A/N: Here's the official second chapter, later than expected, but you know, holiday season... Anyway, if you like it or hate it or want to give me some advice, be free, let me know, review~~~
Disclaimer: JKR owns it all!
I was standing there frozen, not knowing what to say or do, or at least how to move. One huge mess of emotions was raging within me, still staring in those wicked eyes of his. Confusion; Fear; Excitement; Fear; Disbelief; Fear… Why am I scared of him? No… Probably not of him. I was scared of realization that I shall be here, in this damned hellhole, with unstable person for god knows how long. I was absolutely entranced, and not in a good way. The worst part was, I didn't know what he was thinking right there, standing frozen on the top of the stairs and with those eyes locked with mine. Stony, hollow, dead expression. That's it. That frightens me the most.
''…Black?'' I winced at my terrible voice, hoarse, squeaky and broken in the same time. I coughed and cleared my throat a little. And it looked like, as terrible as it was, my voice did some magic. One flick of emotion passed his face. I don't know what that was, but for a moment there I saw something familiar. Not Sirius familiar, more like humanly familiar. Whatever that was, it disappeared quickly. He was coming down the stairs slowly, casually, and his eyes slowly diverted from mine, now fixing somewhere on the right. As he approached us, my heart leapt. Don't let me be misunderstood, it wasn't from giddiness. It was from mild discomfort mixed with that still existent, awful fear and just a pinch of adrenalin. What to do now? What to say to the person who saw all the horrors from this world, and not even by his fault? I felt a lump in my throat as he approached. But then all of my emotions simply deflated, like a torn football. He walked past me like I was one of those dirty closets in this smelly hallway and mumbled, probably to Remus-
''She can take Walburga's bedroom.'' Then he turned right and went to the dimly lit room. I was still standing on the same spot, listening to the door slowly closing behind him. I sighed. This is not going to be easy.
''…C'mon Viv, let me show you your room.'' Remus gave me one of his apologetic smiles and levitated my bags upstairs. I slowly headed after him, trying to make as little noise as possible, but that was practically impossible when this house was one huge chaos. Just when I was giving disgusted looks to the collection of dead house elfs' heads and thinking that my life is going to be hell if I stay here any longer, Remus broke my silent pity-party.
''Vivian, look. You have to understand he is not what he was. I mean, he is the exact opposite of what you remember.'' My attention finally snapped to Remus' calm, heavy voice. I couldn't see his expression since his back was turned to me, but I could imagine grim, older-looking face. I hummed, urging him to continue.
''I don't know what he had seen in Azkaban, and I'm afraid I couldn't even imagine it if I wanted to. He was there for twelve years! People die in there after one month!'' Remus was getting a little louder and more alarming with every word. And with every word my gut sunk a little lower.
''And after that torture, they bring him here, to remind him what a mess of a childhood he survived. It's like another prison replaces the first one.'' Remus calmed down a little, making little steps and prolonging our little walk so he could keep talking. And now I could feel the lump forming in my throat. I remembered Sirius' exact words- ''You don't know how it is when you are fifteen and afraid that Cruciatus curse will kill you this time.'' And they brought him here? What the hell was Dumbledore thinking?
''He is a wreck, Vivian. He talks far too little, he drinks and smokes far too much and he never smiles.'' With his last words, some kind of guilt started to surface, amongst the other terrible feelings. Why the hell guilt, what have I done to feel guilt?
''Why are you telling me all this stuff? Are you expecting of me to be some good fairy and bring joy and unicorns back in his life, now that he has a roommate refugee?'' I managed to whisper sternly. And just when those words left my mouth, I realized how self-centered, selfish and spoiled I sounded. Now I felt like a plain piece of shit.
