in cancer last year, I finally understood what she meant with those words at the funeral- when you have nothing left to love, it feels good to love the memories. Memories of a simpler time, a time when we were a family. My world has been broken these last months, I had no idea where I was gonna go. But, in the broken shards light seep through- my friend got two scholarships and I snatched the other one- the scholarship to our school- an all-boys' school. It felt like destiny gave me one last chance at happiness and so, I took it."

Finishing my story, my misty eyes sought out Ferbs' cerulean ones. When I met them, I knew it would be alright- he understood. He'd be there for me, as the supportive friend I knew I desperately needed. His eyes and his smile spoke lengths about it and it soothed me.

Wordlessly, he pulled me into a supportive hug which I reciprocated, feeling emotionally exhausted. A promise of something else hung in the air, and it brought me new hope. I don't know what it was, but it's coming. Those thoughts accompanied me on our stroll back to the campus, and all the way to my room after I'd bid Ferb goodnight.

I quietly closed the door, as to not wake Phineas and went into the bathroom to reattach my wig and beard and change into my pajamas. I look into the mirror and take a deep breath. It's been two weeks with this whole pretending-game and tonight was the first night I felt like I might actually pull through to the end. It's all going to be okay. Maybe I can even go to bed not fearing for tomorrow.

I left the bathroom and crawled into my bed, turning to my right side; the side where I could see Phineas' face illuminated by the moonlight perfectly, and I couldn't help but stare. I know I shouldn't, and I know I can't fall for anybody here- Phineas is obviously not gay, and even if he was, that's an act I couldn't hold up for an eternity, exactly. It's simply something that isn't meant to be.

I sighed and smiled a strained smile at the perfectly crafted piece of art that was him sleeping peacefully- something I wish I could wake up to everyday- no Isabella!

I harshly turn over to face the wall instead, forcefully closing my eyes. Not now. Not ever.

Sooooo, I'm back, and when I read through this story, I'm not quite sure I liked what I saw. So I've tried to step up my game in the middle of the story. I felt like I had to if I was to continue this, since I've kind of forgotten how to write in the way I wrote before.