Remus turned and looked at me oddly, but when he saw regret probably written all over my face, he sighed, like he was carrying a huge burden, not levitating few bags. Well, he sort of was carrying a huge burden…
''Look. All that I'm saying is that you should try to tolerate him. He is not the most pleasant company right now, so just try not to take personally whatever he does. He maybe even remembers very little to none of you…''
At this, I was dumbstruck. There was a chance he didn't remember me? But he looked… Well, I couldn't exactly make out anything from our little encounter, but still… I didn't think he had forgotten. But hey, what do I know? I've seen him the last time fourteen years ago… I started to analyze everything I remembered about him, trying to make some picture of his character. Maybe that would help… I mean, he has to have something left, right? Remus snapped me from my thoughts when he pushed the door of the third room on the left open.
''I can't say feel like home, because you probably didn't live in dusty, smelly old room. But hey, nothing's perfect.'' He smirked and left me to 'get comfortable'.
I found my wand and cast the first spell in a decade. I lit old, once upon a time probably luxurious and beautiful chandelier with five waxen candles. Now, I analyzed the room. Left from the door was some kind of a vanity with old carved mirror and little backless stool. Next to it was a huge closet (thank god for that), made from the same dark, rich wood and with same rich carvings as the rest of the furniture. Attached to one of the closet's door was another big mirror. On the sidewall were three tall windows with dark brown curtains. And in the middle of the room, right across the door was huge, king-sized bed with same dark brown sheets. Looks comfy, right? Hell no. Defeated sigh escaped me as I sat on the creaky bed. I was thinking to start unpacking, but I realized I didn't eat anything since morning. Well, this cheerful, cozy room has to wait a little.
I came down the bloody old stairs, trying to be as silent as possible, but failing miserably, because this stupid old house already shows its own hate towards me. As I approached the door on the right where Sirius disappeared earlier, I heard two conflicted, masculine voices. One quiet, firm and grim, the other one terribly hoarse, much louder and seemingly uncontrolled.
''Padfoot, you have to accept that-'' Remus started, but he was quickly cut off.
''Of course, Sirius has to accept! His only business is to accept! Don't ask anything, don't do anything, just be grateful your life is one big shite and accept! Well, guess what? I can't bloody accept anymore! This house is smothering me! And that awful house there in Surrey is smothering him! They're awful to him and now his scar hurts all the time and I can't even help him! I refuse to-'' Is he talking about… Harry Potter?
''But you have to, damn it! You know we can't do anything! You can't just turn into a dog and slaughter them all and let Harry ride you to London! He's safe in there, and you have to accept it.'' Remus' voice was now raised with a very impatient edge. It sounded like this discussion was led many times before.
Sirius showed his sulking making some strained sound like a growl and piped down. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to open the door, but my body wouldn't listen. Stop it, you're going to live in here! Get used to it, better now than later! My internal rant was cut with one brisk, cold, almost disgusted sentence.
''Tell your little friend to come inside, since she doesn't have anything to eavesdrop on now.'' I cursed myself inwardly for forgetting his canine abilities and strong sniff. With clenched jaw and false calmness, I opened the door and casually strolled into the room. It was a kitchen, I realized then. Pretty old, with huge wooden table. But somehow, it looked less creepy than the rest of the house. They probably resided here most of the time. Remus was sitting on the side of the long table, massaging his forehead with his bony fingers, and Sirius was casually lounging on the back legs of the chair, on the head of the table. I almost smiled-just how I remembered him. I let the small smile fall on my face as my eyes flickered from Remus to Sirius. Remus gave me one of his kind, friendly smiles. Sirius looked a little weary, like he was trying to calculate how much time do I need to call the Ministry. I smiled a little more, hopefully looking friendly enough. Sirius scowled. I sighed and sat down.
''I'm sorry I heard your conversation. I didn't mean to, I just-'' My apologies died down when Sirius started to speak.
''…You were just accidentally standing behind the door, listening to a conversation which was not your business. No biggies.'' He drawled sarcastically and waved me off, but he looked somewhere to my right. I felt blush of embarrassment crawling up my cheeks. Remus gave Sirius one pointed, sharp look.
''Don't worry, it happens. Would you like to eat something? We don't have much, but we'll manage.'' Remus started to get up, probably to find something for me to eat, but I was quicker.
''Don't worry, I'll make something. I have to get used to this place, eh?'' I smiled again and went to find something. Remus sat back in his chair and looked a little awkward, probably thinking of the way to break the silence.
''So, how do you manage? 'You reckon you'll be okay being in here?'' Remus finally said.
''Oh, you know, I don't have much choice. With little cleaning it's going to be good enough. I have to make it a bit homey, after all, I'm going to live here.'' I answered pleasantly while putting ham sandwiches on the tray.
''Oh, joy.'' Sulky, quiet grumble. I pretended I didn't hear it, and kept talking while bringing our supper.
''Since you told me you're also staying here quite often, maybe we should make some schedule so three of us can clean the house and make meals and stuff like that, you know?'' I was having that on mind since I stepped in this hellhole and I finally got it out, with cheerier and higher than normal voice. I put the tray in the middle of the table and sit across Remus. He smiled and opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius was quicker.
''Oh yes! And then you can teach us how to arrange flowers and knit doilies!'' came with mocking, high, girly attempt. I felt some sort of humiliation forming in my stomach. I hated it, I haven't felt this pathetic in years. I just wanted to get up and smack him upside that dirty long haired, big head. I took a few breaths trying not to lash out on him. Taking a bite of the sandwich and waving off Remus' thank-yous, I pretended I wasn't offended with Sirius behavior. He doesn't mean it. He is fucked up. C'mon, pity him.
''I… didn't mean to…'' How many times have I said that already? God, I'm feeling like a lost child who was caught doodling on the living room wall.
''I was just thinking…'' I tried again weakly.
''Well, stop. Stop thinking, stop prying, stop trying to change anything because this house is one big black hole and it'll swallow you and your ideas of 'home' and all that bullshit!'' Sirius barked, putting the chair back on its four legs with a loud thump.
My humiliation turned into anger, and before I thought of keeping my mouth shut, I spilled some idiotic words.
''What is your problem?'' I was on the brink of shouting. As quick as the words left my mouth, I realized how stupid was that question. And when he looked at me, at first slightly shocked, but then with the glare which could probably freeze hell, I wanted to rip my tongue. He stood up abruptly and I was eyeing his movements in fear, waiting for him to draw out his wand. Remus saw his expression too, because he stood up and tried to soothe the situation with one threatening ''Sirius.'' But Sirius ignored him, and did something which I wasn't expecting at all. He started to laugh. Hollow, awful, bitter, almost evil sarcastic laugh filled the room, with Sirius' twisted, maniacal expression on sunken face. Laughter that didn't reach cold grey eyes. He stopped as abruptly as he began and looked down on me, through fallen strands of dirty black hair.
''I've got no problems. In fact, I'm peachy. Everything's just peachy.'' He threw me another deadly glare and fled the room, slamming the door behind him shut. He left me there speechless, not daring to look Remus in the eyes and show him how many tears I was trying to keep from falling. I was drawing some circles on the old wooden floor with my fingers, trying to calm my ragged breaths and trying not to sob, when I felt comforting hand on my shoulder. When I looked up I saw Remus standing next to me, with a painful expression on his face.
''I'm really sorry. He's… Who'd know that that boy would be just a memory?'' Now, I let the tears fall. I couldn't fight them. Lily was gone. Beautiful, fun, my best friend Lily was gone. James, too. He called him brother from another mother. Little Peter… As good as dead, if they find him. Sirius… Old Sirius, rebel with a cause, brave young soul, my first real love… dead. And I tried to wrap my head around this for fourteen years. And I thought I accepted it. But right now… It's like Sirius killed himself before my own eyes. Obviously I was having some hope that something, at least something was left of him. Obviously, I was awfully wrong. I was crying silently, clinging onto Remus' arms like for a dear life. Help me, Remus. You're the only one left.